Wives and CDing husbands

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

I didn't have many (any?) relationships with women through school and into the work force. I studied, played sports, & worked hard as an engineer in a growing company. The team of 20 something engineers was young and dedicated. As the guys eventually met women and started getting married, I just played golf and drank lots of beer. At that time (80's and early 90's) cross dressing wasn't in vogue. I lived in fear, but started to buy some things from catalogs and purged a lot, afraid I'd get caught in my own place (?). Money wasn't much of an issue.

When I met my wife, (waitress at my hangout) we became great friends. I bought a house, she moved in, and I was in a quandry. Neighbor grew into a great friend and they had a son. Now I saw the love and purpose of parenthood. We got married (mid 90's) and I vowed to be a great husband and dad, and never to dress again.

Yeah. That didn't work out so well. After about 5 years of sneaky CD'ing, I drank too much wine and spilled the beans. She was disappointed, mad, cried, and didn't understand. I got the "If I would have known, I wouldn't have married you comment." What's crazy is she is generally very kind and had been very supportive of some gay friends. (i.e. open to (some) alternative preferences) We eventually became a DADT couple and are raising our 3 kids without much passion.

She's off with the girls at a college orientation and the boy is travelling on a soccer tournament so, time to play. After work I dressed in a pretty yellow pastel floral maxi skirt, a white cotton top, and 3" beige sandals. My makeup was pretty neutral browns with pink highlights and nails. Feeling very pretty in the summer sunshine.

After dark, I decided to dress for the evening. I took some retro wide leg pants from a silky black pantsuit (again, looks like a maxi skirt) and added a black lacy wide neck top. Went back and forth a couple times on open toed or basic black 4" heels. Settled on the open toes cuz they are more comfortable. Changed the jewelry to add more sparkle, put my hair up in back, and moved the makeup to a grey smokey look. HOT, if I do say so!

I've accepted the fact that I have no answers. It seems every person, every relationship, every situation is unique. It seems that being open and up front is probably for the best, but I've lived enough to know that's easier said than done. Just keep swimming, Marlin. I think it will get easier as the light of day shines on the concept of diversity. Wives and CD'ing husbands might just actually be vogue one day. I probably won't live that, tho.

[JulieC]

...I vowed to be a great husband and dad, and never to dress again.

Yeah. That didn't work out so well.

It never does. It's like vowing never to use your perfectly usable right hand.

...What's crazy is she is generally very kind and had been very supportive of some gay friends. (i.e. open to (some) alternative preferences)

I once had a girlfriend who was openly supportive of alternative lifestyles, including the spectrum of LGBT. When it came to me crossdressing though, she had zero...and I mean zero...acceptance. I couldn't process that. She was one of the reasons that I made a pact with myself never to be with a woman who didn't accept me crossdressing. It helped inform that decision, and made me realize I could not live a happy, full life with a woman who could not accept me as me, and I'd rather live alone that live with that. I was lucky though; I figured this out before I got married. Most guys don't figure this out before getting married. It's not a thing you come full circle on usually by the time you reach marriage typical age.

I've accepted the fact that I have no answers. It seems every person, every relationship, every situation is unique. It seems that being open and up front is probably for the best, but I've lived enough to know that's easier said than done. Just keep swimming, Marlin. I think it will get easier as the light of day shines on the concept of diversity. Wives and CD'ing husbands might just actually be vogue one day. I probably won't live that, tho.

Probably not. I think change like this happens over generations. We've been raising our kids to be accepting of all, even if radically different, so long as no one is a victim. They don't know I crossdress. Someday maybe, but they're young yet.

[CONSUELO]

This is a deeply important issue. I told my spouse that I was a transvestite before we were married. She "investigated" by going through my closet and clothing while I was at work and decided that she would go ahead and marry me anyway. Within a year the objections began and I was made to feel badly about my cross dressing. By that time she was pregnant and so we stuck it out and have done ever since. I dress openly and she knows that I will never change. We came close to separating but at the eleventh hour she begged me to stay as she feared the loneliness.

Given my experience I would counsel not only an admission but visits to a good counsellor to make sure your intended spouse really understands what being married to a cross dresser involves. Often intended spouses, both male and female, will overlook some important issue with their partner as they naively feel that the person can or will change. It usually doesn't happen.

[TxKimberly]

I'm guessing that you are not married? LOL

There are things that you can be assertive about with your wife and there are things that you can't.
Things you can be assertive about might include a night out with the guys, buying a stereo for the truck, or maybe even buying that pretty firearm you have been eye balling for a while
At the top of the list of things that you can NOT be assertive about is your desire to be out and about in a dress.
You just can't shove that one on a wife, and if you DO shove that one on a wife who is not inclined to be kind on the matter, you are going to find yourself single and outed.

[Dana44]

I told my SO before I met her but then a few months later she knew but had a bit of trouble accepting it. But a couple nights ago she said that she is so glad to be with me. I said , with all my quirks also? She said yes even though you are gender fluid you are the best for me. But sometimes I have to be male and keep the status quo. Not such a bad life for a gender bender.

[nikkiwindsor]

I strive to be thoughtful to my wife's needs & desires. Although it's often difficult for me to do so, she wants me to openly communicate how I feel with respect to my gender fluid nature and be truthful with her. It's special to the both of us to have these intimate conversations about who we are deep down.

[Desiree2bababe]

I told my wife of 30 something years prior to marriage and in fact I courted her based on the fact I'd overheard her say she loved female impersonators. Yeah, the two are not taken in the same vain of light. While she had no problem with me dressing, what she did have a problem with was my insatiable desire to own the prettiest of feminine things, from heels, dresses, lingerie, jewelry ( that one really pushed the limits - although she often asked to borrow my earrings ), and makeup galore. Not to mention many wigs.

She could not fathom why I needed so much and feared often I only dressed to entice men. Well, that was her issue to deal with as I gladly offered to keep her in the finest of women's wear also. Unfortunately she made it a sexual deviation rather than simply accepting I wanted to be pretty. I had no desire to cheat on her with men, although I wasn't shy to a man's advances prior to marriage.

The biggest drawback to her misunderstandings is that it prevented me from the delightful adventures out upon the town as a woman. I have always ventured out with never a thought of consequences and I lost a great deal of fun times due to being closeted by my wife.

And yeah, as Kimberly stated, when dressed we don't have much ground to stand on and can only hope for the best..........

[Alice Torn]

Often on here, i hear that some of you meet GG's that are very supportive of LGBT, but when they find out the man they are dating crossdresses, all hell breaks loose, and NIMBY. The irony of it all!

[Tina_gm]

Alice, I think too many equate an open minded attitude with it to wanting to have it for oneself. It's ok to think it's ok, yet not want it personally. It is not irony nor hypocrisy that is often cited on here when some will say their wives or partners are accepting till it comes to them.

[Toni Citara]

It has taken "a lifetime" to find the lady I am dating and not only fully accepts my crossdressing, she encourages it! I never thought I would be this happy in a relationship. Having gone through several relationships, including one marriage and one engagement, that were "destroyed" due to my crossdressing.

I know the pain and anxiety everybody in this group feels when you are not accepted by the person you love. I truly hope and pray that you can find the person that accepts you and loves you, and encourages you to become the best you can be.

[pamela7]

Hi Tracii,
I'm responding to your OP and you reply 36, appreciating you've been through the mill. I recall an early relationship I had where I increasingly felt henpecked and being destroyed mentally, so I left it, vowing to never let that happen to me nor any SO of mine ever again. Back then I didn't know what real love was/is. Now I do, but my point is that attraction and convenience are significant reasons for relationship beginning and falling into disharmony. Then there is love-attraction, commitments, children, the sacrifice of one's own desires for the others; noble and soulful and not to be criticised, as the stronger one takes the hit every time.

Then there's the nub of the attraction: she wanted a "real man", and many of us do over-compensate there, providing the template of the "He-Man" that she buys. The last thing she wants is to find he's a "she-man". It will turn her off, and then her unconscious takes over, she lets spite out, her discontent surfaces through the grudge of deception.

My answer to this: be up-front, date up-front, do not date first and hope to reveal later, go out en-femme and be the perfect companion and awesome sexual partner, and she'll be happy cos that's what she bought up-front. Wrapping the barbie pink in brown paper doesn't go down well. I think that's the underlying problem - the lack of pristine truth.

PS so with my wife, when we got together I'd already told her I wanted to wear panties, I'd already told her I'd had a male relationship a long time before - she knew the whole package. So I don't get any of the resentment, just love.

xxx Pam

[Tina_gm]

Pam, so much of the key you said there, about having it known right from the beginning. The mistake so many of us made and now we have to face those harsh consequences. Not that my wife has put me through all that hell you described. She is actually quite respectful, despite her discomfort with it all. Had I told her up front, I have no doubt we would have remained friends, as we had known each other for 19 years before we dated. I would not wager either way whether or not she would have become more than friends with me, and she has said she does not know either. But either way, as just friends or more than friends, there never would have been the struggle and discomfort.

[Tracii G]

Neither marriage I was in did I dress so thats not the cause for my two failed marriages.
Dishonesty and cheating on their part is what cased the break up of the marriages.
Their lack of seeing a marriage is a two way street and them wanting it all their way and not even considering my feelings.
I was just a meal ticket basically and that really hurts.
You give them your vow to love honor and cherish and when they don't feel they have to return it thats where I have a problem.
Nothing you want is important, nothing you say means anything its their way or no way and how you guys can live that way I can't fathom.

[SexySarah0727]

I have 4 different coming out in LTR experiences that I can talk about in relation to this thread.


I try very hard not to let a girl tell me how it is when it comes to how I should behave or act and this is how each scenario played out. I'm going to label the girls as C, M, K, and T so as to not give any names and I don't want to give too many identifying details. Although I don't think the details will matter in this context I have had one of the ex's stalk me as far as finding my accounts on this site before so I think its best to keep it that way.


First was C, who I was with for 3 and a half years. It was during HS and into college. In HS I was just starting to learn about crossdressing and about what the things I was thinking regularly about meant. She was very into rocky horror and encouraged crossdressing as long as it was within that context. When she started to find out about my crossdressing experimentation outside of that about 2 and a half years in she initially adopted DADT. Which was fine for a while, but the more I experimented and the more she eventually found out the worse our relationship got. It got to the point her brother would call me a faggot and she would defend him instead of me when I stood up for myself.


Next is M. We were together for about 3 and a half years as well. At the beginning of our relationship I was not crossdressing, during one of the periods where I was in denial of who I am. About 3 years into our relationship she started getting really into makeup. I offered for her to practice her techniques on me after she jokingly suggested it, which she gladly accepted to giving her someone to practice on. While she was practicing one day, she told me at some point she thought I made a very pretty girl which got me excited and we started talking about crossdressing. One of her gay friends would occasionally dress in drag so I assumed she was ok with it. But as things progressed, the more I dressed the more she got angry about things that didn't really matter. Eventually she broke up with me and started calling me a crossdressing faggot online via facebook. Although she was totally ok with her friend crossdressing she felt like I betrayed her. After being involuntarily outed to so many people I purged everything. In this instance I did cower, afraid of what everyone else would thing of me.


Then came K. After being berated online to pretty much all of my friends and more thanks to M, I tried to put it all behind me. I forsake crossdressing and for almost 4 years of our relationship I didn't have any clothes, makeup, or anything. Then it slowly started again. One day she caught me wearing girls panties. She was the ultimatum girlfriend. At first she tried to be ok with it and she tried very hard, but eventually she admitted quite directly that I wasn't what she bargained for when we started dating and it was either her or the clothes. She wanted a real man that could take care of her, but no matter how much I proved I could take care of her, I was still the girl trapped inside the guy and that wasn't enough at that point. She felt betrayed, and I can understand why, although I never meant for it to be that way. I had honestly thought I was completely done with crossdressing going into that relationship, and in some ways I felt betrayed by myself. The more I stood my ground about who I am the worse the fights got. She wanted me to submit and return to who I was when I started dating her. She swore if I was honest from the beginning that she would have accepted me, but I don't think that's really true. It would have however saved both of us a lot of heartache. Our relationship ended in a lot of fights and a many days of me being called a faggot among other things.


Lastly is T. I told her within the first few weeks of dating, before anything got serious, about my crossdressing and possibly even transgender tenancies and thoughts. Although she had some hard days and we had some rough talks, she ultimately decided that the person I am, with or without crossdressing and more, an amazing person. She knew who I was going into the serious portion of our relationship and accepted me from the beginning. We're now going on 3 years and are talking about marriage and kids. She actually encourages me to be who I am regardless of what others think.


I know these aren't necessarily everyone's situations and not every scenario will play out the same, but from my experience the longer you wait to tell them the harder it is for them to deal with. I still adamantly feel no one should back down from who they are for anyone, but I can also say from experience that the more you push back later into a relationship the worse the lash back is.


I hope everyone can find that happy medium with their SO and their crossdressing, but I honestly believe no one should compromise themselves and who they are either. Explore yourselves and if you find your relationship is no longer conducive of that maybe it's just time to move on as hard as that may be.

[Tina_gm]

Sarah, thank you for your honesty. It's often not an easy road for us relationship wise.

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Neither marriage I was in did I dress so thats not the cause for my two failed marriages.
Dishonesty and cheating on their part is what cased the break up of the marriages.
Their lack of seeing a marriage is a two way street and them wanting it all their way and not even considering my feelings.
I was just a meal ticket basically and that really hurts.
You give them your vow to love honor and cherish and when they don't feel they have to return it thats where I have a problem.
Nothing you want is important, nothing you say means anything its their way or no way and how you guys can live that way I can't fathom.

Hi Traci. You identify as gay, now. Have you always known? Were you in denial? I ask this and I truly mean this as no disrespect whatsoever.... I just wonder if some of us make not the best picks when we are either in denial, truly just do not know, or struggling with who we are.

[Tracii G]

GM to be honest the gay urge has always been there but I tried to do things the way all my friends did ie the normal way.
The 1st marriage I thought I was over the gay thing and had two great daughters.
My wife cheated after 7 years of marriage and I caught her several time even pounded one fellow pretty badly. I was more like over compensating and was a pretty rough dude.
Not to my wife at all I treated her with care and respect she never gave me any respect.We divorced after 12 years and I raised my two girls 10 and 5 on my own.Their Mom pretty much vanished.
My 2nd wife was a mistake I admit that that but I loved the person not the sex but I did my manly part so sex was not her reason for leaving.
She found another guy and then I gave in and said Ok from now on I will let my true sexual desires come forth.

[JulieC]

I know these aren't necessarily everyone's situations and not every scenario will play out the same, but from my experience the longer you wait to tell them the harder it is for them to deal with. I still adamantly feel no one should back down from who they are for anyone, but I can also say from experience that the more you push back later into a relationship the worse the lash back is.

I concur with this. It is hard for crosdressers themselves to come to terms with who they are, accept who they are and be who they are meant to be. We try so hard to repress, purge, deny. By the time most of us get to the point of being able to stand up fpr who we are, there's a trail of wreckage from relationships in the past, and oftentimes we find ourselves immersed in poisoned-well marriages. It's very sad.