Where do I go with this?

[Miss Mandy]

After much soul searching, I starting taking hormones back in January. I started with a low dose and have slowly risen to a full dose these last few months. I feel great! I am more calm, more in touch with my emotions...I also love the changes to my body: losing some upper body mass, butt, hips, and thighs have filled out, breasts are developing slowly.

I will add an anti-androgen to the mix in about a week and continue with the hormones. I have no plans to transition (impossible due to family and work circumstances.) But, I want to at least stay in a male package but have a feminine body underneath. My wife in on board and knows about the treatment. She is a medical professional and is managing things for me.

Where do I go with this? How far do I travel on this journey? Sorry for the incoherence of this post, but I am in a developing situation and need feedback. So, far the results have been positive and I don't want to stop...

Hugs,

Mandy

[ClaudineD]

Blocker will have effect of decreased libido, lack of, ahem, stimulation and increased tiredness........all in all.....VERY important to have blood workup on regular basis. Cannot emphasized that enough!!!!

[arbon]

Is it that simple not to plan to transition due to work and family circumstances?

For some there always seems to be a lot of choice in the matter, for me it was not like that.

Considering you do not wish to transition and want to stay male I don't know what kind of answers you would hope for from the transitioning and transitioned women here.

[Mirya]

I've been on HRT for a little over 5 months, and at about 4 months in, I found it really difficult to continue living as a man, both physically and mentally, even for a short time. So I sped up my transition timeline and started going full-time as a woman, a little earlier than I had originally planned.

But you can transition at whatever pace feels comfortable to you, or even not transition at all. I have a friend who has been on HRT for almost 10 years. She started the hormones not necessarily to transition, but to treat the mental dissonance in her mind, and it worked very well for her. She sometimes presents as male, sometimes as female, but is still not transitioning. She has remained married with a supportive wife all these years. I suspect she has some sort of non-binary or genderqueer gender identity. So, as long as you're aware of the long-term effects of taking HRT, you can do it. You wouldn't be the first.

And as has been said, be sure to get your lab tests done every once in a while to make sure your hormone levels and blood count readings are in a normal range.

[KymberlyOct]

Hi Mandy, I thought the most interesting question in your post was - 'How far do I travel on this journey?" As someone that is early in my transition but I have taken definitive steps I think this is a question I can weigh in on.

We are all different and there certainly are no requirements about the choices you make or how you feel comfortable living your life. You mention that you have no plans to transition - impossible due to family and work - That is obviously something you need to search in your soul and maybe your gender dysphoria is not overwhelming to those other concerns.

But to answer your question - Where do I go with this? and How far do I travel on this journey? IMHO you really need to ask yourself - what is the goal? what is the end game? where do you see yourself as you? To me those are the questions that need to be resolved for yourself before you can decide how to move forward. And maybe where you are right now is a comfortable place for you and that's great. Just try to honestly ask yourself - what do I want? What will make me happy? Who am I in my soul? Once you have that figured out the path forward will most likely be much more clear.

Best Wishes
Kym

[Rachel Mari]

[QUOTE= So, far the results have been positive and I don't want to stop...[/QUOTE]

Seems to me that this kind of says a lot.

For me, after a certain point, there's no way that I would go back to the way I was or felt before. Being authentic is much bigger than I would have ever thought and I realized how much more there is to being a whole person than before.

[Suzanne F]

I just have to say who didn't face impossible family and work situations? This sounds like if it was a perfect world post. I respect your right to decide what treatment or therapy to pursue. I just want you to know that some of us risk everything to be whole.
Suzanne

[JanePeterson]

I completely agree with Suzanne...

The choice is yours, but if you are dysphoric enough to alter your body chemistry and live with the side effects of HRT, why would you allow the rest of it to stop you? I don't mean to sound confrontational, I just can't relate to what you're trying to achieve.

[STACY B]

Where do you go ? How far to take it ? What will happen ? Well that is the Million Dollar Question,, Hey you can ask these people,, And take there advice or just some of it or you can go till you feel you have had enough or keep going,,It's all up to you,, That's the Funny thing about transition, You have to go ALONE, Maybe some things will fall away over time but if you keep on with the Hormones there will be changes you can't hide.

Only advice I an give is that I noticed that the younger you are the Faster things go, Us older chix have to be more Patient and wait longer, But it's all good, Gives others time to absorb what is going on a little at a time instead of cramming it down there throat. All in all these things are nothing to Play with as you know,, Some close family have asked me where I am going, I say where ever it takes me, Self acceptance is the key,, Without it and without knowing where your going and what your doing is recipe for disaster in my book, If you seen me after 16 months on it you would never know depending on what I am wearing at the time, I can still pretty much blend it away with the right clothes,, But it gets harder and harder over time and I am learning while I wait on the Magic to work.

There is no urgent measures you need to do at the moment. A lot of soul searching and trying to figure it all out is the key, But after you get your mind right it will all come to you and then you will see what everyone is and was talking about. I hope that makes sense out of something that to me makes no sense,,lol,,

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey Mandy, I have posted several times that there is no written law that you have to transition once on HRT. I have taken an incremental approach and 16 months in now I feel good, but still present as male in most of my life. My wife is the reason I do this, love for her and keeping her from religious backed ridicule if I came out here in town. I don't have the pressure to "go all the way" that some have. I'm happy now, she's protected and I can still present as a male for her sake even with the physical changes. But that is me.
You need to decide on your future path. Are you willing to hold at present medication levels or is there a driving internal need to change the dosages? The blockers will give the estrogen a better chance to do its thing and this will result in even more physical changes. You are in control of all of this. We can give you our experiences, but in the end, what happens is your call. Perhaps a session or two with a counselor is called for to assure you of your choice. Good luck!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

youve decided to not transition... so whats the problem?

What possible advice can there be outside of medical advice..

how much to take?? how should we know? it impacts everybody differently..

taking some female hormones to feminize your body is basically crossbodying... there's no issue other than how your body reacts..

[becky77]

I'm confused what do you want?
Typically I wouldn't recommend taking hormones with no intention of transition, I mean what do you do on holiday as a man with breasts?
How do you explain your blood results to a doctor?

Why would you start Estrogen and not a Testosterone blocker? I couldn't wait to be rid of testosterone, if you feel great currently why would you take anti-androgens and risk your love life?

I don't understand this approach so not sure I can add any advise, is it that you want a female body but like being a man in society?

Where can you go if you choose not to transition?

[OCCarly]

Maybe I understand your situation better than most. I started hormones a month ago to resolve eleven years of near debilitating panic attacks, a lifetime of anxiety, and anger issues since puberty. But as much as I want to make a full social transition, my wife does not want me to. So I get to be a girl all the time at home, part of the time when out with my wife, and I still have to be a guy at work. That may or may not be a permanent state of affairs, depending on how much the hormones change me, and at 53 years old, that part is a crapshoot.

I suspect that my wife will eventually come around when she sees that no harm will come to me from a public transition. After all, over the past two years she let me baby step this far, and there is no stopping now.

[Lorileah]

But, I want to at least stay in a male package but have a feminine body underneath. My wife in on board and knows about the treatment. She is a medical professional and is managing things for me.

So many things scare me bout this but the two things that are on the top of the list. One the "I want the male package..." You can pretty much kiss that goodbye unless you know something most of us don't. If the changes you state are that obvious to you, you can bet it will be obvious to others.

The second thing, your wife is a "medical professional" who is "Managing things"? If she is a doctor, there is the ethics violation of treating family. Not illegal but not standard of care. If she isn't a doctor and she is getting you meds...that is a license thing. If she is any other "medical professional" I worry because there are so many things that have to be watched and monitored (are you getting blood work?) Others here may have had different results but hips are not on my "gee the hormones did this" list.

Where do you go? Well that is your decision, but I read that you want it all, the best of both world's but really don't want to play by the rules to get there. Please be careful DVT isn't something you can ignore.

[Nigella]

One thing that annoys me about this type of thread, advice, comments are made, but the OP just doesn't bother looking at the thread since starting it.

[STACY B]

Yep might as well had just Screamed it out the window,, About the same effect, Maybe they found all the answers and just don't want to share,lol,,

[jentay1367]

Literally can't imagine playing with my health for the speculation of "Where do I go with this? How far do I travel on this journey?" If you don't know by now, I'd think you would show your S.O. enough respect not to play with this kind of fire.
Which protocols use estrogen without A.A.? Are you self medicating without benefit of controls? Please, please be careful.

[KymberlyOct]

One thing that annoys me about this type of thread, advice, comments are made, but the OP just doesn't bother looking at the thread since starting it.

Hi Nigella, I certainly get your point, why post then people go to the effort of replying and the OP may not be interested. Especially when they can benefit from the hard won experience of those that have lived it. That said, far more people read these posts than actually write posts. When I start a thread it is definitely because I want the replies for myself but I keep in mind that others may benefit as well. So when the OP is not interested in replies there are most likely readers that are benefiting. I know I am stating the obvious but just wanted to be a reminder.

[Nigella]

Kymberly, I understand your viewpoint on reading rather than writing, however, this thread is more personal than general. I can understand a thread starting a general topic, and there being no further response from the OP, however, when you start a thread which is more personal, about the impact on self, then surely you would expect the OP to at least look at the thread, if not respond.

[AlisonWood]

Hi Mandy...I think your question is a good one...can relate very much because I am in the midst of doing something similar - low dose E and Sprio w/o intent to transition...

This isn't outlandish at all, in fact the WPATH Standards of care recognize it:

Hormone therapy can provide significant comfort to patients who do not wish to make a social gender role transition or undergo surgery, or who are unable to do so (Meyer III, 2009).

Like you, I'm not sure where the journey will go - but am working hard to be ok with that. Also taking satisfaction in knowing that, in the end, I am in the driver's seat as are you. Know there are many stories about people starting low and then going full transition once they start...but either way, each of us can make that call when the time comes. Even if a choice to go full bore seems unavoidable and obvious, it's still a choice.

One thing I've considered, and spoken to my therapist about: what if, instead of HRT bringing a sense of well-being and congruence...it was something else (anti-depressant, non sex hormone). Such things also can have side effects (including some of the same things that come with HRT). But would there be so much social meaning attached? Wonder if the thing that makes this medicine different from others is just that it has to do with gender...non sure I'm right about that, but it's a thought.

Not sure how old you are but I'm over 40, which means any dose of HRT might not have so pronounced an effect that makes male presentation impossible. But of course, we all know YMMV.

Hang in there! Alison

[Bria]

Remember that many view threads without logging in, so Miss Mandy may well be viewing the responses. I see the original question as highly relevant to those that are starting on a path that may/could lead to transition, although I would think that before starting HRT, I would want to be more sure of my intended outcome, although that can change, as has been previously noted.

Hugs, Bria

[Cindy J Angel]

Yes yes and yes I'm coming out now and my wife is not on board but I'm working on that I do t know if she will aver be but I push foward. Hrt will start this year

[Miss Mandy]

Thanks so much ladies for your prompt replies...I have decided to hold the course, continue with my treatments, and not worry. In reality, changes are happening at a slow pace so I think I can pass as male as needed for the indefinite future. I can't deny the peace I am feeling, the improvement in our married life, and the dispelling of the uneasiness I have felt for so long. I feel normal and I am not obsessed with dressing now. Yes, I still dress, but it feels absolutely normal and very matter of fact. My wife and I shop for clothes and makeup together, I dress when the opportunity arises, and our lives go on...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sounds nice

[Brooklyn]

Do yourself a big favor and go see a qualified therapist. The peace you are feeling is likely just lower libido. I've seen a few other DIY HRT situations and they did not usually result in a good outcome. If you've already done some "soul-searching" then put in the work now with a counselor, go to an endocrinologist, and do this right. Come out to people you care about. You don't want to look back on this point of your life with regret that you didn't fully understand what you were getting yourself into. HRT is not a form of self-expression - it's serious business - and someone with gender identity issues should not be self-diagnosing and medicating themselves.