Advice required

[Abby710]

Hi all.

I did try to post this before but managed to drop it into the introductions, totally not what I wanted to do but still did, apologies to nigella for this, it won't happen again 😳

Anyway, I seem to have painted myself into a corner in that I've not long told my SO that I cross dress or at least that I used to. Before we got together I was regularly dressing but as I always have done in the past I shut it down when we got together, kind of a security thing till I was sure it'd go somewhere.

I had always done this with dressing and relationships never overlapping the two apart from one time when I found it to be too weird and embarrassing.

A therapist once told me that to have this either or approach was a bad idea and that I should gradually phase it in till the penny dropped and this method did work, I started by buying her a pair of boots for bedroom use which bless her she happily wore. At that time though she did say 'if you wanted to wear them then there'd be a problem' - hmmm.

So now I really want to dress again, it's been said quite rightly that it never goes away and I guess like so many I thought I could bury it but as many will know it ain't that simple! When I told her she kind of parked it seemingly hoping it would be swept under the carpet and life would carry on, I did explain that I wanted to keep it totally out of sight of us only indulging when she was out of town and well and truly out of the bedroom as she really wouldn't have that. Seems she feels threatened by it sexually, or just weirded out I guess, ironically when I dress It's only ever boosted my sex drive with my previous SO's!

So I guess what I'm asking is what do I say now? I really want to keep this years old relationship going as she's a great girl and perfect in every sense, she's just a bit roast beef and Yorkshire pudding when it comes to these things, indeed before I told her she came home from work saying she'd had a conversation with the girls at work about what they'd all do if their men came out as crossdressers, so frustrating that all of the others said they'd be supportive when my girl simply said 'im with a man full stop' great.

Any thoughts?

[Tina_gm]

I guess tread very carefully. Understand that just as you cannot change or be changed, neither can she. CDing isn't for everyone. There may not be much you can do to have her ever embrace it. Like many on here, the best that can be accomplished is a type of don't ask don't tell situation.

[Jenniferathome]

Abby, t's really pretty obvious and simple and you now that. You have to tell her how you feel.

You have one chance to tell her "well.". Tell her everything, tell it concisely. Write it down to get your thoughts together and memorize it. You actually don't even have a secret as you have told her but if you stretched the truth or omitted anything, get it out now, on your terms.

She doesn't have to like cross dressing but denying it doesn't help you or her.

[Abby710]

Totally get that, I doubt very much that she's ever encountered this before anywhere so all a bit new to her, I tried the DADT thing before and going behind a SO's back so to speak really my gnawed away at my conscience, I guess that's what's driving me to be totally open with her now as it somehow seems right, i also thought that it'd be easier on her because I was planning to do it all out of sight. Just need a way to convince her she is under no threat!

Thanks for the advice though

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Hi Jennifer,

You're Absolutely right I didn't tell her well at all, I was scared the full fat version would bring the relationship to an end so I softened it up a bit, I think it's time for another chat this time with a bit more honesty and detail, if you'll forgive the pun I need to man up a bit!

[Rachelakld]

If she's roast beef & Yorkshire pudding, tell her your the mushy peas

Seriously thou, what lad hasn't had a few to many and run up & down Blackpool beach in bra & frilly undies (hell I've even got a 1950's photo of my dad & a few other lads to prove it). Besides, your not really British if you haven't dressed up.

My current wife came from a bad relationship, so she is happy I have a habit that is non-violent and figures there are much worse habits out there. I tend to get down and grumpy if I don't dress, wife sees the signs and tells me to get out for girl time.
As to your situation, well I suppose it's mostly about communication & expectations

[mechamoose]

You have probably just confused her. To the 'so long as you don't wear them' comment regarding the boots, I would have answered 'No silly, I'd get my own!'

Is your dressing an identity thing or a kink thing?

If it is an identity thing, then you really need to find a path. Don't talk about the clothing, talk about YOU. Talk about what you feel and how you feel it. Talk about how it fits in your personal life and what you hope for in your shared life.

If it is a kink thing, then explain that too.

If your partner is able to understand what is going on with you in a non-threatening way this can all work out.

Best of luck, dear.

- Kitty / Moose

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Abby and welcome!

You say 'all of the others said they'd be supportive' and that's quite a thing for your wife to have heard. Knowing that her peers are ok about it might help diffuse her fear of 'what the neighbours might think' and perhaps you might feel encouraged about that.

[Dana44]

Welcome to the forum Abby. What the others said is good information. But really you need to talk to her and let her know your deepest feelings. If you don't then you are hiding it from her. But if you really have good communication with her do things slowly and find a solution where you and her both can be happy.

[Antonia Flemming]

Hi Abby
You are still the Man your Girlfriend fell in love with, same as me and my wife! You need to sit down and talk it all through because beleive me it will tear you appart if you keep hiding it away and not saying anything. You must be Honest with her and explain your true feelings for her and your CD. I dont think it will turn out badly for you, but you need to do this sooner than later. I hope this helps some way?
Good luck and keep us all posted ok?
Love
Antonia

[Teresa]

Abby,
She gets the message that your dressing is sexual and it's not going to happen in the bedroom, hence the comment about the bedroom boots.

I'm exactly the same with the sexual side of it, it's heightens the whole experience, I had two GFs who were OK with it so naively I thought it wouldn't be a problem when I married.

After all these years I now know I'm bi-gender, it's taken far too long to find all this out . If I were you I would sit down and honestly write down how your CDing started , where it is now and what you would like for the future. Please remember most of us are born like it, nothing is going to change that, we have a need which can't be ignored indefinitely , you are going to be the loser trying to deny those facts.

The obvious questions which you haven't mentioned your wife may have asked , are you gay ? and do you want to be a woman ? You will have to honestly answer that yourself.

Most of us know this isn't easy , you are still the same person your wife married, somehow she has to be convinced of that, but it is important to know and accept yourself first before you can make any headway with your wife.
I had to go through two sessions of counselling alone before I could get to where I am now. My wife doesn't want to know but I do go out socially now which she realises it's something I need to do. It takes time and patience , it's often one step forward and two back which is very frustrating but it's a big learning curve for any partner .

[ReineD]

A therapist once told me that to have this either or approach was a bad idea and that I should gradually phase it in till the penny dropped and this method did work, I started by buying her a pair of boots for bedroom use which bless her she happily wore. At that time though she did say 'if you wanted to wear them then there'd be a problem' - hmmm.

First, is this sexual for you? I wonder why you would phase in the crossdressing by introducing a pair of kinky boots in the bedroom, as opposed to just dressing up a bit and the two of you watching a movie together or something.

Seems she feels threatened by it sexually, or just weirded out I guess, ...

If it is sexual for you, women don't like competition. And fetishes are a competition of sorts. Fetishes are an "outside thing" that takes sexual energy away from the relationship, in the sense that something else is causing your arousal other than your girlfriend.

... ironically when I dress It's only ever boosted my sex drive with my previous SO's!

That's understandable, if it is sexual for you. But if the CDing boosts your sex drive, then any woman would wonder why she alone isn't enough to get your juices flowing in the same way. Hence the feeling that the CDing is competition. Women enjoy it when their lovers are into them and nothing or no one else (no other women, no porn, no fetishes) ... unless both people are into the same fetish, which then can be fun for all involved.



You might want to find a girlfriend who is into guys who dress up in the bedroom. Then you'll both be happy.

[Abby710]

Hi all,

Thank you all so very much for your input, it's clear that many paths have been travelled by you all and the amount of experience speaks for itself.

I completely agree with what's been said, her battle is just as big as mine and I need to be sensitive to this instead of just thinking about me, I've dumped a hell of a lot on her plate and I can see why she's not really that cool about allowing it in.

One or two of you asked if its sexual or an identity thing, the answer as usual with this is kind of complicated, whilst it's taken a very kinky sexual path for most of my life I did start to do it before I hit puberty which may just be by the by but it's something I always remembered. I don't want to be a woman or be with men that much I do know I just feel great when dressed, it only ever used to be boots and heels but in latter years I was going the full outfit which I found to be far more immersive but not in a completely sexual way.

If I turned it on its head I'd be feeling a bit left out and second place too I must be honest and when I look at it that way it makes much more sense. Problem I have though is that I'm having these desires again but still want to be with this girl, she's a diamond of a woman and I really couldn't ask for more so losing her would be hell. But then what happens if I try and suppress it all to keep her? Could be just as bad......

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First, is this sexual for you? I wonder why you would phase in the crossdressing by introducing a pair of kinky boots in the bedroom, as opposed to just dressing up a bit and the two of you watching a movie together or something

The reason I phased it in was on the advice of the therapist, she was spot on with everything else and I had no other bright ideas! By the way when you say dressing up and watching a movie what did you mean, that she dresses up or me? (Having a dumb moment here)

[Maria_mtf]

It's quite obvious that most of the responses say the same thing, be honest and communicate with her, it sounds so easy! The crux of it is they are right, communication is the key, but for some of us that's hard to do. I recently re-came out to me wife, it was so hard to do but felt so good afterwards and we are closer for it.

I spent a lot of time reading on here and so many people are unhappy with the amount of time they can express themselves, don't let this happen to you. On the flip side don't talk about it all the time, focus on showing her love and set aside some time to put her first, balance is key.

If what I say helps you then great, but I do not have balance yet and need to follow my own advice.

[ReineD]

The reason I phased it in was on the advice of the therapist, she was spot on with everything else and I had no other bright ideas! By the way when you say dressing up and watching a movie what did you mean, that she dresses up or me? (Having a dumb moment here)

No, I meant if you want to introduce the concept that you either enjoy dressing in women's clothing, or presenting as a woman (wig, makeup, breast forms, etc), you might want to present that way and have a quiet evening at home with your SO. I suggested watching a movie together, or you could do anything you normally do with your SO during the evenings ... cooking dinner together, or gaming, or reading the newspaper, anything really. The point would be to show her that you enjoy presenting this way and it isn't necessarily sexual for you. And hopefully in time she would see that you are the same person, whether you are dressed in women's clothing or not.

[Abby710]

Hmmm, I think if she came home to me dressed like that she'd flip out big time before I could even say the words 'shall we watch a movie' and I'd be sleeping in the spare room - if I even had a relationship left at all!

It's a nice idea but I think it's meant for someone much further down the line SO discussion wise, don't forget I only just told her recently and we haven't established anything yet, let alone me wearing anything !- this is my whole issue that she wants to just forget I even brought it up at all (which I understand totally thanks to the advice given on here) so I need another way .

Thank you all the same though

[ReineD]

I hear what you're saying, but if it is more than just a sexual kink to you, and if you do introduce it in the bedroom as a sexual kink, you will be misrepresenting the CDing to your SO. We've had members who approached it this way in the past and their SOs were not happy to learn later that the need to crossdress extended beyond the bedroom.

Of course I don't know your SO ... but it seems to me that an honest approach from the onset is the best way to go. Also I wasn't suggesting you should just pop up fully dressed without prior discussion. You should indeed discuss this with your SO first and let her know what your real needs are, so the two of you can work on this together. But, if you're happy with just keeping it as a fun kink in the bedroom and your SO is OK with this, then by all means carry on!

[char GG]

Hi Abby,
Welcome to the forum.

You obviously know how you feel and what secrets you are hiding from your SO. Now give her a chance and the choice to see how she feels after everything is out in the open. You know that you can't live without CDing. Let her know whether or not you can live without her. It is extremely unfair to continue a relationship with a huge "elephant in the room".

Of course she probably feels threatened. I think Reine explained that very well. She may choose to stay with you but it will be a decision that you both are involved in making.

Good luck with your future communication.

[Katya@]

Hi Abby,

I completely agree with advices given yet I always think that one needs time to digest things. And how much time - is different for everyone. I know it's tempting to clear things out asap and move on with lives but I don’t think it works for everyone. It took many years (~10) for me to figure things out with my wife partially because I needed to figure it out myself first what it is for me. It took more than one conversation too to convey the idea. In the meantime, you can dress when she is not at home, discover yourself first, and be confident in yourself. When you feel good about youself (it takes a while to kick out the guilt feeling), and you prepared yourself for a conversation - proceed more. And btw, I think if it is hard to talk in person, I would write a letter and explain myself clearly and answer all common questions. Many advices here in the Sticky comments. Let her read it in and process it.
Katya@
Good luck.

[Abby710]

I guess I felt at the time I couldn't tell her and was looking for a surrogate thing to ease the urges, I hoped it would take them away and be a kind of outlet I suppose, it was also advice given to me by the therapist to help her get used to it as it were. Really it's always been a Very personal and solo thing as i don't feel comfortable dressed in front of anyone so I can't ever see it being a bedroom thing, or at least I have no desires for us to be having sex dressed.

[CONSUELO]

The overwhelming experience of cross dressers who are members here is that their desire to cross dress does not go away and will likely increase over time. You may be able to work out a way to allow you to dress on your own and for her not to see or know about it but my guess is that would not last for too long.
We are what we are and it is unlikely that we will change. You really need to talk this through as honestly and openly as you can as it will not solve itself.

[Rhonda Darling]

Dear Abby . . . . . . .

You need to consider the possibility that she is not the right person for you. While some of us have had success "changing" our SO (actually, it's more about educating someone who is already of an accepting disposition for most things, who just needs to learn more about this "new" thing), many relationships haveended after an unsuspecting SO becomes aware of this part of our lives and decides she (or he) can't accept that aspect of us as a part of the relationship.

A relationship that works is usually one where the parties grow together and strengthen the bond mutually, without trying to fundamentally change the other. Be open to the possibility that she may not be the right person for you. Your CD/TG/TS tendencies will not go away. If she can't accept and deal with that fact, move on. You can't fundamentally change her any more than she can talk you out of that which is part of you.

IMHO, YMMD.

Rhonda

[phili]

Abby,
My wife really is unhappy about me bringing up my need to crossdress, and the one thing that has helped is to ask her to create a safe emotional space for me- and she readily preferred saying " crossdress at home- just don't go out and let any one else see you.'

It stlll bothers her, whenever she can't maintain the saintly stance- but being a saint is a strong motivation to really try.
Phil

[Abby710]

Thanks everyone for the input,

This is precisely what I'm trying to aim for here, a situation where I do what I do and she sees nor hears anything about it, it's the best compromise here in what is a very difficult situation. I agree totally that it's not going away, history has proven that beyond all doubt and I accept it however I've learnt a lot on this forum about her feelings and what this could mean for them, I really wasnt considering them at all before ��

It's such a catch 22 situation, if this isn't resolved then it'll break us up but if I was to dress again, even away from her she feels threatened by it (its a bit sexual for me) which as I say I totally get. I want is to succeed as a couple but need to find a way to dress at the same time, yes I've considered DADT but this doesn't sit well with me as I say and it certainly flies in the face of the honesty that has been advised here. I'll be sitting down and having a chat soon, I'll let you all know what happens.

Thank you all so much for the advice it's worth its weight in gold!