Enough is not enough

[desertrider]

Agh. Frustrated. I haven't checked in here much lately, following my own path I guess.

Sometimes that path gets a bit...complicated.

Have you heard that joke (who hasn't), "What's the difference between CD and TS? (about 2 years...)"?

I've been pretty happily genderqueer...I thought...but ugh...when you aren't getting 'enough', it's just not 'enough' is it?

I keep hopelessly trying to square years of playing male without obvious doubts, with thoughts of never wanting to pass as male again (girl is ok, freak is ok, queer is ok, biker/mysogonist/dude/etc. definitely not ok anymore).

I don't usually feel like I strongly need to ~pass~ as a girl, as long as no one ~ever~ mistakes me for a 'guy'.

But sometimes...it gets lonely in GQ land. People get binary MTF & FTM a bit these days, at least in my town.

And boy, full girl mode sure is fun. I just don't think after 30 years of playing dude it's all that authentic, too many ingrained habits of male overcompensation that come our really weird as a fem.

But...these days I get really frustrated, bored, 'fidgety' even, if I'm in jeans too much, you know?

Like when I knew & followed the rules, everything was easy, right?

Now following the rules would be like putting a corset around my neck, but the hard path is, um, hard. i.e. You don't just dump your family even if they don't understand you or always want you around.

Do you find yourself arbitrarily wanting to pretty up? Even if you're not going anywhere? Lipstick around the house? Possibly something really loud like blue or bright purple? Or something that actually glows? But I think if I had dayglo lipstick with lasers, I'd still start wanting something brighter...maybe a neon sign I could put on my neck with a big gold chain like Public Enemy that says, "Fem-ish. YES, REALLY."

Do you put on your favorite outfit and ask yourself, "where's the rest, there must be more in here somewhere, right?" (*not a pantyhose person) (*I tend to dress like my mom and she mostly wore pants, yet another source of confusion).

Do you get annoyed every day when you change into drab for work? Like, who's forcing me to stay straight? Just cause these people have worked with the 'same' guy for a decade is no excuse.

Do you fight the urge to move in with your girlfriends so you can have someone to treat you fem more than a couple hours a week?

And therein might be a large piece of the pie...if you're feeling fem, but you have legitimate reasons to be (somewhat) closeted in other parts of your life...then you start to feel like 'real' life is that little part when you can express yourself for a few hours...then the rest starts to feel kinda...?

But I swear I'm not ~all~ girl? Right? That would be just as stupid as playing guy all the time. It's just pink fog? Right?

WHY MUST WE CHOOSE???

Why must I feel so validated when I can be comfortably fem? When I'm in a safe circle of friends?

I know it doesn't all have to add up, but it still never quite all adds up! You know?

Life is torture, but it's so...liberating...sometimes...

Ah, anyways...off to the therapist, lol! (mine's good, but again, that only gets you so far...)

Hugs,
Summer

[CarlaWestin]

Agh. Frustrated. Do you get annoyed every day when you change into drab for work? Like, who's forcing me to stay straight? Just cause these people have worked with the 'same' guy for a decade is no excuse.

Whew! I need a nap after reading all that! The quote above truly resonates with me at the moment since I need to get ready for work.
And, uh, these big boobys I have right now would probably really complicate things at work. Who needs that stress?

[Alice Torn]

Summer, You wrote things i relate to, except I have not had a girfriend, in decades. And i have been in a religion that forbids crossdressing, and none of the single women in that outfit accepted my dressing anyway, and ones not in a church don't seem to like it either, so i am solo. I really think part of dressing up for me, is resembling the woman i either wish i had, or wish i could have been. It is a double life kind of like a double agent, or like Clark Kent and Superman! Having to present as normal male in all male clothes, for work, and other obligations, and being the lady for maybe 3% of the time. People judge by the outward appearance, and i am afraid there will always be a stigma for us who don womens things. Like some have said, it is considered a move upward, for girls or women to wear manly things, but a move downward, when a man wears womanly things. Sad but true.

[Pat]

I keep hopelessly trying to square years of playing male without obvious doubts, with thoughts of never wanting to pass as male again (girl is ok, freak is ok, queer is ok, biker/mysogonist/dude/etc. definitely not ok anymore).

I don't usually feel like I strongly need to ~pass~ as a girl, as long as no one ~ever~ mistakes me for a 'guy'.

Wow. Sounds a lot like me, really. I'm fortunate in that my circumstances at the moment allow me to follow that path but easy or hard it's a valid path.

WHY MUST WE CHOOSE???

You don't have to choose. In fact, I'd argue you can't choose. You have to be who you are. If you're TS you eventually have to go that way. If you're non-binary you have to go that way. The illusion of choice sometimes distracts us from figuring out who we really are. I believe happiness comes from finding out who you are and being that. In radio there's the concept of resonance -- when you find the frequency the circuit it tuned to, energy flows in and out of the circuit with little or no resistance. Metaphorically, you're the circuit and you're seeking resonance.

I have no advice, all I can do is say I hear you and you're not alone.

[Dana44]

Summer, yeah you hit the nail right on the head. As a gender fluid person, OH yeah, when you only get a few hours a week. It does get frustrating. Ah but I am with my GF and nope she doesn't want me too fem but understands that I have to. but you are right Life is a torture and we push trough it. I am not sure how male i m anymore.

[Jenniferathome]

...Have you heard that joke (who hasn't), "What's the difference between CD and TS? (about 2 years...)"?...

Summer, we've all heard or read the joke, but I want to point out to any wife or girlfriend or partner, that it is totally, utterly FALSE.

Those that are TS but still in denial may call themselves cross dressers but they are still trans. The fact they they may have cross dressed does not make them a cross dresser. A cross dresser is nothing more than a cross dresser and does not "transition."

[Teresa]

Summer,
I've just checked your age and it looks like another whose hit that point of knowing where you've been but wanting to take a different path now.
It became desperate for me too in my forties, the hiding behind closed doors feeling bad over something we can do nothing to change and yet everyone thinks it's OK for you to carry on as it is.
It is a real time for honesty and saying what about me , I have needs too, you will become a better person if you can find a way to convince others about your true feelings.

I'm now in my sixties, and hit the same thing again but this time I managed to convince people enough so I'm finally out in the World and going out socially. I'm still the same person but much happier, my family haven't lost me but they now give me space to satisfy my needs.

Be honest with the therapist , it will help you to get through it .

[sometimes_miss]

Do you get annoyed every day when you change into drab for work?

I can answer that one at least. Lots of people have to wear some type of uniform for their job. 'generic male' is my work uniform. And I take it off when I come home from work unless 'genetic male' has other work that has to be done in that uniform. Like a cop; who moonlights as a security person at the local supermarket; they'll leave their police uniform on for that job. I leave my 'generic male' uniform on after work if I have to do things in public that aren't part of fun, I just look at it as part of my job. Grocery shopping, working around the yard, fixing the car, toting lumber, all things that should be done in my generic male uniform.