Letting go

[JanePeterson]

So, as some of you may know I officially submitted my "coming out" memo to my chain of command - it has been parked in the legal office for about a month until my annual performance review was completed. My review was finished last week, and yesterday it left the safety of the lawyers office and has begun its journey through the Coast Guard admin world.

My memo was primarily an explanation of what being trans is and how I came to be here, but at the end I made a few reccomendations/requests for the next steps. One of my requests was asking to be relieved of command of my ship and moved somewhere better equipped to handle my transition.

I have been extremely fortunate so far in my CG career; I had amazing mentors at the right time, and got a lot of help song the way. I completed a successful command tour already on a patrol boat in the Gulf of Mexico - I got to go to graduate school - I had a great staff tour doing IT management - and I achieved my absolute dream assignment, which is being captain of an icebreaker. And now that the wheels have begun to spin, at my request, my ship I worked so hard for and was so lucky to get will be taken away from me... and I can't help but dwell on the loss I feel.

Because of the timing and my relative seinority at this point, this will probably be my last tour at sea. And while I should still be competitive for promotion, I am faced with handing over the culmination of my 10 years of time in right at the worst and most painful moment.

I hate to complain too bitterly - there are other women here who have literally gone hungry from lack of food because of the price they've paid for their transition... And honestly I think as I gain distance from this moment I will regret the loss a bit less... But this is the price of honesty. This is the price of letting go of all the bullshit. This is the price of doing what is best for your ship and crew, even if it means saying farewell.

Sorry - I'll admit that's all a tad melodramatic; just wanted to share how I'm feeling- the answer is bummed.

Jane

[Jennifer-GWN]

Jane you came onto this scene rather discombobulated about transition and what was ahead. Over the past year not only have you come into your own skin you've developed a significant amount of maturity and leadership with respect transitioning to your outlook on your future ahead.

Proud of where you are and what you've accomplished. Great things ahead even if it's only the pure realization of authenticity but I'm quite sure it will be much more then that.

Jennifer

[AllieSF]

Thank you for your heartfelt lament. It is a true loss, which also is a celebration or at least recognition of where you have been, what you have accomplished and where you are going, or may go, which ... I hope is out in the San Francisco Bay area. Good luck on your next assignment.

[Badtranny]

Courage. It's exceedingly rare, that's why it's priceless.

Congratulations on having a bunch of it.

[PretzelGirl]

Jane, when it comes time, all else goes on hold. You have shown amazing resolve in this and facing a really tough situation. It does suck and that can't change. But you will come out being real and maybe a guiding light for some others in the CG.

[KymberlyOct]

Jane, I am late to the party getting to know you but I am so impressed with your courage. Coming out in any branch of the service - especially as an officer - AND your recent very honest post regarding your relationship I think both are truly admirable. IMHO you are very important to this group and I am glad you are here. Congratulations on setting the wheels in motion.
Kym

[tgirlamc]

Hi Jane!!!

You have every right to be bummed... You have built much over the years that won't be seen through to what might be seen as the ideal point of completion ...But, you are building new things as well with your clear headed courage!

Respectfully,

Ashley

[Rianna Humble]

Jane, please don't apologise for sharing your feelings with us. As tgirl said, you have every right to feel like that.

I gave up doing something I was very good at (despite what the gutter press said) for my transition, later I was encouraged to go back but it proved impossible. Every now and then, I still feel upset and hurt about that loss, but if I had it to do over again I would in the twinkling of an eye because nothing compares to being true to yourself.

[grace7777]

Jane,

As others have said, you have shown a lot of courage in what you have done. Don't give up hope for the future.

Grace

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

Never apologize for feeling saddened by coming to terms with loss irrespective of what that loss is. You worked exceeding hard to get to where you are and the prospect of handing over your command (BTDT) is a hard one to take. A friend of mine once told me, it takes courage to do what you need to do to live and be happy . . . some people never achieve that . . . you have.

Cheers

Marcelle

[becky77]

You're doing what you need to do, though it saddens me you have to give up what you love.
Can women not command ships?

[pamela7]

I feel for you. I've let go my own commands in the business world, and afterwards it is liberating, or at least it was for me. Good luck!!!

[JanePeterson]

Can women not command ships?

Ahh that's the real rub...

The Coast Guard has many female captains. If I so chose, I probably could have remained here in command and continued my transition in place... Thats what makes it so hard.

But there is already a heavy burden on my crew being assigned to a shp, especially during ice season; to then ask them to accept something so new from the "boss" none the less would be too much.

Also, I've noticed that I have become pretty self centered lately as I try and figure all of this out - the captain of a ship can never be self centered... I don't have the capacity to serve my crew 100% while at the same time worrying about the challenges of transition. I hope that someday (soon!) I can start to focus on things other than myself again.

[becky77]

So will it be taken away from you or are you getting some level of control to determine your future?

I know I don't understand the situation but mentally it's more healthy to think you had some element of choice.

[Heidi Stevens]

Things may not be going quite the way you want careerwise, but your physical welfare should be your top priority. Let the transition happen and get familiar with yourself over the next stretch. The Coast Guard has to take the view that a ship captain has to be sure of themselves to command a crew. The job reassignment is, in my opinion, to give both you and the Coast Guard time to absorb the changes. You seem to be handling everything associated with your personal changes in a well thought out plan and controlled manor. Take the reassignment in stride for now and get your transition behind you. Once you've proved to them that you are still the fine commander and person you have been all along, they won't let such trained talent sit on the sidelines for long. Stay strong, Jane!

[JanePeterson]

I definately made the choice to leave - I don't know if the CG would have left me in command if I asked to transition, but I decided on my own to request to be moved somewhere else, so I own it - but it was definately a case of putting my health and survival above my career... And it'll take me some time to feel good about it - I really hope this becomes an opportunity for me to help the CG with trans issues somehow; if I'm able to turn this into a way to positively impact others while I transition, it will make the pill a little less bitter

[tgirlamc]

Hi Jane!!!

Please don't worry about the "self-centered" part. Transition by its nature is a very inward facing journey that requires almost intense focus on self but on the other side of it we can turn our attention outward to the world again as we see it for the first time through our real eyes!

Ashley

[KymberlyOct]

Jane, From the little bit we have communicated I knew instantly that you were giving up command of your ship for the benefit of your crew. I understand there are reasons to do it for yourself as well but I believe your crew was your primary motivation. You believe they deserve 100% of your attention and you do not want to be a distraction to them. I don't think that has anything to do with being trans or standing up for your rights. I believe that you are just being a great leader and putting their needs in front of your own and I am extremely impressed and proud. Staying in the CG is standing up for your rights and that is impressive as well. Thanks for continuing to share with us, we all support you.