Been Awhile

[Danielle19]

It has been several months since I last posted. I'm still looking for some answers so maybe I'll post here again!

I've been seeing a gender therapist for 13 months now, I went to several trans support groups offered through my university as well as some that are just present in my city. I'm still on the fence about starting hrt though. Literally everyone I've asked has said that I should just try it for like 6 months and see how I feel. I'm afraid of the permanent effects that happen such as breast growth. If I decide that I am just a CD or that I'm mistaken then I'll be a man with breasts. I'd also have to go to all the people I've come out to and say "Jk I'm a man"

I've been dressing since I was 7 or 8 and I would pray that God would turn me into a girl over night. I started with moms lingerie/dresses then moved to prom/formal dresses until I was out of high school. THroughout this time I would dress up, eventually masturbate and then just take the clothes off. At school dances I would envy the girls because of what they could wear while I was stuck in a suit and tie. Other than this I was pretty normal, I was in Boy Scouts, on the wrestling team, and spent my spare time trying to talk to girls.

Eventually I got to college and had a GF and eventually told her that I'm a CD. 9 months after I told her we broke up and I started experimenting more at the age of 20. I would go to make up counters and get makeovers, go dress shopping, and shave my legs. Even went to get a pedicure while dressed once. Went to a CD support group for a couple months but realized that I just didn't feel like that was me. Continued just dressing in private and spending an embarrassing amount of money on clothes until I turned 22. For most of the time between 20 and 22 I was distracted with work and my first real group of friends that would actually invite me out.

At 22 I got fed up with everything and did research and thought I was trangender. I started seeing the gender therapist and told her everything. We talked about how I love the idea of hrt. Unfortunately, there are days that I feel like I 100% need to start hrt and then theres other days where I think "crap, maybe I'm a CD" or just days where I'm just so distracted that I don't think about it at all. EDIT: I also had a photoshoot where I had my makeup done and the photographers treated me like a woman and it was easily one of the best days I've ever had.

Now 23 I feel like time is running out and I'm still on the fence. I'm afraid to start relationships and I feel like my life is at a stand still. I spend most of my free time either dressed and/or doing research or looking at hrt timeline videos. I get pretty jealous when I watch these videos. Whenever girls come over to get ready for the bar in our bathroom I get jealous because they get to dress up, do their hair and makeup, and just be a girl. I've told my mom, sister and brother in law. They are all incredibly supportive of whichever path I choose. I just don't know whats going on. I feel like I shouldn't be flip flopping in mind. Opinions or advice?

I'm so sorry for the novel by the way. I'm just really anxious right now and wanted all the info to be out there.

P.S. I'm posting this before work so I'll take a lil to reply. Sorry.

[tgirlamc]

Hi Danielle,

If you've put in the time with a therapist and you still aren't sure of what direction you want to take things, I'd wait until you are more sure.... You mention the feelings that "time is running out"... You are very young, even though at 23 one feels like they are old and wise ... With the specter of the grim reaper close behind them!!!!... Trust me, you have time!!! If this is really what you need to do, I believe you'll start to see it as your only real way to live your life but I would urge you to stick with the therapy to continue sorting this stuff out.

Take Care,

Ashley

[PretzelGirl]

Seconding Ashley! I waited until I was.... let's say more than twice as old as you are. There is no such thing as time running out. The only thing is to be real. Let who you are inside come out. Don't let it be about clothes or make-up, let it be about who you feel like inside. Once you achieve that you will know. Keep working with a therapist. It isn't always easy going through this alone.

[Mirya]

I'm still on the fence about starting hrt though. Literally everyone I've asked has said that I should just try it for like 6 months and see how I feel. I'm afraid of the permanent effects that happen such as breast growth. If I decide that I am just a CD or that I'm mistaken then I'll be a man with breasts. I'd also have to go to all the people I've come out to and say "Jk I'm a man"

6 months of HRT isn't something you just "try". Who are these people you are talking to that are giving this advice? lol. Personally, I had difficulty hiding my developing breasts starting at around 2-3 months of HRT. And I'm 39 yrs old. If you're 23 yrs old, I'd guess the breast growth would be faster.

You can try HRT for about a month before physical changes start becoming noticeable. But sterility can happen at any time once you begin, so if you're going to "try" HRT, you need to either freeze your sperm at a sperm bank beforehand, or give up the idea of ever having your own biological children.

Given what you've written, my initial impression is that you're a CD and should not start HRT. Why do I think this? Well, first of all, you yourself said that you're still on the fence. HRT isn't some fun pill that you just try with no effects. It changes you both physically and mentally. Secondly, in reading over your experiences, you describe all your en femme experiences in the context of wearing dresses, doing makeup, and getting makeovers. When someone transitions from MtF, clothing and makeup is a small fragment of the experience. One should transition because they need to transition socially, not because they want to wear pretty clothes and makeup. That means interacting with other men, other women, strangers, and friends as a woman, with all the benefits AND disadvantages that entails. Shut out all the thoughts about dresses, skirts, and makeup for a moment. Do you see yourself being happy living as a woman, being treated as a woman (men speak in condescending tones to women all the time, I get this a lot myself), and being in the workplace as a woman (and probably being paid less because you're a woman)? Could you do that day in and day out, wearing pants and a t-shirt everyday, with your hair pulled back and with no makeup? Think about that, and if you're still unsure, try it. Wear t-shirts, pants, and shorts every day. Wear just enough makeup to cover facial hair, but not much else. And try doing a real-life experience as a woman. Do this for a week or more and see how you feel about it.

I remember when I was 23. I had a friend who was 30 at the time, and I thought she was soooo old! But 23 is actually very young. You have a whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to come to a decision.

[arbon]

It does not seem like you really accept or are okay that you are a man crossdressing to me.

Do you like your male life? Does it feel right to you?

added: I am not opposed to trying hrt. When I started it felt like the right thing and cemented my resolve to transition.

editied one more time: nothing you have written would indicate that you are not ts or should not transition.

[Danielle19]

Woah, thanks for the replies everybody!

tgirlamc: I feel like I'm young and stupid . I only feel like I'm running out of time because I keep reading the common regret of "I wish I started sooner." Also, all my research says that the older I get the less likely I am to pass. Passing is important to me because I want to be treated like a woman and seen as one. If I don't pass then I'll be treated poorly.

Sue: My fear is also that I'm only doing this for clothes and makeup

Mirya: I'm pretty active on Reddit. I've had 20+ people tell me to try it saying that paying to get the new breast tissue (if any) removed. Posted this same post on REddit and had two more people suggest trying hrt. They pretty much said its worth doing so that I'll at least have an answer.

At this point I've been buying ( I manage a clothing store and get a discount) a ton of everyday clothes that are not dresses or skirts. So pretty much pants and shorts. I wear these the most often. I've completely changed my female wardrobe from girl that attends a prom everyday of her life (lol) to a normal and balanced wardrobe and I wear more everyday makeup. I dress only in private now and have been for 2 years due to my current situation and the fact that I'm afraid I'll be obvious .

My therapist and I have discussed the negatives that you listed as well as some others. Even then I'm still convinced that it'd be worth all the disadvantages if I was to choose to socially transition. I'd be my true self.

As for wearing pants/shorts and a tee everyday without makeup...... I do that everyday already! The only difference would be the way people see me

I'm not out to anyone but the three I listed above and I live with roommates so living the female experience for a week is impossible. My gender therapist and I both agree with you though. I'm going to start going to therapy sessions and support group meetings dressed. When I get the courage I plan on going to the local LGBT bar.

"...my initial impression is that you're a CD and should not start HRT." Reading this really upset me but I'm in no way upset with you I'm glad that you gave an honest opinion and challenged my thoughts as well as gave me something to think about

EDIT: I'm so very tired of hiding this part of me. I feel like I'm acting like something I'm not everyday.

arbon: I'm not comfortable being "just a crossdressing man" My male life feels empty. I don't like the expectation placed on me to be muscular and all the other stereotypes of manliness.

[Mirya]

I'm pretty active on Reddit. I've had 20+ people tell me to try it saying that paying to get the new breast tissue (if any) removed. Posted this same post on REddit and had two more people suggest trying hrt. They pretty much said its worth doing so that I'll at least have an answer.

No offense, but Reddit doesn't really count. People on Reddit don't really know you. There are a lot of things people can learn about you by your body language and the way you communicate in person. And total strangers on Reddit can say whatever they want without any effect on their real-life reputation. I would take their advice with a grain of salt. Instead, go to the local trans support groups, make friends there, and see what THEY think, and only after they've gotten to know the real you.

I'm not out to anyone but the three I listed above and I live with roommates so living the female experience for a week is impossible. My gender therapist and I both agree with you though. I'm going to start going to therapy sessions and support group meetings dressed. When I get the courage I plan on going to the local LGBT bar.

What's more important? What your roommates think of you, or discovering the answer to your life-changing question? I can almost guarantee you that living and presenting as a woman in real life will give you the answers you seek. And you can do that without risking the permanent effects of HRT. At the very least, go to as many support groups meetings as you can while dressed. Getting out there and interacting with people (real people, not with people online) on a regular basis will give you great insight into who you really are.

Like you, for the longest time I wasn't sure what I was. Even though I had thoughts of wanting to be a girl since I was a child, I never felt desperate enough to do it. And I dressed as a woman sometimes too, almost always in private. I never came out to anyone. Then, about a year ago, as I neared my 40's, I decided I finally needed to check out the local trans groups in the area. I went to them all, and often. I went to cross-dressing groups too. I made friends with all types of people in all those different support groups, in real life and in person (literally dozens of CDs, TGs, TS, and everything in between). I met people outside of the group meetings too, to chat over lunch, or to go to a LGBT bar/club, or whatever. In the span of less than a year, and with the guidance of my gender therapist, I have gone from thinking I was a cross-dresser and totally in the closet to living 24/7 full-time as a woman. I started HRT 6 months ago and just this week completed my legal name change. My driver's license, social security, health insurance, auto insurance, and financial accounts now have my female name and female gender on record.

I attribute my fast transition timeline to a lifetime of pent-up internalized thoughts and feelings that I could never sort out. But once I got out into the real-life TG world, presenting as a woman, and met and befriended people, and talked with them, and did life with them, I realized my own place and my own true identity. I encourage you to do the same, as it helped me immensely in coming to terms with my authentic self. Get out from behind the keyboard on reddit and internet forums. Meet and talk to as many people in real-life as you can while dressed and presenting as a woman. The sooner you start this, and the more people you form friendships with as a woman in real-life, the sooner you will find the answers you seek.

[KymberlyOct]

Great reply Mirya, I know you were speaking to Danielle but I got a lot out of it. Well said, thanks !!

[tgirlamc]

Yes!!! Great reply by Mirya!.. Getting out there and getting a taste of interacting with the world will give you a lot of insight as well as a lot more to discuss in therapy...