It has been several months since I last posted. I'm still looking for some answers so maybe I'll post here again!
I've been seeing a gender therapist for 13 months now, I went to several trans support groups offered through my university as well as some that are just present in my city. I'm still on the fence about starting hrt though. Literally everyone I've asked has said that I should just try it for like 6 months and see how I feel. I'm afraid of the permanent effects that happen such as breast growth. If I decide that I am just a CD or that I'm mistaken then I'll be a man with breasts. I'd also have to go to all the people I've come out to and say "Jk I'm a man"
I've been dressing since I was 7 or 8 and I would pray that God would turn me into a girl over night. I started with moms lingerie/dresses then moved to prom/formal dresses until I was out of high school. THroughout this time I would dress up, eventually masturbate and then just take the clothes off. At school dances I would envy the girls because of what they could wear while I was stuck in a suit and tie. Other than this I was pretty normal, I was in Boy Scouts, on the wrestling team, and spent my spare time trying to talk to girls.
Eventually I got to college and had a GF and eventually told her that I'm a CD. 9 months after I told her we broke up and I started experimenting more at the age of 20. I would go to make up counters and get makeovers, go dress shopping, and shave my legs. Even went to get a pedicure while dressed once. Went to a CD support group for a couple months but realized that I just didn't feel like that was me. Continued just dressing in private and spending an embarrassing amount of money on clothes until I turned 22. For most of the time between 20 and 22 I was distracted with work and my first real group of friends that would actually invite me out.
At 22 I got fed up with everything and did research and thought I was trangender. I started seeing the gender therapist and told her everything. We talked about how I love the idea of hrt. Unfortunately, there are days that I feel like I 100% need to start hrt and then theres other days where I think "crap, maybe I'm a CD" or just days where I'm just so distracted that I don't think about it at all. EDIT: I also had a photoshoot where I had my makeup done and the photographers treated me like a woman and it was easily one of the best days I've ever had.
Now 23 I feel like time is running out and I'm still on the fence. I'm afraid to start relationships and I feel like my life is at a stand still. I spend most of my free time either dressed and/or doing research or looking at hrt timeline videos. I get pretty jealous when I watch these videos. Whenever girls come over to get ready for the bar in our bathroom I get jealous because they get to dress up, do their hair and makeup, and just be a girl. I've told my mom, sister and brother in law. They are all incredibly supportive of whichever path I choose. I just don't know whats going on. I feel like I shouldn't be flip flopping in mind. Opinions or advice?
I'm so sorry for the novel by the way. I'm just really anxious right now and wanted all the info to be out there.
P.S. I'm posting this before work so I'll take a lil to reply. Sorry.