Is he gay? I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Don't get mad, this is a real question...well, a series of questions....
Hi there,
To be honest, the only one that answer those questions is him/her. While there are some commonalities amongst many here, there are differences. As a transwoman, I can't speak to what a cross dresser wants but having watered here for some time, I have an understanding from what I have read. Cross dressers tend to identify as male even when dressed but that runs the gambit of "all dude" to "woman when dressed but still like my guy side". For some along that CD spectrum, fantasy plays a big role in "feel good" so you may find some who identify as heterosexual male fantasizing about sex with a man with them in female role. Does it mean they want to become a woman? Potentially they could be trans and are just in denial about it but it is also likely they are CD and the fantasy is part of the process. Again, she/he would have the answer to that.
The key thing to remember is that cross dressing is not a "gateway expression" to being transsexual. As a trans woman, I was always a woman . . . I just denied suppressed for so long that being guy was the only thing I knew. Once I accepted myself then things fell into a peaceful state. If she/he is a cross dresser and that is it . . . that is where she/he will stay. If she/he is truly trans then it is probable she/he will continue forward. This is not to scare you or imply this will happen but again I think a sit down discussion with your BF and some honest responses from him/her is warranted.
Cheers
Marcelle
Last edited by Marcelle; 07-26-2016 at 06:35 AM.
Clever,
Marcelle answered well. I would add that based on your previous posts, he sounds like he is probably bi or bicurious, and certainly has an issue with the fantasy reality border, as well as an empathetic appreciation for his affect on others within a relationship.
As far as being the same as others on this forum, I think we are a pretty diverse group, and there are some that are more like him and less like him. As far as likelihood of being gay, I know there are a great many CDS like myself that are not, but there are also many that are gay or bi. Numbers? I have no statistically valid facts, but I would guess the "not straight" occurrence is probably higher than the general population. But let's not get that argument rolling.
You can't find the answers you seek in generalisations- crossdressers come in all flavours.
In all probability he doesn't know exactly what he wants, which is why you and he are where you're at.
Your options are pretty limited: either he answers your questions and you get to make a decision, or he can't answer...and you get to make a decision.
It pretty much comes down to how much do you love him. I always tend to side with the person in your position, in questions like these, and my advice is always the same: don't waste your life waiting for someone to thrash around and maybe or maybe not discover themselves unless you know in your heart you're with them for the long haul, no matter what. Unconditional love, in other words. This applies to all partners, not just crossdressers.
Good luck to you both and please let us know how it goes.
I used to have a short attention spa
Welcome back Clever! I has missed the post last month about her returning to you. I expected that would happen sooner or later - you are too wonderful to abandon.
(Switch pronoun now to match your usage)
Is he gay? - unlikely as he wants to be with you. As stated, he is likely bicurious. But imagining a penetration is different than making it happen. He is old enough to have made it happen if that is what he truly desires. We are not all like him - I do not have penetration fantasies. I do imagine society treating me like a woman, having men admire my from afar - as confirmation that I appear normal. He may be confused as to what it takes to affirm his feminine-ness. With his level of guilt, he may be afraid to say his inner feelings to those he loves - like you. So see if he will see a therapist or come here to learn about himself. You came and learned. Hopefully what you learned may help him, but he has to acknowledge what is his truth.
Hugs, Ellen
Is he gay? Only he can answer that!
I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Speaking for myself, yes I want the penetration and do fantasize about men and their parts, however I do not want a man, so to speak, at least not permanently. I want to wear the sexiest of clothes, I want the aurora of a woman, I want all the nicety's a woman gets to enjoy, the perfume, the jewelry, the lingerie, the heels, omg - the heels. Sadly, I've admitted it long ago but chose the path of being a man for the most part.
im pretty much 24/7 being out of work right now and i love when my wife takes on the more masculine role. i enjoy cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc while she mows the yard and picks out what we watch on tv. i would not enjoy doing this with a man.
Be careful of the toes you step on today, for they could be connected to the asses you kiss tomorrow.
I read all the replies till now. Specifically, I think I have something in common with Sascha Marie. I want my wife to take on the more masculine role and treat me as a woman whenever we are alone. I would love to treat her as my man. I actually think she is more masculine.
His fantasies, only he can answer. I do not have such fantasies.
I'm straight. I will NEVER transition. This is the norm for most cross dressers. Some trans people think they are cross dressers before admitting they are more than that. It's a tough admission when you think about what that future holds.
you are concerned enough that it is counseling time for the both of you.
Sounds to me like he has penis fantasies but gay I don't think so he is with you after all.
Does that mean he will act on those fantasies? You would have to ask him that or have him actually come face to face with that option to actually know if he would.
I never understood sexual fantasies so maybe I am not the one to answer that part.
Does he want to be a woman? Probably not after all he is into fantasies right?
As for me I wish I had been born female but play the hand I was given.
I am gay but don't have fantasies about penises.
I'm not afraid to admit I love to dress as a female.
The only one to answer anything in your situation is him/her.
As stated earlier crossdressing is not a "gateway" to anything If a guy likes to wear womens clothes it doesn't have anything to do with his sexual orientation.
An explanation that is not popular here and that is also not mentioned, and that you might put to him for his consideration, is the possibility that he might be aroused by the idea of being a woman. Most of us are raised amidst heterosexual models (the people that most of us know and live with are not homosexual) and you might ask him if he finds erotic the thought of penetration, but only as a woman. Ask him if in these fantasies, he is male with a male body.
My SO had been single for about 10 years, and as such he was free to explore sex with men while dressed. He found that in the reality of the moment, the actual act turned him off because he did fundamentally have male parts that the other man was most interested in. This blew the fantasy apart. Yet, my SO is happy being male in his day-to-day life.
Reine
I could only echo what other are saying that only he can answer your questions- having said that I can speculate. Since there are women who like penetration that way and I have been told by a couple of women that IT has nothing to do with being gay or straight, it just is what it is.... And those women wanted me to partake in said method. It wasn't for me. I have also been told by a couple of gay men that IT is not for them either. I guess IT really is what it is for the individual.
The Penis fantasies however, well, that is another thing. So, is it the feeling, or what is giving him the feeling?? I would really have to speculate that if he is having Penis fantasies, there is something there.
Sexual orientation IS different. There are very feminine lesbian women, they like to be all girly, wear heels, basically they are barbie dolls. And there are masculine gay men. Bikers, tough guys, all muscular etc etc. Generally, the effeminate gay men and masculine lesbians seem to be the more vocal, more "out" if you will.
To be women all the time?? Is that what he is talking about? Transitioning? For me, I do have fantasies of being a woman. I have moments simply where I wish I was one. I am more feminine than masculine overall. Having said that, my desires/fantasies to be a woman just are not strong enough for me to go through all of what it would take. Besides that, I also have a strong suspicion I would feel a sense of buyers remorse when all is said and done. Like what tracii said, about playing the hand that was dealt seems to me the best course or path for me to go on rather than to muck the hand and go on the path to transition.
We are all as varied on here as is anyone, in any sub culture. The ONLY thing which really binds us together is that we are all gender variant, but from there it branches out like a christmas spruce tree, with so many branches and so many little needles, everyone one of them unique to themselves. Some on here I do have a lot of identification with, many others, hardly at all.
I think the best thing you can do is to try to get through to what is going on with him. He may just be in a place of self discovery. He may be trying to keep some normalcy by having you in his life, even though his real desires are to be a woman full time and to have a man as a lover. He could be realizing he is bi curious or bi sexual. Maybe he already knows but just doesn't want to tell you. I could go on and on of the maybes.
You do deserve the truth. Hopefully he can come to a place where he can be comfortable with that truth, to you, as well as himself. Our own truths are often so hard to deal with. It took me 30 years to even begin to grapple with my own gender variance, and that I was more feminine than masculine.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
If you want the truth just ask him. Fantasies remain fantasies as long as a person does not act upon them. As Reine said most of the time the fantasy far exceeds the actual event. Remember this site really does not require full disclosure of who is posting. Take the comments here with a grain of salt. I can readily envision why the vast majority of women are turned off by their husband's cross dressing desires. Can she really tell where fantasy and fact start and end?
Very well said gendermutt............
Nothingclever,
May I ask are these your questions out of curiosity or something your partner has commented on ?
I can only answer from my own personal point of view, I only have intimate thoughts for women as a male , whatever label you give to the other side of me increases the need to be with a woman. Any thoughts of relationship with a man just aren't there, the increased intimacy doesn't always revolve around simply having a penis, so yes I consider I'm bi-gender.
I will add that that for a short period being with a man was intriguing but I would think either gender occasionally have thoughts along those lines sometime in their life, I guess as humans we're just curious .
As others have said , only your partner can truly put your mind at rest over these issues.
Last edited by Teresa; 07-26-2016 at 01:02 PM.
Clever, I am a BI TG CD. However, I am with a girl. Yes I have tried men, however women are far better to be around and love. Do I think about them? Yes, but fantasy is strong and reality is sometimes sober. Women are amazing creatures and men like us are so fortunate to have one. Communication is key here and to unlock his fantasies you have to really ask him and work though it. Perhaps he may come to the realization that you are his best interest.
Part Time Girl
We are not "all like him". In my experience there is an entire spectrum of cross dressing flavors. I understand that most of the cross dressers on this site are heterosexual but there are many gay cross dressers. The question is really for your partner and the only way to approach and answer is to seek the help of a therapist. Experimentation is another route but one that could be very upsetting and potentially destructive.
Not necessarily, it would depend on the person. I just want to have fun with the CDing and consider it an art for,m and love to dance all night at the club en femme like I did this past Saturday night. Sex doesn't even enter into the equation unless I would find an exceptional person.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
Did you ask him? Did he say no? Is the issue that you don't believe him? If you ask him 100 times and he says no 100 times will you believe him then?Originally Posted by nothingclever
You don't understand what being transgender is -- we get that; we understand that you don't understand, we even understand WHY you don't understand but you don't have to understand anything in this case -- you just have to believe what he tells you (or not.)
Don't ask us what he feels. The only way to know what he's feeling is to ask and the only way for that to work is to believe the answer. Otherwise, you didn't need to ask the question in the first place -- you've already decided what answer you're going to believe.
Whoa Jennie, NC is coming here as there is apparently confusion and likely a communication breakdown. She needs to know, whether that is what she wants to hear, or doesn't want to hear that what her partner is showing and expressing isn't the same for all of us. Let's all please be kind to those who are coming here for questions, either for themselves or others. Many of us get frustrated with the lack of knowledge and here is the place we can best help with that.
The truth is that people evolve from day to day on what they need / want / desire etc. Life is dynamic and constantly changing.
I mean it's like this; I have 9" penis fantasy, (don't ask why) but the chances of such a crazy fantasy ever coming to reality is slim or at least I feel that way. And if it were to come true I would have to phone up a girlfriend of mine to come help (just saying)
The reality is we are all different and there is NO such thing as all of us TG/TS/CD etc. "being just like him", sorry but it just is not that simple
I am placing him over on the not gay but highly / Bi Curious wheel,,,,,,,but that is my opinion
Way too Girly !I couldn't smell the smoke, and now I'll watch the flames
Out on Parole ......Woo Hoo
Gendermutt -- Sorry if the tone read as harsh -- it's not meant to. Read it as your benevolent aunt Jennie telling you these truths: 1. you cannot know what another person is feeling unless you ask them. 2. Don't ask the question if you're not going to believe the answer.
Truth #2 has a lot of caveats; the person might not know the answer, they might not want to speak the answer, they might be wrong (there's a difference between truth and correctness) or they might not tell the truth. But regardless, if you ask you have to make a commitment to believe. Otherwise, why ask?
I'm getting the feeling the OP has made her mind up no matter what we as a group tell her.
Why?
Because the way "we" see things is so far removed from what she thinks she doesn't believe us.
Last edited by Tracii G; 07-26-2016 at 07:28 PM.
So, like others have said, if you want to know about him, only he can answer. But I will answer for me.
Gay, no. Want to be with a man, no. That's why I wear a very obvious engagement ring when i go out -- as an attempt to keep men away. Have I had fantasies, yes. But are they realistic, no. I think they're fun as fantasies, but I'd run for the hills if they started looking like they were real. See engagement ring above. I've had fantasies about getting it on with Julia Roberts, but I don't think that's very realistic. And even if the opportunity presented itself, I'd still recall that I was married, even though it would be really hard to kick her out of bed.
I'm a crossdresser, maybe even bigender. I'm very comfortable being both the real me and Steffi also, so I'm fully planning on keeping all my parts intact.
So, the real question is how can I be so sure? Five years of therapy over the last eight years. It might not work for everyone, but it worked for me.
Last edited by Sometimes Steffi; 07-27-2016 at 09:51 PM.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
You are straight if you find women attractive (you can also be body nvious of them too for their looks and clothes, but attraction is needed), you're bisexual if you find women and men attractive (and possibly body envious of both again), and you are gay if you find only men attractive (and still be body envious of them possibly).Is he gay? I mean the penis fantasies, the penetration, does he really want a man.....what do you all want, you're just like him? What do you want? To be women all the time? Are you just afraid to admit it? I'm confused. Don't get mad, this is a real question...well, a series of questions....
Fantasies, well... if it hardens you then you may be a little kinky, but just cause you want to be bottom doesn't mean you are exactly gay. Rheotorically, If a guy gets pegged he's considered straight, so if he gets penetrated with a dick maybe he found it's easier to get a dick then a strap-on to do him. Pegged-straight/dick-gay is opinion to those who've had it. I think most here mtf CDing would like to be dressed like women 24/7 if it was normal and not stigmatized, but not necessarily women. They may have body envy (i would totally like a real pair of B breasts) (and a lean body (I like my muscle, but get rid of the fat!)) (smooth legs, smooth chests, etc. no hair on parts of the body), I have some body envy. I want to get with plenty of women i see day in and out at work, so I am not afraid to admit I am the concept of a CD -> straight, but likes to look more feminine.
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