Finally told her properly

[Abby710]

Hi all,

I'm posting this to share some experience as to how a SO can react when told and how not to go about it from the CD persons point of view like I did.

You may have read in another post that I wasn't honest when I told my SO the first time which as has been rightly pointed out is not a good idea, I was hoping this would soften the blow but it seems to have made it worse, this time I was frank about it and expressed totally the way I was feeling including the undeniable fact that the urge had returned. In other words all my cards are in the table. It wasn't a massive success.

Firstly it was confirmed that I made it worse not telling her the first time the whole truth, specifically that she was not the first SO that knew about it, I had partially admitted this before but hadn't made it clear. She doesn't like the SO in question (all women seem to hate their predecessors and feel in competition with them even when they're long gone from the scene) and now feels inferior to her as the ex when I told her all those years ago was apart from laughing at me almost totally ok with it.

The big one was that it made her feel totally not enough for me sexually and went on to say that she's felt this way with every other boyfriend as well as not being good enough in normal ways with family and so on, these two things lumped together make it worse.

Also when we got together one of the main things that made us so compatible was that we were not up for ever having kids and had as far as I recall both agreed on that happily, she knew me for 20 years before we hit it off so I thought that my no kids policy was her view too and so therefore a known thing and consigned it to history. If I'd have kept it a secret fair enough But there at least I was totally honest.

However now she has revealed that she actually made a 'massive sacrifice' when we decided that and she was in fact on the fence when it came to having kids, not sure either way and apparently this, when lumped together with the CD'ing is another example of me making her do things 'my way' which is in her eyes is always the way and that makes me feel because I would never want to be like that, I didn't even know I'd done it either, as back then she made no mention of her making any sacrifices at all and I really thought this thing was something we both agreed on, not me forcing her to not have kids, she knew that all along. I wish she'd have said back then although I don't know what difference it would have made.

In addition to this she didn't accept the idea of me doing it out of eyesight and made the point of not knowing what she'd be coming home to every night, I tried to point out that I'd be more careful than that but it fell on deaf ears.

Anyway there were many tears and lots of arguing once all that was out of the bag, apparently everything we do has to be my way but I cannot see where I've don't this, not with the baby stuff and I didn't tell her about my urges to force her to accept the cross dressing (though that would have been easier if she had) only because I was going out of my mind trying to work out what to do and I couldn't lie to her anymore, I wanted to tell her so we could work out a solution not 'look I'm going to start cross dressing again tough if you don't like it' I would never force it on her that just isn't fair. I did my best to explain this very crucial point.

So the upshot is were now talking again, we both made it clear the next day that we don't want to split up as we've too much good stuff to lose. I offered for us to go to therapy and talk it out with someone, not to change her mind necessarily, I don't expect that at all on the strength of evidence so far but just for us both to more understand each others position. I'm really concerned how this will turn out because I don't think there's such a thing as a cure for CD'ing, mainly because it isn't a disease but where that leaves us I don't know. Time will tell I guess.

I just hope she isn't expecting to just ignore it and hope it goes away by itself, that won't help her or me!

Thanks for reading this massive and complex post, hope it's of some help to someone.

Abby

[Tina_gm]

Abby, it is a massive and complex situation for most of us. You have two things going for you. #1. She has indicated the desire to stay together. So cding alone is not a deal breaker. #2 you have a terrific insight into her emotions. Her feelings of having things your way, and of her insecurities or feelings of inadequacy that she has struggled with (most of us do to some degree) . So rather than focusing solely on the dressing issues, what will actually help a tremendous amount will be for her to feel that your relationship is not one sided. Even though you may not intended it to be. And to help with whatever insecurity and inadequacy. If you two together can get to where she feels a 50-50 partnership and can get through some of the other, I believe much of the cd issues will be able to be worked through much easier. They may sort of fall into place on their own. But please address her emotional issues 1st.

It is and will be a long road to get through with repairs to the honesty issues as well as the other issues. I'm not saying to drop cd issues entirely, but the other issues are your bigger priority. When she sees this, and feels that she not your cding is your #1 priority, that will take you a long long way in time.

[MissTee]

Thank you for sharing, Abby. Keep an open dialogue with her and work to make sure it's not all about CD-ing. This can help your relationship become stronger. Best wishes for a great outcome.

[Jenniferathome]

Abby, you are one day into this. It's a marathon, keep your eye on the goal. Therapy is a great idea as a disconnected third party can really help people think objectively.

The kid issue is clearly a HUGE issue for her. You need to address that in therapy as well

[char GG]

Thanks for sharing. Although the initial part was bumpy, which I am not surprised, it seems to have brought out other issues into the open.

I can tell you from my experience, that when I get mad, a whole lot of bottled up issues come up. It's not the best way to resolve the issue at hand. In your SO's case, it seems like the same thing happened. CD issue morphed into not having kids, sacrifices, having things your way, etc. Now that she is calmer and wants to stay with you, it may do you both good to see a therapist and go from there.

To me, the important thing would be to know where your priorities lie. Do they lie with CDing; do they lie with her? Also, at this point it may not be productive to access blame:

The big one was that it made her feel totally not enough for me sexually and went on to say that she's felt this way with every other boyfriend as well as not being good enough in normal ways with family and so on,

It doesn't matter how she felt with other boyfriends, it matters how she feels with you and how you feel with her. You have to decide if she is enough for you sexually and if so, tell her. DONE! If she's not enough, then the matter may be more difficult to work through. You and she have to decide how to proceed.

Thanks for the update! Proud of you for being honest. Now that things are out in the open, hope any resulting issues can be worked on for a mutual resolution.

[Abby710]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies and yet again great advice and perspective. I've now started to see this as a good thing for us as she's now telling me stuff that by the sounds of it she wouldn't have otherwise so possible very good for us provisionally, this kid stuff has really knocked me sideways if I'm honest but at least now we can talk it through and try to find a way.

Char GG I think you're right about other boyfriends but that ain't the way it works here, as much as I love her she's got this wonderful way of bottling up everyone else's and the giving it all to me both barrels when I make a small mistake so i naturally got all their share here too it seems, I have never compared her to any of my exes I must say! I genuinely appreciate the thoughts and perspective of a GG quite a lot too so thank you for that.

It also dawned on me the reason things as she says are so one sided (if they even are) and that is because she will usually flatly refuse to make any decisions in life always leaving it to me, I think she's also a bit afraid of making mistakes in life and I need to work through that too but at least now the stage is set to do so.

I know she's enough for me sexually, I don't think I've ever been as sexual with anyone else and that's the truth I now need to convince her of that.

This thing IS sexual though but she's seeing it as another woman muscling in on us, it's not the same in my eyes but maybe I need to understand that more.

Now off to look for a therapist to get this going before she forgets we ever talked about it!

Once again I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your help and advice, CD GG and all others too ❤️

Abby

[gina shiney]

Abby from disaster to road of understanding and discovery for both of you. It is road some long some longer she has issues to acknowledge and reason form both hers and yours as do you. The therapist is the first key & like all key's it's got to fit. Please make sure that you and then your SO are completely happy with them, sometimes you have to try a few keys. Great start and all the best of hope to both of you
hugs Gina

[Tina_gm]

With these types of situations, my own, I feel the advice or ideas by our GG members is typically very highly valued. Not simply because they are natal female, but because they have experienced what it is like to be told something that likely blind sided them, after a lifetime commitment. Their reactions, their initial feelings. it will give insight into how the information is processed. Of course, our GG members are as unique as we are, but like us, there are many commonalities.

The biggest I have read and also what my own wife has said, is the feeling of being robbed of the truth. That they feel forced to accept something, not that they wouldn't or couldn't, but the lack of choice they were given. And the trust issue is a super biggie here. WE worry so much about how fem we are, how much to dress, or show of ourselves in the CD realm. Not that that isn't an issue, but the trust issues seem to be at the very top, if not of greater importance to our partners, definitely it equals it for so many. This is something I have sometimes failed to take into account. And that is an area in which they may feel the selfishness issue. WE are only thinking of how much, how often, who should know, where to go. Yes, all that IS important, but not MORE important than the trust they need to feel from us before taking on all of those other issues.

[Abby710]

So...

We booked to see a therapist/counsellor near to us and that was all that was said until last night when my SO asked out of the blue whether we actually needed to see the lady at all as she was not up for sharing all this with a stranger.

Also she now feels that as long as I keep it out of sight and never mention it in conversation again she can tolerate it, a kind of DADT I suppose. She believes that if it is a part of me then it's not going anywhere so she'll have to put up with it as long as the above rule is firmly observed.

I feel cautiously good about it as it's taken a hell of a lot of pressure off and made us more open with each other, we desperately needed that it would seem! She's not been that forthcoming with me when she's got something on her mind I've noticed, I made sure I thanked her when she told me this as the more open she is the better, I've learned so much about that lately too. On the subject of learning I've done a fair bit on how women feel and think (though I'll never be an expert!) I had no clue about her not feeling good enough for one, it's about so much more than what I think that's for sure.


So now it's being kept behind closed doors at all times, totally private to me and she gets to not hear or see a thing about it. Sounds good in one way but i still think she'd be better off understanding more about it, she did say one day maybe she will but not now.

My plan is to have any CD stuff delivered away from home because she'll see any parcel as a reminder, and I'll stash it in the loft - she's scared stiff of spiders and believes there's a colony up there and won't ever venture up there. As for dressing it'll only ever be when I know she's away for a long time like a hen party or spa weekend (she likes those) so as to keep the boundaries in place.

Not a perfect solution but a solution, I really feel like I've backed her into a corner but I had to tell her the truth and not go behind her back, as I've said before that'd be a mistake. Some good has come out of it too, I now don't lie to her about anything and I mean anything, I just can't and in any case there'd be no point and I'm always open and forthcoming about what im feeling. Time will tell how this goes but overall I feel better now that all my cards are on the table.

I'll keep you posted, in the meantime thanks and much love to you all, I feel I know a bit more about this subject now, more than I ever had the balls to try and explore before.
Abby ❤️

[giuseppina]

Licensed therapists are bound by confidentiality clauses in their license to practise, Abby. Disclosure to anyone absent a court order is professional misconduct with serious consequences for the practitioner, at least in the Western world. The only exceptions deal with self-harm or harming others. That's it.

These people have seen everything. They shouldn't be judging their clients in situations like yours.

[Abby710]

Hi guiseppina,

I'm fully aware of therapists rules and no ones judging anyone here, my SO is just very private and doesn't want to air all this even to a qualified and licensed therapist.

Abby