I have to tell my wife next week

[DaniT]

Hello all,

This is my first post here on these forums, I elected to skip the introduction sub forum but I might post there too.

I just have to say, the community here is amazingly supportive, which is why I decided to become a member here rather than the dozens of other places that I could have sought support. You guys are amazing!

I have a long background of cross dressing, I started somewhere around 8 or 9 years old and continued right up until the end of high school. I didn't have internet then and lived in a very rural area. I had no idea how common cross dressers were. When I left high school and moved away from home I left it all behind, including the shame and fear I felt growing up in a small conservative, religious town. To be honest I just quit, didn't think about it, and I didn't worry about it. I know that over the years I remember seeing girls clothing, wanting to put it on and wondering how I would look, but I never did.

Fast forward to this year.

Sixteen years later I am a reasonably successful member of society. I've been married to the love of my life for the last four years and we've been together for nine. This is where it gets weird.

A month ago, during a period of ultra high stress for me, it all came back at once. My wife was gone for two weeks to Europe and somehow I lost my mind. I honestly went from having not dressed in sixteen years to pink landslide in one day. I couldn't even say what started it. I went from owning no female clothes to having a decent wardrobe, silicone breast forms, hip and butt pads, full make up kit, nails, eyebrows, wigs, virtually overnight. Stuff you amazon prime.

I do have some insight as to how this happened. I supervise twenty five specialized heavy equipment operators, this environment is so flooded with testosterone that you nearly slip on it walking to the lunchroom. I work twelve hour days, very often seven days a week. I have to be the absolute alpha male in this environment at all times, if I'm not, many of these guys will attempt to do whatever they please. I love my job and I'm good at it but I'm reasonably sure that my current super high stress schedule is responsible for my state of pink landslide suffocation.

I spent an entire magical week dressed as a woman after work. It took the stress away and left me relaxed and refreshed. I was revitalized and ready to go alpha male everyday at work, even though the week before I had been on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

So... after reading so many threads here and elsewhere, I know that I need to tell my wife next week when she gets home from Saskatchewan. I don't think that it is going to go away for sixteen years again. It turned out that cross dressing was so therapeutic that it allowed me to do my job calmly under maximum stress to the best of my ability.

She is a devout catholic, but also rails against the church for the lack of understanding on LGBTQ issues so it could go either way. She is very enlightened and 5 years younger than me so I am hoping for the best.

Do you think I am doing the right thing by telling her or do you think that this is going to go away again and I will be able to put it back in a box and then bury the box in the back yard?

I don't feel like it's going away this time. I'm not scared of the reality of it, other than my wife's reaction, as this has seriously never every come up in the nine years we've been together.

I have read all the threads about breaking the news to SOs already so I guess I'm not even sure why I'm typing this but what the hell.

Wish me luck?

[GaleWarning]

I reckon you should show her this post. It explains everything so well!
Good luck!

[BrendaPDX]

Dani, I feel your pain... Be strong, there is nothing wrong with you! You are go good person! Thank you for sharing. I wish you nothing but the best; breath deep, and good luck, Brenda

[jennifer0918]

Good luck Dani,I also have a alpha male job and the feeling of dressing for a night is so satisfying and relaxing without no worries of the daily grind. I myself haven't told my wife for a lot of fears but for one I fear the magic will disappear the fun will go away ?for now this is my escape.Good luck best wishes

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Dani, welcome to the forum. Your experiences have many similarities to mine and many others on here. As for telling your wife, you're in the best position to know how she will react. Many on here will regale you with successful stories of coming out but there are others where it didn't go so well. For me, after the initial shock and upset, it went well and my wife accepts this part of me. She still thinks it's weird though, but knows it makes me happy.

It's such a dilemma whether to tell or not, but I didn't want to live a lie for the rest of my life. I also felt that on balance, my wife would at least accept my dressing on a DADT basis - which I felt was better than living the lie and risking being caught. In many cases it seems that wives hate being lied to more than the dressing.

For what it's worth, my perception from reading threads on here, is the best thing is to find a quiet time and tell on your own terms. Be completely honest, answer all her questions and keep lines of communication open but don't overwhelm her with it afterwards. Remember to continue to be the man she fell in love with.

Good luck.

[Teresa]

Danit,
Welcome to the forum it's good to read your first post.

Some time ago I posted a thread saying there's never a right time to come out, I waited twenty years my wife was OK but very soon the DADT wall went up so that was the end of open talking and a return to the closet or as I called it solitary confinement . At the time we had kids at school and my business to run and being a self employed photographer was also very stressful at times.
Unlike you I had no ebb and flow it was continuous .
Stress may have been the trigger for your CDing resurfacing but you did jump in at the deep end , so maybe try and cut back until you've managed to talk to your wife, you may end up purging through feelings of guilt depending how she takes it. Also I feel you should try and think it through and write down how you feel and what you feel you may want from CDing in the future. It's better to do this because your wife may appreciate your concern and the need to write it down to explain it to her.

Once said there's no going back, it will change things between the two of you, so be ready to negotiate boundaries she is going to see you as a totally different person .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Welcome Dani.

My instant reaction is that you need to change your job, perhaps by applying for promotion. Stress is a killer. Stress has brought you to a place where you're seriously contemplating outing yourself and possibly jeopardising your marriage. It's stress that's your problem, not crossdressing.

I'll leave it to others to advise you on how to tell your wife, but I'd make sure she understands that the stress you're under is what is driving the dressing.

The very best of luck to you whatever you decide.

[mykell]

hi dani, i would like to offer this,
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...l-your-partner
and
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...light=military

welcome to the group....good luck if you have that discussion....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Dani, Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home !

That is wonderful that you want to come clean with your wife, wish you all the best.

Be sure to see line #4 in my Signature******

[Tracii G]

Welcome Dani.
I was a commercial truck driver for over 40 years and ran heavy equipment as well so I know the types you work with.
Keep us updated on how the talk with your wife goes.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

It sounds like you know your answer. Burying it in the backyard isn't healthy. Just don't expect to be able to dress everyday after work the day after you tell her. You'll have to ease into it.

[bridget thronton]

You know your wife best. There came a point in time when I felt I had to tell mine (the same with my adult children). Thank goodness they accepted me (my wife and daughter shop with me dressed my so is more dadt). You do have an advantage - the dressing just happened so you have not been hiding it from her during your years of marriage.

[Lori Kurtz]

Welcome to the forum, Dani. You've come to a good place, and it sounds like you're headed in the right direction. Best of luck, and please keep us posted.

[Jenniferathome]

In my signature is how I came out to my wife. The truth is better than hiding and telling her on your terms is better than being found out.

Tell her all of it, tell it once, and keep it as brief as you can, then let her ask questions.

Good luck

[CarlaWestin]

Hey there, Dani. We are so damn similar it's almost spooky. I am in control of a testosterone laden environment of men, tools and machinery. And assholes. And juiced in pieces of detritus. And in my Carla time I'm everything from big titty girl to pink sissy. I just think I enjoy an ultimate enlightenment that few can achieve. There's nothing wrong with having a special life to compliment your daily mundane life.

[WandaRae2009]

All I can tell you from my experience that coming clean regardless of the consequences is important. The longer you keep the secret, the greater the feeling of dishonesty and betrayal may be on her part. I know when we go married the internet didn't exist yet, I didn't know much about crossdressing. As many here likely thought, that once we got married the urges would go away. Well the urges didn't go away, just got stronger over the years. After 25 years she found some panty hose of mine, and it totally blew up. Fortunately, with counseling our marriage survived. The crossdressing is still an issue but now she knows it is not going away. We still have issues regarding CDing but are working it through.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with Gale. You did not mention if you and your wife have kids. If you do decide to have "the talk" with your wife, do it before children arrive. If your wearing women clothing and emulating a woman is a total non starter with her, it is easier to go separate way when there are no children involved.

I've always found wearing women's clothing to be a stress reliever. Before my retirement I worked for a government agency. My contact with the public was always adversarial. From above management always had goals that created deadlines. I have always said wearing women's clothing was a lot less destructive than using illicit drugs, alcohol or chasing women. I believe many men and women have some predisposition or attraction to being the opposite sex, and, they act out in a manner that does relieve stress.

[Angie G]

This is so much what many of us feel when we putt on a dress or skirt. I felt it this morning. It's been to hot to dress today not so bad sliped on a dress and oh wowthe pink fog rolled in. Can;t say if you should tell your wife but I do know thatthe dressing will not go away.I told my wife 10 years ago best thing I ever did.
Angie

[Robin777]

I am wishing you the best of luck. I told my wife before we were married that I was a crossdresser. That was 37 years ago. When we got married I started it up very slowly. She was not too happy with it at first,but she realized it was my way of dealing with stress and found out how my attitude changed when I dressed. Like others have said tell her what you wrote in your post. Now there is plenty of information about what we do at your fingertips with the internet. When I broke it to my soon to be wife there was none. Now 37 years later, it is no big deal.

Since your wife supports The LGBT community, I am hoping you won't have any problems. Keeping my fingers crossed.

[DaniT]

Thank you all for the support. It's truely and greatly appreciated.

To answer one of the questions, we don't have any children nor are we likely to have any in the future. Both of us have fertility issues (go figure) so the chances of us having kids outside of adoption (which we are hesitant about) are incredibly small.

Making peace with myself about cross dressing has already done wonders for my mental health. That would not have been possible for me without the people and information that I've found here.

I hope I can update you all in the coming weeks with good news. Either way I am finally able to move on from something that was my largest source of shame and fear.

Thank you,
Dani

[5150 Girl]

What if the wife's absence is the trigger? When she returns home, things may return to the status quo.

[Lorileah]

Hello all,

This is my first post here on these forums, I elected to skip the introduction sub forum but I might post there too.

If you ever want to join the private sections of the forum, most expect an intro in the intro thread

[DaniT]

I will deffinately do the intro thread in the next day or two.

I don't think my wife's physical absence a was my trigger as we both have jobs that require frequent travel. I've had thousands of opportunities but this has been the first time that I've fallen in the deep end.

[Di]

GG here
Make sure you start out telling her you did it in high school and not since so it never occurred for you to say anything because you thought it was gone.
I am sure reading here you will see that is common and also common it comes back.
And basically just part of you.
Answer everything honestly
Best Wishes

Also there is a private Fab forum if she wants to talk to other GGs

[Jilmac]

Hi DaniT and welcome to the forum. Just to put your whole scenario in perspective, the pink fog never goes away so don't worry about burying everything in the yard for another 16 years. If your wife has issues with her church's understanding of LGBTQ, then perhaps she would be more inclined to work with you in facing your pink fog, head on. I think telling her the same thing you wrote in your thread would be an appropriate way to break the ice.