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Thread: I have to tell my wife next week

  1. #26
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    Hi and welcome. The timing seems right- it was something in your past, you didn't feel the need to tell her as you thought it was left behind, the feelings have returned, and now you're sharing it with her in a timely fashion. the longer you wait, and if (probably when) you dress again, the more likely she may conclude you've been hiding something.

    easy for me to write though with an accepting wife

  2. #27
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    You are welcome to read my thread about coming out, although it doesn't have a happy ending. The reason I suggest you read it is that one of the questions my (now ex) wife asked was "are you going to transition?" You are likely to get asked this too. And the thing is, your situation reminds me of my own - I hadn't CDed in over a decade, but when it came back, it came back with a vengeance. I wanted to tell her, and did tell her, that I didn't want to transition. But my gender dysphoria made it impossible for me to not transition. Everyone is focused on the pink fog - ignore that. Seriously - it's meaningless. I'd encourage you to look at the negative feelings when you aren't presenting as a woman. It's easy to blame these stresses on work, and to be sure, our live's stresses decrease our ability to cope with GD. But I'd encourage you to read my threads, and see if any of the feelings I describe resonate with you. They are horrible, negative feelings. If you can relate to the stuff I wrote, I'd suggest holding off on telling your wife until you can talk with a gender therapist for a bit. Because it's very possible you need to transition.

    I hesitate to say all that, but there are parallels between what I experienced, and what you seem to be experiencing that really worry me. I attempted suicide. I don't want that for you. So read what I wrote, please, I implore you (My thread is called "out", although many of the others in that same period will give you a great sense of my mindset at the time), and look honestly at your feelings. And if what I write is at all relatable to you, get professional help from a therapist who specializes in gender identity, and do it fast.

    I say this not because I think transition is super neat and awesome - it's neither of those things. It did, however, save my life, and if it's what you need to do, it may well save yours too.

    It's possible that others will read this, and try to minimize what I'm saying, tell you I'm exaggerating, that I don't know what I'm talking about, etc. I was told the same thing by some folks here - that I was just trapped in the pink fog. Yeah, a pink fog that lead me to try to drive into a bridge abutment at 160 MPH.

    I'm all for telling your wife. Coming out is good for the soul. However, she's going to want to know if the future includes you as a woman, and I suspect that even if your feelings aren't as severe as mine were, that you probably don't know how deep this goes for you at this point. Or maybe you do - but simply want to try to continue to avoid the inevitable.

    Give yourself some time to know yourself and have more confidence that the promise you'll make "I'll never transition! I LOOOOVE being a dude!" is one you can actually keep. I wanted to make that promise too. But I couldn't keep it.

    BTW, PM me if you want my facebook or other information. I am one of the most visible and readily verifiable as real transgender people on this forum. I am an activist in the trans community now, and I am as serious as a heart attack about everything I am saying to you. And I'm really sorry to be saying it. Read my threads, or talk to someone who's a pro, or better yet, do both. And hey, if I'm wrong, you wasted a little time and money. But hon, I very nearly did not survive this.

  3. #28
    Junior Member Charlyne's Avatar
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    Dani, Show her your post and let her read all the comments.

  4. #29
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    My wife was in Wisconsin for three Month and I wore her Bra it felt so good and natural, I wore more of her clothing, she is a devoted religious woman and I was a bit nervous but I did told her about my love to wear Women's clothing, she is very accepting. When I met her a long time ago I did told her to leave a piece of her intimate wear, which she did. I usually don't let her see me dressed up, now I let her see me sometimes, yesterday she was with me in a store and she bought me two pantyhose, It's all good.
    Live Today as if it is your last day

  5. #30
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    Dani,
    You need to understand the source of the stress you are feeling. Suppressing the need to cross dress is very stressful and may well be contributing to your current state. There are some excellent replies to your post and a lot of good advice. You need to tell your wife and tell her everything. Yes it will be hard but hiding is going to be much harder for you over the months and years ahead.

    Don't feel guilt. This is not something unnatural and you should not feel badly about yourself. It is you and you are being honest and open. Your post says it very well.Best wishes to you both. If it is available please find a good counseling service with the emphasis on good, competent and knowledgeable. It will really help the process of discovery.

  6. #31
    Gold Member Dana44's Avatar
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    There is a lot of good information here. Good luck Dani. Welcome to the forum.
    Part Time Girl

  7. #32
    Member DaniT's Avatar
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    Just an update for those that were concerned about me. I have an appointment with a therapist next week. I still plan on coming out to the wife before then. I am not at all sure where I am on the whole gender spectrum that I am only just learning about.

    Do you guys think that I am jumping the gun by telling her before I see the therapist? I want to tell her as much as I can but will I be better served by waiting? I have never seen a therapist before so I have no idea what to expect and its adding to my stress levels.

    I'm a disaster of indecision at the moment.

    Thanks in advance,

    Dani

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Oops sorry, I missed a post or two.

    @cdterri, I personally am not catholic but my beautiful wife actually works for the catholic church. My status could directly affect her career in ways that I would find offensively discriminatory. I am actually friends with some of the priests from her church, one of whom I play tennis with regularly. I am however; under no illusion that I would be accepted by those people if it were discovered that I were a cross dresser or some kind of non-binary gender variant.

    It's a touchy situation at the moment =/

    Thanks for the suggestion though, they are good people but may or may not be accepting.

    Dani

  8. #33
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charlyne View Post
    Dani, Show her your post and let her read all the comments.
    which actually violates the terms of service here, so...don't
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  9. #34
    Junior Member EffyJaspers's Avatar
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    I have the chats I think will play out with family/friends in my head all the time. With your situation in mind mine would go-ish, "Honey (or whatever you call her), I almost had a nervous breakdown from work the two weeks while you were gone, and it brought back an old habit of mine that melted my stress away, away so much I was revitalized to go to work! This habit started when I was 8/9 until the end of high school and then faded as I moved out of my parent's house, and then came back while you were gone. This old habit was and is part of my personality and I don't know if I am going to wholeheartedly embrace it or if it will come and go again. I'm shaking while writing out this letter that I am going to read out to you right now (this letter isn't even something I personally am dealing with but the act of writing something like this imaginary letter has got my hands shaking a bit!), shaking in the anticipation of how you will react. I have not changed, I love you now and forever, but my past personality trait of a crossdresser resurfaced when I was highly stressed out and it calmed the crap out of me, pure euphoria. Crossdressing is usually simply a STRAIGHT guy dressing in traditionally thought of female clothes, and that is what it is for me. I'm still masculine me too (unless you aren't masculine, but being absolute alpha male seems to say you are), nothing has changed. I love you, and I'm still the same husband you've always known. I repeat, same husband you've always had, but I am showing you an extra part that was tucked away in my unconscious until last week. This is a big personality trait, and so I am sharing it with you right away. I have not been hiding it from you because I Literally haven't thought about it for the past 16 years. At this time the big speech is over, would you like some nachos or have any questions? You can digest both this speech and the nachos before asking so you have some time to wrap your mind around this. I'm going to put nachos on a plate and some craft singles slices on the nachos and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds so we have nachos with cheese to each while you think about this because I am hunkering for nachos right now, with cheese."
    Hope it goes well for you good sir. Feel free to or not to steal parts of my exceptional? speech. My biggest struggle right now is my bangs growing out (with the rest of my hair) so I don't know what kind of pressure you're under.

  10. #35
    Member MichelleDevon's Avatar
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    Indecision - I can never decide whether it's a good thing or a bad thing to procrastinate...!!!!

    Having decided to tell my wife, I waited months for an opportunity and it went down like the proverbial lead balloon. She is very conservative and far from being a "woman of the world". She was, still is, a bit of a control freak and being presented with something which was entirely outside her knowledge set and far beyond her control she tried to deal with it by ignoring it. Ultimately, that was part of what lead me to having two years away from her. We are back together and, having both had counselling (separately and together) we have now come to a compromise that seems to work and Michelle is part of the marriage.

    I applaud you for wanting to tell her - and the sooner the better - but try to choose a good moment and be prepared for it being a bumpy landing! The fact that you have a counselling session lined up will be good, too - and I think you are right to tell her before then. Depending on her reaction you may feel you don't need to go to your therapy session. Mine offered to explore the history and direction of my CDing (we had collectively concentrated on getting my wife and me back together) but I declined the offer. My own view was (still is) that I am not gender dysphoric and have no desire to transition; how was it going to help me to know where it had all come from? I am happy being a mixture of Stephen and Michelle - now it is out in the open I no longer have the feelings of guilt and shame that accompanied every action in the past, I just enjoy being both.

    Good luck, Dani

    Michelle
    xxx

  11. #36
    Member DaniT's Avatar
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    Ok.

    After I made my last post last night, I finished the laundry and went to bed. My wife was waiting up for me, as we had a minor fight earlier in the night.

    I had a couple of drinks while I watched the Sopranos and did laundry, and I guess it gave me the courage to get it all off my chest.

    I cried a lot while I talked and she asked questions, especially at the start. When it became apparent that she wasn't going to kick me out of the bedroom things got a lot easier. Then when it became apparent that she knew and understood the situation a heck of a lot better than I did, it was a breeze.

    I should have guessed that she would have some knowledge on the subject as she works with youth on a daily basis.

    Anyways, she was caring, accepting and kind in a way that absolutely blew me away. She has always been the most intuitive and compassionate person I know, but to receive complete acceptance from her was so incredibly humbling. She even asked me about using my feminine name and different pronouns.

    To me it seemed like she knew all along, even though she insists that she didn't. She is also happy that I am going to see a therapist next week and said that she was proud that I decided to do that on my own. She is probably going to join the forum and join the GG section, as I told her that it would be good for her to have a support community as well.

    I told her that we will take it slow, and do everything at her speed. She insisted that it was no big deal, and that she would like to see my collection of clothes.

    It took until three thirty in the morning but we got everything out in the open. We talked about a bunch of different things and eventually fell asleep. It's like having a million pounds off my chest.

    She decided that we are going shopping after she's done work today and I think that this is the most excited that I have ever been for her to say that.

    Thank you guys again for all the support I couldn't have done it otherwise!

    Dani

  12. #37
    Member MichelleDevon's Avatar
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    Dani, I could not be more pleased for you - I am so glad you were able to "come clean" and that your wonderful wife was so understanding about it. The sense of relief once you have been able to be honest about it is just so brilliant - it's like someone lifted a great weight of you.

    So now you have a whole new world to explore with her. Every day is a step at a time but I feel sure yesterday doesn't feel remotely like a step - more like jumping off a cliff and finding an unexpectedly soft landing. Enjoy your girlie time and your guy time with her.

    Michelle
    xx

  13. #38
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Wow, Dana, that's got to be one if the most positive reveals you could possibly hope for. Lucky you. I'm really pleased for you.

    Enjoy your new found honesty in your relationship, but I suspect it will be best to not overwhelm her with it all. Of course, you know your wife better than anyone on this site (except her if she joins - lol) but I suspect she may have days when she's not so positive and you'll have to keep reassuring her.
    A girl can never have too many dresses

  14. #39
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    hi dani,
    congratz, sounds like everything will work out for you and the tough part is over, telling was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.
    look forward to reading her first post if she ever joins....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  15. #40
    Member Shayna's Avatar
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    Sounds like a wonderful outcome. Remember to take it slow, as this is all new to her and she will need some time to adjust to the reality.

  16. #41
    I am me! TrishaTX's Avatar
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    great story and I am happy it had a great ending ( or midpoint)...lol You say she seemed to know ti all along, but maybe you were attracted to her from begging knowing she is this type of person. I know I did the same thing with my wife.
    No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.

  17. #42
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    dani
    thats great it went well.
    i suggest you let it sink in and not push it, and see how she does with the news.
    and if she does accept it go slow and enjoy life.

  18. #43
    Member DaniT's Avatar
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    OMG, today was wonderful.

    We went out to the mall and she bought a few things for me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. She got me a beautiful new casual dress, a knit cardigan, two nighties and the most comfy pair of girly sweat pants ever.

    When we got home I tried on all my dresses for her and she complemented me on how pretty they were. She signed up for the forum and has read this thread.

    She commented about how supportive you all were.

    Thank you again!

    Dani

  19. #44
    Member MichelleDevon's Avatar
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    Hello Mrs Dani...I'm sure you haven't signed up as Mrs Dani but without knowing more I shall call you that for now and hope you understand. Can I take this opportunity to say how pleased I am for Dani that you have been so supportive. I know from personal experience how incredibly hard it is to "come clean", especially to your wife/partner. The guilt of having hidden part of oneself is really hard to bear and equally from the partner's perspective it is understandable that you might feel let down, angry, hurt that your partner has kept something secret from you. But it isn't something any of us has felt we could talk about - I think everyone here will have gone through the mire of guilt and shame, the thinking "it's only me, I'm not normal". The internet, and sites like this, have been of enormous benefit to us all helping many of us to be open about something which we had been ashamed to talk about to the rest of the world. Some are very lucky to have a partner who is supportive and is happy to accept their crossdresser spouse for who he/she is, some struggle with partners who are openly rejective and hostile, others, like me, have a partner who tolerates our foible.

    I know how much your acceptance will mean to Dani and I wish both of you real fun and happiness from sharing this new (to you) aspect of who Dani is.

    Welcome to our Girlie club

    Michelle
    xxx
    Last edited by Lorileah; 08-25-2016 at 12:47 PM. Reason: no need to quote post above yours

  20. #45
    Senior Member Lori Kurtz's Avatar
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    Often it's just an empty cliché to say "love conquers all." But you and your wife seem to be bringing reality to those words. Congratulations!

  21. #46
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    Good luck Hon.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  22. #47
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    Dani,
    I am so pleased for you both. I hope that everything in your lives goes well.

  23. #48
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    What a great result! Good luck moving forward.

    I remember the first time shopping for clothes with my wife. It was quite some time after I told her and started wearing ladies' things around her. Still, it was wonderful.

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