Ok so here is my question and im sorry if this is in the wrong form. So im a 30 year old male if i must be called that and for as long as i can remember i have always wanted to be a women i would dress up in my mothers clothing at starting age 4 to about age 7. Then i stopped for a bit but i was always thinking about it.. I would wrap my self up in my blanket like i was in a cocoon hoping that if i stayed in there long enough i would turn in to a girl.well let me tell you that does not work. SO through my teens i found my self wanting to take my friends sister panties i hate to say it i did it twice... Plus i was starting to find my self wanting to be a girl more and more and paying attention to there clothing more and more not under standing why it looked more natural to me. So now im 16 and i have a gf and things are going good not thinking about it as much but its still there so now im on gf number 4 and im 22 years old.. All of a sudden that wave hits me again hard and im with this girl and i get the urge to dress but im not turned on when i dress even tho im a horny person all the time i try not to link it to that.. So now were going out i find my self going through her clothing trying it on and feeling like this is me.. She would ask me if she could paint my toe nails all the time id let her but i would put up this huge fight but i'd want her to do it so bad.. She tried to get me to wear makeup all the time i wanted to so bad but i would not let her thinking if i did it was over between us.. so things went south not because of that but other stuff. So now i am 30 years old and i have been single for 5 years and im not looking for a partner due to being unhappy with this gender. i dont think i am a cross-dresser its not something i want to do part time or on the weekends i would love to be a women but so things are holding me back for taking the first step and thats my family they dont get it i know them and the othere one is i dont have my own place.. So i dont think this is a fetish nor me being a cross dresser this is something i want to do and i dont enjoy being in this male body. this thought is always going on in my head like a loop and its at the point where im dressing every chance i get when no one is around. SO i can go on and on but i dont want this to be to long and ill try to end it quick.. my question is what am i i like women and i dont see my self as a man and dont want to be with one what am i boy girl i want to be one all the time im not happy but when i let me be me im happy and its been a long time since i felt that..
sorry and thanks for your time what am i ?