When Did you Know You Were TS?

[johnna]

Hi!

I am just curious about when you felt you knew you were TS?

Thank you!!

[MissDanielle]

when did I know? 8th grade. When did I come to terms? Last November.

[johnna]

Thank you Danielle, that is good to know!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i didnt know until i read this article..

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

I was in my mid 40's...

i knew i 'crossdressed'..and did it since i was a little kid...
but the depth of my feelings were not available to my conscious mind... i desperately wanted to be a woman...wished it...fantasized ..etc... but it all felt unreal...it felt confusing and most of all it felt just WRONG and i couldnt ever come to terms with it...i spent many many years in very deep denial... i would add that during those years my secretive dressing and behavior around it was getting more and more and by the time i read this article my wife was planning to leave me because i was growing distant from her.. she had no idea about all this..i thought being a good husband and dad was how to get out of the problem... unfortuntely i didnt know what the problem really was..
i was losing the ability to function and my depression exploded..i was so depressed i stopped eating...i stopped caring...hit the weed hard...
she had no idea about all this..i thought being a good husband and dad was how to get out of the problem... unfortuntely i didnt know what the problem really was..

until i read that article and found out literally for the first time in my life that i was not the only person going through this...it was gender dysphoria...it was very bad...

i thought transsexuals were entertainers, drag artists that took it "all the way"... i felt so much shame and guilt i was strangely comforted by this lie i told myself...

only in hindsight can i look back and say i know what i was feeling and doing... at the time, it felt like autopilot...i was a great autopilot but the plane ran out of gas... and as it started falling thats when i got serious about learning
...thats when i got serious about all the idiotic coping thoughts and secret plans in my mind... thats when i read that article and realized i needed help and i got help..

[KymberlyOct]

i didnt know until i read this article..

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Johnna, When I came out to my brother recently I told him the story of when I was 5 years old I did a pretend sex change on him in the back of the family car. (He said he was glad it was pretend lol) By 10 yrs old
I was wearing my Mom's clothes. By 12 and the onset of self gratification I did it while wishing I was a girl. So it sort of evolved.


Kaitlyn, I read the article. It was stuff that I had realized long, long ago but it did answer one question for me. My therapist was convinced very early on that I was TS. I didn't have to sell her on it. I just told her about myself and some stories of things that happened. I couldn't figure out why she believed so fast I am TS and why she believed my cross gender sexual arousal meant pretty much nothing that it was nothing more than a coping mechanism and that I am truly TS. After reading that article I now understand why she so readily believed I am TS.

[Georgette_USA]

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Can't say I ever saw that article before. Found it interesting. Also her other articles.
Especially the one of the Post-Op + 5. I had some of those realizations at the + 5-10 year marks, and still do. My partner and I were definitely in the Stealth mode.
Interesting that they were from 1978 and onward, and of 25-30 year periods. I came from before that, where no-one I knew saw any Gender Therapists, just some Psychiatrists.

[Starling]

I didn't really know until after I came here in 2009. I had always dreamed of being a woman, but I thought wearing women's clothes like I did as often as I could meant I was a sexual pervert, and it made me sick to think of it. The idea that I could actually be a woman seemed impossible to me, just a delusion. I wrote some very embarrassing forum posts early on, which unfurled my ignorance for everyone to see.

My first lesson was that there was nothing immoral or disgusting per se about wanting to wear women's clothes, which gave me some comfort; but I soon realized that I was not going to get off the hook so easily. Instead, I found myself as a woman, and have been struggling ever since to free myself. It's been a rough road, emotionally and physically, as I hit it way too deep into my life.

Lallie

[Marcelle]

To be honest, I think deep down I always knew but was so deep in denial I managed to beat this into submission. Now the mind is a funny thing in that you can repress all you want but eventually it (the angst) will bleed out in different ways.

I always knew there was something and let's just say my father was a bit old school (spare the rod spoil the child) so any inclination to play dress up or play stereotypical girl with my sisters or female cousins resulted in the rod reinforced with good old stereotypical male things (hunting, sports, boxing, fishing and outdoor labour). By the time I was 12 my father passed away but the damage was done and I began hating myself and loathing any impulses related to wanting to be a girl because he was not there to hate me. As I grew up I continued engaging in all things male but still knew there was something. I joined the military at 17 and continued to be as "dude" as I could but there was something always in the back of mind. I married fathered a child . . . still something there, divorced and re-married . . . still something there. I thought the chaos of combat would quell it . . . no. Eventually my mind became so chaotic that all I could do was become bitter, mean and depressed reaching my lowest darkest point in 2013 when things imploded. At that point I clawed my way out and went through the whole "I am truly just a dude who likes to dress like a woman but still all dude" moved on to "two genders sharing the same body" until I realized that I am and always have been TS.

So when did I know? Probably my entire life. When did I finally accept who I was? Last year.

Cheers

Marcelle

[I Am Paula]

It's not as easy to answer as one thinks. Here goes.
I was more feminine than a nipple as a youngster. Played dressup in girls clothing etc.
As a teen I was brainwashed by conventional logic, and figured I must be gay. Why else wear women's clothing? Teenage years being most peoples most sexually active, I was one busy guy. None of my friends cared.
I decided to cave to being normal, and began marrying women. I don't know why, it seems the right thing to do. None of my marriages lasted, because I wanted to be the woman in the relationship. At first they found me comforting, in my meekness. No macho crap. Then they figured out the truth, and that I was far too feminine for them.
I went thru' a 'try to be macho' phase. I wore jeans, and itchy scratchy work shirts, and carried an axe everywhere I went. I almost pulled it off, except in bars, during hockey game breaks, I would ask the bar tender to switch over to 'Say yes to the dress'.
I tried an androgenous phase, to see if that would quiet the demons of ever increasing dysphoria. Women's sneakers, jeans, t-shirt, purse, and light makeup. I figured no one would notice. In hindsight, I'm sure everybody did.
I turned 53. Yup, that takes a hell of a lot of denial to wait 53 years!!! I realized I was still playing the part of a guy, and really failing miserably. I had not noticed that I was getting closer, and closer to stepping out onto the ledge. Everything about my dysphoria, and life in general was crashing down, and getting up each day became torture. I was presenting fully female most of the time, but not out to my parents.
On the day of my 54th. birthday, with my family showering me with GUY presents, and saying what a great GUY I was, something snapped. During a dog walk with my sister, I had a messy breakdown on a nieghbors lawn. (must have been quite a sight). My sister, her cockapoo, and I sat there, and everything came out. Somehow thru' the tears, I told the first person in my life all my gender struggles.
My sister and I had never been close. We saw each other thanksgiving, and Christmas, but I hung out with my brother, part of the facade. Now, we are the best friends in the world, and we do everything together...sisters.
During my little breakdown my sister asked if I knew what was involved with changing my sex. Of course I did, I had been researching it for 30 years! She asked why I didn't just do it. That's crazy talk, I can't just up and change my sex!! Then she said the most important thing anybody has EVER asked me-
Why not?
I decided that day, then and there, on a strangers lawn, to get the ball rolling.
I have been the all new me for almost four years now. I'm not under construction, I'm not transitioning. I'm done. I'm Paula. The government agrees I'm Paula, and my old life is becoming a memory. This is one happy girl.

[MonicaJean]

I knew I was different at age 4, but didn't know what it was.

By the time puberty fully kicked in somewhere around the age of 11 or 12, I was CD'ing often in absolute secret.

I signed on to this site in 2010, took me to the end of 2013 to realize I was TS. Age 43.

Lastly, that link that Kaitlyn shared was very important in understanding who I was. What hit me between the eyes initially was the anxiety based self-sexual release. I couldn't deny that fact when I read it.

[Emma Beth]

I wish I could honestly say that I knew when I was a lot younger, around 7 or 8.

But, I can't.

I knew that there was something wrong with me. Even to the point of telling my Parents and Dr.s that I felt like I had some kind of birth defect. Then all of them telling me that nothing is wrong with me and to "Suck it up"; as it were.

Then I can say that I went through the cross dressing in secret phases, the "Fantasizing" phases, and so on. The entire time not being able to connect any of it.

Then suppressing all of it, and "forgetting about it" so to speak. Even though it remained at the back of my mind.

That is, until about three years ago when I came on here, originally to do research for just Cross Dressing for a writing project.

When researching for that project, I got curious and started looking around. As I read the stories; something in my head slammed into place, the walls I had built crumbled away, and everything finally connected for me.

So I guess that you could say that I knew around the age of 42.

LOL. So that was my question! Sorry, just had a really bad Douglas Adams moment there.

I hope I helped.

[NewBrendaLee]

When puberty started for me .I was wishing that my body would change , also I wanted to continually dress as a girl .I remember before that wanting to look at girls toys in stores and when I would people would make rude comments. I would say it really started about age 11

[Mirya]

For the longest time I thought I was a closeted crossdresser. I never participated in or even viewed any internet forums or message boards.

It wasn't until a year ago, when I went out into the real-world TG community for the first time, that things changed for me. For some reason I just felt a need to connect with real TG people. So I went to a TON of different meetings, bars, clubs, dinners, and other events in the Chicago metro area (lots of opportunities in Chicago, lol). I met many people from all across the TG spectrum. I made many friends. We had fun together, but I also had some serious talks with many of them. I realized after a while that I really didn't see myself as a CD anymore - but I wasn't sure that I was TS. I thought maybe I could be non-binary in some way. Maybe genderfluid? I just didn't know for sure.

But I had to figure it out!! So I read countless online articles (the one by Anne Vitale that Kaitlyn linked was especially helpful). I watched all sorts of YouTube videos. I read a bunch of books. I started a daily journal to sort out my thoughts. And I started seeing a gender therapist. All in an attempt to figure out exactly who/what I was. Eventually, I just came to the conclusion that I had to be a TS based on everything I had read and experienced. It just seemed like a logical conclusion. I really wanted to feel some sort of emotional connection to figuring it out, but I didn't. It certainly wasn't an "ah-ha!" moment, though I was hoping for something like that. It was more of a reluctant "I guess I am... /shrug".

Now, looking back at my experiences over the past year, and really throughout my entire life, it seems soooo obvious to me that I was always a TS. I suppose I was in denial for so long and simply refused to see it. Most of my TS friends say that "they knew all along" that I was a TS, often from the moment they met me. But they didn't want to tell me that until I reached that conclusion on my own.

I have been living full-time for several months now. I'm 7 months on HRT, completed my name and gender marker change, and am scheduled for additional FFS in 3 weeks. My mom and my sister accept me for who I am. In fact it seems we spend even more time together lately than we did before! I am finally at peace with who I am - and it is a great feeling.

[johnna]

Thanks for all the great posts. They are very helpful!

[Kris Avery]

For me, it was a thing I always knew - but didn't consciously realize.

Ok I was female - well, or I was a space alien..honestly both were equally plausible....hell, when you are adopted anything is possible. I started my life on Earth as an outcast.

I certainly didn't know what it meant for my first 45 years. What a long list of crap this could alternately be - rather than transgender woman who is - also a lesbian. The lesbian part was the deal killer for me for over 40 years.

Good thing my lovely wife figured this all out for me and sat my ass down and told me what I was.

The best part is that she still loves me to this day. Perhaps even more.
A few of you have even met her when I was in SFO last month.

She is the best part of my world and keeps me between the ditches.

Kris

[Jmichelle60]

After talking with my counselor for a few sessions. Some of the questions she asked made me really think deep. When the light finally came on, I realized what she knew after our first session.

[Leanne2]

I knew that I wanted to be a girl when I was 3 or 4 years old. I realized that I am a woman in 2008 after completing gender counseling........Leanne

[Nikki.]

Kaitlyn, thanks for posting that link. I've read a bunch of dr. vitale's stuff, but I've never seen that one. very insightful.

[tgirlamc]

Excellent article Kaitlyn!... Thanks for posting that! We should have " Group 3 and Proud" tee shirts printed!...I just printed it up for my aunt... She is so cute... Every Trans related article in the LA Times gets cut out and mailed to me in a big Manila envelope every month

A

[Nikki.]

a group 3 shirt would be funny...make it sound like some kinda top secret government research project ala X-Files or Fringe

[GBJoker]

Some where in my teen years is when I knew. Sadly, I don't really remember much of myself from before '08 though, so can't give a more specific answer.

[Pat]

i didnt know until i read this article..

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Wow. What a great paper. Thanks so much for the pointer!

[Suzanne F]

Yes I agree that Ann Vitale is brilliant. I read that paper early on also. I then discovered that she lives and works 20 minutes from my house. I called to schedule a therapy secession with her for me and my wife. The purpose was to work through our differences early on in my journey. I was presenting as female in limited circumstances. We met her at her office and I was hopeful. About 10 minutes into the session Ms. Vitale informed my wife that I would in fact transition, have SRS and want to sleep with men. Wow my wife freaked out. That was the end of the session. Now I can tell you that she was certainly accurate. However, she may have wanted to ease into that assessment since we had only been there a few minutes. She could have developed some trust before being so blunt. In her defense she may believe that life is too short to pull any punches. I may go back and discuss how things turned out some day. It might be interesting. I just wanted to share my experience with you!

[Starling]

My wife doesn't want to consult a gender counselor with me--especially one who has transitioned herself--because she assumes they will be biased in favor of transition. But that's what I call shock treatment, Suzanne.

Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

GROUP3GIRL

Kinda cool.. i think we can make them up on ETSY

WHen i read that article i was sitting right here where i am now... it destroyed me...but at the same time, for the first time literally ever i was reading about "me".... i couldnt beleive it..it was one of the few truly transcendant moments in my life..it was an amazing feeling to feel "understood"

but i was pretty distraught i knew what i meant i was going to do..

my kind of fatalistic view is if you are transsexual you suffer more and more until you transition.... although for some of us the suffering just never comes the way it did for me... ive met alot of 60 and 70 yr old transitioners though , and i wouldnt take anything for granted..

so it always makes sense to live day by day as best you can, to express your gender and test your boundries, and learn your own coping mind so you can figure the difference between constructive thoughts and bad coping thoughts.

you have to be open to everything or your GD will go right there, move in and tear you up... you cant make promises as GD loves to break promises...
and you cant judge others because you are basically just trying to judge yourself as better...