Anxious about being parent and being tg/cd

[Savannah_Skye]

My supportive wife and I (a mtf who is somewhere on the tg spectrum) have recently been havingserioud discussions about children as we have none now. Being 28 with mild to occasionally moderate gender dysphoria, but not going to transition, this notion of being a parent has always scared me. Will I be a decent parent? What if kids find out? I think you get the point. Mentally, emotionally, and physically (love to bike ride and hike!), I believe I am in a good spot now as I have overcome most of the shame, guilt, denial, and so forth. So beleive it would probably be ok to proceed in the future, I was wondering if anyone had any feedback, guidance, advice, unique challenges, or, knowing some of the people here, any smart remarks on being a parent. Anything would be helpful as I am pretty (pun not originally intended) anxious

I was so excited to find a post that covered telling kids which was very helpful! I am so relieved to see such a well-discuss post and I am much to think about. Maybe there is another post I missed?
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...light=children

Also, my wife and I were thinking of finally joining a support group here in Indy. I am a little nervous but hopefully expanding our support network will help as well.

[Rogina B]

My 14 yr old daughter has been out everywhere with me since age 5...just to tell you where I am coming from. If your wife is good with it,you are in a good place. So,get over your shame and guilt and denial issues and live your life !

[bridget thronton]

Your kids will love and accept you no matter what - if they perceive that you love them unconditionally

[Amy Fakley]

Get to the bottom of your gender issues before you have children, is the only advice I can give.

I didn't, and as a result, I find myself in a place with significantly fewer options to deal with those gender issues than I would like. One of my children knows, and that hasn't been that big of a deal to be honest (so far, anyhow). I think as long as you love them, and show it, and do right by them, you'll be fine on that front, but like I said ...

Raising a kid is a lifelong commitment, I guess is what I'm saying. Today, you find yourself at a point of view with this, where having children doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Be as sure as you can, that this point of view will remain stable for at least the next 20 years, before you pull the trigger.

Nothing in life is certain, of course. But you can at least go into it being as sure as you can be, because there literally is no going back. If I had it to do all over again, I'm not saying I wouldn't have had children, but I would definitely have talked to a therapist first ... And I probably would have waited until I worked through a few things before I did.

[Teresa]

Savannah,
The big difference is your wife knows about your CDing, my wife didn't, so we just went ahead and had kids. My personal feelings are they don't need to know until they can deal with it and to me that is as an adult. Kids need your support not your problems they will have enough of their own when growing up. If a child knows they are bound to say something, they will have to live with the repercussions of that and so will you. You can't chastise a child for saying something about an issue they won't fully understand until they're adults .

Like many of us you may have to keep your dressing away from children, I know some will have a different view I'm talking from a DADT situation, I admit I had to let it all out in the end but my children still didn't know until recently, they are great about it now. I still look back and feel I made the right decision with them, you can't let CDing stop you having a family, I never regret a single moment and now I have grandchildren to enjoy and drive me mad on occasions .

[Tracii G]

I raised two daughters on my own and it was a fabulous experience.
If you blend your dressing early on in their lives it will be a normal thing to them.
Its up to you to teach them tolerance.
If I were young again I would home school my kids but thats a discussion for another thread perhaps.

[Savannah_Skye]

Thanks everyone!!!! I appreiate the feedback and do feel better though. Was also glad to hear stories of others being very successful whether they shared it with children or not. My wife is ready for the committment and I do not want to disappoint her but I keep postponing parenthood because of this.

[docrobbysherry]

U don't mention your wife's age, Savannah. Her's is more relevant than yours. I had a PLANNED daughter over age 50.

I strongly advise u to have children when U r ready and not before. Can u financially care for a larger family now? Also, I would bounce your "should I have children" questions off your gender therapist.

The problem with young folks that run off and get married and pop out clones before they r ready is if everything isn't perfect before hand, children don't usually make those issues better. Quite the opposite!

Being young means u don't have all the answers. Neither do us seasoned citizens. But, we DO know the correct QUESTIONS to ask. If u haven't a whole list of them written down, I suggest u have your SO and therapist help u complete one ASAP!

[Savannah_Skye]

Hi Sherry and thanks for the comments!! My wife is nearly the exact same age but clearly ready for the committent. Financially, yes also ready even my reviewing the latest state cost of child-raising I am usually too prepared for anything on the money front. Afterall, I starting saving money for transition since I was 10.

I guess my issue is I have not read too many stories of people who are tg/cd raising kids and was interested to see how others have raised children and been a cd or tg. Not really a question of should I have children, which I could have clarified...oops. It just seems so daunting.I see friends, family raising kids, or even on tv (I know bad example) but gender issues don't really come up. My gender variance is my last hurdle until I'm ready to committ to raising a child.

[EricaCD]

I almost never post here these days, but I'll unlurk for this one...

It sounds like you are emotionally, financially, etc. ready to start a family. Do so!

You will have to deal with issues of if/when/why to come out to your kids. If you are not transitioning, these discussions become harder in one sense (why tell?) but much easier in that you have at least the option of remaining quiet.

Incidentally, I would have worried about my father reading any "don't have kids" posts. He is a non-transitioner trans; maybe I get it from him and maybe not. (I came out to him first.) But he was the best dad I could ever have hoped for!!!

Sounds like you're in the right place.....

Erica

[K8astrophe]

Edit...Missed your most recent post Savannah, just skip to the last paragraph...

Was 28 when we had our first. Always been out to my wife and my kids. You sound a lot like I was at 28. Confidently transgendered, but convinced transitioning was not going to be a consideration. I wasn't ready for children, but I'm not sure you ever are "ready". At the time, it was always... "someday but not today". Three things convinced me...
1. If I had asked myself at any other point in my life if I'd have kids by 28, I would have said yes, it's just that once I was actually 28, I still felt 22.
2. I wanted to be relatively young still when both of my kids were out of the house.
3. My wife and I are mutually crazy about each other, and she was two years older, and ready. Lot of faith in the strength of our relationship, even then, so I marched to her beat... so to speak.

I will say, the moment I first held my son in my arms, all of the concerns about what I would be "giving up" became instantly superficial and melted away. I have never for a second looked back with regret from that day onwards. Certainly doesn't happen to everyone though, from a casual reading of the daily news.

Personally, I feel that kids are pretty adaptable, so we both had no question that Kate would be known. Gay parents don't hide being gay from their children and they are all just fine. They're 9 and 12 now, very well-adjusted children, and very liberal and tolerant. (Funny aside, in a strange twist of nature, my daughter is considered a tomboy -- a stupidly sexist term). I would have been more fearful of keeping it from them, and having them find out accidentally when they were teenagers and having a major rift grow between us, which is also how I treated coming out to my significant other. I don't run around too often dressed in front of them, only because I usually look awful, but it's a readily mentioned subject around the house as just another fact of life, I don't see it as a "problem" being passed on. I'll get back to you when they make it through the teenage years though.

[ReineD]

I will say, the moment I first held my son in my arms, all of the concerns about what I would be "giving up" became instantly superficial and melted away. I have never for a second looked back with regret from that day onwards.

^This!

Same thing happened to me. I relished my freedom and independence, and I was reluctant to commit, but I agreed to have children in my late twenties because my husband was 36 and he wanted kids before his 40s.

I often ask new parents now, "So ... did you have any idea it was going to be like this?", and they always shake their head, smile, and say no. It's just impossible to imagine, before having kids, how much our priorities will change once we have them. And it's not a sacrifice at all!

Savannah, your wife is suportive so I'm fully confident that you both will know how to handle telling your children. You'll know when the time is right, and that time is different for everyone. You'll just do what makes sense for your family.

And don't be worried about being a good parent. You'll do fine!

[K8astrophe]

LOL Reine, makes us sound like some parenting cult, but so true that you just really can't relate until you've become a parent yourself. It's the first that I truly knew what unconditional love really was... and it HAS to be, or no one would make it past those first six months or so of sleep deprivation.... *shudder*.

[ReineD]

I think the vast majority of parents feel the same way. Yes we do read horrible stories of child endangerment and abuse, but these account for an extremely tiny percentage of all parents.

[mechamoose]

Your kids will learn what 'normal' is from their parents.. YOU.

You just have to be supportive and loving. That is it.

You wear a dress? So what? That child will only know you as that and will accept it. The love matters more.

I youngest (now 15) has ALWAYS seen me tromp around the house in girl things, it no longer raises an eyebrow. In fact, it has helped him become a more tolerant human.

Yah, 'Dad' wears skirts.. and rides mountain bikes, and makes jewelry, and does Kung Fu... Fears no-one, and will speak truth to power.

My goal is to be a powerful PERSON, not a powerful MAN.

You have every ability to be a powerful PERSON, and THAT is what a child takes in.

<3

- K/M

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

^This!

Same thing happened to me. I relished my freedom and independence, and I was reluctant to commit, but I agreed to have children in my late twenties because my husband was 36 and he wanted kids before his 40s.

I HAD two kids 16 and 14, when my (2nd) wife got pregnant. She was adopted, knew nothing of her heritage, and it crushed me that there would be nothing beyond her. I NEEDED to sire a child with her, so her thread could continue.

She, on the other hand, thought 'ok, I'm going to be Mom'.. totally unprepared. She did not know about the sleepless nights, the personality changes and biological changes.

After our son was born, she admitted that she had no idea what was coming. She looked at me in amazement that *I* knew what was coming and I did it *ANYWAY*.

Children are gifts, grandchildren are candy. I have two }:> You get to see how much of yourself gets passed on, what traits they have. My daughter was me in a girl body, her son is just that, reversed. Wild and curious and energetic. Not afraid to leap.

You don't need to TELL your children, you will SHOW your children. Just by existing. Just by being an honorable (XY) person who happens to wear pretty things.

Don't worry, this will work out.

- K/M

[ReineD]

Children are gifts, grandchildren are candy. I have two

Oh I keep hearing this from grandparents and I cannot WAIT to find out what it's like being a grandmother!

[GothicEmily]

I'm not a parent but I can only think that, as with many things, if you don't make a big deal out of it and don't treat it like it's something shameful, then your kids won't think anything of it either.

The only thing to watch out for is that in the case of a nasty divorce, your partner or your partner's parents may try to use your CDing in front of the kids as supposed "proof" of your unfitness as a parent. Their success with this strategy will depend on prevailing attitudes toward non-standard gender expression where you live.

[Tracii G]

I have two daughters and 4 grand kids so Reine its pretty awesome and I'm sure you will love it.

[Jane G]

Kids take CD/ TG as it comes in my experience. Most important thing is the relationship you have with your partner. If the two of you both want kids then that's the way to go. I kept my CD/TG from my partner, then she found out, that was a mistake and took some sorting but we finished up a stronger unit. I have never kept it from the kids. They are both fine with it. Just love them as you and they will love you back.

[Savannah_Skye]

Wow Thanks everyone! I feel so much more confident about this and prior to this post, I was going to hide it I shared a lot of these comments with my wife as well, who may now start visiting..