Frustrated and tired

[EllieMayxxx]

Hi, These last couple of weeks have been really rough. My head is all over the place. As I have said in previous posts from the last 7 months or so, I can't tell my parents that I am transgender and that i want to start my transition. It's getting really hard for me to keep hiding who I really am away. They always wonder why I keep myself in my room, it's because im scared and confused. I don't know how much longer i can keep hiding. I am too scared to tell them because I don't want them to react bad and kick me out. It feels like im trapped in the middle of a room with doors and none of them open. I just wish I could pick up sticks and move out so i can have a little more freedom to be myself instead of putting my happiness and health aside just to please my parents. Im going to end it here before I just start typing my thoughts and scare people.

[KymberlyOct]

Oh Charlotte, I am so sorry for your pain. Truly. I am guessing you are young from your post and your picture. I am old, well compared to you. I am in my 50s. Lets say you transition 2 years, 3 years or 5 years from now. You will still be young with most of your life in front of you. Take this time to learn. Learn about yourself emotionally, your gender dysphoria, options of transitioning, therapist options, and asking questions here and looking for support doesnt hurt either.

Also make plans for living on your own, it doesnt have to be tomorrow next month or even this year but make plans and work toward that goal. Youth provides a lot of benefits. You have time. Take advantage of it. I am not saying wait - I am saying do the early prep work now. Transitioning is a big deal and takes a lot of work, determination and some money depending on what you want to do. The money is only necessary depending on what you want to do. Some successfully transitioned women on this site that are very happy choose not to do much regarding any type of surgery. Others do everything.

You have a lot more in your favor than it may feel like right now. Use this time wisely and if you decide to transition it will be time and effort well spent. PM me anytime you would like. We are here for you.

[KellyJameson]

In my teens and twenties when the conversation among friends would turn morbid and we would talk about how we see ourselves dying I would always say it would be by suicide.

I knew early on that life would reach a point where I simply could not take it any more. That I would reach my limit and I would simply check out. It was not depression putting the thoughts in my head but a understanding that I was fragile and very breakable.

The paradox of being born TS is that you are robbed of the vitality to make changes. It feels like you are stuck in molasses. Every moment is a fight for life because there is so little reason to live because being untransitioned prevents life from ever beginning.

It is a form of purgatory but the suffering is not for sins but the accident of birth.

If you are in this place every single thought and action must be about moving forward. Losing weight if losing weight is needed. Getting money together for hormones and possible surgeries and freeing yourself from people who stand in the way of saving your life.

It is very black and white, sink or swim. Death or survival. You either are moving toward one or the other.

I don't think about dying by my own hand anymore. Now I have the more typical thoughts that everyone else has about dying if I bother to think about it at all.

[EllieMayxxx]

When i was 15 and had my first, not sure how to explain, idea that i was trans i was more than happy to keep being male because of school and I didn't want to lose any friends because they wasn't mature enough to take it seriously back then and I never thought about it for a long time. That was fine until February 2015 when I dropped out of college and there wasn't any need to keep myself super hidden and i had a lot more time to explore who I really was. I didn't know much about transgender people and that it wasn't just me until I joined this forum. I sometimes wish that i had said something to a teacher that I would always talk to about the things that were bothering me. sometimes I think that if i was dead I wouldn't have to live a lie and in the afterlife I could be the woman i am in peace. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born at all and give this chance of life to someone who needs it. I know that with only being nearly 20 I have my whole life ahead of me but when you can't live that life then is it really a life or is it just an existance? Sometimes i am almost bursting to tell my parents but I can't.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The hard word to you is that ultimately you will have to deal with your gender dysphoria...

Your insight into your problem is excellent... I feel you are spot on

What can you do?

If you are 20, its time to start planning to get out... so that means you get your life in order... job, mental health... and think in terms of what you can control, what you can do today and tomorrow to help yourself feel better..
the best is always expressing your true self and getting it reflected back to you... that means some friends that understand or trans friends ...or even support groups... its time...

altho your parents are a big issue for you right now, this isnt about them... this is about starting the rest of your life and hopefully finding an authentic and real place for you to thrive... this is about you and you can do it...

the first step isnt telling your parents, the first step is building your base of mental health, finance, support and confidence to do what's right for you..

----added thought
Many times the parents bad reaction stems from fear of your best interest...cant blame them!!! so the more you can do before telling to calm their fears the better... that means you are well served to demonstrate by words and ultimately by action that you are going to thrive as a tg person...that its your life and you are aware of the issues but ready to deal with them

[Nicole Erin]

If you are worried about their reaction and the relationship after telling them -

I think more often than not, the relationship with whoever we tell changes only a little. If it was bad or distant before, it gets a bit more so. If it was solid, it remains so. In those cases, the "good" people may even try to help you along your way in small ways.

When Kaitlyn suggested about having your act together before telling them, that does look good on paper but is not realistic. It takes years to get things together and there is no guarantee that everything will be perfect. Do you want to wait til you are 30 or so and THEN try to transition, tell your parents, and worry about what your job and maybe wife will say?

If you are waiting for the "perfect time" to do stuff, it never really comes. Might as well get started today and build your adult life around living your new role. Even if you cannot afford all that fancy surgery stuff, you CAN change your presentation and live full time in a new role and then worry about the rest of life's details.

I know a lot of folks your age are pressured by older acquaintances to live a certain way but ultimately it is your life. The default answer you hear about EVERYthing is "go to school". Such an easy response. That or they expect you to have your whole life planned by the time you are 21. Some of us did have a grand plan at that age. THEN the real world spoke up.

[Oria]

While I am not planning to transition, nor do I fully understand what you are going through in any real way, I have been there for a few gay friends and there move to live a life of there choosing. First, time is on your side. Take care to not do anything quickly. Your parents may be angry at first, but they love you. They will be scared for you and that will take time for them to calm down. Second, no true friend will leave you. Real friends love you for you. Obviously to us that real person is female. People you thought were your friends will leave and new ones will replace them. It is much easier to find friends when you are being you and not the boy character you play. Third, you are not alone, you found us. Forth, you are so worth it.

[EllieMayxxx]

I think i will start making small changes with how I present myself and if they ask what im doing i will just say something like im just being me or something like that. If i am honest, I have no idea what I want to do in life, everything I have tried to go for didn't work out so im a little lost for ideas. I think i let other people's (family and friends) thoughts and opinions control me just to make them happy while my happiness is put aside.

Honestly thank you all, last night when I posted this i was close to relapse but im feeling better about it now, like I said earlier i am going to start making some changes that aren't so drastic so my parents can get used to it instead of going in the deep end the next day being in makeup and whatnot, that would be a huge shock to the system.

[tgirlamc]

Hey Charlotte!

It is so good to feel the mood of your last post holding the all important ingredient to making your life what you need it to be.... Hope!

You got some great advice from these ladies and I know you will find your way in the world. When I was starting my transition... I resolved to do one thing each day to move a little closer to my goal... Even if it was something very small... There will be hard days but keep moving forward... Don't forget to look back behind you once in a while too when you feel like things aren't going as quickly as you want and marvel at how far you have actually come...

Onward we go!

Hugs!!!
Ashley

[EllieMayxxx]

Thanks Ashley, im going to start with my hair and see what is next later on, I don't want to rush things around my parents

[KymberlyOct]

Charlotte, May I suggest find a therapist, I think that would help. Let me explain. I don't mean a therapist because something is wrong with you. You seem perfectly sane to me. The role of a therapist especially regarding gender issues is to help you find acceptance of yourself. Also to help you explore ideas about how to transition and deal with the world if you decide that transition is ultimately the right path for you. I see that you are in the UK and therefore I am not aware of your therapy options available. That is another place you can start. Do some research, find out if there are resources available for you to see a therapist that works with people that are transgender. It may take some time and work but I would think if you put your mind to it that you will find some resources for gender therapy that don't cost a lot of money. Try public assistance organizations and universities. Many universities will take patients that are not students. The therapy clinic that I go to in Minnesota here in the states is at a University. And I'm old - I got my degree 30 years ago LOL so that proves you don't have to be a student to go to a therapist at a University. Good Luck.

[Nicole Erin]

To expand on what i said earlier - however your parents react to other things you do will likely be how they react to you wanting to transition. If they are nosy, they will notice your transition steps. If they are often oblivious, they probably won't. Whether or not they tend to approve of your choices, same thing with transition.

If i am honest, I have no idea what I want to do in life, everything I have tried to go for didn't work out so im a little lost for ideas. I think i let other people's (family and friends) thoughts and opinions control me just to make them happy while my happiness is put aside.

I think most people do not really know what they want to be when they grow up. You do understand that most adults in the world are just "winging it", right? Doesn't matter how old they are. We go through our days the best we know how and hope for the best. The only real difference is we accept life for what it is more the older we get.
I am not saying people should not bother with a plan at all but the idea that people put in kids' heads about "know your path when you are 20 and live by it" is a complete crock. Even people who think they have it so together sometimes have their entire lives just fall apart.

For doing femme things a little at a time, yes that is a better path than walking in one day dressed as Charlotte.

But yes like I said - it is probably better to concentrate on transition and living your new role early on rather than establishing a solid male life THEN hoping to continue that same life in a new gender role.
In my case, when I started living as a woman at 36, I had nothing to lose anyways. 5 years later, life is just life.

If you are one who needs SRS to feel complete, that is one goal. That can come later. The first goal is working on presentation, voice, etc. One day go full time. Then you can start the life you need or want. Some TS lead very successful lives and careers.

You must decide what you want, it is not up to friends or relatives. I promise you that your friends and relatives are not going to assume responsibility if you head down a path that does not make you happy. The good and bad of that is - once you get close to 30, people pretty much leave you alone.

It looks like Norfolk is comparable to Indianapolis in population density, so you should have plenty of resources. Transition is typically easier in a big city

[JanePeterson]

.

When Kaitlyn suggested about having your act together before telling them, that does look good on paper but is not realistic. It takes years to get things together and there is no guarantee that everything will be perfect.

Being even partially financially independent sounds like fantastic advice... I don't think there is any "perfect" scenario, but beginning the hard work getting things in order now is very smart. Transition takes resources. Transition taked discipline. Transition takes friends. I got all of those from working.

[Megan G]

If you are 20, its time to start planning to get out... so that means you get your life in order... job, mental health...

I have to agree with Kaitlyn on this, you need to start putting the pieces together to gain financial independence. This is going to take time and will not happen overnight. You need to start building a support network, get out and start making friends that accept you. Make a plan, a realistic one... Small steps, make the goals realistic for the resources available to you at the time. These will change as time goes on and more things become available to you (due to increase in financial independence).

At the end of the day the success or failure of a transition is directly related to how badly you want/need it and how hard you work at it. Many of us risk everything to live an authentic life and work multiple jobs to get it done.

Megan

[Starling]

As you live in Britain, Charlotte, gender surgeries and HRT are covered by the NHS. I suggest you get your status on the record ASAP so that later on, when you are ready to take those big steps, you have already documented your need. KymberlyOct has provided you with some imaginative ways to do this at little or no expense. Your best bet for starters may be to seek ordinary, not gender-based, therapy. There is some risk involved that your therapist may not be very well-informed on trans issues, but at least you will have staked your claim to treatment for your medical condition. I trust there is no need for NHS to notify your parents.

Lallie

PS: You are quite pretty.

[EllieMayxxx]

Im going to start researching what the nhs offers, and thank you, im blushing so much lol.

A couple of moments ago i did what i said i was going to do and go around the house with a move feminine hair style and my mum gave me a funny look, like frowning and confused. So I panicked and made an excuse, "i was fed up with my hair going in my eyes and I couldn't be bothered with tying it back so I put a pin in it." I've added a picture so you know how my hair was looking, also i rushed the pic lol.

[KymberlyOct]

The only additional advice I will give at this moment is keep moving forward, no matter how small the steps. Many people in all aspects of life have great plans but never do anything about them. Make sure you move forward no matter how small the steps or how slowly keep doing the things that you should do for yourself. Set easy goals then meet them.
Kym

[Badtranny]

This is the exact post I wrote for another young questioner. It seems apropos for you as well.


You have youth on your side so every ounce of pain you experience now will be rewarded with POUNDS of joy down the road. You can't possibly understand this, but every single one of us older transitioners would have LOVED to have had the courage to face the truth when we were your age. We didn't. We let fear rule our lives until we finally sprouted the courage to face the the inevitable.

Do yourself and all of us older broads a favor and face the fear now.

Now I'm gonna tell you a secret, the biggest fear you need to overcome is going to be the fear of being transsexual. I know it sounds weird, but until you really understand and accept who you are, you will never really be able to believe that anyone else can accept you. The first transphobe you have to deal with is you.

In regard to crossdressing, why don't you just stop it and try expressing yourself in every other way? What if you were a woman who was forced to wear men's clothes? I know how I would deal with it, and I know how my friends would deal with it. (By the way, I'm not even thinking about underdressing as some kind of 'relief') Cross dressing is confusion not transition. When you are clear on who you are, the costume is no longer necessary and the clothes become simply fashion and expression.

When riding my motorcycle I express myself with jeans and awesome leather chaps. Some girls would prefer leather pants. Some girls would rather have sport bike pants. There's a zillion ways to express your feminine self in riding gear yet the material and fit is very similar to the men's gear. What's different? Color, buckles, fringe, etc? It's the retails that make the difference. So, address the details in your transition and your expression.

Your identity should inform your presentation, not the other way around.

[Deborah_UK]

Charlotte, as Starling says, get yourself into the NHS system. Start by seeing your GP. Unfortunately the way the NHS is at the moment nothing will happen quickly, and sadly it seems that Transgender issues are getting squeezed by the cuts. So the sooner you get the ball rolling the better. I don't know what East Anglia is like for gender clinics and referrals, but nationally things seem to be slow so don't expect anything overnight. Are there support groups in your area? Sometimes they can help and confirm that you are not alone.