The Price of Moving Forward

[Marcelle]

I heard and interesting quote once "It's a cash and carry world. Sometimes you pay a little. Mostly it's a lot. Sometimes it's everything you have." In my mayfly existence on this planet I have paid much and in two cases came close to paying the Ferryman everything. Yesterday I truly learned what it means to willingly put "everything" in the pot.

As many here know I have maintained the stance that HRT is not for me for reasons which I did not go into. I guess we spend so much of our lives denying who we are that sometimes that denial stubbornly hangs on and we come to believe that it is fact not falsehoods. I know in my heart of hearts I am a woman but sometimes "he" clings to my existence like some ghost echo not truly wanting to let go. Over the past few months things have been getting chaotic in my mind, in essence the same as when I first came to this realization three years ago and sometimes my thoughts are dark. Anger, bitterness and depression creeping back in like some insipid mold which won't die. When I get like this I become introspective during which I realized . . . I am lying to myself much the same way I lied to myself three years ago, all in an attempt to hold tenuously on to the last vestiges of him. Now it wasn't all lies as it included deep seated and I truly believe a healthy fear of not wanting to rush into something until I was completely sure . . . HRT. However, once I separated the fear from the fact I realized this is something . . . I need. Emotionally I am becoming a bit unstable (not self-destructive unstable should someone wonder) just emotionally unbalanced. I know it is time and so I made an appointment through my medical system to speak to a doctor to start the process. I cannot describe the shear joy I felt when that appointment was confirmed . . . no doubts, no fear . . . just happiness that things are going to move forward.

That was the easy part. My wife would have to be told and though she has been supportive of me, I sensed that a step down this path may be a bit too jagged for her to navigate with me. I love my wife and I am sure she loves me but our relationship has kind of skewed over the last three years in that romance has departed but a deep seated bond of friendship has replaced it. Our conversations are enjoyable, our time existing together is a joy . . . we just sync better than before . . . love but a different sort. However, I am cognizant that physiologically I am still male and I think that provides her with a security blanket of sorts . . . she may dress as a woman, live as a woman but she is still a guy which makes me heterosexual. I feared that my announcing that HRT was now on the table which in effect could produce physical changes which may make it difficult to see her security blanket not to mention I am sure she will wonder what is next (GCS?) . . . just saying, I was not expecting a good outcome. Yesterday after work we had our talk . . . it did not go well. As expected she was deeply confused and hurt as I had maintained that this was not something I was seeking . . . I know, I know a fatal error on my part and anyone reading this should learn from my mistake . . . never say never when dealing with loved ones. The proper approach should have been, "as of now HRT is not something I am thinking of but I cannot make any promises because I don't know where this will lead". There was a lot of yelling, a lot of crying and talk of separation/divorce followed by accusations of destroying her dreams of retirement. I tried to explain I still see a future for us but unfortunately I will have to live that future as a woman. Then my worst fear . . . she is not prepared to be in a same sex marriage. I get that and I hold no ill will towards her for that . . . it just hurt. The woman I have loved for almost three decades was slowly slipping from my grasp before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do because of this cursed condition. She could not discuss anymore and asked for some time to think.

So last night was quiet and reflective for me. Sorry, I am going to get a bit Sci-Fi nerdy girl here. In essence I am facing my very own Star Trek Kobayashi Maru . . . should I choose to cross the neutral zone and save her (not start HRT) which would most likely destroy me or move forward with HRT which could likely result in the destruction of our 28 year marriage. I know nobody can give me the answer and some of you have already lived this . . . but for me writing these thoughts down are cathartic and hopefully will help others in a similar situation or are just starting down the path. This is a hard journey and sometimes things go well and then a small bump sends things flying out of control. Right now I feel sad and for the first time in my life . . . totally alone . . . with life altering decisions to be made.

. . . Sometimes you pay a little. Mostly it's a lot. Sometimes it's everything you have.

Marcelle

[Jennifer-GWN]

Oh my dear Marcelle. Your post is both surprising, saddening, but yet a reflection of what many of us have had to come to terms with as well. I had thought/hoped you'd be immune to this one. The precipice of HRT represents such a large chasm for many cis women even when the relationships are strong and grounded. It's a turning point. I've watched you grow as the woman you are with the greatest degree of maturity, strength, and pragmatism. Please know that you are not alone. You have a following of friends and those near by to draw from. You have the strength to power through this with the highest degree of thought and reflection. I understand completely that in this case you're fighting not one battle front but 2... The HRT aspects to bring closure to your transition and the other a battle of relationship and maintaining the sanctity of your long standing marriage. This one is never easy. You in the end have to survive emotionally while finding the path forward from a relationship perspective. I wish you the best on this. Offer that my line remains open to talk anytime and the door is always open should you need a refuge to think.

I am so sorry to hear that's it's come to this. Be well with yourself Marcelle and time to start changing the rules a bit to reach the desired outcome.

You are in my heart and thoughts.
Jennifer

[JanePeterson]

I am so sorry to read your pain... I am so proud of your strength... I hope you find some comfort. Much like you said to avoid saying never, sometimes we need to leave the door open a crack for our spouses too- who knows, maybe eventually you'll both find a place where you can be authentic and be together.

[Megan G]

Marcelle,

I am so sorry, that was difficult to read as it brought up many memories from my journey. I am sure most/if not all of us have been there and totally feel for you right now. I hope as the days pass you both can find some comfort and understanding.

Megan.

[Pat]

Marcelle -- so sorry to read your anguish. I've been following you since I came here and you've always been a role model to me as you felt your way along the path. Another saying is "it ain't over 'til it's over." Things might still settle out between you and your wife. I hope that's the case. Good luck.

[Brooklyn]

I'm so sorry Marcelle. Part of me wants to say "I KNEW it", but really I was hoping that somehow you had squared the circle - that by using your intellect and warm heart, you had figured out a way around medical transition. You just cannot negotiate with this stuff, however. All you can do is try to manage the situation as best as you can, and the only reward in resisting is to give people time to come to terms with the reality that you are transsexual and that all this is really happening.

Your wife will feel angry and betrayed as any woman in that situation would. She may still perceive you more as an eccentric man rather than the woman you are becoming. Maybe you can work something out? Even if divorce is in your future, that happens to most marriages and life goes on afterwards. I'm sure you will make the best of the situation.

I'm also thrilled that you are finally starting HRT! That is a huge step and it will make you feel better. Welcome aboard the starship.

[Bria]

Marcelle, I can only echo the previous comments, I am sorry that your relationship is in the crosshairs, would that it not be so. I have followed your posts since I joined here only one month after you did, and have received much insight from them. As I saw your development as a woman proceed at a fairly rapid pace I wondered if you could stop short of HRT. Naturally, I hoped that would be the case as we all know that the HRT threshold is a big one to cross.

I hope that your wife will come to the point that she can make this journey with you as I know that her support would be very helpful as you navigate the future.

Whether or not your wife makes the journey with you, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hugs, Bria

[KymberlyOct]

Hi Marcelle, I am so torn between wanting to congratulate you and wanting to express my sympathy. I cannot empathize because I am divorced due to non gender issues. It must be incredibly difficult to take this path with your wife. For that you are in my heart and prayers. Not having lived your situation perhaps the only advice I can give is from a bigger picture life perspective. I am convinced that when we make choices in life to make those close to us happy and those choices go against what we want or who we are that ultimately in the end both our loved ones and ourselves end up unhappy. We must make choices that are true to ourselves to make both our loved ones and ourselves happy in the long run. Good luck and stay strong.

[Mirya]

Marcelle, thank you for sharing such an intimate and powerful story. And I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you are experiencing.

Another possibility is that you will start HRT, decide you don't like it after all, and discontinue. And maybe your wife will be more likely to stay with you.

Just saying... Not everyone responds the same way to HRT, so you never know.

[Badtranny]

Hmmmm, this is what transition looks like.

I'm sorry Marcelle, but thank you for giving us this little glimpse.

It's so sad that finding peace requires blowing up things that we care about. I wish there was another way.

[tgirlamc]

Hi Marcelle,

I too am so sorry for the anguish you are feeling at this point...I know that no matter how things work out, time will bring you relief and healing. The bonds of our past are strong and can hold to us tightly... Sadly, they can often complicate an already complicated journey. I believe that HT will offer you a different lens with which to view things and provide you with more options on how best to proceed. Wishing you peace of mind, clarity of thought and happiness as you move ahead!

Onward We Go...

Ashley

[Nigella]

95% of what you have written Marcelle jibes with me, you have described my transition almost to a T. Just to give you hope, there may be a light ahead in this dark tunnel. Your wife may be able to see the real you underneath what she has expected. There are a number of ladies on this forum and in the TS world at large who accept their SO is a woman and still love them for who they are. Whilst the world may see them as lesbian, they see themselves as hetro, just loving the person they fell in love with.

[Tommie.]

I too am sorry for the trouble and pray for a positive change. In discussing HRT with my SO she said she was concerned the change to Tommie would turn her away and replied that has she ever considered that it was really Tommie who fell in love, married her, made 42 years with her and physically and spiritually bonded to her.... Not tom who was a shell.... She replied no she had not thought of it that way and would think about it. Please be patient and continue to love with an expectation of a positive outcome. And since we are doing old sayings a favorite of my SO and now myself is 'when a door closes a window will open'..... Huggs... Tommie

[Zooey]

I've been struggling for the past couple of hours with what I could possibly say here, especially given what's already been said by so many others.

To be completely honest, I've had mixed feelings about your "no HRT" stance in the past, and I can't say I'm surprised by this change. The changes that come from HRT can be so fundamental... That's about me though... This is about you.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now, and i understand at least some of what you're dealing with. Transition is tough, and it tests all of us (and the people who love us) in ways most people can't even imagine. I wish you and your wife nothing but the best while navigating the road ahead of you, and I hope that no matter what happens, you emerge from the other end a happier person.

[Starling]

Marcelle, my wife has never been able even to discuss my gender feelings to get a better idea of how I experience life. There has never been an opportunity for us, somewhat calmly, to talk about our future. Consequently, she is always on edge, waiting for the next shoe to drop, and I am always feeling guilty and lonely. Without telling her, I started HRT--which worked on me like nature's own tranquilizer--but stopped it a couple of months later. I am willing to trade a few years of life for a fuller life, but at that time I felt it was unfair of me to make her share that risk, for nothing but pain.

That was no solution to the problem, though. Resentment grows and grows, when one's deepest needs are not met, regardless of why; when it is to spare your loved one pain, you take on the pain yourself. I'm sorry you have reached a point of extreme conflict between your needs and your wife's; but enough women here have found a new way of being together, after the intense emotional shock has passed, and the love they have shared begins to express itself anew, to give me hope that you and your wife will once again be close.

Lallie

[jentay1367]

It's all so hard. My Wife says she's on board and her body language often tells me different. This journey is difficult and we keep making deals with ourselves.

From the Band "The Who"

"Keep away old man, you won't fool me
You and your history won't rule me
You might have been a fighter, but admit you failed
I'm not affected by your blackmail
You won't blackmail me"

and from the same song.........

"no easy way to be free, no easy way to be me"

more eloquent than I can manage.

Good luck to you Marcelle....good luck to all of us.

[PretzelGirl]

Marcelle, I am terribly sorry that it has come to this. A mix of emotions. The joy of moving on to HRT and the heart wrenching talk. It isn't easy and our sympathies and support are with you. It is likely no consolation, but leaving the crack open doesn't always help. I always said "I am a crossdresser and currently have no plans on transitioning" . When I said I was transitioning, I was told "you said you weren't going to do this". It is tough as we all grab on to what we want. Keep caring and keep hope and life will drive things from there. All we have been given that we can control is being our authentic selves. The rest just happens around us.

[Donnagirl]

I'm sure we all feel your pain Marcelle, so many have lived that and I was so very close. I did so hope that this news would have come in a happier way, but I know, as I'm sure you do that this is the only option. You've finally stopped swimming against the current, just turn and go with the flow.

For my wife talking to other wives really helped. Seeing relationships that have lasted decades after transition is comforting. Only you'll know what's best.

And on a lighter side, OK girls who had 1 September in the pool!

Biggest hugs hun,

Donna

[Donna Joanne]

I'm so sorry for your pain Marcelle. Even though we all have different paths our transition journey takes us to, what you describe is such a common thread to the tapestry that our lives become. My marriage only lasted 10 months after 'the talk'. She voiced the same objections that your spouse has. I hoped for a 'fairy tale ending', but wound up with the real world. My only advice is to prepare for the absolute worst and hope for the best....

My divorce will be final any day now.

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey Marcelle. The others have expressed how we are not surprised you've come to this point. The parallels between your progression and martial status to mine is uncanny. I too am trying to keep a 27 year marriage in tact while trying to progress towards transition and keep my wife happy. Your wife has helped you along the way, but now you've told her something she was not expecting. You were wise enough to realize that this decision would lead to conflict and seem to have weathered this first wave. Even so, this rift is not the way you wanted it to go, no wonder you are emotionally a wreck.
I have kept Heidi's world separate and isolated to protect our relationship. And my love has tempered any thoughts of leaving my wife for my personal gain. But I'm happy with that. My advantage is she did allow the HRT and then see how things progressed with me in her world. So far, so good. Perhaps your wife will be open to this approach as well. She should quickly see a more calm and relaxed you once the HRT is started. The physical appearance changes can be managed for a while, I'm 17 months in and presenting male is still not a problem. But we are all different, so my approach may not be your best path. I'm just suggesting that the two of you can work out a different route to happiness, you do not need to expect things to go the traditional A to B to C progression. There is a way to keep your relationship in tact, but not if you totally give up on working for a solution that makes both partners happy. Good luck my friend, I'm behind you all the way!

[KymberlyOct]

Just to put a smile on your face Marcelle for a brief moment............. Your avatar may be about the cutest thing ever

[Rachael Leigh]

Marcelle, I've been doing some reading on the subject of being transgender and I know you with your introspective on all this have done prob way more then me, what has happend for me is I've finally come to a place that this part of us is so diverse and has so many aspects that there is just no conseneses on why this happens.

Your situation fits a lot of these things I've been reading about and I want to say how much I hurt for girls like yourself who find they have to make such a difficult decision and go this route. For whatever reason some like myself and others who can manage this by just dressing and going out and presenting are very fortunate we can go back to male mode after a time.
I know that being more on the side you are on the thinking and emotions are very different but yet the understanding of needing to be right with oneself do seem alike in many ways.
I will say I don't fully understand your situation and why your making this decision but I want you to know I will say a prayer for you my friend as you continue to make decisions on all this and I pray you will find your peace with it.
Leigh

[KellyJameson]

For a TS woman who has not transitioned a symptom or condition if you prefer is to live with oppression. The circumstances create the condition of oppression just as severe as anything an individual or group usually associated with oppression has experienced.

To understand gender dysphoria you must understand oppression. Transitioning frees the person from oppression to the degree they experience themselves as a woman.

You begin to feel real (have substance " I am" " I exist" ) and free ( genuine/authentic) for the first time in your life.

Unlike others who are oppressed by groups this oppression is imposed by the body and by extension how this sexed body must live, which is contrary to what is natural for the person who lives within this sexed body.

Transitioning gives you the means to an end. It is both escape from oppression and the birth of possibilities that would not be possible otherwise.

[Suzanne F]

Marcelle,
Like some of the others I have been expecting this. You and I started this almost exactly the same time and we both have worked hard to keep our marriages. However, we have both chosen to stay alive and face our issue. It's not fair and I accept that. I hate that for your family too!
Tonight my wife is with me. However, it could end tomorrow. So like you I do the best I can while I work at being the real me. I cannot control outcomes. I wish I had some way to help. I guess I can just offer to be here. You will not go through this alone. Someday I am going to give you such a big hug. You were my first sister here ! Please be good to yourself.
Yours,
Suzanne

[Marcelle]

Hello everyone,

Firstly thanks for all your shared experience and support during this very hard time. Yesterday, I just needed to keep my head down and bury myself in some project where I could maintain distance between my wife and myself and give her time to process. Late in the afternoon she came out to where I was working and indicated she was ready to talk . . . I was not looking forward to this. She was armed this time with information she had garnered from the internet (my recommendation) and we proceeded to discuss the depth of my dysphoria. I do want to be clear with everyone, I still like my body as it is . . . yup physiologically I am male but that is my cross to bear. However it is my body and I know how it reacts to what I do with it. Changing fundamental aspects of that is not something I would take lightly and to be honest the potential physical changes are not something I am seeking. I only want to quell the chaotic thought patterns which are slowing creeping back into what was once a stable mind.

With the above in mind and fully explained to my wife, her concerns were that the potential physical changes may result in her not seeing the person she knew and not being able to reconcile that in her own mind. I explained that the changes differ from person to person and while some are consistent (breast development, body fat distribution) it is still a genetic crap shoot on what comes out. If I look at my sisters and mother, they are all small chested, narrow hipped with athletic frames and it is likely my changes will mimic their body type just a bit more south of male. Facial feature softening is a probability but then again at shy of 53 and all that testosterone in my body for so many years, it is likely the softening will be minimal. She understood that but was still frightened and asked (rightly so) if I don't welcome the changes myself then why put myself through it? She was correct, I don't welcome the changes and if that makes me a bad trans woman then so be it but I need to calm the chaos and this is the only way I can see it happening. We were once again at a stalemate and things went silent . . .

I thought that was it and she was now prepared to drop the hammer. Surprisingly she did not. She said that if this is something I have to do then she will go forward with me but she cannot make any promises once the physical changes start. That was a big step for her and one I did not take lightly as she was in essence gambling everything. So to reciprocate and again if this makes me a bad trans woman then so be it , I let her know during my last physical (last year) my testosterone levels were extremely high for a male my age, in fact a bit too high. So I promised that when I go for my appointment I would explore the option of androgen blockers only to bring my t-levels down to see if that can help quell the chaos. No promises that it will, but at least I could try . . . she was trying so I owe her the same courtesy. As an added surprise she agreed that I should move forward with change of "gender designation" on my documentation. The name change is in process but the gender marker was a bit of a sticking point for her. I don't know perhaps she was throwing that out as a consolation prize but that is another big step for her and I truly believe it was genuine.

So this is where we stand now. I will move forward exploring the effects of androgen blockers only to see if that can calm the chaos. If it does not then perhaps I will have to move forward and accept the changes I do not desire. If people are curious why I do not seek physical change I can provide some context. My body has been through a lot over the past ten years including an IED strike which demolished my vehicle, fractured my lower back and right femur as well as scrambling my insides along with various other combat related injuries doing damage internally which even today is still healing. I spent over two years rebuilding my physical and have grown quite attached to it . . . call it a badge of honor, pride or whatever . . . it was a hard road but I made it out and in a way I am not prepared to give that up. If in the end I have to accept that full HRT is the only way forward then I will but I have to at least try this road first. I hope all of you can understand that.

Cheers all

Marcelle