The ultimatum ...

[Sephone]

Hi,

I'm pretty new here as an active member, but this forum already helped me discovering myself, learning to accept myself and gain more confidence around the whole crosdressing stuff.

But lately things are getting more difficult for me.
About 2 years ago i started dating a girl. That was around the same time i was getting more and more in to dressing up, and finding out who i really was.
After a few dates we decided we weren't relationtype material for eachother, but we stayed friends and kept chatting.
till one day I told her everything about me being a crossdresser, I really needed it to get it off my chest and just tell someone.
She seemed like the perfect fit, she didn't know much of my environment, But we listen to eachother and can talk to eachother about almost everything..
So she listened to me, she was suprised and was really curious but accepting and made me feel really comfortable about it.
Later on we even started shopping together, she helped me with my outfits, and even saw me a few times dressed.
She was having a great time, just like me. Not so long ago I told her I wanted to go out in public dressed, and she was getting as excited about it as I was, and wanted to help me and come along.
We started planning but up till now we didn't yet found the time, and then there is also ... another complication.

4-5 months back I started dating someone again, we both connected and now we've been together for a bit over 4 months and everything has been pretty great so far.
After we were about 1 month together I came out to her and told her i'm a crossdresser. Crossdressing became a pretty important part of my life, so i wanted to tell her right away, i thought this was the righ decision.
She was shocked, as expected, then we had a long talk and I've answered all her questions. She was quiet that night, but the day after we talked again and she looked a few things up, and was accepting it.
She still has a bit of a hard time with it, but is willing to accept it more and more. She allready has seen me dressed once now, at first it was a bit awkward, but then we talked, we laughed and actually had fun.
She has no problem with it as long as we limit it, to up to about once a month or something. I used to dress about twice a week before, so that is pretty hard on me and I miss it ... a lot.
So i started talking about it, but she says she needs time accepting it and doesn't want to force it. Which I understand but I really hope this will change in the future, which i'm not certain of right now.
She also said she doesn't want me to do it in private as well, cause she's not comfortable with it for some reason ...
She also has no interest in helping me get dressed and shopping with me.
Other than that, for her, we have to keep this between us, and us alone... which also means she doesn't want me to go outside dressed ever, and doesn't want that other people except her know about it.

Which forced me a bit to tell her that I shop together with a girl I used to date...
It made her really upset, and now ... she wants it to stop as well.
She thinks its a threat to our relationship which will break us up eventually...
we've been discussing this for hours and hours now, I explained its just a friend for over 2 years now, which I just go shopping with, and that everything is harmless.
If anything was up between us, it would already have happened...
But she just doesn't wanna believe it, and i'm pretty sure she never will. So she now put me up to the choice...
I stop seeing my shopping friend... or she's gone...

Don't get me wrong my GF is a nice lovely and beautiful girl, she's sweet and cares, and really tries hard accepting everything. But this shopping friend is just a big issue for her, and we're at the end of our discussion about this.

I really don't want to make a choice and want both in my life, as they both make me happy. But i can't start lying and sneaking around, thats just not me, and also not fair to her.
I feel like this is one of the harder decisions in my life, and i am forced to let one or the other down...
I actually have no idea what to do now, I really don't want to lose her, but I just can't lead the life she wants me to as well.
I thought i could consider myself happy for coming out to her and finding someone who acccepts and understands, but this even feels worse...

[Jenniferathome]

Sephone, you already know the answer to this dilemma. It can't work on these terms. Setting aside the friend issue, she wants you to limit the dressing to "about once a month" but you are dressing twice a week. Honesty is the best policy and you have gone a long ways to that end already. You need to have a frank conversation with her about the frequency of dressing you need.

As for the past girlfriend, I can see that as an issue for a new girlfriend. Forget the cross dressing even, what if she was just your tennis partner? No new girlfriend will be cool with that....

Still, given the level of secrecy the new GF wants and the limitation on your cross dressing, I can't see this working too well.

Best of luck

[Allsteamedup]

How understanding would you be to a platonic friend, male, that she went shopping or whatever with? This is not just a cross-dressing issue but a trust issue. She is right to be questioning this. how prepared are you for a mature relationship?

[ReineD]

This is a long response, but I'm attempting to address all your points:

You should spend time with your girlfriend and your friend while in guy mode; go out for dinner and hang out or something. If your friend has a boyfriend, he should come along too. Once your girlfriend sees there is nothing between you and your friend, she might be more relaxed about the fact that you have a platonic, female friend. Your girlfriend may even like her, and they might even begin to be friends on their own. This should take care of the trust issue.

Now to deal with the crossdressing. In any relationship it is tricky to establish workable compromises when two people have different points of view. One thing that never works is an "all or nothing" approach, such as "do it my way or we’re done". So if your girlfriend wants you to dress once per month when you’re together and you want to dress 8 times per month, if you both value the relationship you might settle for somewhere in the middle, like once per week. In this scenario neither one of you would get what you want, but it would require a smaller stretch on both sides than one person doing all the stretching. But, if you see your girlfriend twice per week and you want to dress every time you see her, this needs its own compromise … your girlfriend wants to see you as a guy as well, and there is nothing wrong with that. So maybe you could work on a percentage of time you are dressed when you are with your girlfriend. 50%? 25%?

What you do on your own is your business, but I would have a deep talk with your girlfriend to find out why she doesn’t want you to dress alone at home. "For some reason" doesn’t explain anything. Is she afraid it will take over and you will no longer want to wear guy clothes when you’re at home, and this will eventually translate to not wanting to wear guy clothes ever? Is she afraid it brings you to a mind zone that she cannot compete with? Talk to her about this and assuage her fears. If she knows that you are basically unchanged whether you are dressed or not, and that you enjoy yourself when you’re dressed as a guy just as much as when you're dressed as a girl, what does it matter if you play a video game at home wearing jeans or a skirt.

The shopping and helping you dress up: this is one area where she does need to go at her own pace. She did say she needs time and she is open minded, so for now you should dress yourself when you spend time dressed with your girlfriend. Also, you will find that as time goes on, getting ready will become less of an "event" for you. When GGs put on nice clothes and makeup, it is as utilitarian for them as guys who get ready for a date and take showers and shave. This is not a fun, party-like activity, it’s just getting ready for the day or evening, and we all do this on our own. But if you have questions about what goes with what or what color eyeshadow to wear, you could get ready and then ask your girlfriend what she thinks. If you’re not quite sure how to apply the makeup, you can watch youtube videos. If you're trying a new outfit and you're not sure if it suits you at all, keep the sales tags on. You can always return the item if it doesn't suit.

Keeping it between you: your girlfriend doesn’t want others to know, as I’m sure you do, unless you are prepared to come out to your family, friends, schoolmates or coworkers. And so the two of you should talk about who to specifically tell and not tell, and find times and places to go where it will be safe, for example going to see a drag show in a different part of the city. Would it be OK for the patrons of a LGBT club to see you, that you will never see again? If, however, you do want everyone in your life to know, then I’m afraid this cannot be compromised on with your girlfriend and you might find another girlfriend who is prepared to be "out" with you totally to everyone she knows as well. Because once the people you know find out about this, it becomes who you are known as, such as "Oh, this is my friend who likes to dress as a girl". Some people will be OK with it and it won’t affect your relationships with them (or they'll be OK with knowing you do this but they won't want to go out with you while you're dressed), but others won’t and the relationships will suffer.

[Micki_Finn]

Long story short, her feelings are her feelings. Wether or not they are unfounded, they are still valid because they are her feelings. Basically, at this point, if you want the relationship, then you're going to have to do it on her terms. You can't force her to be accepting. While Crossdressing can be an emotional roller coaster for us, it's an absolute minefield of insecurity and doubt for our partners. Just as we girls all go on a journey to discover our true selves, our spouses have their own journeys as well and we have to respect their feelings. If you feel that her requirements for the relationship are hurting your own journey, then perhaps it's time to end the relationship. I know that it's difficult, but you have to consider what's most fair for BOTH of you.

[ReineD]

if you want the relationship, then you're going to have to do it on her terms.

You don't think it is possible to work out compromises, if both people are interested in maintaining their relationship?

[Micki_Finn]

You don't think it is possible to work out compromises, if both people are interested in maintaining their relationship?

In some cases yes. In this particular case it sounds like the partner's vestment in the relationship is rather fragile and pushing her partner to "be ok" with the things Sephone wants before her partner is ready for it will probably just end the relationship anyway.

[Sephone]

Thanks for the replies, I think I know what to do now to get my stuff together.