How do I really know who I am / what I want to be?

[SmoothMoose]

Hey everyone, I'm new here. I'll probably get round to posting an introduction thread at some point but I wanted to get straight to this because I've been putting it off for way too long and I just want to share what I'm feeling with someone at least. This is the first time I'm sharing any of this stuff with anyone and I figured you'd be the best people to talk about it with.

I'm having some real doubts about my gender identity... and I know you must get threads like this all the time, and I know that I'm the only person who can really decide what I want to do with my life... but I'm just hoping some of you might relate to what I say and be able to shed some light on my situation... cause I'm really confused.

I'm in my mid-twenties, was born male, still identify that way (I guess?), I'm in a long term relationship with a female, no one knows about any of this.

I guess the earliest thing I can remember that kind of puts my "gender identity" into question is how I'd try on female clothes when I was young, about 8. I remember how one time my mom caught me... I'd put something on and heard her walking up the stairs. I panicked and quickly jumped into bed, covering myself with the sheets. She asked me what I was doing in bed and I said I didn't feel well or something like that. She didn't believe me, asked me what I was wearing, then proceeded to pull of the sheets. I made up some excuse like "Oh I was just making sure that they fit" and we never spoke of it ever again. Ever. I kept doing it, just got better at not getting caught (I think).


Fast forward many years and I'm starting to suffer with some mood disorders. I don't want to make this post too long so I'll skip ahead a fair bit here and just say that earlier this year I finally got a diagnosis on the problems I've been having since the age of about 14: ADHD, and a mild form of Bipolar affective disorder. That's been treated with medication and it's been a bit better since then. I do however still suffer with a fair few issues, in particular sleepiness - I'm tired ALL THE TIME. It sucks! And I still don't really feel like I "fit in" with anyone or anything. At school I was the "do everything" kid. I'd be in the school plays, doing my saxophone lessons, gymnastics classes, soccer, taekwondo... but never really "be" any of those things if that makes any sense. Like, a lot of people would have like 1 or 2 things that they were awesome at and they generally made friends with people who did similar things... I did so many things that I didn't really have a solid group of friends. As I got older it only really got worse... I'd get invited "out" partying or whatever but it's really not my thing. I hate drinking, don't even really like the taste of alcohol. Never really even liked "hanging out" with anyone (guys I guess) come to think of it... and whenever I did I'd be wondering how fast I could get back and wishing that I was already.

More recently, I've really started thinking more about what it is that I do and why I do it... I thought about the possibility that I might not actually be male.

Since then, I've let it sit, and just don't know where I am, where to go from here, if I'm right / wrong... I keep having conflicting thoughts about it. I've walked down the street and imagined I was female with long hair, breasts, feminine clothes, even female kind of expressions and mannerisms... I like it. Standing around waiting for something I've just imagined I was female and noticed myself start to stand in what I'd consider to be a more feminine way... I think previously I've had to "act male" and almost just make an effort to appear "manly". Letting that go and deciding to "think female" in these situations didn't make me feel like I was putting on an act - I didn't feel like I was "acting female", I just felt like I was "letting go"... if that makes any sense. I've also started wearing female clothes just in normal situations around the house. I've bought some online for myself. I wear them when no one else is around. Just to sit there in them, not really a sexual thing. I wonder if I only ever sexualised it in the first place as a way to justify it.

In terms of sex now... I like it. I do quite enjoy it. So it's not like I'm disgusted with my penis... but I guess I have only just started accepting that I may not be 100% male... so I'm still in a bit of a discovery phase. I do often wonder what it would be like to have sex as a woman. I like to imagine myself as female... sometimes I imagine being the partner that I'm with and what it must be like for them to do the things that they're doing to me.... but not only that I also thinking about non-sexual things like the clothes that they're wearing and how they would have put them on earlier in the day, etc... Clothing is a big thing, really. There's certain brands that I particularly like to know that women are wearing them. I've always hated men's fashion, I've always hated going clothes shopping for myself, because it's boring. Jeans and a t-shirt again, wow. I always see the women's section and think how good it must be to have such a huge choice of amazing clothes. Sometimes I pick outfits out for my girlfriend and she always says that I have amazing taste... often I'll see girls in the street and I'll be like "woahhhhh" and just be completely captivated by them. I say "sometimes" but it's probably several times a day haha. Usually the first thing that I'm noticing is the outfit. But obviously also their body and their face. I do like women after all... But now I'm trying to figure out why I have these kind of intense reactions to random girls in the street. Whether my reaction is because I love their outfit and wish I was wearing it... or maybe I even just wish I was them completely, wishing that I was not only wearing their outfit, but had their hair, their face, their breasts, body... everything. Or whether my reaction is just because I want them sexually... I don't really know which it is. I've tried to think about it whenever it happens recently and I'm still not sure... maybe it's a bit of both. I love their outfit, their style... but maybe I just happen to like them sexually too...

I'm actually not into guys... but I do realise now that sexual orientation is completely different to gender identity. For some reason back then, I guess I thought that dressing like that meant that I was gay. I guess the way my mom reacted to catching me all those years ago taught me that it was somehow "wrong". But where does that leave me now? If she'd have responded in a more positive way, where would I be? Would I have continued to explore my gender identity and would I perhaps even be female now?

So to summarise...

• Born male, in my mid-twenties, in a LTR with a female, don't find males attractive, always secretly crossdressed
• I'm not sure whether it's simply crossdressing, or something more - how do I even know?
• I crossdressed pre-puberty but was shut down and stopped by my mom
• After that I did it in private but quickly sexualised it
• I'd take the clothes off immediately and insult myself saying things like "why do you do this, you're not gay?!"
• Diagnosed with ADHD and mild form of Bipolar
• Few friends, never really "fit in"
• Dislike going out and doing stuff most of the time
• Feel like I have to make an effort to be manly
• Bought female clothes just to wear around the house, wouldn't dare to wear anything like that when I'm outside (that people can see, anyway)
• Often imagine myself being a girl during sex, I imagine wearing the clothes, doing what she's doing, everything
• Obsess over women's clothes, I've always hated men's fashion because it's boring
• Apparently have a really good taste in fashion
• Get captivated by seeing girls in the street that just have a certain "look" about them, not sure if it's due to attraction or perhaps just wanting to BE them...
• Generally unhappy and dissatisfied with life, I wouldn't say I'm necessarily pessimistic... more realistic... but that leaves me fairly moody
• Not a lot of body fair, the hair that is there is quite fine and lightly colored, beard isn't a full one and it's not very thick, head hair is really thick, not much of an adam's apple, waist/hip ratio of 0.8, strangely flexible hips, sweat isn't at all pungent (apparently that's a sign of low testosterone)

Thanks to anyone who's actually got to the end of this... I appreciate it, I really do... I'm at a very confusing stage of my life and literally no one else knows this :\

[Heidi Stevens]

First let me say welcome to you, SM! It looks like you've got a big basket full of questions in search of some satisfying answers. The very first thing I'm going to suggest to you is to find a qualified gender psychologist or psychiatrist. They will want to walk you through everything that you have told us and in a way that you will see exactly where you fit iunder the gender umbrella. It would be wrong for us to do too much as we are not trained to help folks with problems that deep in ones personality. This doesn't mean we won't be there to help you along as you discover who you are, we can help in a lot of other ways. If you need help finding medical and psychological personel, let us know what area you live and someone will be able to steer you to some great help! Good luck.

[Brooklyn]

The first advice around here is always to see a therapist. Also, talk about your feelings with your partner or someone who cares about you and whom you can trust. The secrecy and shame will destroy you and your relationship if you don’t work on it. Posting here is a start. There are plenty of happy crossdressers out there. Keep a journal, read recent posts from the transitioned women here and go meet some transsexual women. They can tell you about their journey and you can decide if that is the path you really must take. We are a diverse bunch and who knows, maybe you’ll make some interesting friends? Good luck.

[tgirlamc]

Hi and Welcome Smooth Moose!!!... What a fun user name!!! ... I am in agreement with Heidi & Ashley S... You have a lot to sort through and a therapist is a wonderful place to start... The WPATH website has a list of providers so you can check for one in your area... There are many common threads that many or most of us here share in our early lives and how we feel inside... I am seeing many of those things in what you wrote... This stuff is not going to go away... Trust me on this!!!.... It is stuff that demands to be looked at and scrutinized so you can figure out what it all means to you in terms of living your life ... It is a bit of a process but coming here and posting is the first step on a journey...Self exploration is the last frontier!!!

Take Care,

Ashley :-D

[Bria]

SM, you have obviously thought a lot about how you feel and interact with others and have done a good job of forming that into specific areas. I'm sure that a good therapist can help you discover who you are, after all it is only you that can decide, no one can tell you, that would be too easy.

There is a lot of experienced women on this forum that will be a great resource for you as you move along your unique path. Your path is yours alone, there is no guarantee that it will be like someone else's path.

I hope that you can make progress along that path to find the real you. I will remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sounds to me you really need to get in front of a professional.

I think some of your statements have the air of a fantasy especially when you describe what you consider to be feminine traits that you currently share... you can be 6'6 covered in hair and smell like BO factory and it doesnt mean anything!!!

If you are feeling gender discomfort, thats scary and confusing... thats why it helps to talk it out


you need to seperate out whether you are fantasizing that you are transsexual as part of your own cd'ing or whether you are deeply denying your nature and its slowly coming into your conscious mind..

that's way beyond the scope here, but it sure smells like its the former and not the latter..

I come from a perspective of many years of deep denial, but i crossdressed often, and couldnt wait to get outside and experience "real life"... in the end my discomfort rose to the level that despite a hairy body and being 6'2 220+ lbs, i still felt compelled to go out dressed and talk to people and go to malls etc... i had NO DOUBT that i was a crossdresser...it never ever occured to me that i was anything but that...

so anything is possible..

one thing to remember...this is about YOU... thats why the private time with a therapist is so valuable... if you are transsexual its hard to trust what goes in your own head sometimes...i found that out but not until my 40's!!! lol

[Jmichelle60]

Talking to a gender therapist and this forum will help you. I know it did me.

[SmoothMoose]

Thanks for the replies everyone, you're all so lovely and welcoming!

This stuff is not going to go away... Trust me on this!!!.... It is stuff that demands to be looked at and scrutinized so you can figure out what it all means to you in terms of living your life ...

That's what worries me haha. It's only got worse in the past few weeks since I've actually started thinking about it all and what it means, but I dread the thought of telling anybody that I actually know. What if it's nothing like this and I actually just have a bit of a fetish for women's clothes... I'd be so embarrassed having told people because people can be so judgemental :\. Most people do seem to be saying to go and see a professional though so I guess that's where I start... not sure on where to go in the UK but I can do some research.

I think some of your statements have the air of a fantasy especially when you describe what you consider to be feminine traits that you currently share... you can be 6'6 covered in hair and smell like BO factory and it doesnt mean anything!!!

It does though! It absolutely means something, as strong smelling BO is directly linked to your testosterone levels, and men have high testosterone levels! This is why men generally smell worse than women, and why, as children, we don't need deodorant and only bath like once a week before we hit puberty! Having a body full of hair and smelling of nose tingling body odour certainly aren't "feminine" qualities! But I wouldn't read too much into the bit where I listed those "feminine traits" (your words, not mine!) anyway though ... I've been doing loads of research into the testosterone levels, etc, and all of those actually seem to be related to low testosterone, possibly elevated estrogen. Whether someone who is MTF transexual would have those kind of weird levels pre-everything, idk, kind of just word vomiting everything I've found out recently onto the page in the hope that it'll mean something to someone..

I think some of your statements have the air of a fantasy especially when you describe what you consider to be feminine traits that you currently share... you can be 6'6 covered in hair and smell like BO factory and it doesnt mean anything!!!

If you are feeling gender discomfort, thats scary and confusing... thats why it helps to talk it out


you need to seperate out whether you are fantasizing that you are transsexual as part of your own cd'ing or whether you are deeply denying your nature and its slowly coming into your conscious mind..

that's way beyond the scope here, but it sure smells like its the former and not the latter..

That's an interesting point of view, it definitely could be that.

But making that distinction is ABSOLUTELY what I was getting at, that's what I was basically trying to say in my post. How do I know the reason why I'm doing this? Like I said, my mom had a certain reaction when I was doing this as a child.... I know that how we're treated as children sets our behaviour for the rest of our lives so I have to accept that there's a possibility that I'm suppressing stuff because I was never taught that it was "ok" to do these things. That's why I came up with that theory about how I may have just sexualised the dressing as a way to justify the behaviour of dressing in general... if I'm only doing it to relieve myself sexually then that would perhaps be seen as "ok", because there was a specific reason for doing it. As opposed to just wearing them normally, which I was taught was "wrong" at a young age. But then the issue is.... someone's who's suppressed these feelings and sexualised their dressing behaviours as a way to justify them, would surely end up doing the same kind of things that a crossdresser would do if they were fantasizing about being transexual like you mentioned? If they have the same result... how can I know which one is which?!

All I do know is that I've had anxiety and depression since like 15... the recent diagnosis and treatment helps to a certain extent but I still don't feel quite right, I'm not still totally happy or comfortable in everyday life. None of the doctors I've seen have ever been able to pin down a particular "casue" of the depression.... which is odd. I never responded to standard anti-depressant treatment either. I've heard that these issues can often occur in transexual people who have had to suppress their true feelings for so long and basically "live a lie"... and then eventually transitioning eases their mental health problems. I'm just speculating here, but in the last few weeks since I've started thinking about this, and especially in the moments where I've walked down the street imagining what it would be like to be female instead... I've felt a bit better.

one thing to remember...this is about YOU... thats why the private time with a therapist is so valuable... if you are transsexual its hard to trust what goes in your own head sometimes...i found that out but not until my 40's!!! lol

Thank you, you're right... the "trusting my own head" thing is for real haha, it's hard to know what's true and what isn't, I guess I'm just so lost cause of all of this is just so foreign to me... there's so many possible solutions / causes, etc, so you're totally right in saying a professional is going to be helpful. It took me years to get my mental health diagnosis though... I had to go through rubbish NHS therapists and only even got diagnosed and medicated properly when I paid out of my own pocket to see someone privately. I'm now really low on money and it's looking like this is going to be another huge expense in trying to get myself feeling happy and satisfied with life...

[Tommie.]

Therapist first and soon.... then next and importantly don't get in a hurry.... we have all walked this path very closely to what you are... but we did and you do need a guide in this.... welcome.... huggs....

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you really need to get more information which you can get in context from a therapist..

i think you have a lot of ideas in your head that are not going to be very helpful to you

i don't think you are well served getting caught up in wondering if you are transsexual based on your posts. (whether you are or not...you need more info, and i guess more money..)
starting to worry about costs before you've even taken one meaningful step is not constructive


Its really good to be analytical but you need more facts

[Nicole Erin]

I think some of your statements have the air of a fantasy especially when you describe what you consider to be feminine traits that you currently share... you can be 6'6 covered in hair and smell like BO factory and it doesnt mean anything!!!

Kaitlyn is right. What she described is a few of the genetic women I work with.

Ok so next - right now your life is yours. Do not get married or have a kid if you want your life to remain yours. Doing those things will not make your gender confusion vanish.

Anyways, you really need to decide for yourself how you want to live your life. When you research and read forums etc, you will notice a lot of TS say they "just knew". Alrighty than....
Myself, I never got this revelation of being a "transsexual", I just decided 6 years ago that this is how I want to live. I care less what it is called.

You will find many things, good and bad, about this TS business. Yeah you will find photos of perfectly passable ones and it is discouraging thinking, "I will never look that good". You will find things about having to spend a gazillion dollars for stuff. You will find everything under the sun.

OK so what if you cannot afford a ton of money for all these body mods that a lot of transsexuals do when trying to buy their way into womanhood?
You still need to work on your appearance to be the best you can. Yes there will be SOME costs no matter what but nothing staggering.
Tweeze/epilate your beard. work on voice. work on overall presentation.

That whole therapy thing is a scam. Since there is no defining thing that says "yes" or "no" to being TS, what is a therapist going to tell you that you do not already know? Plus they tend to charge a fortune.

Keep one other fundamental truth in mind -
It is true that people are either male or female. That cannot be changed.
The whole thing about "man" or "woman" though, both of those are merely acts. That is why we are brought up to act a certain way, learning the rules of whatever sex we were born to.

I do not know if it is still a "thing" for some TS to try to discredit the newcomers to the scene. Sometimes you may run into people bickering over what a "real TS" is. Ignore all that drama.

[jentay1367]

Nicole's post is powerful information. It rings true with much of what and how I actuually feel. If you take it to heart, it will serve you well.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Actually Nicole a therapist can share ALOT of things that you dont know....

I had a very bad(and bizarre and humiliating) therapy experience, and then a very good one...

I learned ALOT by talking with a therapist...
One thing that especially helped me was GROUP THERAPY.... it was a very safe way to present myself as just me.... i met alot of ts women and cd;s through this...i think we all helped each other alot... (i will admit the group broke up over political fights!)

if someone thinks their small dainty hands might mean they are transsexual, then its better to tell them they are not informed...

maybe you can get all the info from the internet!!!
but therapists can inform a great deal, and although there are bad experiences, most people have found therapy very helpful...

i can imagine that some people honestly would not benefit from it...and some folks are just self starters and very independent ...
But I dont think calling it a "scam" is a very credible statement...it does a disservice to people


I feel that people that come to the internet and post long very very detailed self analysis about all their thoughts, feelings, fears, confusions...share intimate details, family details, money details...lots and lots of questions...
these are the people (ME INCLUDED!!!) that can really benefit from therapy

especially when half the time the story is all made up anyway!!!!

[Starling]

...especially when half the time the story is all made up anyway!!!!

Kait, I think you're exaggerating!!!! Of course, we all remember the absolute fakes here who used and abused our friendship and confidence for years, for their own jollies. That's not nice. But I think most of us are like me--struggling to fashion a mostly honest but self-serving personal narrative that somehow explains the screwed-up things I did, in response to the uncomfortable gender feelings that alienated me from "normal" people, and justifies the emotional crimes I must commit against the ones I love, if I hope to achieve peace of mind.

On second thought, you're absolutely right.

Lallie

[JessiFoxx]

Yes I couldn't agree more with Kaitlyn! First thing to do is schedule an appointment. The second is to be honest with yourself and the ones you love and could not live without in your life. If they love you they will be there for you. I have left things WAY too long 40+ yrs and regret every year that goes by. I have read all the replies here and I thank you all as well as this has helped me too.

Jessi

[Mirya]

I had questions about my gender identity too. I met and talked to real people in the real world about it. I met transgender friends from all across the spectrum. I read countless articles online and watched many YouTube videos in an attempt to figure out my gender identity. Still I couldn't come to a definitive conclusion on what I should do or who/what I am.

So as a last resort, I started seeing a gender therapist. A MALE gender therapist because I thought he would be more objective and ask me tougher questions. I was skeptical that he would be able to help me, because I think I'm pretty darn smart. As it turned out, it was one of the best decisions I made. After maybe 5 sessions with him, I knew exactly what I was and needed to do. Of course, all the work I did before seeing my therapist helped too, but my therapist helped put all the pieces together. He asked me questions that I had never thought to ask myself.

Seeing a gender therapist will help. It definitely will, if you are questioning yourself. It is worth the time and money spent. What better way to spend your time and money than discovering your true self?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Right...

It's HARD WORK. VERY HARD WORK!! ..it takes alot of perseverance and patience..some of us have to face shame and feelings we've repressed for decades and decades.
and that's why a therapist and lots of support and info are so helpful to most people

if you are not ready for that...if you want to dance around it, then so be it, there is no shame in it.....i only sought out therapy the 2nd time because i was totally out of gas... i was grasping at straws

the transsexuals will suffer until sooner of later start to get serious about understanding themselves and considering real life options...usually through a therapist/doctor

the others will talk about it and talk about it..but will end up never doing the work, not because they are better or worse, but because they'll never feel bad enough to walk through the land mines to get to the end (their own end whatever that is)

lots of people would come through my therapy group which was focused on transition and last 2 or 3 sessions... they got the good news to themselves... they could just keep doing what they were doing... facing some reality is a great way to put a plug in pink fog..

reading your responses SMoothMoose i have to say this clearly applies to you... a therapist that knows his/her stuff is going to help you immensely... if this is testing out a ts hypothesis to deal with your dressing and anxiety..i think you should test it out for real... and if you are working through the repressing of your nature over many years, its going to be very tough to unpack without some help that is getting paid to look out for you..

[Mayo]

someone's who's suppressed these feelings and sexualised their dressing behaviours as a way to justify them, would surely end up doing the same kind of things that a crossdresser would do if they were fantasizing about being transexual like you mentioned? If they have the same result... how can I know which one is which?!

I guess I'd ask, what difference does it make if the result is the same? Many of the people here who started out dressing for sexual reasons report that the sexual component goes away in time. I guess my suggestion (apart from seeing a therapist specializing in gender issues, who might help you clarify some of the things you're feeling) would be to just continue dressing without judging yourself and see if it makes you feel more 'authentic' or 'natural'. Your gender identity could be female or even non-binary.[/QUOTE]

[Kaitlyn Michele]

no not implying anything.. not even a little
lots of history that has nothing to do with you

i guess all new posters have to face the forums past

==================

bottom line is that
hard work, therapy, patience, perseverance, willingness to feel very uncomfortable and risk losing alot
thats how you know which is which..

and guess what....you may never be certain which is which... its not all black and white

you have tons of ideas in your head, i would bet lots of them are not really constructive
distinctions you make that dont matter for example...especially about sex...

depending on your level of distress, you'll gravitate towards your true nature but only if you are willing to take real steps..
one comment you made in Op about accepting you are not 100% male makes it feel to me that you very very early in all of this... and there is frankly no reason to beleive you are transsexual unless you are feeling down deep that you are female...
and not just wishing you could wear the clothes

get an appointment with a therapist...bring a note of what you wrote on this forum..
you cant avoid the hard work no matter how rubbish you think the therapists are.

[KymberlyOct]

Hi, I have lots of guesses and opinions on your post and where life is leading you - I will keep most of that to myself because - 1. I am not a trained therapist 2. I have never even talked to you. That said I will offer a few opinions and some basic advice.

You mention you are in your mid 20s - that is great that you are looking at this issue now - many of the trans-women on this site are middle age including me. It is so much better to figure out who the real you is now than 20 or 30 years from now - whether you are Trans / CD / non conforming - whatever - life is much more fulfilling living as you and not what you think the world wants you to be. Do not turn back. Face this now!! - You will be much happier and better off if you do so now - believe me - this is advice you really should follow.

My thoughts regarding your sexual arousal - I want to tread very lightly here because it is a much debated topic. I at one time had similar thoughts that it was just some sort of sexual fetish - (there is a name for it - you can PM me if you want it)- the theory is widely debunked which is why I choose not to name it here. However I thought that was my issue - turns out that at least for me through some therapy I came to accept that it was merely a coping mechanism for accepting my gender dysphoria GD. Maybe that's just me - not saying it is true for you - again - I am not a therapist - it is just one possible reason.

The most important thing is not - how you smell - how your body is built - what you fantasize about in bed. What really matters is WHO you are - find a good therapist - someone that you like the way they think - not that they agree with you - but you like their thought process - if you dont click with the first one - then find another one. But find the right therapist for YOU - and then figure out who YOU are. Don't wait until you are a middle aged TS like me - although I am glad I am doing it now instead of never. Your life can be so much better but you need to do the work. Good Luck.

[SmoothMoose]

no not implying anything.. not even a little
lots of history that has nothing to do with you

i guess all new posters have to face the forums past

OK good.. I do understand. I used to be a moderator on a fairly big gaming forum and I absolutely know the kind of stuff that can go on... this is mostly why I don't bother with forums now! I came on here and saw a post with moderators saying "don't complain about your post count going down" and was just like some things never change haha.

But yeah, I do understand that it must be frustrating if people do come on here and make things up, etc, just to get a reaction or whatever. Not a lot that can be done about that I guess... about from better parenting haha!

bottom line is that
hard work, therapy, patience, perseverance, willingness to feel very uncomfortable and risk losing alot
thats how you know which is which..

and guess what....you may never be certain which is which... its not all black and white

you have tons of ideas in your head, i would bet lots of them are not really constructive
distinctions you make that dont matter for example...especially about sex...

depending on your level of distress, you'll gravitate towards your true nature but only if you are willing to take real steps..
one comment you made in Op about accepting you are not 100% male makes it feel to me that you very very early in all of this... and there is frankly no reason to beleive you are transsexual unless you are feeling down deep that you are female...
and not just wishing you could wear the clothes

get an appointment with a therapist...bring a note of what you wrote on this forum..
you cant avoid the hard work no matter how rubbish you think the therapists are.

Yeah, I get it. Thanks for that. I am very very early in all of this haha. I just don't know what to feel. It honestly is more than just wearing the clothes. If I just felt like I wanted to wear the clothes then that'd be fine! I'd do it! That's perfectly OK and who cares if anyone thinks that's weird. Even if I just wanted to wear the clothes as a sexual thing. But I honestly think it's a bit more than that, I don't JUST want to wear the clothes, I want a feminine body, I want to see myself and see a female body......... and after just typing that I had to stop myself going back and changing it to "I sometimes want a feminine body", "I sometimes want to see myself and see a female body"..... maybe I still feel shameful about my feelings somehow, maybe I still don't fully accept transsexualism as a thing in general... never mind myself... I'm gonna look into it more, I think I need to challenge my beliefs about what being transexual actually means before I can decide on whether it relates to me or not. I've heard there's some good books out there. Then if I still feel like it's needed, I'll look into therapists.

Hi, I have lots of guesses and opinions on your post and where life is leading you - I will keep most of that to myself because - 1. I am not a trained therapist 2. I have never even talked to you. That said I will offer a few opinions and some basic advice.

You mention you are in your mid 20s - that is great that you are looking at this issue now - many of the trans-women on this site are middle age including me. It is so much better to figure out who the real you is now than 20 or 30 years from now - whether you are Trans / CD / non conforming - whatever - life is much more fulfilling living as you and not what you think the world wants you to be. Do not turn back. Face this now!! - You will be much happier and better off if you do so now - believe me - this is advice you really should follow.

My thoughts regarding your sexual arousal - I want to tread very lightly here because it is a much debated topic. I at one time had similar thoughts that it was just some sort of sexual fetish - (there is a name for it - you can PM me if you want it)- the theory is widely debunked which is why I choose not to name it here. However I thought that was my issue - turns out that at least for me through some therapy I came to accept that it was merely a coping mechanism for accepting my gender dysphoria GD. Maybe that's just me - not saying it is true for you - again - I am not a therapist - it is just one possible reason.

The most important thing is not - how you smell - how your body is built - what you fantasize about in bed. What really matters is WHO you are - find a good therapist - someone that you like the way they think - not that they agree with you - but you like their thought process - if you dont click with the first one - then find another one. But find the right therapist for YOU - and then figure out who YOU are. Don't wait until you are a middle aged TS like me - although I am glad I am doing it now instead of never. Your life can be so much better but you need to do the work. Good Luck.

Thank you so much for that! I think I have heard of that controversial sexual fetish theory actually haha, from the bit of research I've done, I don't buy it either. Whatever I may be! It's really interesting to hear that you had a similar kind of experience and it actually was GD. Well... I guess the fact that I'm even questioning all of this indicates some level of GD, but you get what I mean. But as you say, doesn't necessarily mean anything either way for me... just comforts me knowing that I'm not crazy to consider that as a possibility haha. The smell thing was kind of just mentioning how I think I have some symptoms of low T. In my 20s... that's a bit worrying haha. So was kind of debating if low T could make me feel more feminine or something anyway. I think everyone took it the wrong way and assumed that I was saying "MY ARMPITS DON'T SMELL - I THINK I'M A GIRL".... but wasn't what I intended lol. Thanks for your message, lots of hard work ahead I feel!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I "suffered" from that sex feeling... it drove me nuts and caused me to feel very ashamed and anxious... it became a compulsion for many years..
it caused my first therapist to engage what turned out to be a horrible horrible set of experiences...she treated the whole thing like a sex addiction...
suffice to say, it sucked. and it didnt really go away as much as got melded into part of my sexuality...it was something i had to accept and overcome to realize what i was and do what was best for me

I think you got alot of good feedback i hope it helps

[Lauren B]

one thing to remember...this is about YOU... thats why the private time with a therapist is so valuable... if you are transsexual its hard to trust what goes in your own head sometimes...i found that out but not until my 40's!!! lol

I can't agree with this more. So many of my "thoughts" on the subject were really just cognitive distortions created by years of shame, denial, and repression. It took YEARS of working with two very skilled, talented, and compassionate therapists to finally get to the bottom of everything and be at peace with who I am. It was money and time so well spent.

[KymberlyOct]

Sorry, had to reply again, not just for your benefit but those reading as well. Research is great - I did and do a lot of it. It can help you sort your thoughts out. This forum can be very helpful also - but use your judgment on who you put your confidence in regarding their thoughts . opinions / suggestions. make sure what they say rings true with you and seems to come from experience and is well thought out. While well wishes are nice and we all need them - good advice and thought provoking questions are the most useful. I have always found Kaitlyn who is also replying on this thread to be very helpful and insightful and she has lived all of this already - I am early in my transition but I feel that I have enough experience to be helpful to those in the early stages of sorting this out.

But even with your own research and the experience of some of us on this forum I cannot insist how important therapists are in transition. I am lukewarm regarding therapists for most things in life - such as I am depressed - I am stressed - this that or the other thing. Most of their approaches are Freudian based. The big difference with GD and possible transition is that there are many components to this and I think that it is very important to have a live person sitting in front of you that is trained and experienced to help you sort through this and also explore the path that you wish to proceed. Also if you ultimately do decide to transition at some point you would need approvals / letters from them for things such as hrt ( hormones ) or SRS/GRS - genital surgery. Even if you eventually do that or don't this is a part of life that therapy REALLY makes sense regardless of your overall opinion of therapy in general. In short GET A THERAPIST !!!! LOL. But really please do so - you seem to indicate enough gender issues that I strongly recommend that you find a therapist to help you navigate this road. But make sure it is a therapist that works with trans-gender people - at least a significant portion of their patient base. OK I am off my soap box.