Coping with GD

[Shy_Confusion]

I haven't posted on here in forever. I hope this is the right forum. If it's not, I apologize. If it's taken down or moved, I would greatly appreciate PM from the mod.

My life has, in short, become my own personal hell. I'm often anxious or sad for no reason or for the tiniest thing. I've become a complete recluse outside of work. I've become massively depressed about either being female in a male body or being male with an overwhelming female side trying to break out. I've tried repressing the female side, which makes me despondent to the point of borderline suicidal. I've tried letting it out in small doses, but it made me hate myself when I crash back into "male mode". I tried writing in a diary to cope or find answers and I felt terrible. I did gender therapy every other week for 6 months, but it didn't feel like I was getting anywhere except broke paying a lot for someone to say "Well, what do you think?". I used to have a bunch of hobbies that helped me ignore what I call "The Problem", but all of my hobbies became new frustrations. I'm not really coping well with things in general just surviving and trying to make it through.

For a long time I was reluctant to even admit that I was suffering Gender Dysphoria or I was just in denial about it, but I think it's pretty clear that's what I'm struggling with.

Honestly? I'm pretty desperate for any advice right now.

[Marcelle]

Hi there,

Your post resonated well with my own current situation and I know the dark place you can get to. My number one suggestion is not to do this alone . . . if you have friends who know reach out and surround yourself with folks . . . believe me this will help. The chaos can get very noisy in your in head and it is hard to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I realize you have done the therapy thing but I would make a few observations about therapy. Not all therapists are created equal and while some say they understand GD that could just be a cursory understanding and not an in-depth knowledge. Was your therapist a specialist (i.e., gender identity issues) or were they a generalist? The other thing about therapy is that they are not going to give you the answers and all the deflection "what do you think" is designed to allow you to be introspective. Sometimes the answers you want to hear are already answered in your mind, you just have to come to this realization. It is not an easy thing to admit to yourself you are this or that or that you need to do x, y and z then go out and do it. Therapy is about self-exploration and unless you are willing to do that . . . just saying you may get nothing out of it. I am not implying this is your case . . . just saying I have seen therapy fail for this reason.

WRT what you are going through now . . . friends . . . seek them out. Being alone is not the answer. I just went through a bad spell and it was two close friends that pulled me out of the void. If you don't have friends who know, then just hang with friends and do things that make you happy. IMHO a lot of the confusion comes about due to self-denial (we are the hardest person to accept this in ourselves) sometimes just admitting to yourself that you are TS, TG or just a guy who likes to dress up now and then and, allowing yourself to explore that avenue . . . is cathartic and allows you a small brighter step forward.

Cheers

Marcelle

[jentay1367]

Yu don't mention your age or marital status or whether or not children are involved. All that information will help people here that may offer advice. No one is an island and all those factors will affect how you might proceed. You might add some of those points to get more helpful information.

[Shy_Confusion]

Yu don't mention your age or marital status or whether or not children are involved. All that information will help people here that may offer advice. No one is an island and all those factors will affect how you might proceed. You might add some of those points to get more helpful information.

Whoops. Sorry. I posted this after a long sleepless night staring at the ceiling. I recently turned 39. Never been married and no kids (luckily), but I'm really close to my parents and 3 brothers.
Does that help?

[JanePeterson]

"coping" with GD was never going to work for me... in my case it felt like trying to cope with being on fire, or cope with having a mountain lion waiting to eat me every time i looked in the mirror. Have you considered the possibility of transition? what would that process look like for you - i don't mean to sound scary or say that transition is right, but if you have GD... other than "coping" its really the only way back into the light.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lots of good advice above


You have to start expressing yourself more and feeling what that is like...
you have to get out and meet people in the real world and express this part of you .... and be thoughtful about what you learn...

Marcelle is SOOO right.... be open to whoever you are...

when i lived by myself after the divorce, i spent every possible moment "dressed" .... i lived totally as a man but when i was alone in my apt, i dressed... and over time, i felt the need to go out and start to "exist"...
I started going to the mall, the market....hilariously, i had kids and i was placating my ex by not shaving all my body hair.... so i'd wear like 4 pairs of panty hose under my jean skirt....LOL>....EVEN IN SUMMER!!! what a loser!!

anyway......i finally told my ex sorry, not gonna happen, and started lasering off the hair....all through this i was going out, meeting people...and tried to be very open
i took ALOT of time to consider all this and in the end I found myself transitioning... I felt like i couldnt survive ....it really felt that bad and it was totally and completely obvious what i needed to do(transition)
and i just kind of noticed I had taken steps and prepared well for transition.... it really felt like autopilot....i look back and cant beleive i did it!!!

for many years i simply felt "what can i do???" i had built up a male life, i was stuck... getting out was impossible..
but that changed
i could do something about it..

you can do something about it..you live alone, what is stopping you ?
What do you want to happen?

if you can answer those questions thats a good start!!!

[KellyJameson]

" IF " you are TS you were born this way and there is nothing you can do to " Undo it"

You can suppress your natural self and pretend to be a man but that takes tremendous energy and because it is fear based behavior it means anxiety will always travel along with the pretending to be what you are not out of the fear of being found out and failing.

Here is a you tube link of someone who has successfully transitioned that you may find helpful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pb-19UChmPY

Shame is another companion of GD. Women are almost universally denigrated as the weaker sex. This message is pounded into all males growing up and to do anything feminine or be feminine is to be weak.( a lessor person )

A man that transitions in the mind of many men is a man that could not make the grade. You will have many negative messages about women that you have been programmed to believe. To than identify as a woman is to invite self loathing. Acting or being feminine triggers a shame response.

In my opinion the only way to transition successfully is 100% complete self acceptance of who and what you are. Anything less and you will be to crippled to face the most daunting challenge of your life.

It is a commitment to work on yourself at every level and in every way imaginable. The hormones, electrolysis and surgery are actually the easy parts. Expensive but easy compared to what your mind must face and overcome.

And the work continues years after transitioning.

Start with your health. No addictions. No junk food. Exercise. Have career goals.

Work, work and more work. Work on every facet of you and your life.

You must want the best life for yourself that is imaginable and than go for it and do not let anything get in the way.

Look for healthy mentors out in the world that have transitioned successfully.

If their voice and stories resonate with you than you will find your answers.

[Rogina B]

The "maleness" goes through some of us like hot needles.

[Brooklyn]

Shy, you also should work on is getting out of your severe depression to the extent you can right now. Are your gender issues really causing all this sadness, or is it something else? Your physician may be able to put you on anti-depressants for now so you can have a clearer head as you sort out the dysphoria. And don't be a recluse! Get out of the house and go be around some other people.

[Shy_Confusion]

I can not express how appreciative I am of everyone that took the time to put enough thought and effort into replying.

The "maleness" goes through some of us like hot needles.

THIS! So much this.
But also fear, shame, and a lot of confusing feelings and ideas.
But mostly fear. I'm honestly terrified.

[HelenR2]

Shy
I am by no means any kind of expert but it sounds like depression is driving your GD, not the other way around. Free your mind, your ass will follow.

[MzAlexis]

Maybe I shouldn't be posting in here? If so Mod's please remove.. I'm not a MTF, though I am gender dysphoric, and I can say there was a point where I was very close to committing suicide over it all. Guilt, Fear, Depression and at the time a Wife who was a sociopath who used and exploited every bit of it... But that was over 10 years ago, and I've learned a lot since then. The biggest thing is that there is nothing wrong with you and your gender however you express it, and it's Ok for you to be Ok with yourself because it is the rest of society that has the issue. Male and Female are not islands but two point on a line with infinite points and you don't have to Identify with either or you can Identify with both or any point in-between however you choose. For me ~ I live as a man (definitely not passable as anything else), but express and embrace my feminine side in private, though I am out with my family. I also have (and am currently) taking hormones, not to transition but because I don't like being full of testosterone and find that with it alone I feel much of the anxiety and self dislike that you have written about. Now I'm not advocating you doing anything without the advice of a doctor and proper medical care, but instead advocating accepting yourself ~ all of you wherever that puts you, you're not alone and to be honest being outside of the "Normal" gender binaries is really not a curse, but instead it's a gift if you allow it to be. And if it leads to you Transitioning Great! But even if it doesn't know that you can have the best of both worlds and know and experience things that most cis-gendered people will never be able to see or perceive. God Bless you!