When confusion strikes.

[Samantha_Smile]

Hi everyone.
I've decided to share this here as well as my blog because I can almost guarantee some kind of dialogue from you folks where as my blog is less reliable for this.
I mainly keep it for posterity (and vanity LOL)

But the following is a copy and paste (not a link to, as per admin request) of my latest blog entry.
Im not even sure if this is the right section for this kind of post, but I'm going to just run with it and hope.

Here goes;



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So most of you know me as Samantha, the crossdresser/transvestite.
It's been a facet of my identity for some 20 years or more.
Like many I would steal, hide and lie my way to a compulsion I did notfully understand.
Through childhood there was shame, guilt and denial.
When I started to buy my own female clothes the guilt and lies (to my, now, wife) ended, and then shame fell off too. I started to feel less
grim about my gender presentation.
I'm still lying and for the most part I'm still hiding, just not in my own home now.
And life was good this way. I've spoken before of the freedoms agreed with my wife, so I won't go into detail.

But lately, I've begun to recognise feelings. Some have always been present but never meant anything by themselves and perhaps worse,
I never added them up. Some feelings are new though, and some old feelings have evolved or are evolving.
And it's the combination of these old and new feelings, now added up, that make me question my gender, the one that I present to the
world every day.
I'm questioning if I need to pursue transition as the answer I never knew I needed.
It's the feeling's, described above, I am going to discuss here.

I've always felt different.
Yeah, I know we're all beautiful, unique snowflakes, but I never felt that I was normal at my core.
I've always felt like a freak. Even with my best friends, I don't feel that I am 'like' them.
We share the usual roots of solid friendships (shared interests, history, care for one another), but I never ever feel I belong. Never did.
After years of living this way, I began to assume that this is how everyone feels, but they just never talk about it. But the closer I get to
my friends, the less I believe this to be the case.
The only person I don't feel like this around is my wife. I shared this with her over the weekend in a heartbreaking wave of emotions in
the second long talk we had this last week about why I believe I could be transgendered.

I've always hated the classical male characteristics of my body.
That is to say, I've always disliked my body hair, facial hair, I hate that my scalp hair is thinning. But again, I knew that everyone hates
things about themselves, but they don't really talk about them (at least men don't) and I thought this to be an aspect of self loathing.
(Another reason I never linked this to crossdressing was that I have never hated my penis, and nor do I today. It brings me and my my
wife a great deal of enjoyment, and it was my assumption that all trans women hate their penis.)
But as time moves on, I find that I'm disliking more and more of my own outward male reflection in the mirror. My jaw and chin, my nose
and my brow being the worst offenders. I want bigger hips, I'm getting breast envy. I'm noticing myself seeing the shape of boobs under
the clothing of women in the street/at work/everywhere and thinking
"I want that, I want to be like her". I am aware these are not typical cis male thoughts, which leads me to question myself.
I am either indifferent or disliking of how I look as a male. But when I present as a woman, I feel good about myself, I actually like how I look.
(I still dislike my male aspects and characteristics, but I feel about 80% better about it).

Dealing with depression.
I've been through depression. The worst time was due to external triggers (money, environment, work/home life balance) and that was cured
when all of those factors changed for the better.
But even after sorting my life out, I still feel like something is still not right, something inside me.
When I wrote earlier about my friends and how I don't truly feel like them, I feel like a facet of this is linked somehow with depression.
Like the two are intertwined in a 'chicken and the egg' conundrum. (Did the depression cause the feelings of being different, or did those
feelings cause the depression). I can't pinpoint when the feelings started, but I definitely had them throughout highschool.
Now I begin to wonder if those feelings and the depression are markers for internal conflict.
I've never hidden the fact that crossdressing and presenting female are not a sexual or fetishistic act for me (It was, when I was a kid, but that
has faded with time. Generally if I'm presenting as a woman and I feel aroused, it's likely that I would have been aroused just the same in drab).
For as long as I've been buying my own clothes and talking time and effort in my presentation, I have been dressing for me. Dressing to make
myself feel better, like a crutch for the stress I live(d) under. A coping mechanism to deal with life.
And that's how I had always accepted crossdressing in my life.
But as I find less and less of my masculine traits to be acceptable and as I see more and more everyday women that I instantly get jealous of,
I have to question why this is.
I question how much of my depression is linked with my transgenderism.
Because like my depression, the white noise of dysphoria is silenced when I'm having fun or am otherwise distracted, but once I'm resting or
otherwise idling, the noise is right there waiting to turn up the volume again. Same with alcohol and other intoxicants, I could always feel better
in depression with some social lubricants. Only for it to return once I'm sober again. The same is true of my questioning internal monologue.

Envy
The 6th deadly sin. (OMG did my catholic up-bringing show, there?)
I've brushed over this, but I feel like it deserves attention, because of all the new feelings I've realised in the last few months, this is the strongest.
I'd previously discounted envy as a symptom of being transgender (ie needing hormones and 24/7 living) due to something I read on a forum
(can't remember which one) a long time ago. A particular user was asking about breast implants for crossdressing, which in honesty, I recognise
to be a wrong move for a CD who wants to live mainly as male. The user spoke of 'boob envy' and how they longed for real breasts.
One of the replies to that person was something to the effect of.
"Every crossdresser in a low-cut dress wants boobs"
And with that, my thoughts of Envy=Transgender were shot down.
I've had boob envy for a while. But recently, a deeper form of Envy or jealousy has sprung to life. It's no longer mere aesthetic parts like
hair, nails, makeup, bigger hips and breasts. While these are aspects I wish were mine, (which is why I attempt to emulate most of it when I dress),
but now I feel like I want more.
Wishing I could be like any other woman on the street just going about her business. Being jealous of women's place in the world and how
they are treated never used to be an issue. And here's the crux of my issue, I'm aware that women are proverbially shit on constantly,
whether in their salary, their place in society, or are viewed as inferior when they earn positions of authority or power...
But I'm still envious of being able to live a life that is authentically female, despite the limitations and inconveniences that it brings.
Even for the sake of going into Primark looking around in the womens section, picking up a basket full of stuff, trying it on, buying it
and nobody batting an eye.
Going to a Mac counter and having my makeup done in public and picking up a few things while I'm there, and nobody would stare.
And yeah, even down to waking up in a morning with bin-mouth (breath) and having my hair a mess and mascara smeared across my
face and pillow before having to go shower to rinse and repeat.
I used to think that envy was wanting something beautiful, and to an extent it still is.
But I'm begining to think that wanting to be beautiful has more to do with envy than anything I previously knew
(but that just might be another deadly sin manifested as vanity).

-----------------

I kept the feelings from my wife for a couple of months as I didn't want to go to her with fleeting ideas, it would only upset her and
I would lose her trust and respect if my mind changed. But it didn't, it stayed the same.
Nagging me.
Relief sought in distraction as normal, and this worked , but only until the distraction was gone.

Last Thursday (today is Wednesday), I needed to make the guilt stop.
The last 5 days since I came home from work after breaking down in tears on the job have been a mess.

I'm not pouring out the details of my marriage on the internet for all to see, but I think it's enough to say that we're still together,
we still want children, neither of us wants to lose the other.

The hardest thing is that I'm still looking for answers as she begins to look for them and this creates uncertainty for our future.
A future I believe my wife is mourning. Because worst case scenario for our marriage is that I need to go and live as a woman, and
my wife isn't attracted to women.
And I have to accept that.
Many tears have been cried, many words have been spoken, much alcohol has been consumed. And all of the above will come in
greater amounts in the future, I'm sure.

After some discussion with my wife in the last few days, I went to my GP yesterday morning and asked for a referral to a GIC and to a
psych. who has some kind of background in gender therapy.

My GP was lovely, asking about how I and my wife are doing, how I'm likely to feel better for taking this step and how she admired me
for my bravery in taking action to find my answers. She assured me she would send the referral to a GIC (either Sheffield or Leeds) and
that she would speak to local psych. Doctors about possible counselling/assessment for the interim period (the waiting time for GIC
appointments, as of August this year is 86 weeks).

Also last night, my wife and I went to a local trans support group. Mainly due to my wife's request to attend such a thing, she needs
answers as much, if not more than I do.
It was nice to see other trans people in the world, but I was so nervous and the group was so small, it felt awkward. I might go back,
we shall see.
It didn't really give me any sort of clue to an ultimate answer of any sort. But I know they are there there and, really, that's sort of
enough for now.

I'm still really confused. I don't know what any of this means anymore.
I am not a typical crossdresser, I know this for sure. I am transgender, I also know this for sure.
What I don't know any more is where I sit on the spectrum of TG identity.
Am I in need of transition to cure the internal struggle? Or is it possible that coming out as Non-binary/Gender Fluid to my family
and friends may help by allowing my feminine self to be a bigger part of my life in general?

Any advice, comments or questions are welcome as always.

TTFN
Samantha -x-

[DIANEF]

Hi Samantha, I read your story with great interest. First off, I have to admit I have limited knowledge of TG issues, Like most of the girls on the forum I'm your common or garden cross-dresser, of course there are some who would apply other designations to themselves. It sounds like you have a very supportive and loving partner, would that love survive your transitioning? It does sometimes happen. Obviously counselling will be a big help, although it seems a hell of a wait to talk to someone (86 weeks!) and much can change in that time. I too had a catholic upbringing, what I did was sinful (they said) but it never stopped me. As I've said I am a cross dresser, but there have been times when I've thought, wow, I could stay like this forever and its an almost physical yearning to be someone else. someone feminine. attractive and confident. You'll get much more informed answers on here than I can give you, but I wish you all the best.
Diane x

[Allisa]

I can relate to many of your statements up to the marriage part, never married, but have had long term relations but I believe my over compensation for my femme side drove a wedge between us. I like that you have realized you may be Gender Fluid(I'm not a medical professional)maybe transitioning is for you but please wait for counseling. On a personal slant I am older and losing friends and even family has been a growing apart process so coming out was really no drastic event. I have found a way of life that suits me i.e. I live as a woman 95% on the weekends(not just CDing) and during long off periods from work, I can say from my own personal experience that alcohol or other mind altering substances are not healthy and not the answer. This gender subject is so binary to the masses yet here we are in the middle questioning our very being. I hope you can find peace of mind and your place in this world. I believe we are blessed with our Fluidity yet it feels as a curse many times. Many good wishes on your journey.

[Nikki.]

This would be a great thread for the new forum. Maybe a mod can move it once that area is open to posting?

anyhoo, you aren't alone sister. I too identify with much of what you wrote....seeing the woman you wished you could be out and about, and for me the angst that I'm not. I too never had anger over my male bits, but looking at my male face and the limitations it imposes makes me sigh. I also understand the boob and hip envy Sometimes the feelings are very strong, sometimes they're low level, and very occasionally they aren't present at all and I couldn't care less.

I think where I'd like to end up is in the ambiguous middle...able to present and live as either gender as desired. I have a feeling that if I transitioned, I'd probably have angst or discontent over losing my maleness, since I don't believe I'm TS.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, stuck in the middle with you?

[Dana44]

As a gender fluid person, I completely identify with this. You may be gender fluid and have a heavy case of dysphoria. Nobody ever understands gender fluid and what we go through. You have put a good description in your blog. We do struggle to keep our male side.

[Teresa]

Samantha,
I would say you have your thoughts about right , you know it's more than just CDing, some have commented that you could be genderfluid, I can relate to many things you say, including the depression. dealing with the aspects of being TG can lead to that but at least you have the support of your wife, hopefully with her help you can get through this.
We do differ on a few points, my CDing is still partly sexual and I'm bi-gender, my feelings don't ebb and flow it's a continuous gut feeling or need , in some respects perhaps that's better, rather than waiting for the next CDing need to come along. My depression stemmed from the time when I came out to my wife some twenty years ago, I felt rejected and unloved so I spiralled down to where I nearly ended my life, I don't feel I've recovered from that 100% because now I still struggle with depression at times, CDing is great lift in that respect because I chose not to take medication, I've been there and done that and found the side effects as much of a problem as the cure they offer.

Please try and give the group a try, I enjoy my social group it gives a meaning to my CDing and it has helped with my wife's acceptance.

I'm going to suggest you are TG with GD, many of us hate or prefer not to have certain male traits but like you I don't wish to lose my male parts, being bi-gender means I want a relationship with a woman, both the male and female side of me.

[gina shiney]

Yes I think more than a few will be able to identify with the bulk of your post, I know that I can bar the envy.
There are a more than a few 'good to try and understand' reads on this site, and I am trying to get through one at the moment (well a link to one) but it is hard going emotionally as one can identify with more than thought.
You are further that me as I don't know what I am, just what I am not.
I can admire all whom can bare their feelings with words that resonate, and to be able to once written not delete in a fit of confusion.
Oh for an education. To be able to type with more than one finger without the hunt and peck and the time agonizing over each word I can just hope.
Thank you for sharing. Gina

[Tina_gm]

Hi Samantha. While there are many "just crossdressers" here I believe that there are a significant number of us, won't say half or more, although I think it might be that feel similar feelings as you do. I feel it, a variation of what you wrote.

Although I don't see myself as a candidate for transition, at least not in the full physical sense, I know my cross dressing is due to internal or core femininity. It doesn't just come and go based on what I am wearing. As time goes on, my personal acceptance of myself has led me further down the rabbit hole. Initially I thought I just needed to dress once in awhile. I have discovered that my femininity is rooted deeper than what I wear. It is a part of who I am regardless of clothing. Regardless of who I am with or what I am doing.

I have many reasons why I am not looking to transition. Yet, there is an internal part of me that is simply not male. I don't go so far as to say female, but the femininity that is me is more aligned with most females. The leap to transition for me seems to me just to great. But if I have to accept how I am as a person and could go back in time and choose my gender, there is a good chance I would choose female. That may or may not make sense. But that is how I feel.

[Nikki.]

Mutt, lately I've been hung up on the idea that when I was a boy I wanted to be a girl, but I never believed I was a girl. and when I became a man, I've often wanted to be a woman, but I've never believed I was a woman, though I think my gender identity is somewhere in between. I think Which in a binary world, with a mind that finds discrete objective answers comforting, isn't. like you wrote, down the rabbit hole.

[CONSUELO]

Samantha,

You are very brave and I congratulate your openness and honesty. I read your blog entry with great interest. What you said about disliking the male characteristics that you see in yourself and longing for a more feminine look resonated with me. I too find that I don't fit in easily with my friends. It is as if to do so requires me to hide a vital part of what I truly am. It is very disconcerting and can lead to depression as you have described.

You have done two big things that I believe are right for you. First you have thought it through very well and your post shows that. Second you have sought help and in the right place. If I could I would reach out and give you a great big hug as you deserve it. I hope that you can keep telling us about your progress. My best wishes to you and your wife. She sounds wonderful by the way for even as she is facing some big issues she is not responding with anger and rejection.

[DIANEF]

Further to what I posted in this thread, I realise many people have gender issues, and my phrase about common or garden cross-dressers was probably poorly worded. There is almost certainly no such thing, we all have different issues and different ways of dealing with them. No offence to anyone intended.
Diane.

[Samantha_Smile]

Thanks for the responses everyone.
It's still early days, I know this, but I feel good about the future again since having the long talks with my wife.
My wife and I have decided to try and integrate my female identity as a more frequently present figure around the house.
She has given her permission for me to shave my legs (she previously viewed my leg hair as a last bastion of masculinity when naked/going to bed) which I did at first opportunity, and her response has been good
We are also more dead set on me being able to go out for a night as Samantha (Trans nights only) to feel better, like Im not hiding.
She also wants me to get a 'proper' wig - human hair, lace front. She likes my colour choices but says (and I agree) that nylon just doesnt look like hair. 'spensive!
And whats more, weve been discussing opening a dialogue on this with my parents.... Eeek!
And even more, I want to get laser started soon, this would benefit me either if I look for transition, or I stay GenderFluid - my wife prefers me clean shaven, and I wont be a daily slave to gilettes pricing

Thankyou all for your input.
Keep it coming xx

[ellbee]

Hi Samantha,

Thanks for sharing your blog entry!


It sounds like you're taking some good steps in all this.


And your journey might not be easy sometimes, but remember to always be true to yourself.

[TrulyMe]

Hi Samantha,

A great post; so much of what you wrote chimes with me. I also enjoyed your blog and am so pleased to hear that your conversation with parents went well. Best of luck on your journey.