I told my GF

[Jessicaa]

I am back, A couple months ago I came here asking for advice on telling my girlfriend. I told her. She directly said "Its me or the cross dressing" even after I told her she didnt need to have any part of it. I know it must have been extremely hard for her to hear and her reaction is somewhat understandable but I dont know how I feel about it. I have told her and she knew how much I trust her and how much I love her, I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this. Im baffled to say this least and extremely hurt.

Ultimately I told her I would try and stop but after years of dressing and purging I dont know if I can. What should I do? What would you do? I love her and want to be with her but cross dressing is also a part of my life. This is such a horrible situation to be in.

[Jenniferathome]

I think the answer is simple. You will not and can not "quit." It's unrealistic to think you can ignore this part of
you. Your only answer can be," I love you but this is part of me."

[RADER]

I agree with Jennifer, Ether she loves you, all of you, or she does not.
If you think you will be able to quit, think again, Dressing is part of you,
It does not go away like having a cold.
If you give it up, (dressing) and stay with her, later on when you try to
return to dressing, there will be some anger issues for sure. I am sure you
do not want to go through life being miserable. Life is to short for you to
be like that for the rest of your life.
Maybe it was a good thing you found out now; at least you can start looking
for someone else.
It took me 15 years to find the rite girl, and she was OK with my dressing.
Life is so much happier when your SO is OK with your Dressing.
Rader

[Micki_Finn]

It sounds like a tough situation. I'm not about to say that she's wrong because her feelings are her feelings. I do however find it concerning that she flat out gave you the ultimatum right off the bat. Not sure how much discussion took place before she came to that but from the tone of your post it doesn't sound like much. You might be more invested in this relationship than she is. You need to find your own happiness. If that's going to be your GF or if that's going to be your dressing, you're the only one who can tell. I know that there may be a tendency to try to hold onto your "safe" relationship because "who would want to date a crossdresser?" Right? But let me tell you that the world is a very different place than it was 20 years ago. If you look through these forums you'll see A ton of stories of accepting and supportive (or at least DADT ok) SOs. So don't feel like she's your only chance for a relationship. Here's to hoping you both find your Way.

[Alice_2014_B]

I think the answer is simple. You will not and can not "quit." It's unrealistic to think you can ignore this part of
you. Your only answer can be," I love you but this is part of me."

Exactly it!
Not something one can just up and quit by choice.

[phili]

My wife of 30 years did a lot of 'I can't live with this' which was along the lines of hinting/threatening 'I'll leave you'. Did a lot of thinking about it and the unfortunate part is that it really means that I am a
'man object' to her to a large degree. The gender binary tends to create a large amount of gender objectification, and we are in a sense reflecting that by trying to capture back parts of ourselves by adopting the clothing and externals allowed for women. It is not at all unusual to love someone who doesn't actually love you, and it is at times like this that you find out. She may also be negotiating- to see how deep this runs in you, and may rethink her position once you explain that it is a matter of identity- as tangled as it may be in externals normally reserved for women. Show her the movie The Mask You Live in" free on the computer- and have a talk about how it relates to your life. THere is a companion video about MissRepresetation, about the awful focus on appearance for women, and these powerful films can help people start to think about the deals with the devil they have made, and be more sympathetic.

[Rachel Morley]

I am kind of surprised how she could easily just up and leave over this.

That's what I was thinking. If she truly loves you as you say you do her, then why wouldn't she at least want to "learn more about what makes her partner tick". But to be fair, I think that most women's initial reactions are based upon their upbringing, sense of values, religious beliefs, attitude and tolerance to others etc etc. It could be that is is ok with CDing (if it's not in her back yard) but emotionally she might not be ready to have this in her life (yet). Talk more with her and be patient, maybe things will improve over time. Here's a couple of links to older threads that might help.

How to tell your partner
Accepting GGs, what makes us different?

[sometimes_miss]

But to be fair, I think that most women's initial reactions are based upon their upbringing, sense of values, religious beliefs, attitude and tolerance to others etc etc.

^I don't think it's usually based on any of that at all (it might contribute to not liking it, but the base repulsion to MTF crossdressing I think it's rooted deeper than that. That some women are simply so sexually turned off by the idea of a feminized male that they simply cannot even consider the possibility of dating or marrying one of us. I understand this, because I feel the very same way about the idea of sex with a male. It's simply out of the question entirely. While I as a MTF crossdresser might be able to tolerate a woman who sometimes wishes to go the whole nine yards and dress up entirely in male clothes, talk like a male, walk like a male, and try to emulate a male, it would be a tremendous turn off for me, especially if she wanted to have sex dressed that way; I don't think I could 'function'. I'd be willing to try, but I really don't know if I could do it.

So, I understand where they're coming from when they say that they wouldn't ever consider it.

For Jessicaa, next time, test the waters first. First establish what she thinks about all the TG folks. Then, if that's ok, maybe the next step might be to see if NIMBY is in place, like if she ever dated anyone who was maybe bi. Then, if thatls ok, maybe try, "I used to be a crossdresser" as a last chance stopgap statement to see how she feels about THAT. If that passes muster, at a later date you can see if you can get away with telling her that you really, really feel the need to dress up 'a little', and ask if there's any way she would let you do it to allow you to de-stress.
At least, that's how I'd do it if I could do it all over again. But as it turned out, it wouldn't have mattered anyway, as my ex simply wouldn't tolerate it in any case at all.

Just some thoughts.

[Laurana]

You're surprised? Really? You've at best been keeping a huge secret from her and at worst lying outright. Most women don't want a man in a dress. Some do.

Then again she is just a girlfriend and not a spouse.

[Lorileah]

Then again she is just a girlfriend and not a spouse.

Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?

I agree with the trust issue. I agree that the SO has learned things they need to work through. I also say that love doesn't see the shell, it sees the heart. But that is something one has to learn because we, as a society, have been taught to base our "love" on the physical. I do think telling her was the right move as it exposed things that are better in the open (on both sides of the fence) rather than painting over them for years and having the base rot away under a veneer. I hope things work out

[Laurana]

Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?

Yes it would. If she wanted out and they were married things could get really ugly. At least with her just being a girlfriend they don't need to get lawyers involved.

[Krisi]

Now that's sympathy for you. So life would suck worse if they were married?...........

Yep, big time. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment. Marriage often involves children and a home. It often involves in-laws and a large extended family. Breaking up a marriage is costly, both emotionally and financially. It usually doesn't end well for the male, especially if there are children.

The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is a test for compatibility. Both parties are trying to decide if the other one is someone they want to live with for the rest of their lives.

If there is going to be a breakup, it's far better for it to happen in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage than in the marriage. It may suck, but not as much as it will after a divorce when you're living in a refrigerator box under the Interstate.

[Tina_gm]

1st, welcome to life outside the bubble. Second, for some of the replies, as well as the OP, we, by not coming out right at the beginning were basically creating a false image of ourselves. They fell in love with who YOU pretended to be. ALL of that person you showed yourself to be, at the time. Change the rules, change the game and then get upset they don't want to play..... WE trick them into falling in love with someone who we really are not then get upset because they do not like this person you really are. In time maybe she will come to see you as you are and be a little more ok with it. Some do, some don't. But don't blame it all on her for not accepting you, you weren't who you you pretended to be in the 1st place.

[FrankieB]

Time for both of you to evaluate what this relationship means to each of you.
And CDing? Harmless compared to things that some others are into.
And at least you had the honesty to admit this side of you. Even though it took time.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jessica, Her leaving is probably for the best as neither one of you will change......

[dolovewell]

This is going to be an unpopular opinion but I honestly believe that you can not expect a woman who is your girlfriend or wife to be supportive. There are some CDs and transwomen who have accepting and supportive wives/girlfriends but this is not the norm and therefore should not be expected. They are outliers and those who have supportive wives/girlfriends should consider themselves lucky.

I do not blame women at all for not being accepting of their SOs crossdressing or being transgender. They are not bigots for not being accepting. They have every right to have preferences. The fact of the matter is that for the most part, women are attracted to masculinity and strength, and men are attracted to femininity and beauty. This is basic biology and its been this way since the caveman days. Women were attracted to the strongest men so they could carry their genes and ensure the most likely survival for their offspring. Women were not attracted to weaker men because they didn't want their seed, as they would be less likely to successfully protect the home. Crossdressing is the opposite of masculinity, so the average woman is going to be turned off by it because they are biologically programmed to do so after generations and generations of evolution. I am not trying to say crossdressing equals weakness, I am just saying that is how the average woman will view it.

If I had a girlfriend or wife and she began to be masculine, like cut her hair ultra short and lift weights to build muscle and wear male clothes and act like a man, I sure as hell would be offput and turned off by it. I wouldn't be OK with it. Because it is my right to have preferences. I am attracted to femininity, so I would put my foot down. I shouldn't be forced or guilt shamed into accepting it. So why should we expect anything different when it comes to wives/girlfriends?

With that being said, even though the odds are against you, you should never keep it a secret from any woman you plan on getting serious with. Do not use likely rejection as a reason to keep it a secret. Something this big needs to be out in the open. It's wrong to keep it a secret. Be open and let the chips fall where they may. I myself am never getting married, so its not something I have to worry about. Crossdressing isn't the reason I plan on not getting married, but I know crossdressing is a part of me that won't go away so even if I were to change my mind, I'd be open about it from the very beginning.

[Lana Mae]

My situation was similar to yours. I had no idea that I was a crossdresser but knew I wore panties sometimes. I told I was interested in wearing women's clothes and she told me there was only room for one woman in our relationship. I held back and only wore panties 3 times in our 34+ year marriage. When the pink fog hit, it was like a tornado! You on the other hand already know what is going on and seem to be further along than I was. As the others say it does not go away and comes back really hard!! There seems to be many more ladies out there who are accepting than in years gone by. Best wishes going forward. Hugs Lana Mae

[Pat]

Suppose she said, "honey I love 90 percent of you, but if you want to be with me, that left arm has to go" would you feel better about just walking away? It's very much the same thing, really. As old folks always say to young folks, there's someone out there for you; you'll know when she comes along. Be honest; be open; make it clear that part of the reason you're the person they're attracted to is this aspect of your personality.

[Kellitgdet]

I feel your pain, this is why do many of us are in a DADTRelationship. We are still with the ones we love and we will continue to love them unconditionally. With the hope of one day having more and more acceptance.

[MissTee]

I am one of the more fortunate in that my wife is supportive and understands my need to dress. Over time she's learned it's just a part of the man I am, and I still have a very strong "man mode" as she would say. It does take a very special woman to see things that way. I could not imagine keeping this a secret through decades of marriage, and you did the right thing by sharing.

[MelanieAnne]

If she's giving you ultimatums now, it will only get worse after you're married. If you give up crossdressing, she will find something else about you to change. It's a lot easier to break up with a girlfriend, than to get a divorce, and a lot less expensive. There are plenty of other women out there. The bus comes by every ten minutes. If you miss it, there will be another one along shortly.

[Teresa]

Jesicaa,
It is a difficult question but at the end of the day you don't have a choice, you have told her to be fair before the relationship goes any further, she has given you the truth in return, your Cding is hardwired, no matter how much you tell you you will stop, the urge will always be there and she's going to expect it to happen at some point. I'm afraid there's no going back now she will always have her doubts and mistrust, I'm afraid you're cheating on both of you if you continue in the relationship.

Dolovewell,
I don't entirely agree with you some women are very accepting and actually enjoy it , I know from experience when I had two GFs who were OK with it, also when I meet the partners of the members of my social group most are very comfortable with it and enjoy having a partner they can share feminine things with. Not all women want the macho hunk, it either frightens some of them or they like having a dominant role . Not to get married or have a partner at all because of CDing isn't necessary you can find and enjoy a loving relationship alongside the dressing needs.

[Amy Lynn3]

This may sound harsh, but tell her if she does not think anymore of you than that, for her to hit the road. Put the ball in her court and make her do the changing, because you already know you can't. Make her feel as if you can live without her and not mourn the loss. Hard for you to do, I know, but better than going the rest of your life in misery, with the hiding and guilt. The best to you,

[Stephanie47]

I went back and read some of your posts. If my calculations are correct you're 22 years old. I suspect you're still trying to find you way in life. One of the pitfalls of telling a woman that you enjoy wearing women's clothing is rejection. You're hardwired for some reason to express yourself in that manner. She is hardwired to reject it. Maybe her rejection is due to societal expectations. Maybe it is because she has misconceptions. You really have not established a relationship in which she really has gotten to know you. Good qualities against negativity. Are the scales balanced?

What would I do? Frankly at age 22 I would not commit myself to any woman on a false premise that I would give up wearing women's clothing. It's easy for me to say that now since I'm almost 70. In life there are deal breakers, and, for most women it is a deal breaker. I would ask her "why" so I could gain some insight into the rejection. It may be you do not meet the "Prince Charming" vision many young women have of their boyfriends and spouses. Just look at the entire wedding industry.....the bridal dress, the honeymoon, the attendants, blah, blah blah.

[Victoria92116]

I was lucky in that my GF now wife was fine with my underdressing years ago, and my recent step twords full blown cross dressing was met with a raised eyebrow but nothing bad. Of she had rejected me years ago I think I would have had to move on, or maybe I would have tried to stick it out but right now I can just imagine the conversation having been married almost 9 years and trying to convince her that I want to wear pretty things to after the initial rejection.