No dress for you!

[Georgette_USA]

I am glad you had a good time at the wedding.

I don't see how you ( definitely a woman ) dressed in a pants outfit makes you both look less like a Lesbian couple. Most Lesbian couples I know one usually wears pants and the other may or may not. Some even use the tag Trans*Lesbian, not really sure what that means.

I guess you both need to come to terms with this, now the wedding is done. Maybe some couples Therapy.

[Bria]

I'm glad that you were able to reach the point that you were comfortable in conceding to your wife's request. Our SOs can take a long time to adjust/accept/transition as we do those things and it is great that your wife has come as far as she has. Many don't.

BTW, the outfit looks very nice!

Hugs, Bria

[Kate T]

I would suggest reading Helen Boyd's books Janelle if you haven't already, particularly She's Not The Man I Married. I think they give a pretty good insight from a woman who genuinely had to question herself and go, OK, what is sexuality really? What is marriage really? What am I comfortable with? Why am I not comfortable with that? Is there anything wrong with not being comfortable with that?

Here is just one other thought. Think really really carefully about Why you want her to "slow dance" with you in public? So you can show her off "Look everyone, here is my lesbian wife"? So you can show everyone that she is "yours"? Honestly my partner/wife rarely "slow danced" in public before we transitioned nor do we now. We never needed to "possess" each other. It is enough that we steal a glance, an imperceptible smile across a crowded room. That we know almost instinctively what the other is thinking or wants to do. These are our moments, we didn't and don't need to show them to everyone. Because at the end of the day it is my chest she is resting on at home, it is her arms encircling me, it is her breathing and her smell that is just next to me in bed as I drift off to sleep and wake up in the morning. At the end of the day, she chooses me.

[jenn_devilz]

Sorry this happened to you. But I think it's pretty obvious now that you and your wife are NOT "doing good".

If I were in your shoes, I absolutely would not wear an outfit with pants to the wedding, especially if all the other women are wearing dresses, as you said. In your situation, I would either go to the wedding in a dress, or not go at all. And maybe that's what needs to happen here... not go to the wedding. Your wife could go alone, and say that you couldn't make it for one reason or another. Or she could also not go. But for you to go to the wedding, being singled out and "forced" to wear pants - that's demeaning. I would not do it.

Maybe you two can talk things over and convince her that it's ok for you to wear a dress? Especially given that you've been full-time for 3 years? Regardless of what you decide, it's going to be difficult. Sorry about that.

I totally agree with Mirya on this one dear!! Thats like making you obviously stick out when in reality you should be blending in with all of the other females because you are just one of the girls also!! This type of situation would infuriate me! I could see my ex-wife pulling this completely especially if we had stayed together. I would personally NEVER buy a pantsuit its just not my style at all. It's your body and you deserve to wear what you feel elegant and gorgeous in! Good luck!!

[Tommie.]

Angela and Erin were right... and I agree with them as I am dealing with all of it right now too... as most have had to do. And Janelle you made the hard, loving decision and came out right too. Thank you for your example.

[morgan pure]

Yes, it is an extreme hassle and she is wrong, but I would suck it up and wear a femme pants suit--like my gay women friends who don't look good in dresses.

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Perfect and pretty.

[pamela7]

Hi Janelle,

I'm completely supporting you here, and I feel you've done exactly what you felt was right. I'm out everywhere now for 12 months full-time, but here's the gig. My in-laws have refused to be with me dressed as a woman. But, they're totally fine with our f2m son being in male clothes. Clearly it's hypocritical but it is as it is. So the decision with my wife is that she visits them alone, and if they come here, I absent myself.

I've been to two funerals since coming out, both times I wore dresses, and even my lifelong family seemed to be completely fine with it; cousins, uncles, aunts, second cousins. And they've said I'm always invited. I have cousins who have now come out to the family as gay and lesbian, so some big social shift really is going on I feel.

The thing I got fed back is this: me being me inspires everyone else to be true to themselves. I cannot think of a better message on a wedding day.


xxx Pam

[Rita Leigh]

I think you looked fantastic in that lovely pants and blouse combo. Congrats on a great choice and making your mostly accepting spouse more comfortable. It's never just about us when we are in a loving relationship...