Have You Ever Been Challenged in Public?

[Lorileah]

I agree with Laura. It isn't a pitchfork mentality. It is a be safe and aware mentality. I am out in the world every day. 99.9% of the time NOTHING happens. But to say "Hey go out, no one cares and will never bother you." is wrong. I have been out well over 2 years now as 24/7. I can remember two episodes. I know many TG people. One was beaten severely in a place that was considered "safe". That is a wake up call. I don't think anyone here said every time you go out people will question you. First it isn't polite. Second you aren't important to them. Until for some reason you interfere with their agenda. Transphobia and homophobia are still firmly entrenched in many locales. "We" are something to fear because we are something they don't understand or they have been taught that we are less than. So how do they react to fear. By acting out. It's power. While I rarely get verbal (and so far no physical) threats, I can read other reactions on a more frequent basis. I see parents pull their child away from where I am, I have had both sexes intentionally force me to walk around. I have seen people stare. I have had my share of being called names as they walk by.

On the other hand I have had far more compliments and smiles. They outweigh the bad experiences. I have also had people OVER compensate to try and be nice.

All the kind remarks and the apparent not being noticed are great. But it takes just ONE confrontation to hurt you. One person who disagrees with how you live and who thinks violence (verbal or physical) is the way they can respond to you. When you respond in kind the situation can escalate into a situation where someone gets hurt. No we aren't GGs but we are at risk. GGs learn to mitigate risk.

[ellbee]

Summed up nicely, Lorileah.


I will add that obviously this shouldn't stop anyone from going out in public, should they want to. Just that if they do, that yes, there's always a possibility of something not-so-positive happening, which can really run the gamut, depending on all kinds of variables -- simply *because* of how we're presenting (and not some sort of random accident).



Oh, and this: "...I have had both sexes intentionally force me to walk around."

Eh, I've had that happen to me plenty of times while in 100% guy-mode. IOW, some people are just rude/obnoxious/too self-important when it comes to that, regardless of who the other party may be.

[Rogina B]

Like Lorileah..My opinion comes from being out everyday as well. Male or female or trans..we have to be sensible and aware.

[dolovewell]

Transphobia will exist everywhere. I live in Portland and we have people who move here from other parts of the country, or to Seattle, because its more pro-LGBT and progressive.

The problem is that they think this area of the country is completely devoid of any transphobia or transphobic persons and everything will be unicorns and rainbows here. Nope. There are just as many transphobic people here as there are anywhere else.

This city may be more pro-LGBT but thats really only based on legislation and there are more support groups around here. It's not more pro-LGBT in terms of people's attitudes.

Moral of the story: Geography doesn't matter. Don't move somewhere or avoid somewhere because you think the populace will be more or less friendly.

[Tracii G]

I live in Central Kentucky and people in general are nice and don't get "in your business".
Sure I have been called names and gotten looks but that doesn't bother me all that much.
I'm out as TG and gay and once in a blue moon I will get a smart ass act out but I stand my ground and do a mental tap dance with them.
Mostly to show how stupid they are acting in front of people. The reason for that is so I have witnesses if something happens.
Like I said I have been in a few fights with homophobes but I am not afraid and have the skills to defend myself.

[dolovewell]

The only time I have been "challenged" in public was in Madison, WI. That's where the group of teenagers humiliated me. Doesn't get more progressive than Madison.

[Tracy Irving]

I don't live far from Madison and have often thought about spending some time there dressed. The running joke is that Madison is 40 square miles surrounded by reality. Time to rethink that area of Wisconsin.

[IleneD]

Wow. Some of the responses have given me cause to rethink my field trip.

I'm a large and strong human specimen. I'm not worried about that. I suppose I don't mind having a laugh along WITH someone in public about it.
I knew The World was an ugly place. I've traveled on nearly every continent except Antarctica, and been to some grim place where the normal rules of humanity don't apply. But I didn't know it was this bad in my America; not in this day and age. I absolutely hate for things like that to happen to everyone on here who shared a story about being 'called out".

I can slip in and out of guy mode/girl mode on demand. I do either one very well. I'm loving my girl mode more and more these days. But the fact is, because of my build I pass for a guy without question and can assume that role.
The girls who are earning my heart are those who NEED THIS crossdressing; even the point of assuming their female identity outwardly and full time. In some cases it appears that living in femme is a safer choice than living as a pretty male, (despite the threats either way.) You need this choice to crossdress and assume the full time identity of the real you. And that is a much different thing; requiring great courage. Be strong. I am with you all; everyone who lives out their feminine identity.

[CherylFlint]

When I first started going out it happened a few times, and that’s because I stuck-out like a sore thumb.
Since then I’ve learned to BLEND and haven’t had any problems.
I’ve found that ATTITUDE is very important. Act like you belong in the lingerie section.
But, above all, stay safe.
I used to go out at night but for the last ten years I seldom go out at night.
Stay safe and have fun.

[dolovewell]

Ilene its really not that bad. While many of us have stories of bad experiences, we can all agree they are rare.

With that being said I do think some crossdressers bring it upon them selves and are "asking for it". By this I mean they do not dress appropriately for wherever they are going out in public. Instead they dress in a more fetishized manner. I.E. wearing 6 inch stiletto heels and an ultra short mini skirt or dress riding up their bum when they are just going out to the grocery store or to run errands. Now that is an exaggerated example but what I am trying to say is if you are not dressing appropriate for your age and the occassion, you are inviting negative reactions your way. While GGs will get the same negative reactions for not being dressed properly and appropriately, your negative reaction will be compounded.

As long as YOU do everything right, you are in good shape.

[katie_barns]

I have had the funny looks, and a few comments before but nothing that I would consider challenging. Just curious people wanting to know if I was male/female. I had one woman stop me in a mall to tell me how beautiful i was. I looked at her and was like "are you serious". I figured I had been made and this was her way of approaching to find out more. I thanked her and we sat and talked for a while. I flat told her what I was. She acted shocked, I still don't buy it, but she was nice. Just curious.

Funnest thing I ever did was to go Burbon St in New Orleans dressed one night. I wasn't at my most passable, . I really didn't care it was Burbon St after all. I was clocked all night, and drew lots of comments and looks. Even had one woman take a picture of me and her husband. She used the term "Drag Queen". I just smiled and let it pass. Had lots of fun though.

[Lorileah]

With that being said I do think some crossdressers bring it upon them selves and are "asking for it". By this I mean they do not dress appropriately for wherever they are going out in public.

shaming no matter who and blaming the victim is wrong Not surprised that this came up here because it does show how some old ideas still hang on. I was kind of hoping people who lived in this glass house wouldn't throw that rock.

[AllieSF]

I agree with Lori. Dolovewell, unless you can back up that statement with some solid facts, I believe that it is now how one dresses but rather the odd and, as you said, rare chance that the wrong people sees them (us) at the wrong time. Seeing that most of us do not pass, we are then very obviously dressed as the opposite gender, and thus also obvious to those that may do something to show their dislike of that.

[Princess Chantal]

I have been asked the "are you a man or woman", "are you a boy or girl" or "are you a dude or chick" several of times. None of those times of being asked would I consider it as being challenged or harassed. My reply is always the masculine terms (man, boy, guy). The places usually asked the question are at night clubs (both straight based and lgbt based), friend's house parties, and while dressed up in my Victorian/southern belle dresses on fun outings (children usually do the asking there). In every case the reactions to my answer were always positive and leads to good conversations. Hmmm I wonder if the same positivity would happen if I answered as the feminine terms? Sometimes they apologize for asking, in which I assure them that I personally don't mind and actually would prefer them to know where I am in the transgender community other than assume. However, I do also let them know that other folks in the transgender community may be offended. Usually the people questioning (well the adults) are oddly asking the question to figure out where you are within the transgender umbrella (crossdressing man vs transgender woman). As for the reason for the children asking, my assumption is that they are questioning the mishmash of genders. I usually answer to them with "I am a boy having fun being a girl for the day". Sometimes I get the "you are pretty as a girl" and often get the friendly smile and a goodbye wave or even a hug at the end of the event.
I do receive the rude comments, harassing actions, and preachings here and there when I am out and about. Most often than not it is when I am in a more blending attire. Matter of fact, all the right in my face rude encounters were when I was wearing denim jeans or capris. Those people that are rude were not questioning with the "are you a man or woman" but blatantly stating with phrases like "it's a chick with a dick" or "wtf, it's a guy". I guess they get the impression that my main goal is that I am trying to fool people or I am in the process of transitioning (you know give that punching blow to the gut to those that are)

[dolovewell]

I wouldn't say I am necessary victim blaming. In a thread asking about how common negative encounters are, I think it makes sense to say that you do have some level of control over the likelihood.

It reminds me of the time I was working at Victoria's Secret and this guy came in wearing bikini swimsuit. Really? We kicked him out and he was crying discrimination, etc. I am not going to sympathize with him. I am all for crossdressing and acceptance but I still think there is a line, and when you cross that line I am not going to defend you or sympathize with you. There is a line that can be crossed to where you deserve the shame. It has nothing to do with shaming the crossdresser for crossdressing, but just decency. I'd shame a woman for coming into a retail store wearing a bikini as well.

Now that is obviously a very extreme example but what I am saying is that if you want to minimize your chances of having something negative happen out in public, minimize your risk. Part of minimizing your risk is picking an appropriate outfit.

[Valery L]

Ilene its really not that bad. While many of us have stories of bad experiences, we can all agree they are rare.

... I.E. wearing 6 inch stiletto heels and an ultra short mini skirt or dress riding up their bum when they are just going out to the grocery store or to run errands. Now that is an exaggerated example but what I am trying to say is if you are not dressing appropriate for your age and the occassion, you are inviting negative reactions your way...

As long as YOU do everything right, you are in good shape.

I normally use miniskirts or minidresses when I am at the grocery store, I just love them

[IleneD]

The responses are amazing windows into the lives of those who share my affirmation of dressing in the clothing I love. Thank you.
I've already found one very welcoming and "understanding" place. My local Ulta beauty store. An appointment for a makeover, my first; and the first stop on a first big day out.

[ellbee]

Now that is obviously a very extreme example but what I am saying is that if you want to minimize your chances of having something negative happen out in public, minimize your risk. Part of minimizing your risk is picking an appropriate outfit.

I got what you were saying the 1st time, and I partially agree, on some levels.


Someone closer to the spectrum of a 6'8" 350-pound guy with a beard, sporting a tutu, fishnets & stilettos, with clown make-up & costume wig -- strutting thru the mall? Yeah, they're going to be getting some negative attention. (Though they probably wouldn't be messing with her, either, LOL.) And no offense to anyone here who may fit that bill.


Meanwhile, someone closer to the other end? Sweet little petite thing, very attractive & passable, wearing something pretty legit & natural, looking like the real-deal? Yeah, they're going to be getting some attention, too. Only problem with that, though, is it will be guys, in a sexual manner, checking her out, checking her out, check- Oops! Too much focus & scrutiny... Dude, that's a DUDE! Aaaannd, different kind of negative attention, now.

I normally use miniskirts or minidresses when I am at the grocery store, I just love them

Oh, please. You're like 18 -- you can get away with wearing pretty much anything. Enjoy it while it lasts!

[Valery L]

But I am almost 30

[SarahSerene]

Most of experiences have been that people either don't notice, don't care, or if there's a negative response, it's discrete (be it at the mall, coffee shop, Panera, etc). That's all good, and as I get more confident I find I want to embrace the role of ambassador (as long as it is in safe public places that is). Here's one story though from a few years ago that was a negative experience at the time but looking back I wish I would have had the confidence to handle it differently.

I am at the mall, I enter in through Macy's and then go into the main mall area. As I recall, it's fall, I'm wearing a plaid skirt that hits just below the knee, brown boots with a modest heel, and a sweater. The first kiosk inside the mall is a group of three latino males (I only mention that detail because their style was macho) selling specialty hand lotions... They see me and start cutting up / laughing a little bit. I held my head high and just kept on walking. The only thing I remember hearing as I walked by was "blah blah blah, hombre." I wanted to say to them... "dude, your selling hand lotion!"

So I shop for an hour or so, and the shortest walk back to my car is past their kiosk again. They see me (still kind of giggling but toned down), but one steps forward to try to sell me hand lotion. I give him a "screw off" look and kept on walking into Macy's. Now to my point - looking back, if I had been a little more confident, I should have engaged him and listened to what he had to say. It could have been an opportunity to portray us in such a matter that the next time someone like me came by the booth, they'd be a lot more cool about it, especially if I had bought some product.

[SarahjayneA]

after reading the thread , i think i'll stay in the UK , the states seems to be way behind Europe , in terms of safety
and acceptance .

[ellbee]

But I am almost 30

Oh, hush. I know, as your profile already says that. But you're still a young pup compared to us geezers!

[dolovewell]

I normally use miniskirts or minidresses when I am at the grocery store, I just love them

You are younger and slimmer, so you are probably more able to get away with it. And it depends on how "mini" we are talking about. Mid thigh or a little above? Not a big deal. I live in Portland and there is a large trans/CD community here, and I saw this MTF one time and I could not tell if she was either wearing a dress or a tunic. It was that short. Such an outfit probably wouldn't work for anyone at a place like a grocery store.

The responses are amazing windows into the lives of those who share my affirmation of dressing in the clothing I love. Thank you.
I've already found one very welcoming and "understanding" place. My local Ulta beauty store. An appointment for a makeover, my first; and the first stop on a first big day out.

ULTA is probably the place I go to the most dressed up. Never once had any problems there, ever. Nice and friendly staff.

Now to my point - looking back, if I had been a little more confident, I should have engaged him and listened to what he had to say. It could have been an opportunity to portray us in such a matter that the next time someone like me came by the booth, they'd be a lot more cool about it, especially if I had bought some product.

I want to highlight this because you make a great point. While I am not sure engaging with these men would have been the wisest decision, I do think we owe it to other crossdressers to be ambassadors like you said. Putting your head down, walking away quickly and just trying to hightail out of there will just reinforce the stereotypes of crossdressers as being nervous and ashamed of themselves.

When I first started going out in public, I would avoid any interaction with people. I wouldn't make eye contact, I wouldn't smile, I'd just try to go shopping or whatever and avoid as many people as possible. I would fear speaking to anyone, but some places you have no option when at the cash register. I realized that this anti-social behavior just would make me look creepy and not improve the image and reputation of crossdressers and make it difficult for the rest of us. So I began to be a lot more social, interactive, I would smile to strangers and make eye contact, I would chat up SAs and cashiers at the register. A lot of people will be nervous around you or mock you because your body language and behavior is giving them a reason to. If you are confident and outgoing, you'd be surprised at how nice people become all of a sudden around you and you will make people more positive toward crossdressers in the future. If you want to be an "ambassador", be social and interactive when you are out. Don't even worry about having a female or male voice or not. Chances are you aren't passing anyway, so what difference does it make?

after reading the thread , i think i'll stay in the UK , the states seems to be way behind Europe , in terms of safety
and acceptance .

I strongly, strongly disagree

[Cheryl James]

Just recently in a Goodwill store I was browsing a rack and no one was around me. I detected that someone had come up to the parallel rack across from where I was. I looked up and there was a middle age woman looking at me. We made eye contact. Her face registered a mix of anger and questioning. Neither of us said anything. As I had completed my search through that rack, anyway, I moved to another rack about 20 - 25 feet away. I had been there a couple minutes when the woman came up to that rack and the staring was repeated. She did not say anything, nor did I. In fact, I just kept on looking through the clothes. I did notice that her basket was quite full of clothing that she, I guess, intended to buy. The next thing I knew she had abandoned her basket, walked to the entrance, flung (not "opened", but flung) the door open and marched , not walked, to her car. I watched all of this with some amusement. I wasn't quite sure what to make of the entire episode. Did my presence, dressed as I was, bother her that much that her shopping plans were destroyed. As I said my reaction was amusement at the whole thing. I am notsure how I would have reacted had she said something or created a scene.

[Krisi]

It would be extremely rude (and ignorant) for someone to walk up to another person and ask them if they were a man or a woman unless there was a reason to do so such as in a public restroom or say, "ladies night" at a bar where admission or drinks were reduced price for women.

Something similar happened to a (black) friend of mine who was playing guitar in a (otherwise all white) band. After the dance, a person came up to him and asked "What are you?" He said something on the order of "I beg your pardon?" and the person continued to ask. Finally, my friend figured out what the person was asking and he answered "I am black."

So that was another example of a rude and ignorant question.

To answer the question, nobody has ever asked me this or threatened me but I distinctly remember a woman giving me a dirty look once in a shopping mall.

As for the comment about dressing appropriately, that's reality. If you call attention to yourself, you are more apt to get negative comments or worse. We might wish it were different but it's not. Once you turn off your computer and walk out the door, you're dealing with a different set of people.