Need to figure out how to accept who I am

[beccacd24]

I had a gf who I finally told about my girly side a few years back and she was super supportive and helped me out. We have since part ways but are still friends. She is the only person to see me dressed. Recently I have finally accepted the fact that this will always be a part of me and to embrace it. I've been talking with a few cds in my local area for friendships and even have pondered the realization that I like men too. I still love women. But my problem is is that I'm still scared my friends and family will find out and either leave me or treat me differently. That is my biggest fear. Should I just continue being me and hiding it from friends and family, because I'm 31 and want to have fun before I regret not doing it out of fear. I lost my 20s to this fear and I don't want to lose my 30s to it as well. Thanks ladiea. Love becca xoxo l

[Jessica86]

I told my parents when I was 25. I told my wife. I told my best friends, brother and sister. Out of those, I have only lost a few friends. I feel like I didn't lose them to Jessica. I lost them because well, they didn't like ME anymore. I know how you feel because I always say to my wife "I feel like I lost my 20s." I just turned 30. Lost isn't a good analogy. I researched and was able to bring Jessica into light in my 20s. Now in my 30s I can play guilt free. I went out dressed right after I told my wife years ago. Never regretted it since.

Now before you call me lucky, just think that you can do the same thing. Tell who you wish. It may not work out like mine did but that is the toughest part. Having others find out. Right now I can do as I wish as Jessica. Wife knows and doesn't care at all. Truth is she works like me, and our schedules are so full, we don't have time to go out as Jessica. The little time we do have, we go out as man and woman. I feel like I owe her that. There will be a time when it is easier for the kids (4 and 7) to be watched. We are already getting those calls from grandma grandpa to bring the kids by and have some time alone. Amazing how many people want to see them when they are out of diapers, talking and doing big kid activities. Some of that time will be our time. Some will be Jessica's time with my wife. Good things come to those that wait.

[dolovewell]

The question you need to ask yourself is do you need to come out to friends and family?

I don't come out to them because I live two time zones away from my family and most of my friends. What good will telling them I crossdress do?

I supposed if I were to ever move back near friends and family, it would be different. It would depend on how often I dress, and if I planned on dressing around them. If I kept my current dressing schedule(about twice a week), probably not. It's something I do for me.

How often do you dress? Do you plan on dressing around friends and family?

[Teresa]

Becca,
My friends know about my dressing one in particular is OK about it and doesn't treat me any different, he thinks I look pretty good from my pictures but he doesn't always want to talk about it. On the whole most people do treat me the same way, no one has shunned me and cut me off, if fact I've made more friends through my CDing because they are interested in that aspect of my life.

I go and meet other CDers socially now , some are fairly attractive but I don't fancy them, I'm bi-gender so my male and female sides prefer women.

As for losing your years, you want to try being mid sixties then you can start to regret the lost years, it's why I've pushed so hard to be out, I know time is now running out .

[Micki_Finn]

If they abandon you when they find out, were they ever really your friends to begin with?

[beccacd24]

Thank you Jessica just need to build up the courage and find the right time

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No I dress for for pure excitement of it and dress whenever I can. I'm bisexual so I like to go out with other CDS and talk and if it happens maybe more

[Rachelakld]

The UK and here in NZ, we tend to be very tolerant of various lifestyles.
My mother knew when I was 19 as she washed my girl clothes when I came home on leave and accidently forgot they were in y kit bag.
I told my sister a few years ago - she told me that "that is what makes you - the you we love"
her kids said the same.
Only you know where your family might sit on this issue, but be yourself and if life throws you lemons....well you know the rest

[IleneD]

I recently 'came out' to my wife of 39 yrs. It was a shock (but not a complete surprise).
The Guilt and Shame are not worth it, dear Becca. I can't tell you the burden I carried for so long; and had to in many ways according to my profession and family. The relief of the simple Honesty of telling my wife made all the difference. I was liberated to be me .

I grant that she isn't exactly enthused about my dressing up, but she endures it gracefully so far. We're both still adjusting to the change in our relationship. But she recently bought me a skirt and a dress I've been eyeing for a long time. So far, she's a good sport. It's a process.

My advice is "come out", be honest with someone. I actually believe you are at great advantage being so "young", and with a girl friend, not a wife. It may be much easier to share your news early in the relationship. But don't keep it inside you. Share.

That brings me to my own Learning Point; stuff I picked up from this forum. "Coming out" is great. It's refreshing and empowering. Liberating. But you don't need to come out to everyone, nor everyone at once. Some don't have a need to know. Different people see you and esteem you (more than you know) in different ways. It's important for the well-being of your entire life that you maintain the ways some acquiantances and associates knew you. I have some friends and Officers who once served under me who would absolutely FREAK OUT, if I shared my CD life with them, though I'm not ashamed. I think of it more as discreet. Only you will know the right people to share this with. But as I said, don't feel obligated to shout it out to the world and don't feel like a failure if you come out only "part ways".
It is the wise man who lives to dress another day.
Good luck. Be true to yourself. Keeping it inside isn't worth it. Trust from one who knows.

[Anne K]

I'm glad you started this thread. This is a subject that has been churning away in my mind recently. I came out to my wife of 2 years but have know for over 40 years and to my great relief she has been incredibly supportive. So, now I wonder why I lived under the radar for so long. For me, It seems that times have changed for the better and society is much more accepting now. There is still resistance, but not like it was. Oh well, that was then and now is now. I'll never get those lost years and my youth back, but I can be true to myself. My advice is to not torture yourself, friends will come and go, good friends are better than bad family, and explore this wonderful age we live in while you are young.

[Lana Mae]

I think coming out should be on a need to know basis. Obviously the SO needs to know. If you come out to friends and they abandon you, they never were your friends. You know your situation. Just use discretion. Hugs Lana Mae

[TrishaTX]

If you can afford it, I would find a gender therapist as well. Not because you will make the full transition(or you might) but because you can discover everything you need to. I have been going for three years and today and I much more secure and happy. I used to feel so bad inside...no more...

[Curiouser&Curiouser]

+1 for therapy. A good therapist will not tell you how to handle this situation externally, but rather help you come to terms with your own feelings and help you to make your own decisions. I'm seeing a LGBTQ-GNC therapist now and having a safe environment to fully discuss the whole situation is a godsend.

Understand that every relationship you bring your new discoveries into will change; if you don't want a relationship to change then you also cannot change. If authenticity is important in a relationship, though, you must find a way to lovingly let them in on your whole life. Especially when this segment of your life is so important to you!

Good luck Becca, and always remember to love yourself first, so that you can spread that love to others.

- Sandra

[raeleen]

one more vote for finding a therapist who is a specialist in LGBT topics. I struggled for a long time with my gender identity, and it wasn't until I began working with a therapist that I was able to really reflect and start pulling apart things about me that were contributing to my anxiety and fears. Once you're truly comfortable with who you are, it'll make it easier for you to begin making decisions about what you want from your life. Do you need to come out? Who do you want to know? How does living your true self, open and honestly, impact your life? All questions you'll have to process through, and a therapist can be a big help with all that.
Good luck, Becca. Don't regret what you've 'lost'. Looking forward and making what's ahead better is the most important thing.

[Ashley090]

Hello. I say one thing on begin, dont be afraid of you, your femme side. You may read my post about how I not long ago accept Ashley as part of me. But I very understand your fear of what your family say about you or your friends, bcs I am afraid of it too. Knowing my parents they would not take it well I think so I rather keep Ashley from them. Forever. And from my frineds too since they dont even accept gays and lesbians that are common and part of society these days. There are stories about reject from friends and family but there are way mooore stories about acceptance and support. Dont fight girl inside! She will come back no matter what you do Trust me, I know

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's easy to say face your fears, and it's a great principle in theory, but the reality is that some of those people may well react badly, ungraciously, even with outright hostility- and it takes rhinoceros skin to deal with that.

I came out recently as a CD to a friend who I know to be highly intelligent; she's mid-30s, alternative in many ways, and has even had a gay relationship- boy did I misjudge her- total rejection, just a shut down. So yeah, be very cautious.

My advice is do whatever you feel like doing, live your dream- but do it in a safe environment- don't look for approval from family and friends, until you are in a really strong place. Rejection sucks. You're young, in great shape- seize the day honey.

[beccacd24]

Thank you ladies I think telling only the ones who need to know is the best. I will try and take the advice and find a therapist. I am masculine and love girls as a man, but when dressed my mind does a complete 180. Thank you luvs xoxo

[Glenda58]

Looking back on my 69 yrs I wish I had said some thing 50 yrs ago even 30 yrs ago. So wouldn't be sitting in the house wanting to go out fearing someone would see me. So don't let time pass you by just do it.

[PeggyNell]

It is as if all of you are typing what is inside my head!! Becca it sounds like you are on the right track. And I got some good advice too. Being discreet as IleneD said is how I feel about my affairs. I have told a few friends, that I trust but the first one was a
An ex girlfriend as well. She is why I am who I am today. She is so super supportive.
So my advice is the same as the others. Only tell who YOU want to know. Live your life without fear. It took me till I was 40( this Year) to say " to Hell with it!" Either you like me or you don't. You except me or you don't. I love me!
for me Coming out and excepting my true self make me feel more whole.

[Stephanie47]

I did not read the other comments before posting, so here's my take on life. There is absolutely no reason to not have totally different friends and groups of friends with different interests. When I was going up I had school friendships, church friendships, neighborhood friendships and of course family. With some there was some overlapping. Unless you're in a mutually exclusive relationship, bi, straight, gay there is no reason to broadcast the issue. The same goes for cross dressing. Heck, from the discussions on this forum cross dressing would seem to be a deal breaker with either a male or female partner.

[CherylFlint]

That’s a tough bridge to cross.
Me? My wife knows, heck, she dresses me. She’ll pick-out whatever she wants me to wear and help with the makeup.
She’ll even have her girl friends over with me dressed in sweatshirt and jeans, whatever she decides.
But as far as telling my family and my friends? No.

[atxpantyboy]

I had a gf who I finally told about my girly side a few years back and she was super supportive and helped me out. We have since part ways but are still friends. She is the only person to see me dressed. Recently I have finally accepted the fact that this will always be a part of me and to embrace it. I've been talking with a few cds in my local area for friendships and even have pondered the realization that I like men too. I still love women. But my problem is is that I'm still scared my friends and family will find out and either leave me or treat me differently. That is my biggest fear. Should I just continue being me and hiding it from friends and family, because I'm 31 and want to have fun before I regret not doing it out of fear. I lost my 20s to this fear and I don't want to lose my 30s to it as well. Thanks ladiea. Love becca xoxo l

Hi Becca, I finally came out fully to my friends about 1.5 yrs ago and my only regret is that I did not do it much sooner. It was never something I tried very hard to hide, so they weren't all surprised. But they all accepted me without hesitation and now I get to go get pedis and go lingerie shopping with some girl friends and talk about guys I've had sex with. I don't share nearly as much with my male friends because I doubt they really want to know the specifics about my activities. I'm also bi/gay/pansexual and they know all about and accept that, too. Romantic relationships are pretty much exclusively hetero for me, but I thoroughly enjoy sex with a variety of gender profiles M,F and in between. The best part is that I have told them all to feel free to share my details with anyone who asks. I also have all of this info posted front and center on my online dating profiles, and any girl I meet I tell up front about my gender and sexuality quirks. I cannot tell you how freeing it has been for me just to embrace my fem/gay side and live more openly. There's no doubt in my mind that it also makes it easier for others to accept you when you 'own it' as we like to say. I say go for it and never look back. Best of luck to you!