I got careless - now my wife knows

[Elizabeth G]

Hi everyone,

I know some will think I did this on purpose or it was subconsciously intentional but trust me it wasn't.

I WAS closeted. Not anymore.

I had a bag with some of my things in it in my car the other day and unbeknownst to me a bra had fallen out.

My wife and I were literally on our way out the door to meet friends and begin a weeks vacation when she found it. We had exactly three minutes to discuss it before we got to our friends house, then dinner, flight, etc with no chance to talk for a full 20 hours. Not the best way to begin vacation.

This was yesterday and she has had to act like there is nothing wrong around our friends while she's torn up inside.

The good news is I don't think she will want a divorce and even used the word compromise during one discussion. She's a wonderful woman and I don't want to lose her so I well do everything I can towards that end.

I'm on the rollercoaster now and I feel hugely guilty for the burden I have put on her. She needs support now and had talked about how she had no one too talk to because she said she can't confide in anyone because "I wouldn't want to do that to you".

I'll post more later, but I'm hopeful.

Beth

[Dana44]

If you do it yes she will find out sometime. Read the sticky note on coming out here to find a way to communicate with her. You have been in a DADT situation and she was unaware. There is time to fix things but you need to really communicate with her and it may still end up in a DADT situation but that is between you and her. But the sticky will give you notes on what to say to her. Good luck to you Beth.

[Lana Mae]

Well, it could have been worse but it is bad enough. Do as Dana said and remember: honesty, trust, and communication keep relationships going. Best wishes all comes out well!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Judy-Somthing]

Wow I hope thinks work out for you.
Years ago my mother in law thought my car was a mess and when I wasn't home she decided to clean it out for me.
Well she found three bras and told my wife that I must be cheating on her.

I was pissed, at the spur of the moment I said that a friend at work hung them on my car as a joke and that I was planning on hanging them back on his car.
She believed me because she knew we were always hanging notes on each other's cars.

[immike]

I've been very lucky for years,keeping my secret life under wraps.I would hate to have my mother find out I have been secretly wearing her clothes for years?

[Barbara Black]

You might steer her here in the proper forum for SOs? My discovery was very similar, a found bag. But we weren't headed out for a trip either. Good Luck.

[alwayshave]

Elizabeth, like getting t the airport is not stressful enough. Take a deep breath and tell your wife you love her.

[natalie_cheryl]

this is definitely a tough spot, we all get caught at some point. but it sounds like your SO is trying to be understanding so at least you have a decent starting point to begin talking.

[DIANEF]

Elizabeth, my wife once found a pair of knickers I'd left out after a day of dressing, brand new and far too small to be hers. I told her I'd pinched them from work as an act of revenge for them pissing me off in some way.To my amazement (and relief) she believed me, or at least she said she did..... Still undiscovered so far, after many close (some very close) shaves but I am going to tell her before she finds out. or confirms what she already might suspect. Hope everything works out for you and your wife.

[Teresa]

Beth,
That burden of guilt is like a millstone around your neck, and I know all about that rollercoaster.

It's not going to be easy for either of you , I know all you'll think about is how you're going to explain it and I'm sure thoughts are going through your head that may be able to stop and get rid of all your things.

You will have to get your CDing clear in your own head so when the talk comes you have some answers. You may have to think about counselling if you can't get it clear in your own head, it's something I thought I didn't need but in the end it did help. Most of us are wired differently and there's no escaping that, we do have to come to terms with it so we can stop feeling ashamed and guilty. If you can get to the point where you genuinely don't care who knows about your dressing you can then tell your wife that she can discuss it with who she likes if it helps her.Please don't let her carry the guilt of not wanting to hurt you, eventually you come to realise that what they think or say isn't going to change you.

My wife refused to attend counselling with me, I was the one with the problem it was up to me to sort it out, eventually I wrote it all down, basically to try and explain it to my counsellor but it did prove useful because I had something my wife could read if she felt inclined. She knows I have GD and I'm bi-gender and she knows how much of a struggle it has been to come to terms with it. We may be in a DADT situation now but she realises my needs so accepts I go out to meet others socially, she knows where my things are and she knows I shop. The important aspect is she knows I'm not gay and that she can trust me on that point, even to the acceptance of stopping over after some of the meetings.

I would so much like to share it all with her , I have explained those feelings but it's unlikely to happen so it is a separate life I live, we both accept that compromise. She still has her husband and a father and now a grandfather so I'm still there to fulfill those roles, it's not ideal but at the moment it's working OK.

[darla_g]

i think you might be better off being perfectly honest, she may embrace it

[Elizabeth G]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of the responses - that's what I love about this site.

I have been honest with her and have explained that I am a cross dresser and that the bra is mine. At one point she said it may have been easier if it were someone else's.

I know it's going to be a lot of ups and downs, but I'm being completely open and honest and just hoping for the best. It is a relief for me in some ways but now it is a huge burden for her.

Thanks again and I'll let you all know how it turns out.

Beth

[franlee]

I went to your profile and saw you are old enough I can't send down a boat load of experience or wisdom to. You have already navigated the learning years. But I must say this is a pretty precarious spot for you in my opinion. The worst is over, now the trick is to follow up and only you are going to know how you can communicate with your wife. Plus you are the only one that is going to have to live with the results. I feel in your situation I would be sure to make the most of it from the start. Explain your feelings honestly and share what you really want and can settle for and listen to her and ask her to do the same. Then as she said, compromise where you can. Remember this is a Life-long thing so be certain to deal with it as such. Things can always be revisited but the 1st step is one you can never redo. I hope you two work it out for the best, because if you don't life is gona be Hell for both of you, but it don't have to be. Honesty while sharing is my advise and it's a 2 way street so LISTEN too.

[Alice Torn]

Several winters ago, I had my dad's house all too myself, went over there, and dressed up a few times, in high heels, on the brand new kitchen flooring. later, i dropped something, went down to pick it up, and noticed hundreds of high heel indentations in the fake wood flooring!! Panic struck, I had a few days to do something. got advice, used a heat gun to heat the floor where the dents were. Marginal success. It die some good, but some dents would not go away. Prayed and hoped no one noticed. What if my sister and brother see them and , and ask? I considered saying a lady friend visited, and she had heels on. Also might say i had snow boots on, and a small rock was lodged in the soles. Never heard anything. They still may . Their eyesight is not the best, and that may have helped.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Beth, Oh My, Talk about being between a Rock and a Hard place, You just can't make up a story like this one,

Please do keep us advised......

[AlyssaJ]

Well to go with a thread I posted on the other forum, I guess this is another reason why we "come out". If we don't do it on our terms, often times it comes out on its own and with less than ideal timing (as is your case). I'm sorry to hear it had to go this way, but now the key is complete honesty from here. She's going to have some serious trust issues with you since you didn't tell her and hadn't planned to tell her. So you'll need to rebuild that and honesty is the only way to do that. Sometimes it might be shocking honesty for her but that's exactly what will show her you're not holding anything back. All your shopping trips and everything else out in public while dressed, she needs to know.

I do pray that this works out for the best for you. If you guys can get over the hump maybe this was just the kick in the butt you needed. Let us know how it goes, remember to be patient with her and remember that even if she hurts you with them sometimes, her feelings are just as valid as yours and you guys need to work together.

[BrittanyB]

Hi Beth,

I know what you're feeling. I had a similar thing happen. I had purged an entire wardrobe, makeup, wigs, etc several years ago due to concerns of being able to keep it private anymore. Well, life stresses drove me to buy a poncho and slip which I kept in a plastic bag and hidden. I know...strange combo of clothing, but it was a spur of the moment purchase at a Kohls. I only would "dress" when I absolutely had guaranteed time and it usually ended in masturbation. This was the best life would allow even though I longed to be fully dressed and go out for drives and such as I did in the past.

One stressful day about 6 months ago I had maybe 20 minutes at home before going to a work function. I got dressed, masturbated, then quickly changed and left. Unbeknownst to me I left my bag in the office. Two days passed and I was unaware it was there, though my wife certainly wasn't. She was confused, but didn't say anything until we were arguing on Saturday, oddly enough about how she doesn't recognize me while I'm on Chantix (trying to quit smoking). At the height of my indignation for her having suggested that I'm "like a zombie" she leaves the room (I thought the argument over) and returns with my bag asking "what's this?" while she pulls the poncho and slip out and drops it on the floor.

I came clean immediately, but she struggled to believe it. I think she thought I might be having an affair? From that discussion she incorrectly concluded that I just like the fabric for masturbation and compartmentalized it into well just use the fabric then when you need to. Over the months we've had talks clarifying what need it really meets, always me initializing the conversation and assuring her that she can determine the limits.

I recently asked her if I could make some on line purchases (wig and winter coat) since I would rather not try to do so in a store hurriedly and have it be the wrong size, style or color. That prompted further discussion about how far this is going to go...do I want to be a woman full time, etc (answer: NO!). She ended up being ok with it, but I think understandably concerned that this would take over my life. It was a very good conversation and I felt relieved that she understood a little better.

After receiving the coat and wig, I worried about storing these things in the cold and heat (attic) and asked her I could just store a couple of items in the upstairs closet. I could tell by the look on her face that this was beyond what she was ok with at this point, but she relented after a shortish conversation. I don't want to cause her even more grief or remind her of this part of me on a regular basis so after a day with my coat hung in the closet and storing the wig (in a box) in the same closet, I moved it to the attic.

I think its important that even if there are break throughs in understanding from our spouse, it is still highly unusual and they generally don't want to be reminded of this part. Ever since she first confronted me, she has not initiated conversation about it...always me and usually with a "checking in with her" for honesty sake. I don't know that she will ever get beyond this and I don't think its fair to try to force her to either. She's very insightful about human behavior, but this is hard to understand for anyone. I share all of this, Beth, mainly to convey that it's important to respect how unexpected these things are for our spouses and that it takes a great deal of time, even with "breakthrough" moments to find a manageable and respectful balance.