Probably should've stayed in the closet

[BayBeeBlue]

As the title reads - I probably should've stayed in the closet and said nothing to my wife about my CDing.
It's kind of gone all pear-shaped. I told her too much too soon.....but then again she did ask.
I'm beginning to think honesty is not necessarily the best policy....but I may be proven wrong over time.
At the moment life is not great.
Counselling is just a case of me going nearly every week to orate my diary of things that happened since the last session.
I even asked her (the counsellor) if there were any recommendations of books I should read or any other things I could be doing.....but didn't get much of an answer.
Myself and my wife have being arguing a lot over this. She resents me going to therapy as she knows that she is being talked about in some form.
She has other worries too ie medical and I've dumped all this crap on her....what a great person I am(sarcasm).
Separation has been mentioned in one of our arguments so who knows where this will end.
Mentally, I'm not in a great place as I feel every second just ticking away very slowly and I don't want to do anything.
Sorry for the vent.

[bridget thronton]

Sorry things are going badly - hope things improve

[arial]

"...dumped all this crap on her"??
I think you are being kind of hard on yourself. You have done what is necessary to be open and honest about you and who you are. Sadly she doesn't dig it. You have even gone the extra step to seek an objective, professional individual to help get a better handle on what your situation is....and she "resents" it???
Sounds to me like you have taken the high road and should be commended. Sorry your efforts are appearing to be in vain.

I'm thinking you are the good guy (or girl) here. Best of luck.

[AlyssaJ]

I posted a similar (albeit much longer) topic in the Non-binary forum. I'm in a similar situation as you having recently come out to my wife about my gender identity. She's really struggling with it and I've been doubting at times whether coming out was the right thing. The fact of the matter is, staying in the closet doesn't work. If you're successful and she never accidentally finds out, chances are you'll end up resenting her some day or at least being miserable the rest of your life. If she does find out accidentally, the shock is far worse than just calmly discussing it with her.

My wife had similar concerns about me seeing a therapist. She also really didn't like that I was seeing a female therapist (still not totally clear why). But she's working through that and understands why I need to see a therapist. She's looking into seeing one herself to help her deal with it. The best I can offer you there is just be clear with her why you need someone other than her to talk to about this. That you need to understand yourself better.

As to the rest of it, all I can say is try to have patience with her but avoid apologizing for who you are. There's nothing "wrong" with you and you have no reason to feel ashamed of who you are. Don't enable her to shame you by apologizing for who you are. You can apologize for her hurt feelings, for keeping a secret from her, etc., but make sure to draw that line. Obviously you understand that she's had quite a shock to her system and there's a swarm of feelings she's dealing with as a result. So be patient with her but at the same time don't allow it to become a situation where she uses it to control you, shame you, or act abusively toward you (verbal or physical). It's important that you make your mental health as important as hers in this process.

Good luck to you, I hope that you guys are strong enough that you can work together and get over the hump. Acceptance is a tough thing to achieve but if she's motivated to stay with you then that's a huge step in the right direction.

[AnnaMarie]

Sorry to hear it's not worked out well. I guess for every successful coming out story there are several others that don't go as planned. No one at all can say you've either done the right thing or the wrong thing for coming out. I'm out to my other half, it took some doing and I had a feeling how it was going to go and I was proved right. In other words, no one knows BUT YOU how someone will react. Every person has different circumstances and some of these circumstances may mean things are better left in the closet. If I had that Sunday night over again when I poured my heart out to my wife I would seriously have to think hard if I wanted to do it again. We are a strong unit and still very much together but the dynamics of our relationship have changed. Honesty sometimes isn't the right policy but saving someone from heartache and disappointment is.

[Roxy]

As you see in the posts, you are not alone in your marriage struggles on this topic.
I came out about some of my dressing when my wife and I start dating, 10+ years ago. She generally accepts me under dressing or wearing a slip around the house but is worried about what people would think of her if I dressed outside the house.
I really hope you two can work through this.
Hugs,
Roxy

[CONSUELO]

Baby Blue,
I'm sorry to hear that your life is in such turmoil. I don't have any magical piece of advice to give you but two issues struck me. One concerns the counsellor you are using. I wonder if she is really helping you at all. A simple question such as the one you posed about available literature should have prompted an answer. If she really understands cross dressing and transgenderism, she would have read a lot of material. I think you should probe her knowledge and consider finding someone else if she cannot give you some satisfactory answers.
Secondly, I suspect that your wife meeting a good counsellor would help her understand. She is probably all "at sea" at the moment trying to deal with something of which she has no understanding at all.
There are many good books that may help both of you. Just go to Amazon or Barnes and Noble and look up books on cross dressing. You will find a lot and by reading the reviews you will also find those that are most relevant.

As for telling the truth or keeping your cross dressing hidden; at some point she would have found out and that may be the worst way for her to learn.
Keep as strong as you can and my best wishes to you both.

[Kathie Pantyhose]

I just read another article recently posted on a similar topic. Sorry you are going thru this and trust me it will pass in time. You admitting IS the right thing to do for your mind set actually. In time it will be more freeing. Keep talking with her about but still be honest. If you lie now and she finds out, the trust will take forever to rebuild. I know first hand.

After a few years since my wife found pics of me dressed fem, she has come around to not embrace it but accept it as it's who I am. It doesn't change my personality or how I feel about her or our relationship or thegh kids. It's merely a stress release for me to dress fem. All she asked is I don't dress when she is or the kids are home. Which for me is ok because I work from home so I can dress from 8-3 (kids come home from school at 330)

For now, take it slow and don't push her in to a corner to make a decision. That usually ends badly for both. Give her space and time. Let her dictate the speed of the healing process but remain communicative on day to day events to maintain a sense of normalcy somehow. Hopefully it will all work out.

Good luck

bi for now
Kathie P

[docrobbysherry]

If your SO is serious about u 2 staying together she will go to counseling with u. U should insist she go. U both will benefit from it.

If not, she may have already made up her mind she's over u, BayBee---

[BayBeeBlue]

Thanks to ALL replies. They are greatly appreciated....truly.
I have told her recently that she was the boss on this, in that she could say when I could and couldn't do it and to whatever level of dressing, whether it be around her or on my own but she didn't seem to want to go with that.
More recently I told her I would stop but she said "you can't turn it on and off like that".
She has belittled me verbally and lashed out physically which makes me put up my wall or turn the other cheek, literally.
There has been a severe lacking of trust from day one in our relationship as she has had trust issues with past boyfriend's. And to add to that some years ago she found some texts on my phone from another man whom I was sexting at the time....so she thinks this will lead me back to that or further.
She also has said that I am the only one who knows where this is going, as in am I going to want to walk down the street with her en femme (to which she said would never happen) or that I will want to transform completely....I wish I knew where it was going....I also wish I knew where,when & especially why it all started.
When I was a young teenager, many moons ago, I tried to smother myself in bed because I wanted to be a girl.
I told her this recently .... Which did not go down well at all.....why could I not tell her before we got married is the main question at the moment.
She has issues about her femininity and such ie her looks, weight, clothes etc.....all of which have been brought to the fore now thanks to me really.
I feel like S**t...for being me and opening my big mouth.
Everyday now I wonder how much of a belittling I will get although it's not an everyday thing but it could happen at any time.
If you read any of my other posts you'll know how much of a freak I am or at least how messed up I am.
I'm also kind of jealous of you all as nearly every other story has given me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel for both of us.....I think I'll need to bring my own torch if ever I go near a tunnel.
Thanks again for listening)reading and especially for replying.
Kind regards to all,
BBB

[Teresa]

BayBeeBlue,
I understand your comments about what you say between you and your counsellor, I have been through this twice, and it's so hard not to make your wife look bad, I tried so hard but moving forward feels an impossible task when you appear to hit the DADT wall. Sometimes you feel you're going round in circles with your counsellor, they can only help and suggest your wife/partner joins you in counselling. My wife said it was my problem and for me to sort it out , also she wasn't the one that needed fixing. I'm afraid you may get to the point where you lay the cards on the table, I wrote it all down and told my wife that is where I am with my CDing if it's too far outside your comfort zone then separation is the honest thing for both of us to accept. She did become to accept that it was going to happen but 42 years of marriage and all the commitments where too much to walk away from so we compromised and it was accepted that I dress and go out socially, she knows I'm not cheating on her but just satisfying an inner need. She does accept I'm bi-gender, it's the way I'm wired and nothing is going to change that, she still chooses not to see me dressed, which does still hurt because it's a form of rejection.

What you have to work out is that she stops treating you like a punch bag, it's not right that you are being punished for something you can do nothing about.
You shouldn't feel guilty about coming out, it's mentally destructive to continually suppress those feelings, this is all spoken from personal experience,I would hate to see you go down the same road I did and almost end your life. It wasn't the CDing but the the feeling of being rejected and unloved that almost became the final straw. At some point you have to take care of yourself, it's not being selfish eventually you get to point of not functioning, and of no use to anyone, is that what your wife wants ?

[Stephanie47]

I went back and read the posts that you started/ I had made a comment on one. You seem to additional elements to this saga, and, some of them are definitely not good. Firstly, and paramount, nobody should be allowed to physically hit or beat you in a marriage. I do not care if it is the man or woman. Secondly, nobody should berate the other in a marriage.

From your words I can see the need for you to be in therapy. There are issues you need to resolve for yourself about yourself. Your wife also needs to be in therapy with you. From what you're indicating it seems your wife would benefit from therapy for herself also. You indicated issues of self esteem; weight, trust in males, etc. The genie is not going to go back into the bottle.

There is a big different between a casual recreational cross dresser and a transwoman trying to find her identity. I cannot imagine how some men or women survive being torn apart on that issue. Counseling and more counseling. If the issue is the degree or level of cross dressing, and strictly cross dressing, you want to explore, then there is going to have to be some mutual agreement. You cannot push it in her face. She cannot expect you to buckle at the knees and give it up. Frankly, if both of you think how each of you perceive each other will revert to the "I do" wedding day, it's not. She will forever think or at least reflect on your suppress or hidden desires. You? Try living in anguish.

If things cannot be worked out, then both of you will have to think whether or not you really want to live for decades in a less than amicable marriage. Above all, do NOT allow yourself to become the punching bag, physically and emotionally.

[Lana Mae]

Both of you need counsellors-together and separately. You both have many issues. Coming out to her was right to establish trust in the relationship but she already has trust issues so it did not work. Relationships need trust, honesty, and communication. Your relationship is broken because you need to reestablish the trust. As i said above about counsellors. Best wishes going forward. Hugs Lana Mae

[DIANEF]

BayBeeBlue, reading stories likes this makes me wonder if telling my wife about my cross dressing is the right thing to do. I have pretty much made up my mind that I will tell her, but for every inspiring story of acceptance I've seen there are probably as many where things go badly. Like your wife mine has various issues, sometimes low self esteem due to her weight, some medical problems and flashes of temper which can turn physical. I started a post several weeks back about the big reveal, and received some excellent comments and advice, but taking the plunge and telling is a daunting prospect, and your story only reinforces my hesitancy. I am prepared for the worst that can happen, but truly don't want a seperation. I really hope things work out for you guys and you find some way of maintaining your relationship.

[Judy-Somthing]

I hope thing work out well for you.

Well after being in the closet for 38 years I found this site.

It made me feel better about myself. So I told my wife that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

I told her that I dressed up when I was a teenager, I did not tell her I still dress up.

She said "what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, do you have a hidden stash of woman's clothes? Your all screwed up!"

She told me that she felt like she got hit by a BUS and said thing will never be the same and that I better never tell anyone.

About a month later she said if she knew she would never had married me.

Well now six months later the CDing issue has never been mentioned, I'm in the closet and things as far as I can tell are back to normal.

At least until I get caught!

[Dana44]

What ever happened to two people who is to love each other unconditionally. I love my SO unconditionally and she loves me that way. She thinks that my condition is a bit strange but supports me. She tells me daily that I am so good to her. She has been all over with me en femme as well as male. I Had girls through my lifetime that I liked a lot but they never loved me unconditionally. You have done nothing wrong except to answer her inquiry. You have gone to a therapist to help yourself find yourself and she resents it. If you love her unconditionally then should she in return? It is as simple as that in the long run.

[CONSUELO]

You have revealed other aspects that are concerning. There should be no physical or mental abuse between you. If this is really happening then you should seek help. Tell your counsellor at the very least. Also you have talked of sexting with a man. You need to get all of this out in front of the counsellor so that you can understand yourself.
Don't feel guilty. You are not this way because of some moral lapse. You are not responsible for your wife's low self esteem. But both of you need to confront this and talk it through. As I said in a previous comment, get a GOOD counsellor who is experienced in these issues.

[MelanieAnne]

She has belittled me verbally and lashed out physically which makes me put up my wall or turn the other cheek, literally.

This would be a deal breaker for me, and it likely is just going to get worse over time.

She said "what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, do you have a hidden stash of woman's clothes? Your all screwed up!"

She told me that she felt like she got hit by a BUS and said thing will never be the same and that I better never tell anyone.

About a month later she said if she knew she would never had married me.

This too. I couldn't live like that.

[Krisi]

Why are you seeing a counselor? To try to stop dressing or to have someone tell you it's OK?

[Trishpdxcd2]

Well be patient. It isn't easy but my suggestion is to really listen to your wife in respect to other things, try to be especially attentive to her needs. Hopefully she will realize how special you are in many ways and cding is just one. My wife still has a hard time with it but tolerates it though I don't dress around her. But that is something, she knows I love her dearly so just make sure your wife knows that you love her dearly too and you recognize this is a hard thing for her.

[Lorileah]

Why are you seeing a counselor? To try to stop dressing or to have someone tell you it's OK?

Or maybe they need help understanding who they are or maybe someone to talk to or maybe to help keep them from hurting themselves or maybe ... It isn't black or white. And pretty much NOYB

[IleneD]

Baybee,
Sorry you're suffering through this. I know it's not right.
First thing darling, honesty is always best. Honesty with yourself, most of all. Honesty with a few folks close around you. Don't second guess yourself on "coming out". Being You is always the right thing to do (and without being selfish about it).

Dear BB, I don't know the deep details of your situation. If there's children involved, it changes things a little, but not much. If you're just a couple, then I have some advice for you. It's based on experience and observations of marital relationships, gay/hetero, whatever.

The abuse is a bad sign, both the physical and emotional abuse. It's purposeful. It's a power thing. Control. The physical part crosses the line.
That's the time to walk from any relationship. It will never get better, and the Abusers rarely learn that they are wrong.
That's just me. My heart goes out to you.
My brother was in an abusive (straight) marriage where he was the victim and she was the physical and emotional abuser. Don't kid yourself about traditional male/female roles as such. It happens and it's wrong.
Don't tolerate it. There's too much happiness out there.

[Krisi]

Or maybe they need help understanding who they are or maybe someone to talk to or maybe to help keep them from hurting themselves or maybe ... It isn't black or white. And pretty much NOYB

I was asking the OP. Anyone can make a guess. And it was posted on a public forum so maybe it is SOMB.

If she didn't want to talk about it, she wouldn't have posted it.