Dating dilemmas.

[I Am Paula]

There is another thread running about being asked out on a date. It's interesting how little we talk about dating on this forum.
I just wanted to share one of those complete head scratchers that makes us wonder what men (or women, I'm sure they can be just as clumsy) are thinking.
A male member of my photography club sent me a message last spring, along the lines of 'I'm a really good cook, would you care to join me for a meal?' I think any woman would take that as a solicitation for a date.
On a photowalk a week later, I mentioned that his offer was very nice, and sure, I would love to.
Does he buy flowers, and red wine, make a beef bourgignon, and turn on some Luther?
NO, he resigns from the club, and disappears.

Fast forward EIGHT months. Yup EIGHT months. He sent me a FB message. Would I like to go out? No apology.
My thoughts- Hmmm...I'm in a relationship, you're a little late buddy. And more importantly- You're a moron who will never get a date.

[karla2016]

LoL..when I was a man every time that I cooked for a woman the dinner ended at my bed...so if a man invite me to dinner in his place I would be prepared for anything that comes up...by the way, I'm dying to find a man that make an advance on me, but ironically I only have had females flirts, and since I cannot perform as a man sexually anymore I'm afraid to accept and end in total disappointment.

Karla

[Jesse Six]

Hi Paula - I'd say, silver lining: congrats, you're an attractive woman Did he know your status when he asked you out?

Why do people not talk about dating on this forum? There are a lot of people here (including significant others) that are trying to make their marriage work, so this is kinda taboo. Those of us whose marriages have ended are a bit more free to discuss it. Plus there's the stigma that this is ALL about sex, which is silly. Trans people have libidos, just like cis people...

[I Am Paula]

I don't know, I suspect his 'disappearance' had something to do with finding out, but why did he ask me out again so much later?
Thanks for the compliment

[GBJoker]

I don't talk about dating because I've never done it, and don't know anything about it. Plus, as Jesse Six says, I just get the vibe that I shouldn't talk about it here.

[KymberlyOct]

As someone that has been divorced 7 years I am interested in dating and yes even 'talk' about it occasionally. When I first joined this site I posted a thread is anyone actually having sex. That was pretty direct. A better description would have been does anyone date, interact with potential partners, flirt, get positive attention and yes have sex too. IMO transitioning has little to do with dating, relationships and sex however those things are hopefully part of a balanced and happy life so I think it is a reasonable subject topic.

From the trans-women I have met online and in person it seems that the prevailing answer is we are not doing any of these things very much. I know there are exceptions - including a newlywed - you know who you are :-) and some others that are reading this but on the whole I maintain my belief that as a community we have fewer romantic relationships than most people. I am not referring to those still married to their pre- transition spouse but to the single ones of us.

I am still early in my transition and I hope to be pleasantly surprised but my opinion is formed from others that I know and at this point I know approximately 20 trans-women on some sort of personal level. And for those of you that are dating YAY !! You go girl !!

I wrote delete and wrote this final part multiple times but I believe that this site should be about candor so I am going to say it. IMHO I believe many men that are interested in us ( not all - but many) are interested in us solely as a sexual fantasy / fetish. I receive 100s of emails based on two online profiles I posted. I rarely reply anymore. They send an anonymous email - with no pic on their profile - see if we will reply and then run away scared when they receive a pleasant friendly reply. It is almost as if they just want to see if we are real. And what they do from there I have a pretty good guess.

Fortunately, as with most things in life these are generalizations and it is rare that generalizations are always true. I guess it is a numbers game - the more people you get out there and meet the better chance of finding someone interesting and that might even ask you out.

[Jesse Six]

Kymberly, I concur. My experience has been similar. There are some kind, brave guys out there, but searching them out is exhausting and de-spiriting.

Paula, the eight month thing is for real. I've had a message after a year, lol! I wonder if they think I'm a piece of rental equipment - he can come back after months, and I'm still on the shelf waiting for him.
I like to remind those guys that I *am* a human being, and ghosting for months is ridiculous. Any woman would react the same way: be hurt and offended.

[I Am Paula]

Instead of being hurt and offended, I'll just put a horse's head in his mailbox (note to vegans- Of course I would use 'I can't believe it's not horse head').

[Rianna Humble]

'I can't believe it's not horse head'.

LOL.

Perhaps he forgot that he scared himself once before by being accepted by a good loking woman.

[abigailf]

I don't know, I suspect his 'disappearance' had something to do with finding out, but why did he ask me out again so much later?
Thanks for the compliment

Paula: I don't believe that to necessarily be the case. Being trans you will reflexively go to that place and blame such relationship problems on being trans. It's what we do and it is not always the case. Sometimes it is, but not always. The fact that he asked again suggests it wasn't because you were trans.

Sometimes people have things going on in their lives that cause them to do stupid stuff. Nobody has the perfect life and until you know facts it does no good making assumptions. He could have been having problems with a job and had to work over seas or maybe there was a problem with family or maybe he was sick. There are an infinite reasons why.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

...when I was a man ...
Karla

Now this is interesting Karla. Were you ever really a man? Perhaps you were a transgender woman playing a male role. It might be off topic but I find my brain is wired differently than a man's or a woman's and I can't really say "when I was a man..." with any clarity. Which I guess makes it hard to truly understand what guys I date are thinking. (Ha, related it to the topic)

More on the topic from my experience:

I never really dated much before hand because it was always awkward to me. I was always sexually attracted to woman, but never felt comfortable dating them. I do feel comfortable dating men, but I don't find myself sexually attracted to men. Well, okay, athletic men do create a stir in my sweet spot. But mostly I am attracted to guys emotionally and stimulated by their brain content. So I focus less on appearance and more on how they make me feel when I interact with them.

I never disclose to anyone. It's not worth the trouble to me. Let them assume all they want. When I am comfortable with someone, then I may tell them and only if I am ready to introduce them to family. Sometimes even then I probably won't disclose. I am up front with them about one thing. I say that "I am middle aged and like any other middle aged person I do have my baggage. I will not burden you with it and I will check the drama at the door. Someday you may see some of that baggage and at that time we can discuss it if it bothers you."

That is about as deep as I will go, if I decide to disclose anything. I have a ton of things in my past that I don't like to share anymore, being trans is just another item added to the list.

I suppose that makes me a bad tranny because I won't proudly announce who I am. Oh well. I don't think I am alone.

[I Am Paula]

You are definately not alone there.
Dating both men and women should be essentially doubling my odds, but it doesn't always work that way.

[abigailf]

...Dating both men and women should be essentially doubling my odds ....

I am often heard saying the same thing.

[Leah Lynn]

It's been a long, long time... Refresh my memory, what's a date??? Besides those tasty fruits that grow on a palm tree?

Leah

[MarieTS]

I am with Abigail 105%. After all, once the transition is complete, well, that's it. You are who your license says you are.

[nikiaswell]

absolutely!

[HelenR2]

Has anyone actually tried 'I can't believe it's not horse head'?

[MarieTS]

Jesse and Paula: You TWO are TOO Funny! LOL
On the more serious side, just like Abigail explained, I see no reason to immediately blurt out the ts background. All in time, perhaps. But there is the initial adjustment, the fear factor for lack of a better term.
I was surprised how uptight I felt on my soiree. I thought I would feel free and natural but I was so nervous and reserved that if I were a guy I would have said, man, she's a bummer :-(