Telling or not telling the wife

[Becky Blue]

I know that what I am going to be saying will probably raise some interesting comments and I look forward to hearing some of you on this one.

To date I have told my wife only a little bit about my 'gender issues' this is not something that I have done (or not done to be more precise) lightly or without a lot of thought.

First my story in brief. Standard CD from early teen to age 40ish... putting on items of female clothing was a huge turn on, not something I needed to do or had to do and as such once I met my lovely wife and got married, it became something I did very very rarely. Of course I felt no need to share my secret as it was largely irrelevant. Then suddenly almost overnight just over 10 years ago, it all changed for me, I developed a very very strong urge to dress. At that stage I was travelling a lot for work and before I knew it I had my first makeover. I don't need to tell people here what an amazing experience it is to see oneself as a woman for the first time. This is when my inner girl came out and I realised that dressing was now something I had to do. Oh oops almost forgot to mention, the sexual side of dressing totally vanished.

Now a bit about our marriage, very very happily married for over 20 years to a great woman. We are very close in many ways and spend a lot of time together. My wife believes that a happily married couple do not have to tell each other everything, as long as they tell anything and everything that is important or relevant.

So when Becky evolved I was very undecided as to whether I should tell her or not. I felt that this news would not be something that she would be happy about. She would not embrace having a husband that was in any way feminine or even a CD. I knew she would not have ended our marriage but I did feel the news would ruin her life, she would be very very upset and very concerned for the kids finding out.

Given I was travelling so often for work, it became easy for Becky to almost coexist in my life. Over the next few years she had quite a time. I had my first outing in Sydney Australia (more about that one day) wow what an experience. I bought a range of clothes, accessories, wigs, makeup and spent many many happy nights in hotels around the world practicing my make up skills, dressing in and chatting with other girls on Yahoo messenger. Then in 2007 I spent a large amount of the year in the USA mostly in San Fran. I call that the year of Becky, I found a group of girlfriends and went out numerous times. Although we sent many nights in bars and clubs dancing etc. I never once came close to doing anything inappropriate as they say unless you call dressing up as a girl inappropriate but you know what I mean..

So a lot of thinking about telling my wife, but although I came close once, I felt that I would be devastating her world, and that of course I would loved to have shared my secret but that was perhaps selfish. I did think at that stage that I was maybe heading for transition as I had incredibly strong urges to dress and I really felt myself to be more female than male inside, or course I would have to have told her if I had to follow that option.

Luckily I decided not to tell her as Becky left me in late 2007, as quickly as she came she left. This time though the sexual side of CDing didn't come back either. For the next 4 years I had no Becky, no desire to dress, it was as if that side of me had died.

Some stage in the 3rd year it somehow came up in conversation (too personal to explain how) but the net result was I told my wife that I used to have desires to dress but they had left me 3 years ago. She did not ask if I had dressed, probably scared of the answer, so we left it at that.

In 2012 Becky came back to me in a way. Since then I get urges and desires to dress, to go out, but then just when i think it will overwhelm me they go. So now i find myself in that genderfluid world where I know that I am more of a woman inside but I don't feel like I am trapped in the wrong body and some occasional dressing or outing seems to be enough for me, as long as I can express myself here on facebook etc.

So although at times I think perhaps I should share with my wife, how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!! I have also now been in this game for long enough now to know that how I feel today may well change again. But right now life is very good, I am gifted to have Becky and am very lucky to be able to occasionally get her out safely.

Sorry for the loooong post, feel free to ask me anything and happy to take some criticism for my decision to date.
Bec
xx

[Helen 2]

Hi Becky and before I offer my thoughts, I want to share that my family and I will be visiting Australia over our Christmas week, Cairns (or 'Caans' as I've been lectured to pronounce) for a few days diving the Reef and then Melbourne for the New Year's party, the Bridge Walk and a few other things...a 'bucket list dream' finally coming true. Sadly, no femme time for me, though.

I shared my story with my wife before we married, and although she does not participate nor wants Helen in her life, she travels often and allows me to be Helen as much as I want to when she is not around. She has seen everything on 'that side' of 'that closet', borrowed some things very occasionally, seen me dressed twice (at her request) and generally accepts Helen but not in her presence, a reasonable DADT situation.

I told her about Helen before we married because I had two simple questions:
- Was I ready to live a lie with the woman I loved?
- Was she really the woman I could spend the rest of my life with because if she could not deal with Helen in our lives even if occasionally, then it just wasn't going to work.

After so many years dressing in secret and with several 'on that topic' conversations you have had with your SO, I would not be surprised that 'she knows' -or at least suspects- so basically, you have to ask yourself the same two questions and decide for yourself. And yes, that could be risky.
If she takes it hard, be prepared to put more skin in the game in the form of counselling and other means to better educate your spouse on why this is something that will be there forever, etc and take it from there.

The truth is never easy but it might set both of you free

[Wyomingal1]

I feel your conflict with this. I know from experience that the sooner you tell her the better. But do it slowly. You already had one conversation about this. You did not say if it was good or bad. She has it in her mind that you have these desires, what she may not know (she may know) is that these are a part of you. Becky has been with you since your early teens, probably earlier. It sounds like you are very happy with your wife. After 20ish years, if you bring up Becky she may be able to hear you, but she may not want to see her. After this long your wife might feel betrayed too because you have not said anything about this and it has been 10ish years. My "vote" is to start telling her but do it slow. If you have any pics she might be able to look at those after a few conversation.
Anyway good luck
Hugs and kisses
Jessie

[bridget thronton]

I needed to tell my wife because keeping secrets was not in my nature - tough at first, but she loves and accepts this side of me (been married 41 years). Our adult children are also accepting. You know yourself and your wife better than I do so only you know is best.

[mykell]

well these threads tend to get contentious sooner than later, for me my reason was what would she think had i passed on and not been able to answer any of her concerns about me and her when she found my things ??? so whether you have the discussion or not is your choice, for your reasons.....but at the very least pen her a letter or video explaining what you just shared here to put her at ease and leave it with your stash of becky things....

[Teresa]

Becky,
I can understand how tricky this is, my CDing doesn't ebb and flow, I have a gut feeling or need 24/7, so i knew things had to change I just couldn't live with that feeling of suppression.
For people like you who are gender fluid the question of telling is more difficult, you may find if you give it long enough the feelings may not come back at all, so why say anything, it would be in your past. I know that is said with some doubts because it could come back so strong you may feel like transition next time, there are no fixed rules in all this.
I'm inclined to write it all down with totally honesty , no BS just facts, I believe how your CDing started is important or at least it is in my case so include that, if you mention your dressing on trips abroad don't make a big thing of how good it was just give truthful details that you feel may be important.

You would then have two choices, ask your wife if she would like to see and understand what went on in your past or wait until the urge comes back and show her what you have written down to explain what is happening and how it will take it's course .
At the end of the day all this is inside your head, whether it's an everyday feeling or spasmodic you can't take those feelings away they are part of you and you must be honest with yourself about it. The important point is if you're not gay or don't want to transition you wife isn't losing a husband and the kids aren't losing a father.That is important and my family now see it that way,they just accept it is a part of me and give me the space I need to deal with it.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Been there. I didn't tell her when the feeling started. We were married and I know her well and know it would not end well..I WAS RIGHT. Then two years back I meet the perfect lady. We fell in love.. l told her I had a deal breaker...she laugh after I tell her...IS THAT ALL! She has been in Em's closet..asked to use stuff, seen photos, and buy me panties. But I don't dress around her...okay panties toenail hair and earrings. So far I don't feel the need to take the chance of losing her
Em

[MissTee]

Hey Becky, I can completely relate to the ebb and flow of dressing. I experience that. Some days, or weeks, I just don't dress at all. Others, I go all out on clothes, make-up, etc. I suppose you could say I go with the feeling and don't worry about it.

Can I ask what are your expectations of your wife once she hears from you. Do you want her to support or simply tolerate, or is there something more you hope to gain?

[CONSUELO]

I have experienced my desire to cross dress ebb and flow but the highs and lows have not been large like yours. I often say this to other girls on this site but I wonder if some time with a counselor who has expertise would help. I sense that you have two problems understanding yourself and then being able to have your wife understand you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Fascinating story, especially Becky's sudden appearance and disappearance. Thanks for sharing.

You've made it work so far, but perhaps retirement might be a bit trickier, when you're home full time? For now I think you're wise to let sleeping dogs lie, potentially jeopardising a happy marriage is a very big gamble.

[Jenniferathome]

... a happily married couple do not have to tell each other everything, as long as they tell anything and everything that is important or relevant.

So when Becky evolved I was very undecided as to whether I should tell her or not. ...

Well, it's pretty clear you DON'T believe you should tell her things that are important. This not a gray area. Cross dressing IS relevant.

[ClosetED]

I see you joined 11 years ago, so you know there are many opinions here. My wife has known for last 25 years of 27 years of marriage, but she hates my Ellen side but knows I can't live without it, so tries her best to ignore it. I agree you should tell your wife but slowly. Read Jennifer's link on how to tell your wife to prepare. If you are not sure who you are, then maybe some therapy to help sort you out or ask here to help sort out your basic needs vs fantasies. As you said "am very lucky to be able to occasionally get her out safely" - if wife knew and allowed you to do that, would you be satisfied?
Hugs, Ellen

[leannejacobs]

I had a forced confession after 20+ years of marriage, my wife knew I was hiding something and assumed it was an affair, she had found my underwear stash a few years previous which was never spoken about, I had to tell her to get the idea that I could be unfaithful out of her mind, I did a lot of research on here before I took the plunge, I wrote a letter and prepared some pics with my face blurred, I waited until we were in bed one night and told her I had something to confess, I read her the letter and showed her the pics, emphasising the fact that there was no sexual element in it for me and that I had no desires to transition,, she took it pretty bad to start with.
After I gave her some time to digest this new information I spoke to her again, explaining why I needed to come clean, she asked to see my clothes and then instructed me to dress for her, it was very awkward but she was fine with it, fast forward and I now get to dress in her presence regularly and she actually enjoys socialising with Leanne.
The biggest hurt through it all was the deception, the fact that I kept it from her so long, if you're going to tell her, do it soon and tell all, don't hold anything back, let her absorb it and then move very slowly, best of luck.

[DIANEF]

I've been debating if I should tell my wife about my CDing for a long time. I had pretty much decided that it was the right thing to do and have been mentally preparing for the day. Now I am conflict with myself. One half is saying. yes,tell, you owe it to her not to keep this secret any longer. The other half is saying, no. you've got this far without her knowing, what effect will it have on her and us if she is told. At the moment we are reasonably happy with each other, we're not super close but have a good balance of time together and time to do our own thing. We have a nice house, a decent social life. some good friends. All that could come crashing down in an instant, or it could go much better than I expected, I really don't know. My CDing has never ebbed and flowed like it has for some, it is always there and as I get older the desire is if anything getting stronger. As someone once said, what a tangled web we weave....

[ReineD]

I did think at that stage that I was maybe heading for transition as I had incredibly strong urges to dress and I really felt myself to be more female than male inside, or course I would have to have told her if I had to follow that option.

To place this in your timeline, this was the 2007 year in San Francisco that you call the year of Becky. So why do you think that strong urges to dress means that you are more female than male inside. All crossdressers experience strong urges to dress, and I may add, extremely strong urges. This is the nature of the crossdressing. If I may provide a small scale analogy, it’s like wanting that last piece of (fill in the blank with your favorite treat) in the fridge, when you’re on a diet. You’ve had a good dinner, but you start thinking about it at 11 at night, even though your rule is that you will not eat after 9pm. You start thinking about it, and within 15-30 minutes, you’ve convinced yourself it’s only one time and you've been good (there is only one piece left), and the urge to eat it is overpowering. So you eat it.

Why do you think that similar strong urges to experience femininity means that your gender identity has changed. Is it because your brain has linked dressing up as a girl with "being" a girl? If this were the case, every CDer who dresses as a girl would be a girl, which certainly isn’t the case. Having gone from crossdressing with a strong sexual urges earlier in life, to no longer needing sexual gratification, does not mean that one has graduated to having Gender Dysphoria.

Do you feel uncomfortable with your male body and your male sexual functioning? If not, then you don’t have GD (which is feeling that your gender identity does not match your body). But having strong urges to experience the benefits of dressing up, even if there is no need for sexual gratification, does describe the crossdressing as it is experienced by many middle-aged men.

In 2012 Becky came back to me in a way. Since then I get urges and desires to dress, to go out, but then just when i think it will overwhelm me they go. So now i find myself in that genderfluid world where I know that I am more of a woman inside but I don't feel like I am trapped in the wrong body and some occasional dressing or outing seems to be enough for me, as long as I can express myself here on facebook etc.

You’ve answered your own question. You do not feel trapped in the wrong body. But I’m still confounded about your definition of "more of a woman inside". I’m assuming you feel great when you do crossdress and the need to engage in the transformation is impossible to resist, but feeling great about the CDing does not a woman make. Like I said, you are wanting to relieve the urge, like that treat in the fridge, only it involves a lot more preparation, the block of time allocated to it is longer than the time it takes to eat a treat, and it does involve the outward appearance of being a woman. In between the CDing sessions you feel comfortable, you do not want to rid yourself of your male body (even if you have strong urges to have boobs), and so what you have is the garden-variety urges that all crossdressers experience, even if it is no longer sexual (which tends to diminish for many middle-aged CDers).

So although at times I think perhaps I should share with my wife, how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!!

Instead of telling her "I don't know", why don't you simply tell her what you told us (except you will need to change your idea that when you feel a strong urge to crossdress, it means you are a girl inside). It doesn't. If you can change your inner-language, it may make it easier to explain this to your wife without jeopardizing your relationship. You can honestly tell her what you’ve told us, that you have strong urges to express femininity but you do not feel you are in the wrong body, and so you need the time and space to express yourself when the urges manifest themselves. Leave the "I’m more of a girl than a boy inside" out of it, since you do not experience Gender Dysphoria. To enjoy the feelings associated with presenting as an attractive girl (I assume you enjoy feeling pretty) is not the same as a rejection of your male body and identity.

[Becky Blue]

Wow some really great and deep responses and thanks to everyone xx. I will try and answer all of the questions as well as add some clarifications too as I take some time to absorb it all.

What I want to stress and I know some of you may disagree with this, but my primary reason for NOT telling is because of my love for my wife, but I know that a full confession WILL upset her a lot. I think that for me to tell her at this stage would be quite selfish as I have a lot to gain if she was accepting.

If my circumstances change and I had to take Becky further of course I would have no choice but to tell her, but on the other hand maybe this is as far as I will ever go and if that means a happy wife and a great marriage is not put at risk for no compelling reason.

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I shared my story with my wife before we married, and although she does not participate nor wants Helen in her life, she travels often and allows me to be Helen as much as I want to when she is not around. She has seen everything on 'that side' of 'that closet', borrowed some things very occasionally, seen me dressed twice (at her request) and generally accepts Helen but not in her presence, a reasonable DADT situation.

I told her about Helen before we married because I had two simple questions:
- Was I ready to live a lie with the woman I loved?
- Was she really the woman I could spend the rest of my life with because if she could not deal with Helen in our lives even if occasionally, then it just wasn't going to work.

After so many years dressing in secret and with several 'on that topic' conversations you have had with your SO, I would not be surprised that 'she knows' -or at least suspects- so basically, you have to ask yourself the same two questions and decide for yourself. And yes, that could be risky.
If she takes it hard, be prepared to put more skin in the game in the form of counselling and other means to better educate your spouse on why this is something that will be there forever, etc and take it from there.

The truth is never easy but it might set both of you free

Helen, at the end of the day for me having a great marriage is when you both love each other and still want to spend time with each other after more than 20 years together. Nobody is perfect nor is any relationship. I see one of my roles in life is to make my wife happy, that in turn makes me happy. If I had known about my 'female side' early in our relationship of course I would have told her, but by the time Becky emerged it was too late.

[Charlotte Ann]

As an accepting wife I must chime in and say "yes" tell her. There is no reason to add every detail of your history however as you have brought it up before odds are she good she's paying attention and knows more than you may think. I have seen first hand how difficult it may to answer the questions that will be asked. My husband had more unknowns than definitive answers on how much "Bobbie" was a part of him but that was honest. Something I had an easier time accepting than why I didn't know a couple years before. Honestly is freedom regardless of the outcome and love only survives with trust. If she finds out on her own the consequences are far worse. Think answering questions you don't have scripted answers for is ruff .Try " what else are you hiding ?" Or why did you betray me all these years ? When she no longer has a reason to believe the answers . You are gambling with emotions yours and your wife's. You say you two are close. if that is true gamble on the strength and respect for your relationship. With open communication and time you might find your wife enjoys Becky's time as much as I enjoy Bobbie's.

C

[Sandy silk]

This type of post elicits a myriad of responses and not a single one may apply as none of us knows the intricacies of each other's relationships. I can only relay my course of action. As I have written in the past, I was only a lingerie wearer for strictly sexual gratification...no desire to go past that for over thirty years. I am now in my late sixties, travelled extensively for work and had many "private" times. For many a decade..I stopped cold turkey. Then I retired, had time on my hands even though my days are filled. Like many here..it hit me like a brick out of nowhere. All,of a sudden a deep desire to totally CD...where did this descend on me from...no clue. It started to eat at me from within..felt like exploding. I discovered this site...got tired of CD porn..not attracted to it. I had no idea what breast forms etc were..but started a secret buying spree..an almost uncontrollable need to buy womens' clothing...and like many here...the sexual compulsion disappeared. I thought I was in deep trouble on a personal level. I am so happily married, and was in terrible fear.
About two months ago, I was so wound up I sat my wife down and said we needed to talk...she never saw this coming...was I about to confess an affair, being gay...who knew. I was in turmoil and told her everything..how I masterbated in hose for decades while on the road etc but now that I'm home and have no privacy I want to dress as a woman. She listened and did not react positively or negatively-we have been together over forty five years. I felt the weight leave my shoulders-I'm out..what next. OK-I apologize..I next over did it..wanted to talk about it all the time...she said...ok..but let's take a break of this constant CD pushing...hard to do.

I backed off, but being the type A I am...I said I want you to see me dressed...and I don' understand make up...I need help. She said she would help...I dressed-sat down on her side of the bathroom and she did my make up and then I put my wig on. Like many here she said she envied my legs. The ice was broken...it calmed me down. Since then I am much more considerate. She doesn't want to be bombarded with this...in my fantasy I want to dress like twins like the folks on YOUTube . Not happening just yet, but I know her...and we'll get here gently. She told me that since she does not use a lot of make up...she had a great face lift a couple of years ago, that I should watch some how to,videos. I did but told her it was overwhelming and I need help buying the proper make up...again she said she'd help. Now once a week, I ask her if I dress will she help me. If she's not tired she will..and I love her for it. Today we discussed a minor money expenditure and I quipped "well there goes my new cocktail dress" she laughed. Now we shop Amazon together and she tells me what is appropriate or not. I have three wigs..I like my silver one as it's age appropriate but she said put the blond one on.

So that's my story...what is so weird is that she has a great body and I look at here and envy her....I would "kill" for that cleavage or those shapely hips. She helped me in to my corset and it was fun. We've been together a very long time...and I'm free...it's so good.

[ellbee]

Well, it's pretty clear you DON'T believe you should tell her things that are important. This not a gray area. Cross dressing IS relevant.

That's crazy-talk.

Remember: No one cares!

[ReineD]

What I want to stress and I know some of you may disagree with this, but my primary reason for NOT telling is because of my love for my wife, but I know that a full confession WILL upset her a lot. I think that for me to tell her at this stage would be quite selfish as I have a lot to gain if she was accepting.

Oops, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought when you asked this in your OP: "how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!!", you wanted to know WHAT to tell her. So if you don't dress much and a lot of it is just participating here and on facebook, you're not in a position to outright lie to her? If this is the case, then it's up to you as to what to do. But keep in mind that you are withholding something that you consider is important. Should she ever find out, she will feel lied to even though by not telling her you do not feel you are lying and this would erode the marital trust.

But, should you ever decide to tell her, then you should change your inner-language and tell her what you told us rather than lead her to understand that you do struggle with gender identity.

If my circumstances change and I had to take Becky further of course I would have no choice but to tell her, but on the other hand maybe this is as far as I will ever go and if that means a happy wife and a great marriage is not put at risk for no compelling reason.

If you had Gender Dysphoria you would not be able to have a great marriage with your wife under the present circumstances. You would hate it that she thinks of you as a man.

[Becky Blue]

Reine, thanks very much for your very detailed response, but I have to disagree with your premise. You are saying that if a person does not hate their body is not convinced that they are the wrong gender then they are a 'just' CD.

I believe that gender is a continuum and its not as simple as you either have GD or you don't. Take myself as a good example. I have many characteristics and attributes that are more associated with females. I don't hate my body per se, but I hate aspects of it such as body hair. Would I love to have boobs? Yes but I would love to have smooth legs more.
I don't enjoy many of typical male behaviours, I don't enjoy the company of groups of guys. I don't ever feel or think I look good in guys clothes, the only time I ever feel i look good is when I am enfemm. I could give another 20 examples.

So yes I show attributes of GD at times, but for whatever reason it doesn't make my life miserable and my compulsion to be a woman seems to be temporary. So that is why at this stage I can see no benefit to my wife of sharing more than she knows already.

[sandijons]

think youe on the right track becky we use the term transition the infers you were someone else. the journey to be becky or sandi includes them. always a part of you

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your beautiful dianei understand your urges to dress even more . know what your going tosay . start a conversation about crossdress celebrity get a feel for her opinion she may show a good deal about what she sees as acceptable . di this before you talk to her about your situation
not want to

[ReineD]

Reine, thanks very much for your very detailed response, but I have to disagree with your premise. You are saying that if a person does not hate their body is not convinced that they are the wrong gender then they are a 'just' CD.

So, what's "just CD"?

Forum members have developed a language of "just CD" and "more than CD", as if there is some sort of hierarchy that makes one serious, and one not. A lot of people think if a CDer is sexually aroused when he dresses, then he's a fetish CD and is not as serious about it as someone who isn't sexual aroused. But really, there's not much difference between someone who gets sexually aroused over it and someone who doesn't. Libido is a highly individual thing and it also changes throughout a man's life, so it cannot be used as a barometer for "how much of a CD/more-than-CD am I". Both the "just" and the "more than" might have the same taste in clothes, might have developed the same ability to put on makeup well, both might dress to the same degree of frequency, both might go out dressed to the same places, etc, etc, etc.

So let's look at "just a CD" in more detail. Is it a teenager who is just starting out and gets off on the pair of panties he stole from the girl's locker room? Or the older teenager who has accumulated a small stash of complete outfits, hose, lingerie, and who gets off frequently in his room, only to rip it off and then do something with the guys? Or is it the same person 10 years later who loves to go to TG friendly nightclubs to flirt with all the guys while wearing wild eye makeup and mini skirts? Or does he stop being "just a CD" when 10 years after that, he is married with kids and dresses less frequently, and it is no longer as sexual as it once was (although it still is sometimes). Or has he then graduated to more than "just a CD" 10 years after that, when his kids are gone and his wife is so accepting that he wears a house dress and some makeup most nights after he comes from work, and a nightie to bed? No, this person has been the same along. The difference between the stages is a natural maturity that we all go through and that affects our changing approaches to any circumstance, even those not dealing with the crossdressing.

But fundamentally, we do have two important distinctions within this community and they are "those who will transition" and "those who will not". Those who will transition are usually referred to as TS, or some refer to themselves as TG. But there are a slew of words to describe those who will not transition: crossdresser, bigender, gender-fluid, gender nonconforming, non-binary, TG, etc, etc, etc.

If your wife becomes upset over the CDing, I suspect she will mostly fear transition. And since you clearly stated above that you do not feel you are in the wrong body, chances are that you will not transition. After that, you can attach any label to yourself you would like, but to say you a a woman inside (which indicates a mismatch between your body and your gender identity) doesn't describe the things you've told us about yourself in this thread.

You might be interested in reading the link below, which is one of the clearest explanations I've seen of Gender Dysphoria, from the National Health System in the UK. It describes transsexualism. And finally, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not being TS, no matter which word you prefer to use to describe yourself.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-.../Symptoms.aspx

[Becky Blue]

Reine, I agree with a lot of what you have said above, that exactly why I put the 'just' a CD in inverted commas. Your distinction of either you transition or you don't is actually the only relevant one, the rest are just labels. But labels do help a lot in understanding what we are.

Back on topic of telling my wife... I think if I was simply a guy who liked to dress or got sexually stimulated I would tell my wife as it would be pretty innocuous. If I had to transition clearly I would be telling her. I guess its that middle ground that creates the level of discomfort and fear of unknown that is part of my reason for not upsetting her by telling.

[ReineD]

<EDIT> Ooops again, Becky, I'm editing this post to tell you that you posted your #24 while I was typing this. Anyway, if you are happy and your wife is happy, then all is good. </EDIT>

I believe that gender is a continuum

Everything in life is a continuum. Every single human trait is on a continuum. For example, some people are naturally extremely jealous, others don't have a jealous bone in their body, and there are all those at various degrees of jealousy in between. But, no human trait and no personal preference can be placed into a male or female gender box as if to define some sort of gender continuum. Every human being has the full capacity to experience all human emotions, and the preferences we all have are social contructs. Raise a girl in a society were girls don't wear pink, and she will not be drawn to wearing pink. Where there is NOT a continuum is in our biological sex. We are either male or female (with the male or female primary and secondary sexual characteristics), with a small percentage of people who are born statistically anomalous as intersex.

I have many characteristics and attributes that are more associated with females. I don't hate my body per se, but I hate aspects of it such as body hair. Would I love to have boobs? Yes but I would love to have smooth legs more.

You and just about every other CDer in this forum! It makes sense that if the desire is to look female, then any slight body modification in order to make it look and feel feminine would be preferred. How many CDers here have said they LOVE the feel of nylons over their freshly shaved legs. This is indeed part of the CDing. My own SO keeps his body shaved at all times.

I don't enjoy many of typical male behaviours, I don't enjoy the company of groups of guys. I don't ever feel or think I look good in guys clothes, the only time I ever feel i look good is when I am enfemm.

First, a lot of guys aren't into stereotypical male behaviors. I have three sons. None of them are into tinkering with cars, two of them aren't particularly into sports (although one was as a teenager), two of them are fantastic cooks (they enjoy the kitchen more than their girlfriends), one of them is an artist, one is very picky about how his house looks and is decorated, and I could go on too, while my other son's fiancée is a sports therapist at a high school and she is naturally crazy for sports! As to not enjoying the company of men, I don't blame you if your only experiences have been among groups of beer guzzling guys who beat their chests and talk about sports. But, did you ever have a male friend you were close to, with whom you could talk to about a variety of things including any issues you may have had in your personal life? This isn't much different than talking to a GG about the same things. And sorry to bring up my sons again, but the middle one is single and hangs out with a sizable group of people of both men and women. They do a lot of things together, and they engage in activities while together that both the men and women like. He enjoys doing things much more with the entire gang than spending a weekend out in the woods with just the guys. As to not liking guy clothes, you're certainly not alone. We had a longstanding thread in this section years ago where a majority of CDers said they couldn't be bothered to dress up nicely as men. Their best efforts went into their feminine looks. My own SO could put his entire male wardrobe in one large suitcase, yet there are two rooms full of female clothes.

The mind is a complex thing. If you do enjoy experiencing femininity, it makes sense that you will seek what you might consider is stereotypical femininity, which includes hanging out with just the girls and engaging in what you might consider is girl talk? But just so you know, when I get together with my female friends we discuss politics, current events, carreers, events in our lives, etc, even sports sometimes (one friend describe the Cubs World Series game in great detail), just like men talk about.

So yes I show attributes of GD at times, but for whatever reason it doesn't make my life miserable and my compulsion to be a woman seems to be temporary. So that is why at this stage I can see no benefit to my wife of sharing more than she knows already.

You should read the medical definition of GD above.

Having said all I said here, please understand that my focus in telling you all of this is to help you explain it all to your wife, should she find your stash of clothes one day and demand an explanation. If you tell her you have Gender Dysphoria but you are happy in your male body and as a male in between feminine experiences, even if your urges to dress are the strongest things you experience, then your personal definition does not agree with the medical profession's. And if you tell her you are a woman, it will make it a lot harder for her to accept than if you tell her what you told us, which is that you enjoy expressing femininity on occasion and you do not feel you are in the wrong body.

... But, if you want to think of yourself as a woman, then of course you can think of yourself this way.