I had to tell my wife.
Always best to not keep it a secret from your SO.
I had to tell my wife.
Always best to not keep it a secret from your SO.
Melissa: "... and why are you dressed as a woman?"
Coach McGuirk: "Because it's freeing."
-Home Movies
(cartoon series)
Shoe size: 9 US women's.
Dress size: M to L; 8-10.
Height: 5' 6".
I understand Becky, it is always a risk. However if you do tell her do it very slowly and listen to Reine, as she listed things that you should not revel. I have been though many women in my life and had told each one. But my latest girlfriend, I told her and it was a bit rocky at first but now no problems.so one never knows for sure. But to keep something so vital from her is like your are living two lives apart. If you do revel to her and she is somewhat receptive then things will be better for Becky. But if it turns into DADT situation at least she knows and Becky will be okay also. .
Part Time Girl
Reine, To take up your point about GD, do you accept there is a sliding scale or just the black and white medical definition , I can understand Becky's comments I feel I have GD as did my counsellor, it's not always a case hating body parts, I know I've lived with the gut feeling or need 24/7 for most of my life, hating male body parts or wanting female ones is only part of GD,the brain is trying to live both sides without the need to change physically, dressing feels enough to achieve that , I don't work hard on my body shape but it serves both male and female sides of me very well. Maybe it's why I don 't go for all the extra padding or corsetry, I feel I'm enough of a female to achieve that , I now feel as comfortable dressed as in drab .
Tell the wife or not? Mine outing has a little different twist. I had dabbled in my mother's lingerie draw and had gone as squeezing into one of her sun dresses as a young teenager. I wore some of her bras and ugly panties, slips, girdles, hosiery and a dress. However, as I got older the urge disappeared. When I was in the military I totally forgot about anything concerning wearing women's clothing. Not a thought. Not an urge. I married. My wife was a dynamite looking woman who looked great in lingerie. We spent many Saturday afternoons perusing and buying lingerie in mid town Manhattan; Macy's, Gimbel's, Lord and Taylor..all the stores.
One night after a romantic bout in bed I put on a white peignoir gown. She found me in it in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. I explained I loved the feel of nylon. That was no lie. She was receptive and my wearing a nylon gown was incorporated into the bedroom scene on occasion. We did end up buying me a black floor length gown, a pink knee length peignoir set, garter belt and stockings. She gave me a red knee length peignoir set someone had gifted her that she did not like. Everything went along fine for a number of years. I started to peruse and buy full slips. Then I could not resist a Vanity Fair vivid red bra I found one Christmas. I kept it tucked away in my armoire. Our toddler daughter opened that draw and yanked out the red bra. That led to "The Talk." And, that led to her being totally turned off. No more romantic settings with me in a gown. It all went into a downhill slide. DADT. It was difficult for her to what "Tootsie" (1982).
It seems incorporating some degree of 'kinky' sex into romance was alright and encouraged, but, any expression of womanhood was too much akin to lesbianism.
Becky,
This is a personal question which I'm asking on an open forum , if you chose not to answer that's fine.
You say you're reluctant to come out to your wife because you love her so much and you don't want to hurt her, I can't deny that's great to hear that and I commend you for it. We are to assume your wife has those same feelings for you but dare we ask without reservations, so the question is are you more afraid of losing that love for you ?
I'm asking this from my personal point of view, I will admit that my wife doesn't show excessive emotions and has very rarely in forty years of marriage put her arms round me and told me she loved me, if I tried it with her most times she would brush it aside telling me not to be so stupid .
When I came out to her twenty years ago it felt like a millstone being lifted off my shoulders, it also opened up deep affection for her which I felt when we first dated , I so wanted to share the whole aspect of CDing with her, bearing in mind I'm bi-gender so there was a lot of deep feelings as well as the sharing of clothes , I tried tactfully to tell her this.
For the first couple of weeks she was OK about things, she knew it was very deep because she has never seen my cry before or since the day I told her . From that point I had much deeper feelings for her but hers ebbed away, my whole being felt rejected and unloved, my mood spiraled down to where I nearly ended my life . I was sent for counselling by my GP but that lasted two sessions because my counsellor needed to see my wife and she totally refused , he said the therapy couldn't progress without the cooperation of both of us. The outcome was long term use of Prozac.
It did get me through but every so often the question of how much she loves me does come up, I have to admit on occasions I feel like the paid handyman.
I was still on the rollercoaster when I joined the forum after a further twenty years. It's taken me three years of sharing thoughts with other members and two separate sessions of counselling, the first to determine if I had thoughts of self harm again and then followed on with gender counselling. During that period we did nearly separate but we realised too many other people were going to get hurt so we compromised, I get to go out socially but she doesn't want to see me although we do have conversations about the meetings.
As I asked in a thread a while ago , " Do you enjoy your double life ?" and that's what I'm living, we both know how I would prefer to live it but at the moment it works.
Sorry I've gone on some but the question I asked is which are you more afraid of, spoiling the love you have for your wife or risk losing the love she has for you ?
Last edited by Teresa; 11-11-2016 at 02:25 PM.
Yes, I do believe the medical profession. They follow (or they should follow) the WPATH Standards of Care (World Professional Association for Transgender Health). I do not have a medical degree specializing in transgender health and so I do not presume to know more than the hundreds of field professionals who have worked together to bring about Standards that have informed our healthcare systems (in the US, UK and other countries) on the treatment of Gender Dysphoria. Without the WPATH, doctors would still be refusing to give their patients hormones and SRS would not be so widely available.Originally Posted by Teresa
It's been awhile since I read the Standards (there are hundreds of pages), but I believe they refer to people like Becky who do not wish to transition but who do feel they have gender issues, as "gender-nonconforming". There are many other ways to indicate that someone is gender nonconforming, for example using terms like non-binary, gender-fluid, bigender, and about 50 other terms. Many people who are gender-nonconforing or non-binary do crossdress. And so saying things like "I'm not just a CD" or "I'm more than a CD" doesn't make a lot of sense to me, since a lot of people in the gray areas do think of themselves as "crossdressers".
Last edited by ReineD; 11-11-2016 at 09:34 PM.
Reine
Teresa, I am not concerned about her stopping to love me or that I may stop loving her. The question I always ask myself is really quite simple: How will her life be any better if I tell her more? If she knew more she would be concerned about the kids finding out, about what her friends think, about where I want to take Becky, about how this could effect my work, thats just 4 examples of many many more.
We have a good and happy life, what can be gained by telling her? Of course I know things can change perhaps I can no longer be happy with a very part time Becky and then of course I will have to reevaluate, but for now you know what they say about sleeping dogs.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
My wife found out by accident 9 years ago by coming home unexpectedly during the day while I was dressed. I never got the chance to openly confess to her before she found out.
What I did wrong after that was a mistake I hope no one else makes.
After a couple of days from when she found out she told me that she loved me and excepted who I was. She told me that she was OK with me crossdressing. She only had a couple of rules. Dont wear her clothes and don't dress when she was home. I accepted this and was happy she accepted me. She even gave me some clothes to keep. The problem was that she was quitting her job shortly to stay home and raise our soon to be born son. This meant that since she was home all the time I had basically zero time to dress. I suffered a lot of anguish from this and started drinking excessively to drown my sorrows. It led to me doing a lot of things that would ruin the trust between us.
After years of that and then finally sobering up I started connecting with others online and found that I was very unhappy with how I let the direction of my life go. So I wrote a letter to my wife explaining how I really felt and what I needed to stay happy. She was totally understanding and we had the best conversation of our marriage.
My life has changed immensely for the better and it was because I finally opened up and was completely honest with her.
This is actually THE question for me as it hits the nail on the head, what do I (capital I) hope to gain... if I tell her it will be either because I have to or because I can see some benefit to her in knowing more.
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That is a very good idea, thank you so much for that. My stash is very securely stored at my office in a private locked storeroom. I will write a letter and l;eave it with my things in the event that it is found should I pass away... thanks so much for such a great idea xx
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Becky,
I fully understand your reasons, as you say you are gender fluid, the ebb and flow must confuse sometimes so I can see your dilemma .
As I said it's a continuous feeling for me no ebb and flow, it does get to the point where the pressure of suppression is too great you eventually have to say something before a worse situation occurs. My counsellor was surprised and upset at the level of suppression I had lived with for so long , this is my point to Reine and also why my counsellor agreed I had GD.
I know I'm relating to my own situation but there does become a point where you have to be honest and come to terms with your own inner feelings, it's not being selfish it is to prevent you from entering a situation where you cease to function and become little use to anyone . My wife still wants a husband, my children still need dad and I want to be there to be for the grandchildren. It has to be in the open for that to happen you need that space and will only get it when they know your needs, my children don't love me any less .
Teresa, I think that you are 100% correct, and if i ever reached that point (I was close about 10 years ago, before Bec left me) But right now I am a long way off feeling any level of suppression or denial. I am happily going with the flow and the ebb
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
An interesting post and much understanding, right now I feel like a pressure cooker, here in the UK for some of us theres's a thing to maintain ths manly issue
( husband , dad, etc), my god I'm right grouchy right now, want to tell the truth, a few trailers and in jokes about CD' ing, except my SO is the sort of woman who needs a man.. well, to be a man
I came clean a few years ago and it is not easy. We all know it comes and goes ...but I am confident I am Trisha and she is me. I just want to be me and I suspect you want to be you. We can hide, not tell etc but it is killer ....I wish it were different for all of us, that we could love a women and she would understand. Yes, I get the other side of this but after 50 years , I just want us all to have understanding too.
No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.
Jennifer, not arguing, just understanding... why do you believe that Crossdressing IS relevant?
Take this true scenario... I travelled to the USA on a work trip 2 other colleagues from other countries where there at the same time. Each night after dinner I would head to my room, spend the rest of my night in my room alone dressed enjoying a few short hours of Becky time. My work colleagues on the other hand would hit the bars, spend each night drinking and often chatting up girls. All 3 of us were married, I have no idea if anything ever happened beyond some chatting at the bar. But I always used to wonder whose wife would be more upset if they knew what their husbands were doing each night.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
I've seen threads like this come up time and time again.
Becky, the ONLY person who KNOWS your wife like you do is YOU. Anyone on here can tell you that you should tell your wife or your shouldn't but they are on the other side of a computer probably several thousand miles away and don't know the full aspects of your dressing or you or your wife to know how this will pan out. There is no set way of doing this, no advice which is going to work for every person and in some respects telling your other half isn't always the right solution if it's going to lead to heartache, stress and worry. I listened to lots of advice from people on here and my story is pretty similar to yours in a lot of respects (in fact probably a mirror image of it). I had overwhelming guilt with my dressing and earlier this year wrote everything in a letter to my wife which I read out to her late one evening. Answering all the 'popular' questions. I told her EVERYTHING. We talked for a couple of hours about that evening very openly. The next day everything changed. She wants to know nothing about it and feels hurt by it (in my circumstances not hurt by the fact I didn't tell her - she can understand why). Has it harmed our relationship? Hopefully not. It's put a strain out it that's for sue. I risked EVERYTHING to come clean and I have to say due to how unhappy it's made her if I could rewind time I may not go down the same path again. Sometimes, honesty, for the sake of family, friends, children isn't always the right option. Only you can make that decision. Good luck!
AnneMarie, you have put it so perfectly, I do not under any circumstance want to hurt my wife unnecessarily. Right now I am happy with Becky taking a back part in my life. My wife is happy our marriage is strong and right now there is no need to upset the applecart. I may have no choice later if things change. I have told my wife a little bit so in the event I either have to tell her or I get found out somehow, at least the shock would be lessened
Good luck with your wife, I hope everything works out for you
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Gender Dysphoria doesn't work that way. But, it could be that your urges to CDress ebb and flow, this is rather commonplace. And if you're in a place of "ebbing" then it is entirely up to you as to whether you should tell your wife.
Most CDers end up telling their wives when their urges are so strong, they would need to engage in subterfuge in order to dress if their wifes didn't know. If you're not there, then that's OK.
You might want to consider telling your wife that you have gone through periods of strong urges in your life, and judging by what many CDers go through, there is a good chance the urges will come back (it tends to be cyclical), and ask her if she will be of a mind to cooperate when they do. Then you'll be covering all the bases.
Reine
Reine I mentioned in my OP that I had told my wife a little bit, so given your comments I should probably expand on that. A long and complicated (and boring story) landed up with the opportunity to say something to her about 3 years after Becky disappeared. I was presented with the perfect opportunity to tell her that in the past I had desires to Cross Dress. It was not planned but the perfect opportunity came up. When I said it I decided I would be truthful and answer any questions she asked, but not volunteer any additional information. She was a bit taken aback, but only asked me two questions firstly "you said used to, and now?" I truthfully said I have had no desires in any way shape or form for well over 2 years. Secondly she asked "if it was connected to attraction to guys?" which again i was able to answer truthfully with a resounding No, never. She did NOT ask me what if anything i have done about it. Since then about 3 years later, the subject came up again (kind of brought up by me) and again and she asked if those feelings had come back, again I was 100% truthful and said an occasional feeling but no not really.
Whilst she was clearly very not happy about what she heard I think she believed me when I told her the feelings were in the past and she probably adopted a DODT with the past or maybe the timing was just good. The fact that she has not brought it up, hopefully means its not troubling her too much.
This situation does give me some peace of mind in the event that more comes out one day.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
I told my wife before we were married. It has always been DADT since then, except some years ago I "won" the right to wear panties 24/7 and have them end up in the laundry. I'd like more now though. I'm struggling with reining in the desires, when I can't dress, and maintaining the deception, when I can.
I am interested in hearing from some of the DADT people, how do you go about getting some girl time? Is it a case of your SO knowing that you are dressing but doesn't know details or is it totally not discussed ever?
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
For me, my wife knows I dress but doesn't know when. I'm self employed so I can pretty much pick and choose when, even so, it's not that often. She knows where my clothes are as I've told her but she doesn't want to see them. I do get to go out with friends for evenings out but I can't go dressed or come back dressed as she doesn't want to see it. I fully respect her for this of course and she knows the option to talk or ask anything relating to my dressing is always there. I do still occasionally get asked if I'm gay and it's taking a bit of time to bring her around to the fact that I am straight and would never do anything that's determental to our relationship, but I guess hearing a huge bombshell like I told her that night six months ago does really paint me in a different picture from the bloke she married
I have no criticism you you. I have been the same way in the past and I've been dressing on and off for better then 50 years. 10 years ago I told my wife in a round about way and now I dress alot but only at home.And she is the only one who knows Angie. Telling her was the best thing I did about the dressing thing.
Angie
My wife has known for 25 years, but is DADT. So she, in effect, asks me to deceive her as much as possible about my CDing activities. Does not want to see or discuss or see packages arrive. There are times when something still gets thru, but she finally realizes nothing will stop it. She knows there are times I go off to a hotel or she leaves for a few days and I will be dressing. She avoids the basement where she knows where the trunk is. I left it unlocked for a period and she did look thru the stuff (because a toilet seat was delivered and she thought it was CDing clothes). She apologized and complemented my taste in shoes. She has not commented on my wearing her stuff, so she is oblivious or does not care. She thinks I can't fit into her clothes. I would love to even just openly discuss my feelings and thoughts, but she will not. She will not come to this site to read. In effect, Ellen is given the silent treatment so I come here to socialize.
Hugs, Ellen
This topic is prolly one of the most difficult issues to anyone to discuss. I agree that no two relationships are the same and there is no right answer that would reasonably apply to all. That being said I would only offer my particular story.
Basically I was fully dressing and believed I was artful in hiding and covering my dressing until one eventful day where my wife found pictures of me on our computer. There were many other signs I was dressing along the way like lipstick on a glass or some other minor issue that I explained away with some nonsense about drinking and fooling around. But over time these little mishaps added up and my wife began to suspect something was amiss and ended up finding pictures of me dressed hidden (I thought) on our computer. After she found the pictures she confronted me and I confessed I had crossdressed for a long time. My wife asked lots of questions as to why I did this, was I gay etc. I did my best to answer honestly but after being deceitful for such a long time it was just not my nature to answer everything honestly. This lead to several years of DADT. I would dress when she was away and I knew she knew I would. I believed this was how she wanted it. Over time this situation, to my surprise, came to a head when she again confronted me about my dressing desires. Another long and uncomfortable discussion followed and this time I held nothing back and answered all questions with complete honesty. (which is not easy). The most important issue that came out of this discussion was how much being my being secret about my dressing affected my wife. I believed she desired the DADT condition but it actually caused her more concern. After sharing with my wife what I did when dressed and making my best effort to explain that I did not believe it was something I could quit she offered that I become more open with her and bring my crossdressing into the house (rather than hiding my stuff in the garage). Since then we have been more open and things between my wife and I have significantly improved. She no longer has to wonder about my dressing desire or habits because we talk. I do not believe my wife likes the fact that I crossdress but she prefers me doing it openly with her being some part of what is involved.
So that is my input (my story) I can say I sincerely thought that if my wife knew the extent of my desire to dress she would hate me for it. I found she hated the secrecy and not knowing more. I now believe, base on my experiences, that try as we may there will come a time that something will give us away as crossdressers, sooner or later. It is inevitable I believe.
So I offer this parting opinion (opinion only not advice): If you and your wife love each other and you both are truly good to each other then the likely hood of your crossdressing being discussed with your wife, is likely not the issue that would end your love for each other. Only you understand your particular situation and only you have the information to make your best informed decision.
Best wishes for you and your wife.
Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.
Thanks Teri and others for such comprehensive thoughts and for sharing your stories... As you say no two relationships and circumstances are the same, but we often face very similar conflicts and concerns. For me right now I am very comfortable with my decision to limit what I have told her. One day more will no doubt be said right now its probably the mouse in the room in that it is there but its a minor issue. if that mouse should grow I would never let it get as big as an elephant before i deal with it. Life right now is good and in balance.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
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