Becky, trust, honesty and communication help keep relationships together. If she finds out, you have broken trust and the relationship will suffer. IMHO Hugs Lana Mae
Becky, trust, honesty and communication help keep relationships together. If she finds out, you have broken trust and the relationship will suffer. IMHO Hugs Lana Mae
Life is worth living!
"Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix
Lana Mae, they do, but so does love, respect, humour, patience, tolerance, I could go on....
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
My only question is how can you justify not telling her? Spouses should not have any secrets from each other, no matter what the consequences may be, spouses have a right to know the truth,
Jane we will have to agree to disagree. In my opinion my wife will gain nothing from knowing more about me, its a simple justification based on us having a great relationship and I can see no reason why upsetting her is necessary. Many couples have had 'The talk' the wife adopts a DODT approach, the husband is now full of secrets whenever he does anything that he doesn't tell her about.Originally Posted by Jane277
Its a lovely sentiment to say a husband and wife should have no secrets, but I believe that most couples have secrets form each other usually to maintain the peace on matters that there is no need to tell.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Ask yourself this, what if she came home and found you dead, dressed as Becky, or while going through your stuff after you died she found beckys thing, how would that impact her, she would be faced with the reality that you had a secret life, that she knew nothing about, and if she finds out others knew and she didn't she would be faced with the fact that you trusted others with that aspect of your life and not her, don't you think that would do more damage than letting her know now while you can answer whatever questions and help her to better understand and accept you. of course she may leave you over it but at least she will be able to know exactly who she is married to, and everyone deserves that.
As far as tho who know and adopt a don't ask don't tell, that is not the same as keeping secrets, that is knowing but choosing not to discuss it, because at any time they can ask and know they will get an honest answer
Well Jane firstly I don't dress at home when she is out, I don't take risks and she know that at times I have had CDing desires. It came up many years ago when I had a 4 years hiatus when Becky left me.
Secondly, you say 'she may well leave me over it'. So you believe that two very happily married people should risk everything for the sake of not keeping a secret? Because she would be in a better place in her life knowing this?
BTW our marriage would not be over if I told her everything, but she would be very unhappy, concerned, stressed etc. etc. All things that she does not need in her life. telling her everything IMO would be a selfish act on my behalf.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
I would love to tell my wife but I feel she would do her best to stop me from dressing.
I've been dressing for 50 years, as you can see in my photos I feel its part of who I am and I don't want anyone telling me it's wrong.
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
My wife saw me dressed once when I thought she wasn't home. She did not like it at all... I am not sure she can ever know the depths of my desires.
I couldn't disagree more. As my previous post, having now had the conversation several months ago I think my wife would have preferred not to know. Our normal man and wife relationship is no longer normal and although it's not talked about it's always there as something in the background. Sometimes for the sake of keeping a relationship and all the other positives you have together it's best not saying. For example I'm a firm believer that if you have kids they should have a mum and dad. Can you imagine if coming out with something like this split up the relationship? It's hardly good or fair for the kids is it? You need to take your actions and decisions based on your own relationship and not the outcome of others
Even though I was recently put into DADT, I still feel that it was best to tell her. If I accidentally leave something out, or if I forget to close this window after and she finds it, it will lead to annoyance that she saw something but won't be the way she first finds out. I am glad I told her but wish I had taken it a little slower for her.
The old "ignorance is bliss defense." I hope you are never on the other end of that, it hurts....and it hurts a long time
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“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
AnnaMarie, two things: 1) it's not normal "now." It can become "normal." 2) It will never be normal if you do not discuss it. It's out there. Open the conversation for her. Allow her to express her fears, concerns, and misconceptions without anger or defense.
I have been on the other end of it twice before and yes it does hurt but when your other half says she'd have preferred not to know it does get you thinking. Like I've said before we all are different with no one route to any form of acceptance or even tolerance.
Thanks Jennifer, but how many times do you think I should open the conversation? I want her to ask questions, I want to talk about, but clearly she won't and a wall goes up at the first mention of it. For some people I guess it can't become normal, for some it can. She has expressed her fears and now won't talk about it, ever, end of. I'm sure there are those that are lucky who's SO will at least have a conversation about it. There are of course others who won't.
I believe that there is no right or wrong answer to this conundrum. Any relationship between 2 people is unique in its own way. I can relate to what Annamarie is saying. The little bit I have told my wife has not added any value to her or our relationship, yes it has softened a future blow in the unlikely event I have to go further and need to tell her. But at the end of the day i did that for my own slightly selfish purposes not to benefit her at all.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but who says a relationship cannot thrive in spite of one party carrying a secret?
I do not agree that the reason we should be telling our spouses is because we will probably get caught one day and then the lies etc will be even worse. Firstly lots of people who get caught take unnecessary risks and secondly consider that perhaps the knowing is a lot more upsetting than the feeling of being lied to by some spouses. Perhaps a wife will understand why her CDing husband did not tell her and perhaps that lie is not a huge deal for some people.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
I don't know the number, but "periodically" seems best. The problem with not talking about it is that neither of you know where the other stands. Maybe she does want to talk about i but can't get the words out or doesn't know how to ask things without hurting you? Maybe you need something like this, "Honey, I think you are not too keen about my cross dressing but it's real and it's part of me, and I think we need to talk about it. Would you prefer to talk with a counselor with me?"
Hi Becky, The longer you wait the harder it gets...
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I don't see the need for a counselor and would make this a bigger issue than it really is. Not everyone needs someone to intervene in their relationship when things get slightly tough. It's quite black and white, my wife wants nothing to do with it. She knows and accepts I do it but doesn't like it. There is more to our relationship than this and she's happy to compartmentalise this part of it, hence not wanting to enter into any further dialogue about it. Is it healthy this way? Who can say, but I do know if I bring this up in a week, a month, a year the answer will still be the same, it's not something she wishes to discuss. We have a framework in place which works and although the dynamics of our relationship have changed since I told her, had I not have had the conversation in the first place it would have made things easier for her. All I managed to do by telling her is release some of my guilt for doing it behind her back. Which is hardly fair on her especially when she says she would have preferred not to have known. Which brings me back to my original post in that it's NOT right for everyone to tell their partner and it should be based on individual circumstances of which no one but the couple involved can decide as they know each other better than anyone else. One size does certainly not fit all and there is no one route to acceptance and we have to accept that acceptance sometimes doesn't happen!
AnnaMarie, sorry to hear about your situation, hopefully the issue will stay in the background and the damage is minor in the scheme of things and you will continue to have a good and happy relationship.
Your situation is exactly what I was talking about and pretty much exactly why I have decided (at this stage) not to tell my wife more than the little bit I have so far. It would seem that if you had been able to offer your wife a choice she would have selected the don't share your secret with me option.
In MY opinion you should drop the subject and wait until she brings it up (If ever) and then let her ask anything she wants and of course be totally honest in your answers. If she doesn't bring it up - to me thats a signal that its not troubling her THAT much, which is not a signal that its ok.
Last edited by Becky Blue; 11-28-2016 at 04:37 PM. Reason: Typo
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
When I told my wife in January that I thought putting on a dress would be fun, she freaked.
I told her I dress up quite often for years and sometimes some friends and I would dress up and walk around town.
I also reminded her of the three Halloweens I dressed up
Well she didn't want to talk about it anymore, she could hardly look at me. She told me not to tell anyone about my desires.
Two months later we were watching something on TV and she said if she knew I liked dressing up in women's clothing she would have never married me.
Well that was nine months ago and we haven't talked about it since.
Miss Judy is in the closet.
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
Sorry to hear Judy, and now she is watching you like a hawk.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Jane,
It really isn't as simple as that, I told my wife after twenty years of marriage , she was OK for a couple of weeks and then the DADT wall went up, it got to the situation where I felt so rejected and unloved I nearly ended my life. twenty years on I'm still in a DADT situation and just have to work round it, she doesn't want to see me so there are things she will never know about, I really want to be open and honest with her so I have to live a double life. I'm afraid if I'm dressed and something happens to me then that's how it is. She knows where my things are and my children and their partners know about my CDing , I have done all I can to be as open and honest but despite Lorileah's comment they may have preferred not to know.
The other point about withholding things, our partners aren't totally innocent of that one, I wish my wife had been more honest about certain aspects of our relationship and her needs.
AnneMarie,
Counselling eventually was the only way I could put the message across to my wife of exactly where I am on the TG road and what my needs are. At one point we did nearly separate because of the gap between her acceptance and my needs but we realised too many people were going to be hurt so we came to a compromise, I do go out now socially, she's OK now with that now we've got over the hurdle of me not being gay . I feel the situation now is as good as it gets, she still has a husband and a father to the children which I'm OK with but I do get to shop and go out as Teresa once a month, and dress at home when she's out.
The subject has been dropped for now. She knows if she wants to ask anything she can do but I won't bring the subject up anymore. She knows where my femme wardrobe is if she wants to see it. I've been completely open about all this but it's not something that she wants to discuss further and we are a couple that discusses things.
Judy, the thing that hurt me most - 'if I'd have known when we met we probably wouldn't have still been together, but I love you now'
I have a wonderful family Teresa, and although I do have needs with this, my family, without question will always take priority in anything I do. My needs don't really come into the equation when I think about my family and their happiness and wellbeing. I can see however where this would work for some couples. I don't think for us.
Sorry to say this I told my wife about 3 years ago and it's been a struggle ever since and as of yesterday we are no longer together it definitely ended my marriage we were very happy before
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Sorry to be a downer but for some it makes it better they go shopping and share it all but for the unlucky ones it can end it all
Really sorry to hear that Jessica. We hear so many positive why you should tell stories that morally yes you should say something, but reality is sometimes something completely different. Like in your case.
Hi thanks just got to get my self together now
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