Telling or not telling the wife

[Becky Blue]

Becky,
Just to remind me does your wife know nothing of your dressing or are you in a DADT situation ? I ask because does she have some of the truth but you are withholding details that you feel will upset her too much ?

Teresa, in a nutshell, I only 'found' Becky about 16 years into our marriage. Prior to that was a very occasional CD (sexual turn on yadda yadda) so nothing was ever said prior. Then Becky emerged and I realised I was more than a CD that went for around 3 years and I came close to telling her, but did not due to various reasons (not relevant to my story) things going on in our lives.

Then I lost Becky for almost 4 years when ALL CD/TG feelings left me. About 3 years into that phase it kind of came up in conversation so I told her that I used to have urges to dress and that those urges had gone for 3 years (total truth), she did not ask if I had dressed, only the usual are you gay questions etc. I think she concluded it was some kind of panties fetish and it was left as that. When Becky came back I decided that I would not tell her as per all the reasons I have stated in my OP and posts thereafter. So as far as she knows 8 or so years ago for a while I had urges to dress. So she does know a little bit, but its most definitely a DADT situation because if she was concerned about it she would have asked me again if I got those feelings. Hope that clarifies.

Jane if you read your OP the tone is quite negative and judgemental that is why people are picking up on what you said, your later post does clarify your meaning but if you reread the OP I think you will understand.

[Teresa]

Becky,
Thanks for that , I've should have taken the trouble to read your previous threads.
I do recall making the comment that it must be difficult for you to come out only to find you're on an ebb with your CDing. I guess I find that difficult to understand because mine is a constant need, that's why I just had to come out to my wife and finally my family . I still don't know where that constant need is going to lead me, it's why I haven't made any promises to my wife that I can't keep.

I can't say I'd recommend getting to the point of talking about a separation as I did, the only point is that's when the real talking starts and the true values of what you have are on the table. I must admit we were discussing and making plans in a calm way, at that point I think my wife was resigned to bringing the pain we were both feeling to an end but we both realised that so many people were going to be hurt for our actions and neither of us could say we would be any happier.
I'm sorry it's gone into DADT so much again, because I'm back to working on assumptions again, which is something my first counsellor tried to bring to an end.

On the plus side she accepts me going out socially and doesn't interfere with my things, she knows where they are and she knows I shop because we negotiated an allowance. That may sound a little controlling but to me it's not a bad thing I promised her my dressing wasn't going to cost a fortune and it's a good way for me keep it in balance.

I do think what I have now is as good as it gets, I have changed and she knows that, after so long she finally accepts part of me is female, I also admitted I do enjoy it .

[Becky Blue]

I still don't know where that constant need is going to lead me, it's why I haven't made any promises to my wife that I can't keep.

A very good point you make Teresa and another reason why I decided not to tell, I do not have the answer to the most obvious that a wife would ask after being told. So what does this mean? What do you want? my answer would be I don't know!

[Andrea2656]

My experience is that not telling can be very damaging to your relationship with your wife. If the question is going to be "what does this mean" and the answer is "I don't know". This is a fine answer. Add "I don't know, we will figure it out together"

[AnnaMarie]

I'm not sure even that would be a suitable answer as it's quite an open response. If your wife is open to the dressing idea than this could be ok. If not then all this is going to lead to is a lot more insecurity in the relationship.

Becky Blue, I'm in total agreement with you regarding your stance on this. I think you need to know where you are going before you can even bring others in to this. It wouldn't be the most constructive to say 'well I'm just a crossdresser' to find out 12 months down the line you want more than this. By this point the trust element that was already undermined would be shattered completely.

Not saying anything and being found out is always going to be a break of trust but if you yourself don't know where it's going to go the last thing you want to do is shatter trust, build it up for it to be broken again.

[Becky Blue]

Good points AnnaMarie in the absence of information people will make up the missing bits to suit their own feelings and views.

So I would like to hear some HONEST answers from those of you who HAVE told their SO's. A few questions:

1. When you told your SO did you tell them everything the full depths of your feelings? Or did you hold back and perhaps play it down based on their reaction or otherwise?
2. Those in DADT situations what have you done/would you do if your feelings towards your gender change slightly. For example when you told your SO the 100% truth you were a CD who simply liked to wear woman's clothing on occasion. SO accepts but doesn't embrace and you are now in a DADT situation. Fast forward a bit and your feelings start changing and perhaps the urge to dress grows or you start wanting to take the girl further... do you update your DADT SO or keep your feelings to yourself?

[Aunt Kelly]

1. Everything.
2. n/a (interesting question, though)

[AnnaMarie]

Good points AnnaMarie in the absence of information people will make up the missing bits to suit their own feelings and views.

So I would like to hear some HONEST answers from those of you who HAVE told their SO's. A few questions:

1. When you told your SO did you tell them everything the full depths of your feelings? Or did you hold back and perhaps play it down based on their reaction or otherwise?
2. Those in DADT situations what have you done/would you do if your feelings towards your gender change slightly. For example when you told your SO the 100% truth you were a CD who simply liked to wear woman's clothing on occasion. SO accepts but doesn't embrace and you are now in a DADT situation. Fast forward a bit and your feelings start changing and perhaps the urge to dress grows or you start wanting to take the girl further... do you update your DADT SO or keep your feelings to yourself?

1. Everything except that I have a female name. I wrote it all in a letter and read it to her late one evening. Answering all the questions I knew she was going to ask. Even mentioned where I kept my things, I wear makeup etc etc.

2. Things have changed for me but I know my wife wants nothing to do with Anna and I believe mentioning more would only compound things more. Although things have changed for me, my feelings towards my wife and kids only deepen and they are the most important part of my life. If asked I will talk about things again but after trying to bring up the subject numerous times I know she doesn't want to talk about it. Although things have escalated for me, with my current family situation I put their happiness above mine in this respect. So no, unless asked, the subject won't be brought up again

[Becky Blue]

Although things have changed for me, my feelings towards my wife and kids only deepen and they are the most important part of my life.

Wow AnnaMarie I find that not only very interesting but scary as i have experienced the exact same thing, the stronger my Becky feelings (as i call them) are the more loving towards my wife and kids I feel, maybe we are experiencing some kind of nurturing feminine primeval feeling.

[Becky Blue]

Having reread this thread I have a question for those of you in the DADT group as follows:
If since telling your DADT spouse your feelings intensify or change in any way, did you reopen the discussion? and if not at what stage would you feel it appropriate to update them?

[Alice B]

I hnave always felt that honesty is the best answer. I have posted this before, but here is what I did. I did an extensive internet search on cross dressing. Found articles that had sections that applied to what I thought and where I wanted it to go and where I did not want to go. Printed them out, highlighted the applicable parts and then sat down with my wife. Told her what I was feeling and gave her the material to read. Then a few days later we sat down, discussed it and set boundries. Over the years acceptance grew and more freedoms were added. In time our entire combined familys were informed, with accpetance from all. This is tough to do, but if you are serious about dressing telling her is far better tahn her finding out the wrong and hard way.

[Becky Blue]

Alice, the route you took was inline with the way that you knew gave you the best chance of a positive outcome with your wife. I have chosen my route with the same thought in mind. For example if I gave my wife a pile of material to read that would be a disastrous route for me, if I were to tell her it would be face to face with no material. In my case if she found out the wrong way one day, that will be less than ideal, but still better than upsetting her needlessly at this or some earlier stage. My point is our relationships with our SO's are all different.

I am still waiting for some brave people in DADT situations to tell us what they tell their wives when something changes.. in fact maybe I will start a new thread on that topic.

[mykell]

for me this helped with my DADT conundrum, felt it may still be relevant, http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...!!!&highlight=
so technically im not in a DADT anymore, we have conversations, brief ones but i dont sneak anymore and never wanted to assume i could do as i please...

[kkaye]

I debated to tell or not to tell a little to long. She found some of my CD media in my computer. I gave her hints from day one of my love of makeup and a former neighbor had outed me about dressing up. It was not a total surprise but, I recommend that if you have not plans on stopping. Find a way to tell her or brace her for the day she find out. My SO is living with it in her own way. I do not dress around her, I do not hide my clothes or makeup and it is just kind of over looked and ignored by her. But she tend to not get it She does not know the difference between a cross dresser , tranny, transsexual or drag queen and due to her lack of knowledge and inability to comprehend this, we just let it be.

[mona lisa]

Jessica's answer makes me wonder if its ever a good idea to tell my wife.

[Becky Blue]

Lisa, in my opinion its never simple and everyone is different every relationship is unique and if you are going to tell make sure its for the right reason.

[nikkiwindsor]

I'm just happy I told my wife early in our relationship before we were married. I don't have any good advice for those who are already married and their SO doesn't know.

[Becky Blue]

I have dragged this thread back from page 10, due to the rather heated other thread about CDGTOW. This thread contains a lot of posts from members who are in happy DADT marriages. That thread seems to have quite a few posts from people who are unhappy in their DADT situations and feel trapped.

So my current question is how many of you in DADT marriages/relationships would have done things differently if they could travel back in time?

[Lacey New]

There was a time early in my marriage when I thought I could broach the subject of crossdressing with her so I tried a few teasers. Periodically, I would put on a pair of her panties, typically just before bed and open my bathrobe and say "Is this how I have to get into you pants?" Every time, she said Eeeewwww - take those off. Finally she told me not to do it again. At that point, I knew that any further discussion would be fruitless. So, I made a decision. I will stay in the closet. I dress when I can and enjoy those moments but I am OK with the compromise I have made. I have my little space and time and still have a happy marriage.

[Elizabeth G]

My current situation is very fluid. My wife found out about my dressing fairly recently and we are slowly working our way through things. DADT is very likely going to be the outcome.

What I would have done differently is simple - I would have told her myself and it would have been much sooner. As it stands now our biggest issue is the feeling of deceit that my wife feels. Due to the way things played out she was unable to make an informed decision so now we are forced into a situation of negotiation and I'm not in the best position to do so.

[Meghan4now]

Becky,

That I'd a fair question, but it really is if I knew then what I know now. Just traveling back in time would probably do nothing. I would still be the person I was then, warts and all.

I've thought about this. Should I have been more forthwith? More open? Perhaps. But at the time my outlook was different. My experience was different. My own denial was different. Yes, I think it MAY have been better and fairer to my wife. On the other hand we were pretty happy then, and CDING was more of a minor side road on the highway of life. And I may not have had the great years and experiences, and children I have now. But then again maybe something equally wonderful would have happened.

I've come to the conclusion that was happened, happened. What is important is where are you going now.

[Teresa]

Becky,
My answer is similar to AnnaMarie in 108#. When I was seeing a gender cousellor I wrote it all down, to help her and after for my wife to read, she glanced at a summary sheet and we had a reasonable discussion about it. So she knows we do have a gap between my needs and her acceptance level .We nearly separated over the issues but came to a compromise , so I get to go out socially dressed and fairly openly shop in drab.
In hindsight perhaps we should have parted when I first came out to her twenty years ago but we had so much going on in our lives that we just soldiered on, so I went from being totally in the closet to DADT . The problem with DADT is the goal posts keep moving , at one time my wife said she was OK with me dressing around the house, that decision lasted 24 hours.
At the moment I am struggling and desperately want more, we have discussed this in a PM so you know more of the facts.

[Tamsin Secret]

Lacey #119 this is how I remember reactions from my SO when either I have ever (and it's rare) asked a silly question about dressing or commented on what we see on TV from time to time. I just get the feeling she would not be able to comprehend it all. On the flip side though she is, by nature, a very understanding person and displays all levels of love and support for her friends/family.

I suppose this is where the risk is. I'm not any of them, I'm her husband the person she turns to when she needs help/love /support.

I have asked myself what the reasons are for wanting to tell and I have listed them below. They are not in any particular order:

I'm keeping secrets
I would love her support
I feel lonely
I want to share
Guilt
Hate her to find out from anyone else but me
I'm doing nothing wrong
I feel it's the right thing to do

Another thought I have been having is will I still have the same urges if I tell her and she (in an ideal world) accepts it to whatever degree. I will agree that if I do it now I always will but at the moment it has that extra adrelanin rush as it is a secret.

Just thinking out loud so sorry if it rambled on a bit,

X

[XemmaX]

always tell the earlier the better and good luck!

[Teresa]

MissSecret,
For me after I'd come out to my wife it made me feel so close to her, possibly because after so many years I could finally share it with her. The hiding and secrets, feeling ashamed and guilty would all be behind me. As you say I was doing nothing wrong, but I'm afraid I totally broke down and sobbed my heart out . So she knew something was deeply wrong but gradually the DADT wall went up and I went down very quickly with feelings of being unloved and rejected. It's taken me another twenty years and two separate sessions of counselling to get where I am now but it's still far from an ideal situation but at least all the family know and I get to go out socially . She still doesn't want to know or see me, she just says she only wants the man she married, we both know he's long gone .