Finding a therapist

[Traci H]

I have been a member for a little while and have read quite a few comments regarding therapists. I think I would like to see one. Just today my wife commented that we should see a marriage counselor. We have a few issues, cross dressing being in there somewhere. Are these two things mutually exclusive? Do you think that the proper therapist can assist both goals, even if some of them are not gender driven? Of course finding the right one seems daunting. There seems to be quite a few in SE WI, but how do I pick? Look for reviews? Man or woman? I'm a bit perplexed I must admit, and I usually do quite well in this regard.

Your thoughts very much appreciated.

Traci

[tifftg]

Psychology Today has a listing of therapists with descriptions of their specialties. It is a good starting point. Good luck this can be very helpful with the right therapist.

[Pat]

If you're going to go through medical insurance (I assume most people in the US would) then your healthcare provider probably has a website with a "find a doctor" page. Search for mental health providers that claim a specialization in "transgender" or "gender" (search both.) In Massachusetts there are psychiatrists, psychologists, licensed clinical social workers (LCSW) and some other specialty I forget but think it has social worker in the title. Consider them all, though in general my experience has been that the social workers usually have more practical experience with transgender people while the psychiatrists and psychologists tend to have more theoretical knowledge. It may be (probably is) different in different parts of the country.

Sort them by distance from you (for convenience) then start calling. You have to be assertive at this stage -- ask if they have actual experience with transgender people, how much experience and so on. Try to get a feel for how you might get along with this person. Don't compromise -- they're not doing you a favor by seeing you, they're conducting business, so treat it like a business decision at this stage. Later you can get all soft. If it all seems plausible, set up a first appointment and be mentally ready for it to be a last appointment if you don't walk out of there feeling good about it.

As for mixing marriage counseling and gender counseling -- I'd be leery of it. Most counselors have multiple specialties (not enough trans people around to pay the bills) so it's probably not hard to find someone who does both, but it has the potential to put the counselor in a difficult ethical situation. But if you do go for gender counseling I'd suggest finding a marriage counselor who knows something about transgenderism. If you do gender counseling first, it might be worthwhile to ask the person you're seeing for a referral to a marriage counselor who is good in that situation.

[Allison Chaynes]

As TiffTG said, Psychology Today is a good link. I found mine there. Even if they don't specialize in TG issues, they can be very helpful or refer you to someone who does.

[JenniferR771]

Jennie maks good points. Remember, referral lists are not truly neutral; the practitioner probably pays to be on that list. He probably checks a box on a list of his specialties or areas of expertise he claims.
It is a good idea to go to his website and read between the lines. Read plenty of websites. Compare with websites of counselors in other cities and San Francisco. You do not want someone to cure you of crossdressing.
Unless that is what you want.

[Jocee]

Hi Traci,

I'd like to echo Jennie's advice, but add a couple of thoughts. As your crossdressing will undoubtedly become part of the conversation in couples therapy it is important that you find a therapist who has had previous experience with transgender aspects in relationships. You absolutely want to find someone who can be "neutral" to both you and (especially) your partner. Call and talk to them.

As to insurance..... you may want to consider very carefully how you pay for therapy (and certainly want to have a say in the diagnostic codes), as it becomes part of your medical record. I certainly know many who don't worry about this but they are in a different space and not in couples therapy. The point is this needs to be about you and your wife if you have multiple issues, not about you and your crossdressing.

My personal experience was one where I had a couples therapist as well as a separate gender therapist. We saw both. I'm glad we did because we have been partners now for many years, and she is very dear to me......

[Traci H]

Thank all for the information. This kind of feedback is exactly what I was looking for. Seems like I have some work ahead for me. I do not wish to be cured. I believe after many many years I have accepted myself.

[Tomara]

Some really good advice above , knowing what I know from seeing both a gender therapist and a couples therapist if I was asked I'd suggest a gender therapist first and then see if you can find one who is also a couples therapist .
A therapist can be very helpful in a lot of way but be prepared to be honest and open with them and your partner .
Best of luck to you .

[TrishaTX]

Physiology today is the best site...I found mine in the DFW area there and she is fanastic. She is a gender therapist, marriage councilor and personal therapist all wrapped into one. Without her I would be in a bad place...

[Territx]

I think communication is going to be the key -- both in finding a compatible therapist and in the success of the sessions. Good luck with your search.

[Curiouser&Curiouser]

+1 for separate personal and relationship therapists. The center where I get therapy has a protocol which largely prevents mixing the two, as it usually leads to feelings of taking sides in sessions. Also, couples therapy should be about the relationship, not you. While you need to be healthy to participate, you are not the relationship, and vice versa. Separating the two is helpful for understanding the work that needs to be done in each area, and not conflating the two.

While having an LGBT-sensitive therapist is certainly helpful, I'd say any good therapist should be able to help you with your issues. Therapy is not about normalizing to society, but to oneself. Everyone has different issues, natures, personalities, but therapy is about understanding pain, then finding new thought patterns to replace that pain that affirm the people we already are. Whether you want to dress like a woman or become a lumberjack is irrelevant - a good therapist will help you to move through your pain to find the truth underlying all your layers.

That said, a gender therapist, to me, is a separate thing and can help guide you towards understanding your orientation. Our LGBT-sensitive counselor has started talking to us about having me see one, and it sounds like it may be a good idea. I've already started reading up on it, and am surprised at how relevant the questions and guidance are.

- Sandra

[Traci H]

After some thought and the great input I received here, I have an appointment with a therapist in early January. I spent some time talking to her yesterday and she seems like a good fit. I look forward to our meeting and after such I will comment back about the outcome.

Thanks again,
Traci

[tifftg]

I am happy to hear of your choice. Remember that it is about you being comfortable with your therapist. Best wishes as you explore this further.

[Tomara]

Best of luck to you Traci , be honest and open with her and you'll be OK .

[Melody A]

Over the last couple years, my wife and I have been drifting apart. She feels that we are beyond the point of fixing what we once had so she is not open to even seeing a marriage counselor. So, I'm seeking therapy for myself. I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist mainly to deal with my depression and anxiety issues but as it turns out, she specializes in helping LGBTQ patients. My first appointment is Jan 3rd.
Best of luck to you!