In the Dumps

[JaimeCD]

My last post was regarding the death of my sex life with my wife and how it seemed pretty generally timed with my "new interest." She has repeatedly assured me that it has nothing to do with it. That she is just depressed and that it is clearly impacting our son and I. But she keeps going back to we aren't having sex but I am supportive of your dressing so that should be enough (not exactly her words but how it comes across).

Dressing is something that I honestly am more than little uneasy about and still working on accepting me. So honestly I have stopped, grown a beard and stopped shaving everywhere...Haven't put on a pair of panties since the end of October let alone played with my makeup. I really feel like I am spiraling down. Work right now is incredibly stressful and my usual outlet is to spend sometime dressed up, it amazes me how calming it is. But I don't have it now and I am just wound up and totally stressed out.

I told her yesterday that I think it is time to donate everything. She said it was my decision and again that our situation was totally unrelated to the dressing just that she was stressed from her new job. She couldn't understand my stopping as it really seemed to help me with stress. Then this morning I was working from home and she had the day off so after she drove my son to school she called and suggested that I get dressed and spend the day that way. I told her I wasn't doing that anymore and her response was she didn't understand why but why didn't I have a farewell day. I declined.

This afternoon she called me over to show me a makeup vanity (before all the drama we talked about getting one for our bathroom, but I am the one that is supper into makeup). I just didn't know what to say, first it wasn't kind of bland and no where near feminine enough but then why keep looking when I am trying to stop?!? I know with not dressing maybe I don't belong here right now but I am just so confused. I have no idea where to go from here.

[Aunt Kelly]

Jaime,
Gosh, you are getting some mixed messages. Your confusion is certainly understandable. Those mixed messages might be intentional (passive aggression, for instance), or it may just be that your wife is as confused and uncertain as you are. If you can't tell what's going on, its not likely that anyone here can, at least not with any certainty that you'd want to bet the future of your marriage on. This might be a good time to get a professional involved.

[Emily Ann Brown]

I second the get professional advice. Em

[Becky Blue]

Jaimie, sorry to hear you are not in a good place right now. Hard for anyone to advise you without any details all us on here can do is share our own experiences and perhaps somethings will resonate. Of course you should get some professional help, but you have posted here and as such perhaps some of us can try help you even if just a tiny bit.

I do know one thing from my experience, if you have stopped because you do not feel the urge/need to dress that is one thing, but if the urge is there and you are forcing yourself to stop, its not going to go away, its going to get stronger over time. Growing a beard will never take away your feelings.

It seems to me that you are confused, your wife is confused and its all understandable, as said get some help fast

[Rachelakld]

my thoughts
1) your wife understands how crossdressing takes the stress off you. Without it you may get deaper in to depression, something your wife doesn't want.
2) your relationship need proffessional help as something else is causing a divergence with both of yours "happy ever after" scenario (quite common due to changes in our lives).

[Jacqueline85]

Relationships can be hard and being a CD definitely (mostly) doesn't make it any easier. I'll just add my two cents in here, but keep in mind that I don't know the whole situation. It sounds to me like your wife loves you. Even if your dressing makes her uneasy, she says she supports you, which means she wants you to be happy. Dressing is a great way to relax and de-stress for a lot of us here and clearly your wife knows that that is the case for you. In a relationship, two stressed people are definitely worse than one. Here's the thing though, by considering purging, you may actually be adding to her stress because, from her point of view, you would be doing that for her, and maybe she doesn't need you to do that. At the same time, you seem to be at the cusp of what could be total acceptance or DADT. In order to reach total acceptance, she needs to be exposed to you dressed more, and she does seem to be encouraging it. If there's anything I've learned in these forums from countless members, it's that you can't suppress your dressing for the rest of your life.

On the note of your sex life and her stress, maybe you should not assume that your dressing is the cause. Correlation does not equal causation. She is trying to help you de-stress. Maybe you need to do the same for her. I can't tell you how to do that. You know her better than me. What seems to work a lot though is things like a foot rub, or bubble bath or just taking care of the household for a weekend or something.

As a final note. A lot of women have a big problem with us men thinking we can read their mind or know how they feel or what's bothering them. If she says your CDing isn't the cause of your problems, try to look elsewhere for the problem.

[ReineD]

I'm wondering if she now finds sex a turn-off (I've known several women who went through this in their 40s and 50s), and she is encouraging you to dress as a diversion that would take your focus off of wanting to have sex with her? This is just a guess.

[Teresa]

Jamie,
You really aren't doing yourself any favours, if you continue to deprive the inner feelings eventually you will cease to function. This isn't BS I'm saying it from experience, for whatever reason you're wife is losing her libido, it may not be associated with your CDing but you can't screw yourself up by assuming it's her problem. You both need space , she has to come to terms with her feelings, but don't ignore them and you have to give yourself the space and time to dress. Your wife isn't denying you that but at the moment you are. I think you'll find that space will bring you closer together, OK you may have to accept like I have that at some point some women lose total interest in intimate contact. It is very hard and can lead to feelings of rejection but sometimes you can't put back what isn't there anymore.
I'm there for her as a husband on her terms, I'm there for the children and now I'm enjoying being there for my grandchildren, I know I've been downgraded some but not all is down to my CDing.
Lets face it and God forbid if I get dementia they are going to lose me anyway so what we all have now is probably as good as it gets.

[Tracii G]

I'm no expert but I'm sensing the fact she doesn't want sex somehow makes you feel you are less of a man or it makes you think that she has found another lover. Am I close?
She knows you dress and use it as a stress reliever and she is trying to make things better for you by supporting you.
It is something she is going thru and you really need to to have her go to her Dr and get checked out.
I have been thru that twice and hormones,change of life,thyroid issues all can be rough on a womans sexual drive.
You on the other hand are acting like a spoiled child by not dressing stopped shaving etc and saying no when she suggests you dress.
You are bringing more stress on top of all the stress you already have going on.
Do get some professional help soon.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I know with not dressing maybe I don't belong here right now but I am just so confused. I have no idea where to go from here.

I went nearly a year without dressing; so did another member I know well. Nowhere does this site say a member has to crossdress regularly in order to belong. You keep coming here as often as you like, if you find it helpful.

What concerns me is that you're clear that dressing relieves stress, yet you're denying yourself that release - in hopes that your sex life will improve. Trust your wife- if she says her reduced libido isn't connected to your (occasional) crossdressing, take her at face value. To do otherwise is to allow your fears to rule you. She may be entering menopause, or it may be that the stress she's under at work leaves her too drained and turned off to become aroused.

Could you possibly take a vacation together? It always does wonders for my wife's libido, and for mine.

[Allison Chaynes]

Nikki is on to something- I can count on two hands how many times sex has happened this year, with the exception of a vacation we took. No kids, no jobs.... it was two or three times every day. Got home and it was back to once a month. She might be honest about stress.

[Tracii G]

Stress be it a job,kids, family is a huge factor so please don't put all the blame on her.
Like I said I have been thru this twice so for your sake and hers get help.

[Lana Mae]

My wife used to say both of us were not allowed to be upset at the same time!! If you are both stressed at the same time, nothing will get done! I agree with the others-time for outside help and soon!!! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[Helen_Highwater]

Jamie,

I looked at your profile and I see you're and hence I guess your SO, are in your 40's. The one thing not mentioned yet is menopause. It effects different women in different ways and to a lesser or greater degree. Certainly one possible symptom is loss of libido. I found this article on the NHS web site;

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Menopau...Symptoms.aspx#

Now I'm not medically trained but of what I know of the menopause depression can also be a symptom. So I agree with those who say get professional advice but before opting for counseling it might be more prudent for your SO to see a MD.

I also agree with those who say denying your desire to dress is not the best way to go. Certainly if you decide to put it on hold then place all your stuff into boxes and put it away somewhere. Don't throw/give it away. The desire/need will come back and denying it can be self destructive. As you're SO is willing to let you dress I would say do it. You're denial or refusal may be contributing to your SO's depression as she may well feel that she's party the cause of your unhappiness and feel bad about that.

If you decide to dress, make sure you thank your SO for her understanding and just how much that means to you and that you love her all the more for it.

You also say that work related stress is a contributory factor in both your lives. Could you set aside time each week to do something together, bowling, cinema, taking part in sport, anything you can share while forgetting about work. I would steer clear of doing something that could include drinking as it and depression aren't good bed fellows.

Don't loose heart. Folks here will always find time to read and respond and a problem shared..........

[Gabriella111]

My wife used to say both of us were not allowed to be upset at the same time!!

That's beautiful.

[Stephanie47]

Virginia's for Lovers. No? With Christmas and New Years coming up schedule some time off and away form home. Leave your cell phones at home. Leave the front desk number for emergencies. Get a bottle of wine. Give her back rubs. Don't push the sex. It'll come naturally. Leave the fem stuff at home. When you get back make a New Year's resolution to schedule play dates. It could very well be she feels the "other woman" has become the center of your attention. Show her, she is wrong.

[Tina_gm]

Sex and intimacy itself can be very tricky as we get older. I like what stephanielse said about getting the intimacy back 1st.

From my own personal experience with stress, brain desired it but the body would not cooperate. Then it became almost a fear of it. I didn't want to hurt my wife by trying and my body not working right. Then starting to avoid it.... it starts a cycle.

Both my wife and I are sexual, sensual people. So for either of us to have dysfunction (she experienced some awhile back for the first time herself) is especially hard for us. Having to adjust to middle age intimacy issues hasn't always been easy for us. Stress and emotional issues come in hard and fast at this time of life that effects intimacy which creates more stress and emotional issues. Start with cuddling, caressing, simple warm loving touch without the expectations of sex. That's what gets my wife and I over the droughts.

[Maria 60]

I don't know sounds confusing to me. When I want to do something new with my dressing and my wife doesn't think it's a good idea. For some reason they have that mother, family has to be happy instinct and then chances her opinion and wants me to do it. They do and say things not for what they want, but to make sure there family members are content and happy. If it gets worse, maybe to keep the marriage a float, maybe a third party might be a good idea. Hopefully there's a happy next post.

[giuseppina]

I agree with most of what is posted above. A physical to get medical issues ruled out is an excellent place to start. Then think about counselling. Some women start menopause earlier than others, and sometimes early menopause is a side effect of other medical issues, some of which are life-threatening.

[JaimeCD]

Thought I should give an update, we have had a lot of conversations this weekend. She really doesn't understand how I associate our issues (she thinks her depression is hurting both me and our son) with the dressing when to me it is pretty straight forward when you look at the timing. With all the struggling I am doing with stress I told her I was going back and forth about asking her if I could go out for a night to the local soiree to which she said I should (haven't decided one way or another but a night hanging with the gurlz could help). She is out of town this week and asked that I wear panties this week after going back and forth I have. And after a really bad day shaved my legs again, I missed that.