Judy, I think it is far too early to be able to interpret what your wife is really saying.

My wife's reaction to when I first talked to her about wanting to dress again was extreme. She threatened suicide - she couldn't live with me but couldn't live without me. Spend the next 36 hours in bed crying. Horrible time and I too felt so bad. Things settled down a little over time but I felt I was walking on egg shells.

Then she saw me with a pair of size 12 shoes and went into decline again although not to the extent of the first time. (Shoes seem to do it every time.)

I went to a psychologist after the first bad experience and her view was that (1) there was nothing wrong with me and (2) my wife has played her biggest card (threatening suicide) in an effort to stop me dressing. Her view was that she wouldn't go through with the threat.

There are some strong similarities here for you. Your wife is escalating the reasons why you should stop dressing. My position was that I couldn't stop. We fell into a DADT arrangement and I was very careful to keep my dressing hidden using a storage facility as my extra dressing room. Not perfect though - the shoes was one of two errors. Each time though was less traumatic than the one before.

Wind the clock forward 3+ years and she has never seen me dressed in person or photo. She knows where my clothes are and that I dress regularly. Two days ago, she was looking for some presents that had been stored and went through a wardrobe where some clothes are stored. No negative reaction.

I think the difference in her attitude is that she no longer fears the future. She has her husband. My life is compartmentalised, complex and very rewarding.

Hang in there - be true to yourself, don't make promises that you can't keep but understand the impact on your wife and deal sensitively with her.