Differences between the way you see yourself and the way people see you.

[Karine]

Hi everyone,

At first, some background: I am a closeted crossdresser in a long term relationship (4 years) with my girlfriend.

A few days ago, my girlfriend showed me a video of a very androgynous fashion show where men were wearing leggings and heels.

Last night, we were out with my girlfriend. We had a dinner with a friend couple. On the way to the restaurant, passing in front of the window of a shop,
she showed me a coat she likes and asks me what I think about it. I was not fond of it and finally we ended ribbing each other on our fashion taste.
For fun ,she said she will offer me the clothes on the fashion I mentioned above as a punishment since I was so "manly". I said that I do not see myself as manly.
She said I was and that, for example, when her friend first met her boyfriend (i'm talking about the couple we were having diner with), the girl thought he was gay and that nobody could never think that about me.

It makes me remember about a discussion I have with my brother about some issues in our team. He said that I had to take in charge because I was a leader. I also said at this time that I was not. He said that I am and I have to do something.

That's the point, I never see myself as manly or as an alpha male. I'm an average guy who has hobbies and activities that most dudes have (except crossdressing of course).
I don't act macho but always consider women and take care of how they feel.
When I can, I try to help people and make things go in the right way for the common good but I never consider myself as a leader.

So two questions:
- Does anyone feel the same way and do not not understand the way people perceive us (I mean the gap between a supposed manly image and the fact that we crossdress)?
- Realizing how my girlfriend was seeing myself, it makes me realize that coming out (I am thinking more and more about telling her), will be extremely shocking and hard for her.
For those whose SOs had the same perception of them (manly dudes) and who finally told their SO about crossdressing, can you tell me how it went ?

Thank you in advance for your feedback.

Karine.

[sweetdreams]

I flip between two roles. When in my male mode I'm about as alpha male as anyone. When in my feminine role I'm much more laid back but the alpha isn't far away. This is almost the definition of crossdresser isn't it? We flip between the two modes. Those who are very strongly attached to the feminine will often transition, but crossdressers straddle the fence and pop back and forth as needed. I have not come out to any friends or relatives and they would never guess this alpha male has a feminine side. The feminine side isn't far away either, just a little nudge and I can get girly. It's just the way I am and I'm fine with it.

SO accepts my CDing. Any serious relationship I've had with women my CDing was always out there. None have thought less of me as a man. The alpha is always there when needed, and the feminine side is close for when I need it. The appropriate balance isn't really an issue. The wife still needs the man she married and he's there for her.

[Tracii G]

Interesting.
Not sure how sissy is a definition of a CDer.
I don't look at myself as an alpha male but I guess in my past I was looked at as one.

[sweetdreams]

Sorry Tracii. Maybe I didn't quite word that correctly. You are absolutely correct. I update the post to better reflect my meaning.

[Amelie]

Society views me the same as I view myself, as an insane person.

[Dana44]

I think my alpha male is very not alpha now. I am far more feminine with long hair and hoop earrings. Uh huh, but well accepted when male. Even like that. However today I am very girly and dressed that way. When I told my GF she doesn't really understand, but accepts me as this. But when I was working I was look at as a leader. I do have those qualities, but today wow girly. However not ever a sissy and not looked at as one.

[XemmaX]

i too definitely flip between roles, being that i am really into football and the ultra scene at my club i guess that makes me somewhat of a macho person in society's eyes. none have any idea lol! but when i present as a girl yeah it's very feminine but i wouldnt say i go submissive or anything i definitely become more relaxed that's for sure. when i told my so she laughed and said she thought that my macho behaviour (in her view) in the kurve was compensating for something. which is interesting. her impression of me hasn't changed she doesn't see me as a sissy or anything like weaker or anything. i guess but that is because we both see both women and men as equal.

[Tamsin Secret]

Karine,

This really is a thought provoking thread.

I have been a winner a schoolboy in athletics, captained every soccer team I've played for, best man for 3 friends, successful at work, lucky with the ladies before my marriage and now happily married with a beautiful family.

I am also a Cross Dresser.

No-one knows.

Yet I find myself yearning for acceptance in everyday life constantly.

My inner thoughts telling me that if certain people knew and accepted this side of my life that I could flourish even more as a person and achieve and enjoy life so much more than I do.

My CD life (whilst in the closet) brings me moments of ecstasy but hours of guilt.

It's tough, but it's me x

[Angie G]

All but my wife only see the guy me not the girl my so all they see is an old man.
Angie

[Tama]

I am very lucky that the wife has accepted and supported my "hobby", as it were.. I have seen myself in every imaginative situation, CD-wise. I actually cannot quite figure out what I am in fact, as I am not sure myself. I am not certain I would or could do this as a full-time activity, as I am not sure what level of CD commitment I really have. I only know when I do wish to get dressed, I can at will mostly. What I do know is I am very fortunate that my SO is very good about the whole thing. These conversations here have made me aware just how fortune I really am. We do get a wider view of who we are from others, for this I am grateful.

[Becky Blue]

Very interesting question Karine. I am most definitely not an alpha male, I am not a beta either, just a guy in the middle. I think that people can be a bit confused by my male persona and I think that parts of Becky are inherent in my personality, a couple of examples:

Although I have guy friends I am NOT one of the boys and don't enjoy the company of a bunch of guys, but yet i like watching sport. I am often invited to join the boys to watch 'the game' or whatever and do go at times, but do not enjoy the events at all and try get out of them as often as possible.

At work, I am in a position of authority but am actually very soft with people and lack the killer instinct that so many of my male peers have.

As for the second question, I have not told my wife much so I can't answer that, but my wife too sees a side to me and on a few occasions has teased me that i am a girl, for example the other day she tickled me and I jumped and kind of shrieked.

[Jodi]

When counseling teenagers about self image problems, they are always told that--"When you look in the mirror, remember that no one else sees what you see".

The same applies here.

jodi

[Lana Mae]

I am the charge nurse of two buildings where I work. Like Becky, I am not the crack the whip type. I am more laid back and you know what to do, come to me with any questions. Not really into sports that much. Stopped following it years ago! Dressed I am just relaxed and laid back! Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Karine,
I don't think many of us see ourselves as others do . To me I just did what society expected , after school found a job, had a few girlfriends and then finally got married. I was fairly young but still took on a mortgage to build a family home, all the time CDing was in the background but I just hid it behind doing the right things as a male. Never really considered myself macho or alpha, I just did my own thing and worked hard to provide for a young family and building up my photography business. My wife didn't have a clue about my dressing till I finally couldn't stand the pressure of using my male perspective to cover up my dressing needs. She had never seen me cry at all till that point but I sobbed my heart out , it felt like a millstone lifted off my shoulders. For a while she was OK about it but the DADT wall went up and I dropped to a very low ebb with feelings of being unloved and rejected to the point where I nearly ended my life . I guess at that point my life had changed the man she thought she'd married had changed, I struggled on for another twenty years till now still trying to be the man she married and a father to our children but they all know now there is something different about me , there is a need to be seen and accepted as a woman, my wife doesn't want to see that side of me but she knows it's not going away. They all also know that I fully accept that and no longer care who knows about Teresa, she is part of me and I'm no longer ashamed to admit that side of me exists.

It's not an act for me so my personality is exactly the same in either mode , I still do the male things when required but enjoy the more feminine side dressing brings .

[Sky]

I am effeminate, I am well aware of it and a number of people have told me so. It does not necessarily mean everybody knows I dress up -it is what it is.

[Karine]

Hi everyone.

Thanks you all for your answers.

Could be just me but she brought fashion into the conversation with you more than once she may already have a clue.

I really don't think so. We frequently ask advice about clothes and rib each other when she or I (I have to admit that I am more concerned) want to try a new audacious style.

none have any idea lol! but when i present as a girl yeah it's very feminine but i wouldnt say i go submissive or anything i definitely become more relaxed that's for sure.

I pretty sure that no one have a clue too.

her impression of me hasn't changed she doesn't see me as a sissy or anything like weaker or anything. i guess but that is because we both see both women and men as equal.i guess but that is because we both see both women and men as equal.

I hope in our 21st century everybody thinks the same way, especially on a crossdressing forum.
Maybe a good point for coming out for me, I am really afraid that my "male" will suffer if I come out to her. We also see woman and man as equal, our relationship is based on mutual respect and support.

When counseling teenagers about self image problems, they are always told that--"When you look in the mirror, remember that no one else sees what you see".

I don't think many of us see ourselves as others do .

when i present as a girl yeah it's very feminine but i wouldnt say i go submissive or anything i definitely become more relaxed that's for sure. when i told my so she laughed and said she thought that my macho behaviour (in her view) in the kurve was compensating for something.

Very interesting.
Maybe you're right, but that's the point. I don't hide my softer feelings. I mean sensitivity, softness, empathy, but it's like nobody see them or want to see them.
I don't think I'm trying to compensate when crossdress anything. I am comfortable with who I am, my feelings.

It's not an act for me so my personality is exactly the same in either mode , I still do the male things when required but enjoy the more feminine side dressing brings .

when i present as a girl yeah it's very feminine but i wouldnt say i go submissive or anything i definitely become more relaxed that's for sure.

The same for me. I am exactly the same person, doing the same thing when I dress (like watching sports). Just having fun getting dolled up and getting more relaxed.
It makes me wonder, does your SO or friends or any other relatives notice more your personality traits that are usually assigned to women (sensitivity, softness) since they know you crossdress ?

Thanks you all again.
Karine.



PS:

but the DADT wall went up and I dropped to a very low ebb with feelings of being unloved and rejected to the point where I nearly ended my life .

Teresa, I really feel for you for having to go through all this and really happy things are going better for you.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm going to reply to your OP. I see myself dressed the way I look in my avatar. Many people see my photos and see me the same way.

However, I do NOT look that way in real life. I look like a man in a dress.

Alpha beta kappa, whatever. No one who sees me in drab would ever guess I dressed!
And, that's fine with me!

[Karyn Marie]

Wow, where do I start. As mentioned is a couple of posts, I am a retired deputy sheriff, having retired six years ago after 30 years. Of course, because of my job, I had to be very alpha, which to be honest, was not really who I am, but I put on a good façade and was well respected by the men and women I worked with. I was told on more than one occasion that they were always glad when they heard me answer up when they needed a backup, usually an unruly person. Well, I could go home and if I was alone, could dress and be more of a submissive girly boy. Now that I have retired, and come out to my wife, she has said she was so shocked when I told her. She can't understand how I can be so manly. I have repeatedly told her I was not as manly as she thought or thinks I am. She has even started telling me I am different than I was before, and act more feminine that I was before. She has even started calling me her girl, which of course I like. She is right, I am becoming very feminine and have started wearing earrings, and women's garmets. I want to get my eyebrows shaped and have been painting my toenails. Yup, I am her girl.