Originally Posted by
phili
Thanks, everyone for all the various replies.
Based on this, the members are split between- 'just get it all on the table' and 'just hide it or you'll not likely have a relationship' .
You may want to read so other posts here, there are way more situations then just two.
It was an interesting twist to have it pointed out that some crossdressers don't feel it is critical behavior until later, so hiding it is then reasonable as well- since it is clearly outlier behavior, and SOs will generally only tolerate it within certain bounds, which we may feel are acceptable overall, considering the weakness of our position. Crossdressing cannot be considered "outlier", since the very term outlier implies that some sort of statistical sampling or data gathering has occurred, group opinions are not data.
There is also the separate issue of when CDing is the tip of the transition iceberg, which of course it would be better to try to decide before getting married.ip, cding would form would be the base not the tip since transition is the summit people seek to attain once they start on the road.
It is pointed out that CDing is a mysterious business, resistant to much elucidation, and maybe that murkiness is a valuable defense as a mitigating factor for sympathetic SOs. which hopefully we will marry. However, I can attest that even after really focusing on the diverse personality strands that are involved for me, and being better able to clarify the whys and whens for me- my overall sympathetic wife still has to do an exhaustive remodel of her conscious and unconscious mindsets to be able to accept it anyway. It isn't something she is eager or even willing to do. Much easier to say I am the social outlier and it is not her problem to solve. I did tell her before we got married, but she interpreted it as some tiny bedroom play thing and therefore not a problem. She says that my proposal here is right, and that the CDer needs to tell all about what they mean and show it, so there is no confusion. If I had to lay odds, I would say she still would have married me, but she would have been placing rules earlier and more precisely to keep her world livable. your own example is apparently one of not communicating in a manner that your spouse fully understood.
I'd say the takeaway from group opinion is that before you tie the knot, at least probe your SOs POV to see how radioactive the subject is, as it at least alerts you to the risks. We don't have a poll on the divorce risk, but it is clearly significant. Since that is catastrophic loss, at which point we are either alone or do have to find another SO who does accept us- means to me that the best practice is to wait to tell until you have cemented a strong relationship on your persoaltell what you know to your fiancée, in full measure, and to say there is some risk of it evolving in some direction of more femininity. The important intro is that there is a hidden part of you, but the hidden muddled part is part of what makes you the person they are considering marrying. And then just sit there with them while their internal gears whir and they recalculate their risks from marrying you!
All my girlfriends accepted basic underdressing and occasional babydoll wearing in bed, and I think that is the acceptable level for many women- since it doesn't threaten the most basis division of labor and roles, and is perceivable as play acting to relieve curiosity. It is sad that that doesn't turn out to address the urge sufficiently! But that is why we need to peel one more layer off the onion if we can before we get married, IMO.