Brianne, that is a self full-filling prophesy, of course there are more successful marriages where the husband told before. Because if the wife to be was not accepting the marriage never happened and is not put down as any statistic its just a failed relationship.
A.K.A Rebecca & Bec
Two problems phili.
1.) People kid themselves a lot, probably especially when getting married. They deliberately turn a blind eye to certain things, hoping that the plusses will win out. If this weren't the case I don't think many people would get married at all.
2.) Crossdressing can come out of nowhere and blindside you. Many here don't discover it till late middle age or even older.
I used to have a short attention spa
I agree with brianne. My easiest times came from women who knew up front and the hardest was when I told after the marriage. While it worked out in the end, it was a loooong bumpy road that could have probably been avoided at the jump.
Having been a part of the scene for forty years, before most support groups began, the ratio of accepting women is probably higher than you think. The ones who do make themselves known to a help service are those who have difficulty working it out, and I would say that even generationally the younger ones who reach a service have as much difficulty as the older ones did. Gender and sexuality are the bigger stumbling blocks, with how family time and money are spent close behind. For women, your mental outlook is far more important than what you wear. Or put another way, dressing like a woman doesn't make you the equal of a genuine one.
Phili,
If only it was as easy as that !
The problem I had was that before I married I had two GFs who knew and accepted my CDing, so naively I married and thought women would accept it. The issue didn't arise because me continuing to dress there was so much going on that the issue never came up with my wife until I found twenty years latter I was still doing it . I guess all the time I expected it to be a passing phase because it was sexual but it didn't and that was when it became to be a problem and the downward spiral started when I came out to my wife.
The question is do I have any regrets, well I might not have two great kids and three lovely grandchildren. The hard part has been the discovery that it's for life and things had to change to accommodate those needs .
I have been surprised how many wives/partners accompany CDers to my social meetings and actually enjoy it.
Last edited by Teresa; 02-14-2017 at 02:21 PM.
Of course it is always best to be honest and tell the person you are thinking of marrying that you are a transvestite/ cross dresser. (By the way I don't think of the word "transvestite" being pejorative, so I use it freely). However it is not as simple as that because in my experience, and in the experience of many members, the desire to cross dress may not be very strong when you are in your early twenties. Although I began to dress up when I was very young I did not recognize it for what it was until much later in life. I truly believed it was more of a sexual fetish for a long while. Before marrying I told my SO and she decided that it was OK. So we went ahead and married and then I found she objected to my dressing which confused me. The answer lay in ignorance. On my part I was insufficiently educated about transvestism and transgenderism and in large part that was because there was so little information available in the pre-Internet age. On her part I believe she did not truly understand what transvestism was either and did not even attempt to find out. Of course she was hobbled by the extreme lack of information as well
So there we were on the brink of a marriage with insufficient information to understand not only what transvestism is but also how it can evolve and change in a person over time. I thought I knew myself but it turns out that I didn't really and I was completely unaware and unprepared for the strengthening of my cross dressing desires as I matured.
Yes, complete honesty is a good thing but full knowledge of the condition and of yourself is also necessary and your intended partner needs to be fully educated also, not only about transvestism but also she needs to understand her reaction to it and how her reaction may change over time.
Hence it is not simply a matter of telling. It is also a matter of understanding and knowing oneself and that alone is a major challenge. I have known several gay men who did not truly understand that they were homosexual before they were married and went ahead. Some were truly ignorant of their homosexuality while others thought that it was something that they could manage. Full understanding and realization came later and the marriage did not survive. So this type of issue is not just confined to the cross dressing community.
That said I still believe that hiding ones cross dressing will only lead to trouble in the future. Be honest with others but also be honest with yourself and that requires lots of knowledge.
Your subject line is the best advice of all. Unfortunately, this site wasn't available 35 years ago when I got married. So, when I inevitably found in couldn't keep it in the closet anymore, it was the start of 25 years of a whole lotta crap I wished I could have avoided. We did eventually arrive at our compromise, but she told me in counseling that if she knew I was a CD before we got married, she wouldn't have. I so envy the twentysomethings now that can talk more freely about these issues than when I was young.
I whole heartedly agree, phili. I have informed all SOs about my crossdressing fetish and pansexuality early on in every serious relationship since college. I've never had any leave as a result, some have even been enthusiastic supporters, some have been very accepting, but not "into" enough themselves for what I need in a long term relationship. I have accepted that to truly be happy, I need to be with a woman who is "into" CDs to some extent, and also someone who is non-monogamous and open minded regarding sexuality.
For those reasons, I'm still unmarried, but I do always put that info out there and up front in my online dating profiles and to my close circle of friends. I've told them all that any time they think about fixing me up with one of their friends, or if someone expresses any interest in me, to make sure they know the basics of my CDing and sexuality. Honesty is the best policy and I'm so much happier living more openly now. Even if I am still single...
I agree with you wholeheartedly.Originally Posted by phili
You mean a GG who is into it sexually, as in getting off on having sex with you crossdressed more than when you are not?
You might find such GGs, but the issue is having them sustain that level of interest in the long term, if you are looking for long-term partners. We've had many GGs join this site over the years and some have indeed said they were into it with their brand new boyfriends. In fact, they joined to learn how they could please their new boyfriends even more. But, these new GGs invariably posted once or twice, never to return. Whether they eventually found relationship bliss and didn't need advice anymore, or whether they tired of the CDing as they learned more about it (that it was the main interest and not a simple enhancement to hetero sex, in other words, the GGs were not in the starring role), is anyone's guess.
We've also had lots of CD members who said that in the beginning, their wives were into it sexually, only to have the interest wean or almost disappear in the long term, I assume for the same reasons. I'm guessing it was because their wives no longer felt they were the main interest in the bedroom.
So my advice is to join an alt-sex community, for people who deliberatly seek non-traditional sex. You should check out Fet Life. They have chapters in every major city.
Reine
Reine's point about our SOs needing to feel they are our loved sexual interest, not an object in our fantasies about ourselves. I once felt a girl was attracted to and pursuing me as a masculine sex object, and it was awful. I couldn't believe I was turning down her offer, but I didn't want to feel like she didn't know or care who I was and how I felt. That I was to play act for her.
This may not feel bad for everyone, and role playing sex is common and the core staple of porn, but marriage only is satisfying when it is a live positive and emotionally connected experience! We wouldn't want to marry someone who cared more about their clothes than how we were feeling and what we wanted to talk about.
We are all beautiful...!
In my first Marriage it wasn't too good. My ex was nasty and even told my family. I was lucky they brushed it off as her trying to cause trouble. My dressing didn't get in the way of our break up mind you she threw out alot of my clothes. I did manage to save alot and ended up divorced. it was brought up in the courts and even my family was almost dragged into it. When it came time and I finally got my buisness in order I wanted to settle down. I dated a guy who wanted to be with a CD and it was good for a year. In and out of relationships for a year or two and I decided to settle for what I wanted.
I sat down and said I am not giving up the CD life. If a woman wants to be with me she has to accept my dressing. I dated one woman who tried to shame me in front of our friends of singles and daters. I decided to keep going and ended up with a message one day this woman wants to talk to me. We dated and after a few months we could not be apart we did everything together and we were very open.
My heart got torn this is a woman I wanted to be with. She asked me to move in with her (her daughter lived with her at the time). I told her we need to talk and that this was going to be the maker or breaker talk. I told her that if we moved in together I did not want to live common law we had to get married with in the year. the next night she came over and said yes to that. I also broke down almost in tears...... I told her about my dressing up. That It is part of me and I was not going to stop....... I said I have been doing it since I was 13. Well I walked away knowing she didn't say anything and was shocked. She called me up and said we need to talk. I said it is ok if you don't want anything to do with this now and we can go our separate ways. She said I had to come to her place and we needed to talk everything over.
We talked for a few hours as she asked me to tell her what I went thru. She grabbed my hand and said she wanted to be with me and she would support and help me and would eventually like to go out as 2 women shopping or walking around. I moved in with her 10 years ago we shared a closet full of her clothes on one side and my dresses on the other half. The other closet was both our clothes. She told me after I told her about what my ex did she cried and could not believe some people are so mean.
The one point of view I take on this is you only live once and I do not want to say I wish I did this or that. I know when I have told people about me dressing it lifted a big weight off my shoulders.
By the way my wife and I will be married 10 years this November. One night we will go out as a couple and the next night we plan on going out as me dressed.
Ok, so I've been divorced twice after a combined 35 years of marriage to two women. Each accommodated my thing in her own way. And as I evolved or became more self indulgent, or both, I managed to leave both of them that they were sexual props...there to feed my fantasies, but not theirs. The details and level of involvement varied from one to the next, but I think what angered them in the end was, just as Reine suggests, that they quite rightly felt their needs were being neglected.
In retrospect, I can see it all unfolding. I don't regret my need to express whatever this is in me....but I deeply regret allowing myself to become so self centered. If I had been fractionally as accommodating as either wife, things may have been more fulfilling for both of us.
But really to the point of the thread, I 'thought' or persuaded myself that I was being open and honest about who I was. And I think both my wives felt they were being accepting. Of course we all change, and start with good intentions, but any of us runs the risk of being self indulgent to a destructive degree.
Last edited by kimdl93; 02-28-2017 at 11:10 PM.
My Wife new before we were married and was ok with it, back then some 40 plus years ago i didnt do it much. She always liked me dressing in panties and hose. AS i have gotten older the kids grown i find myself wanting to be be more femme. I now have numerous outfits many pairs of shoes many wigs numerous forms in differnt sizes. My wife is still ok with me dressing will buy me make up and clothing on ocassion. She likes to see pictures of me fully dressed and still like to see me in hose panties and bra, even loves me totally shaved, however she has no desire to see me fully dressed and made up. Only once and it was under the condition of no wig. I find this funny (strange) but respect it. She says one of these days she will meet the full Laura but not ready to handle it. I dont get it but we are both differnt and like i saud i have to respect her wish. I have asked her manytimes if she has regrets, her answer is always a sounding NO.
I told my wife before we were married. I told her not too long after we started dating. She accepted it, but she thought that after we were married I would change. It didn't go as she hoped, but she does accept it. Would rather I didn't, but has bought me things. We have been married for many years.
As I read the many replies to this post and question I am reminded of the saying -- IF ONLY I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW.
Also I would like to point out that cross dressing tends to make us very self-centered/narcissistic/solipsistic and that can render us as unsatisfactory partners in a relationship.
I'd like to add my 2 cents. We met in college and got engaged. After graduation, before setting our wedding day, I felt I needed to be honest with her and tell her about my cding. We went to dinner, she knew I was "on edge". I finally 'fessed up", expecting her to dash to the exit door. To my surprise, she stayed but had one question....was I gay or bi. I said, "no", she smiled and said "OK, how can I help". I was so relieved and exhilarated. We did a lot of talking..what, when, why, etc.
This was many years ago. She enjoys buying things she thinks would look good, helps with makeup, etc. I'm now pretty much on my own, but still ask for her advice. It's been wonderful...best thing I ever did. 👨 👩*🔧
Tell her. I did, special on so many levels
You cannot blanket say you should not marry until your spouse is all in, since people change as the years go by.
. some people don't even begin crossdressing until after they are married ..... then decide to transition years later.
. some people drink lightly and become alcoholics years later.
. some people start as occasionally bad tempered person and then become abusive years later.
the point is that no one ever knows if what they are willing to accept early in their relationship at what point it becomes a deal breaker with their spouse.
.
I wonder how many of the totally accepting wives would, in a candid conversation, admit that they would really prefer their husbands did not crossdress? Or another way of saying it might be, how many wives wake up each day and say, "Thank God my husband is a crossdresser." I suspect it is more the former than the latter as all marriages are based on compromise and accepting each others unique issues.
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