Relationship Change or Statement ..??

[Joan.Meredith]

Well, it's amazing when one gets sick what comes out.

My wife has come down with the stomach bug, and last night it seemed like she just let it all hang out. She let me know what she thought about all the changes that I've made. The list is basically everything that I've changed, nothing about the clothing so far. All about my body, and my mannerisms. Yes, my mannerisms I haven't made a huge effort to change them, and I'm not on hormones so I can't blame it on that. Yet, as I change my wardrobe and think about myself more solidly as Joan instead of John. I don't hear my name outside of work very much, so it has made thinking about myself as Joan pretty easy. Yet, most of the people I interact with are family. So I hear Dad, Daddy, Hun, Honey, my middle name, or my last name. Most don't use my first name... Also she told me that the farther along I go the farther away she becomes. And that if I do hormones I have to leave the house, and my boys will be without their dad.

I'm sorry that this has become a bit of a dumping this morning. I just needed to let it out somewhere.

I think this is in the correct place. If not please move, wasn't sure if it was here or "Loved Ones"

[Linda E. Woodworth]

Hi Joan,

Tough one right to the gut.

Best I can say is communication, communication, communication. You and your wife, when she's health again, need to sit down and talk this over as two adults. Little bites are fine rather than have an "international summit meeting" with 53 1/2 things on the agenda.

Part of this also means you have to know who "you" are and where you're going. Not an easy question, I know from personal experience.

I also act differently when presenting as "Linda" rather than my male persona. I try and keep them separate but have noticed some feminine mannerisms creeping in. Lastly hormones are a very big deal. My wife told me that if I started them then she was "rethinking" our marriage. This all came about from "NOT" communicating.

Good Luck and remember we're here if you need to reach out.

Linda W.

[Pat]

Joan -- so sorry to read this. This is a basic challenge to your right to exist and I know it can be very hurtful. Your wife probably doesn't realize how deep a cut like that is -- I imagine she thinks your behavior is put on and so can be shrugged off. Sometimes we do too good a job of cis-pretending and people don't realize we've been faking the male persona all these years. I do think this sort of thing can be overcome if your wife is open to change but when you're beastly sick you're not at your best. I think it's totally fair to grieve over the hurt and you'll find sympathy here.

[Tracii G]

She should not use your children that way against you.
Personally I would have told her how wrong that is the moment she said that.
How would you feel if it was her and not you that was doing the changes? You might want to give that some thought.

[Stephanie47]

Life is never static. Marriage is never static. Things change. In your bio you indicate you and your wife have been together for 25 years. It seems the you she married is slowly creeping away from her. At some point in time I can only assume she has finally made an assessment of her relationship with you. Unfortunately sometimes things progress at a glacial pace and then when the glacier gets to the edge it just breaks and falls into the water. Just keep in mind your needs may not be met, but, then again, neither are her needs being met. I would not necessarily view her comment concerning the absence of a father in the house as leverage to stop you from doing something she may object to. It may be just a fact that will occur if she is awarded physical custody of the children. You really don't expect her to roll over and accept everything you may want to do, do you?

[~Joanne~]

You know, and this might go slightly off topic, not sure, but when I was growing up I don't think my parents ever used Me as a tool or slave and i see it's VERY common these days. I don't know how many couples I know use their kids to "fetch" them things or when they do get into and argument or fight , they use the kids as leverage (mostly the women). It makes me happy that I never had, or wanted, children.

While she'll use the "not the man I married" excuse for whatever ills her you really do have to ask yourself, "is this the woman I married?" marriage is a two way street and i hate hearing all the time these sort of things where it is always about what SHE wants/needs and the spouse is left to whatever is left. It's suppose to be a partnership of sorts, not a her way or no way.

JMO

[Wen4cd]

Joan I've read some of your other posts, so I understand a little of your background on this.

My take is that your wife, like most, could live with a CD husband, and accept that as part of your personality. But if you take irreversible steps to transition, it's going to be seen as a statement of rejection of the marriage. If she began taking pills to grow a beard and be a man, you may accept that it is her right to do such a thing, buy you would not be in the wrong for not seeing her the same anymore, nor would you be guilty or morally culpable for not finding it attractive anymore or wanting to exit the situation.

[Rachael Leigh]

Joan it's hard being trans so many have different situations and I like you somedays try and think of myself as Rachael and
if I did ever find myself in a full or even parttime transition there is just to much that I would have to leave behind.
It's diffcult but we all have to find our way to manage it. For me I try and go out in the vanilla world and just be me once or
twice a week so I wish for you the best
Rachael

[Dana44]

Sorry to hear that Joan, Perhaps she was sick and not feeling well so she cut you like that. I would ask here to clarify that remark. Maybe she was reflecting negative thoughts while she didn't feel well.

[Becky Blue]

Sorry to hear Joan, alas there are many stories out there of accepting wives, who seem to be accepting until something unrelated goes wrong and then it all comes out. Maybe its just normal human behaviour, perhaps she was just feeling a bit down and emotional and venting as she was sick.

[Tracii G]

I think a lot of the causes with marriage struggles CDers face is because the CDer goes too far too fast.
A CD friend of mine went off the rails when his SO said OK dress if it makes you happy.
He saw it as a green light and scheduled makeovers, bought a ton of expensive clothes/shoes.
Even inquired about breast implants with his doctor.
I told him to slow down even had a talk with his wife and she begged me to talk some sense into him.
They divorced and they both lost everything because he went too far too fast.
I think a lot of CDers just don't consider their wives feelings and think its all about them.

[Rogina B]

Tracii is very right on that !

[Tracii G]

I hate to be a downer like that but I have seen it time and time again on CD/trans websites.
Nobody seems to let things happen naturally anymore.
Everything is I want it all and I want it now mindset with no regard for their partner

[Joan.Meredith]

To All,

I'm doing my best not to push too hard. Right now I've reached a point that seems like I can sit for a bit. Just hope that the rest of the family is OK with it. I was wondering if my mannerisms have just begun to catch up with my way of thinking? Don't know, just trying not to rock the boat right now.

[JeanTG]

I think a lot of the causes with marriage struggles CDers face is because the CDer goes too far too fast.
A CD friend of mine went off the rails when his SO said OK dress if it makes you happy.

A lot of men make the mistake of interpreting "OK go ahead and...<insert what floats your boat here> if it makes you happy". What is mistakenly interpreted as "permission" really is, in fact, a dare. It doesn't matter whether the issue is crossdressing, or buying a Harley and joining the Hell's Angels: you're a dead man if you do it.

For crossdressing, women need time to adapt.

[Joan.Meredith]

To All,

I've tried my hardest not to rush into this, but it's harder than one seems. Right now I think I'm at a point that I can sit for a while and let the dust settle. I'm also dealing with all my church friends that don't agree with what I'm doing. So for now, I'm going to do my best to just stay where I'm at.

[Wen4cd]

I was wondering if my mannerisms have just begun to catch up with my way of thinking?

I've found that this can be the case whether you even realize it. My 'gender energy' hits me in the spine first, I can tell I'm in "that way" because my posture will change and spread out from my back to the rest of my limbs. My head is often the last to realize it.

My wife, after 30 years, can spot it in the set of my brow before I even notice it. I've come to find that while seeing me in all sorts of dress doesn't faze her much, seeing that fundamental mood swing into "femergy" come over me makes her nervous, as if I am a stranger in her house.

[Allsteamedup]

Wen, please clear your box so I can pm you.

Joan, The support group I belong to encourages female partners who do not wish to lose their marriage, and subsequently become lesbian, to make a timescaled decision for parting. This is not a threat. It is a choice made for the good of all concerned. You would still be a parent but at a different address. There is nothing worse than losing everything you valued as a wife and mother to accommodate altered gender in a partner. Everyone is entitled to a choice.

[kimdl93]

Here's a thought. The flu bug may have opened a channel for communication. Keep it open and encourage it to continue. She gave you the point of view she holds today, but its not necesarrily an ultimatum...maybe more realistically, its a warning. And if you show genuine interest in her point of view, a willingness to work with her and keep checking, perhaps you wont need to get into a time-scaled plan for parting.