My SO has suffered a leg injury, nothing to do with me I hasten to add, that means she spends most of each morning in bed either resting or doing physio exercises.
This has meant I get time downstairs to dress as if she does decide it’s time to get up, it takes a while to get down the stairs and I can do a quick change before she descends.
I’ve come to realise that this is killing me, literally! At first I was fairly relaxed while dressed (just as pull on skirt and top) but as time goes by and my SO recuperates, she’s getting that little bit quicker and the margins reduce. Hence I’m finding it ever more stressful and while I still find I’m drawn to being dressed, the level of nervousness is such that it’s impossible to spend the time in anything other than a state of tension.
So I’m doing the logical thing. I’m forgoing dressing as the stress levels are such that if I’m not careful, I’ll have a heart attack!
I did consider what would happen if I did get caught and in a PM to someone on the forum describing my situation the question was asked, “Is there a suppressed desire to out yourself”. And yes the answer to that is subconsciously that’s a possibility.
What this episode has made me realise is just how drawn we are to dressing and before anyone say’s I should out myself, forget it, save your breath, it ain’t going to happen. What will happen is I’ll be appreciative of the opportunity I had. It’ll get filed under “Really, you did what!” I’ll regain control of my heart beat.
This whole episode has made me ever more conscious of the pull, the desire, perhaps the hold dressing has over me. Does this make it an addiction? I hope not as my plan is to stop these current activities. I know however it will be a conscious effort, a battle of wills, desire over logic.
What I will take away from this period is a better understanding of how deeply ingrained dressing is within me. I’m just grateful my old ticker is still going…. For now!!