What am I anyway?

[Tama]

Here's whats up.. I am kind of large, over 6'3" and 250 Lbs. Gym rat, played hockey, etc etc..
I am perceived by all around me as a " mans man". Alpha type who makes my presence known as needed, although the truth be known I'd rather by in the background. Never really desired to be in the Male forefront, just always seemed to find myself there anyway.
When I consider who I am in private (here and with my SO for instance), then look at what society sees when I am in "man-mode", it's quite confusing. It's really weird the complete difference of who I believe I am vs what the rest of everyone else sees.
Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you, my beloved digital family deal with such stark contrasts? I'm not a wits end with this but it has been weighing in lately, and who better to ask then you good people?

Thanks in advance for your answers -Tama

[mechamoose]

You, my friend, are facing a dilemma.

A short history on me. I'm 6'2, 250#. I did Kung Fu for 10 years. I don't own any bit of male clothing that isn't XXL. I have long hair and a beard.

I'm not hiding anytime soon.

So I don't.

I dress the way I want, what makes me happy, and in part because I *AM* a big ol' beast, nobody will say a word.

I have found and lived a 'middle way' for many years, Tama. It isn't all one way or the other.

<3

- MM

[Tracii G]

I lived that life for many years Tama until I let go of worrying about it and let my natural self out.
You need to accept yourself first. Let the loathing and guilt pass because that is what is bringing you down.
I have a mostly female mind set and mannerism but there is a male side to me as well.
Find a way to blend both sides of you. You don't have to be all man or all woman there is middle ground to be yourself you just need to find it.

[April T]

Active sports guy. Coached hockey and baseball. Still work out 5 or 6 days a week. And, I love crossdressing. I just accept it.

[docrobbysherry]

There r a number of T's with your body type that show up at Mary's monthly T girl event in Long Beach.

Incredibly, except for some that r very tall, many can pass for big women!

[Tracii G]

Size can be an issue (tall) but yes there are tall women.
I'm 5'4" and weighed more than you do at one time but that never stopped me from crossdressing.
Its all relative anyway your attitude and how you present is the key.

[Lana Mae]

Tama, I have seen some rather large women(6' and over and many over 250 lbs!)! Do not know your particular circumstances but dress and be comfortable in yourself! You have to relax and just be you! Take the time to think it out. Get rid of any guilt and accept yourself for who you are! I have to be the alpha male at work as all the other employees are female! When I get home and change clothes on go the panties! Mostly I am under dressed or in stealth(girl jeans)! My daughter does not want to see daddy in a dress so I must dress in my room for now as she is out of work! Do what is right for you! Enjoy the journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[Periwinkle]

I honestly wouldn't know. Of course I have things that I keep to myself because I feel like they're more personal details (Crossdressing for instance. XP), but for the most part, I'm an open book. I am almost entirely myself around everyone. I could try to be manlier around my male friends, sure. I've done it before. But I didn't enjoy it very much. I much prefer where I'm at now in terms of how I socialize.

[sara66]

Tama,
I am in the same boat as you not quite as tall. I stopped worrying about my size and just embraced both side if me. We are kind of like a coin heads boy, tails girl. I was at a plus size store where the owner new me, I made a comment about not to many 6' size 24 woman. She said they have many women our size. We are not as rare as bigfoot. Just enjoy who you are at any given time.
Sara

[SaraCanonmill]

I think it's kind of fun being tall to be honest, I'm also a bit bigger than I want to be ideally but working on it. I've never been the athletic or muscular type of person though, I've always just wanted the opposite. I used to be tall and lanky (my SO at the time hated it because I was skinnier than she was lol) but I wasn't really able to express myself then and I kind of regret it. In the end you just have to do whatever makes you happy, and not necessarily label it. I don't really even know how to explain where I'm at in my life but I know that doing certain things definitely makes me happy and dressing is one of those things so I will continue to do so.

[Tama]

Thank you all who've responded...what I can add is this. Instead of working for muscle mass at the gym, I am sticking strictly to low weight-high rep/cardio type stuff. This way, I might get the 250 part back in line anyway! I'm enjoying the ride, all things considered thus far! Still, great stuff coming in to think about Thank you

[lovetobedani]

I have the same problem. I'm 6' 250# LG athletic build, have been a martial artist (3rd degree black tang soo do) former football player, also have a commanding presence when entering a room but, so very different in mindset. I'm often perceived as aloof or arrogant but actually shy and very reserved in a room full of people especially if most or all are strangers. What nobody knows is that I identify a lot more with the GG's than the males. I look at how they're dressed and think about how I would want to look. I also have an idea what a perfect me would be if I could choose. I know that GG's come in all sizes and shapes but, I will never be able to pass.

I assume that we all have the perfect look the we want to see in the mirror.

[Rachael Leigh]

Yes there are days I feel as you, I mean everyone I know personally knows me by my male self and look, only a few have ever seen me in my feminine presentation that would also know my male side.
My wife says I live a double life, in that I go out enfem but mostiy present male.
So who am I, well I've pretty much come to accept myself as trans and gender fluid and well even that is difficult at times
especially when the girl wants out more often then not but it's all part of managing this part of me.

[Sarah Doepner]

Tama,
I'm 6'1" and 230, but not much of an athlete these days. I worked with law enforcement and had their respect, backpacked long and occasionally solo treks and raised a family. I've slowly started coming out to family since my wife passed away and it's been fine so far. I just spent the larger part of a week in Las Vegas in girl mode nearly the entire time and now I'm home helping out with grandkids who don't know about my femme side (I think). I don't know where I'm going to end up or how to place myself in the mix here other than say I'm Sarah and I'm okay with that. Who are you? You are someone who doesn't have to fit in anyone's definition or mold other than your own. Work at being happy, continue to enjoy the ride and know that while you are unique, you aren't alone.

[Teresa]

Tama,
I really do sympathise with CDers with this problem , most guys would be happy to be a tall athletic guy. I'm 5' 7" and weigh 147 lbs and can slip into size 12 clothes and have been called a convincing woman by my GG friends, I can wear heels and not tower over people . It has to take more courage to dress and go out , I hope members here who are similar to you can give you the confidence to be yourself and find ways to enjoy your CDing .

[Julie Denier]

I'm 6-2 and 300+#. Love to eat, love cigars, enjoy being a guy. But yet there's this constant pull toward dressing up. I enjoy it when I can. It's a private thing for me.

[IleneD]

Tama,

Bear up, darling. You are among friends here; friends who understand.
I am much like you, as are many of the responders to this thread. You can read my profile bio, but I've got all my Man Cards punched; believe me. Career military, combat, played all the contact sports, athlete, etc. 6'3", 215lb, exercise almost daily; good shape. I've been married to the same woman for 40 yrs, and just had my 65th birthday. Children & grandchildren. AND, AS YOU SAY.... proverbially the Last Guy You'd Suspect of Wearing a Dress.

Coming Out isn't easy, but essential. At least come out to yourself and the significant others who love you and who can process it. The damage done to myself from wrestling with my gender/sexual identity issues for 6 decades was insufferable.
I had to come out to myself long before I shared my inner female with my wife. I resolved it was who I was. Having an inner woman was a strength I couldn't explain to others. In many ways, I am a more complete man and human being because of my femme identity and love for things girly. The hardest part is to get over the shame. Please do.

Then, read the accounts of many others and LEARN before you do something dramatic or precipitous that might cause true damage to your personal relationships or career. There are things to learn about yourself and your CD habit; the reasons for it (you may not even understand), and the words/techniques others have used to successfully come out and integrate their Femme Life into real life. Not easy, but I've found the advice and experience of the members here to be mature, intelligent and wise.

Peace be with you, Tama. Good luck.

[Alisonforme]

I see such a beautiful woman in the mirror and in my pics I see a man in a dress. At best that's how most of my family would see me.
As for the difference between man and woman, I feel like I have the same light shining through two different facets.
At heart I'm the same, and I have a feminine side that adds enlightenment, wonder, and growth to my human experience.
It absolutely makes me a better me.

As for how I deal with it, my SO and oldest daughter know. DADT with SO, daughter is the only one who's seen me en femme (besides 1 support meeting I attended). She's very cool and supportive.