My name is Adam, this is my story

[Michelle123]

Adam, have you considered telling your mother about your need to dress? it sounds as if she may be accepting of your needs. I think it would be very beneficial for you if you were free to dress at home. Would relieve some of your anxiety for sure.

[Tracii G]

Adam some therapy might do you good so look into that and see a gender therapist too for you gender issues.
Remember all that "the kid not to be around" was in your childhood let that pass and concentrate on who you are now as an adult.
If I lived in the past and rehashed all the pain and suffering I caused people I would go crazy.
I was one of those people that you didn't want to be around so I understand how that feels. If you crossed me you ended up in the hospital.
I have to live everyday knowing what I did to people and I didn't deserve to get out of that lifestyle but I did.
Get help and get your mind right and I guarantee your life will get better.
I normally don't open up about my past but your post made me to let you know how bad things may seem they could be a lot worse and its up to you to break the cycle.
You are a worthy human being and deserve to be happy and be yourself.

[Jenny22]

Someone once said,"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," so get that thought out of your mind. As you've described yourself, things can't get much worse, but they sure as hell can get a whole lot better, if you look in the right directions. Many have suggested professional help, and they are right on! If you live near a college or university, you might be able to get free psychological help there.

You state you live in a small town, but where? Uk? Canada? USA? Let us know the county and state, if you can. Why? There are forum sisters all over the world who would like to be your personal friends and may live near you. They could become Big Sisters, if you'd like and could be a great source for possible answers to your personal challenges.

BTW, your dress is very pretty, and no farmer's arms! Hugs.

[Trinity1991]

i live in Penticton BC, Canada

and thanks, i have been trying to lose weight but i am still 200 lbs >< lol

[Tracii G]

Women come in all shapes and sizes so don't let that worry you at all dress in what you want this is not a competition.
The small town thing I wouldn't worry about either if you have on make up and a wig and dress properly people aren't going to think its you anyway.
I have been withing arms reach of my Daughter and her husband while cross dressed and they didn't recognize me.
They weren't looking for me in a dress and heels so I never entered their minds. They have never mentioned anything to me about that day.

[phili]

HI Trinity,
I spent a long time around ages 18-28 being depressed, and finally kicked it when two things happened-
a. I realized one day that I was trapped in a euphoria of inaction, and when I focused on the reality of something- in this case, the technique for making my bed, suddenly the passive feeling was gone and I was back! This didn't hold long, but it gave me the path- focus on concrete purpose and the technicality- i.e. reality of how things get done
b. I witnessed my hopes arising moment by moment and then being dashed as if by incoming missiles of negativity- that won't work because...- coming from none other than myself or some part of my mind, which I think is called the inner critic, or more aptly, inner discourager- which is undoubtedly the internalized voice of some authority figure in your life, or many of them, or even an imaginary one to explain why people were ganging up on you.

That got me back to more or less normal, but the final unwinding of the reason came after a very cool therapy session where I remembered my dad choking me into submission. I was suddenly liberated- the mystery was solved. I forgave him, since by that time I was able to acknowledge that we all can do stupid stuff, and didn't have the need to pretend I was perfect anymore.

Which pretending, by the way, is also the source of persisting in a victim role.

The predator instincts of those who banded against you were incited by your fear and agreement with them that they had power. They actually don't have any power except to negotiate with you and see if you will accept status as a black sheep nobody- and then they can feel better when you feel terrible. Not a nice agreement to make, so cancel it.

You are full of capacity to do and feel and contribute- so get back out there and take the best job available today, and keep it only long enough till you get a better one.

And you can find a roommate- lots of people needing a roommate will find interest in a happy crossdresser who has their life back.

[Trinity1991]

Thanks everyone I appreciate all the replies

[Tracii G]

Well said philli.
Trinity1991 what you are going thru right now is part of growing up we all have gone thru it and survived so you will too.
Your 20's are a time where peer pressure is very strong and people around you are "pulling" you in all directions.
Find a positive direction to follow with positive people and surround your self with those types and do your own thing.
If you continue letting the negative people surround you and control your thinking you will stay stuck in your present situation.