I am new and have questions

[rian]

In order to understand why we crossdress , it is important to see the whole picture ,,,we just love to be feeling that we are beautiful woman ,,,same as you feel being a woman ,,,genetically we are built within by our DNA ,,,...it is a gift giving by God to us ..it is not a curse ...so once you accept this Idea ,,,the rest is easy ,,,,WHY don't you try to let him see this forum and show him that you are very interested to know so that both of you can accept this situation and try to make it work from both sides ,,,,yet the most important is to give him the courage to open up to you ....

[Soapstar411]

I know a few of you mentioned therapy throughout this thread, and I have been thinking about it. I want to mention it to him, but at the same time I'm afraid he may get offended. I think he just needs to open up in general. Even though I know his secret, I feel like he never wants to share anything with me (what he's thinking, his desires, etc) there have been many times where I will walk past him while he is on his phone, and when he sees me coming, he will quickly put his phone down. I don't know what to do, it's like he won't open up to me. How should I go about addressing therapy to him? Maybe there's other things that are going on that I don't know about?

[Bruce64]

I am a Crossdresser also and I find the fabric in Women Clothing I like, after many years of hiding my stash, my Wife was away for two Months and I took full privileges of wearing all that I water to wear, when she got back I told her about the way I am and she accepted it, bearing in mind I an not trying to be a Woman and I am not attracted to Men. So to make a long story short, I do what I do and I am a much more happier Person, now I can wear a Skirt and cook, I love wearing my Brassiere too and as honest as I am I do not know why I crossdressing.

[Soapstar411]

Bruce64,

I'm glad that you and your wife are able to have an open and honest conversation with one another! I believe that is key to a happy and healthy marriage. Unfortunately, me and my husband are not there yet, and I have expressed my concerns to him in the past about how I wish he would open up to me more, but nothing has changed. I hope it will soon.

[Sarah Doepner]

Soapstar,

I wish you and your husband the best as you move through this maze. Be patient overall because there will be blind alleys and time you have to reverse course in your attempt to make progress. I can't resist offering my opinion and observations as well, because, well because I can not because I have any better insight than anyone else.

Why is he dressing? Don't know. It could be any one or combination of many things. I've been doing it since I was a kid, thought I'd get over it when I got married, it came back and I hid it from my family yadda yadda yadda, it's a very common story. For me I like to think I'm "self-medicating" gender identity issues through the use of clothing. When this works it makes me a crossdresser. If I went to a doc to get hormones or started having surgeries it would probably make me transsexual, so I'm being successful with a much cheaper means of dealing with that issue. Not very many people have jumped on board with this idea, so take this and everything you read with a grain or two of salt, your mileage may vary.

Why is he hiding it from you? Don't know. I hid it from my late wife for years and yes, I was going out when I thought I had the chance. I loved her very much and she had a full plate of issues to deal with, our kids, her family, her career, the issues I'd bring to share, what problems her friends had, how the dog was doing and why was her favorite sports team not being successful. I kept that "little issue" from her because I was afraid and ashamed and because she didn't need one more thing on her mind. She found me out and I was on pins and needles for several days until she told me she had done her research and I should move my nice things to hangers rather than keep them stuffed in canvas bag in the basement. Yeah, I lucked out.

Why did she accept me? Because she was a saint? She said it was because those aspects of my personality that she loved the most were emphasized by my ability to embrace my feminine side. I wasn't attempting by that point in my life to overcome it by being all macho man. I had accepted it and her validation allowed me to move on. It may be that your husband is still working on accepting it himself. Even if he's going out and can't seem to keep from getting dressed up, he's still working on finding it okay to accept that part of himself.

What should you do now? Hell, I don't have a clue but I'll rattle on anyway. It sounds like you are being very gentle with him, accepting and maintaining a posture of open communication. That will work for a while but I'm afraid you will find yourself becoming frustrated and burning out if he doesn't respond in ways that meet your needs. And you have needs that are just as valid as anything he has. You are partners in life right now and that means sacrifices that are shared. Don't be afraid to let him know that you accept that aspect of his world, but he needs to reflect that he has an obligation to make sure you have answers to questions that are bothering you. Even little, tiny burrs under saddles eventually can cause big problems. If you go the route of letting him know he has to share more of this particular load, don't expect him to jump right in. He hasn't demonstrated a tendency to do that so far. But he eventually needs to understand your unconditional love needs to be met with more trust and the respect needed for you to remain concerned for his safety, be happy and supportive.

At this stage his crossdressing is a very solitary activity. He has become used to that and it is his "normal". It will take time to reframe that perception and he may resist. I'm not suggesting you drag him kicking and screaming into your camp, but it may feel like that to him at times. Others here have offered ways to go about letting him know how you feel. Trust your heart. Be strong and don't forget you will have to be your own advocate on this until he can join with you in a better understanding of what's going on in your lives together.

Finally, remember I'm a stranger to both of you. I think I'm offering good advice but you and your family will be the ones who have to face the reality of how any of this works. I wish you the best of luck, the strength of love and the benefit of patience as you move forward.

[ClosetED]

It has been over a month and it appears he has not talked more deeply about this, but has ordered more stuff and continues to dress thinking you do not know. I know there have been suggestions about printing out this thread or you crafting a letter- have you tried that? Your husband seems very typical - I stopped for 2 years after wedding - new love is the best way to suppress this. He thought he was cured. Until it returned. You asked the typical questions of someone who does not understand CDing but was wise enough to educate yourself here.
It seems you want to have open communication and he is not. So it depends on what he fears might happen-so I would suggest writing down your thoughts on him and CDing and sharing that. List off the possible concerns and what your stance is on them. E.g.
Are you gay? I have learned the vast majority are not.
Do you want to be a woman? While many have fantasies of being treated by a man as a woman, they do not want to transition.
Do you buy women's clothing? I know you buy them and that does not bother me. What bothers me is that you are hiding this wonderful part of you that makes you happy and you are not letting me share in this chance to make you even happier.
Do you go out in public dressed as a woman? I know you have and the neighbors know. So you let them see you dressed but hide that from the person who loves you the most. That hurts me, not your dressing.
Will I stop you or threaten you to stop? I know it is something deep in you and while you may wish this was not true, you will not stop. So I have accepted this in the person I love and want to make you feel comfortable trusting each other and sharing with me. This will bring us closer - that is what I want to happen - to love the person you are no matter how you choose to display yourself. I know you put on makeup at night and have not interfered. I would guess you wished to keep it on longer. We can work on times to let you do this.

Just some suggested wording. Others here may have other statements to suggest for you to choose or craft that is more accurate.
Hugs, Ellen

[Tina_gm]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I just recently found out a few months ago that my husband is a cross dresser. I didn't find out through him, I found out from a neighbor who had spotted him numerous times walking outside in women's clothing while I was at work. I was more shocked than anything. I confronted my husband about it and he admitted it was true. He can be a very quiet person and he finds it hard to discuss certain things, including his cross dressing. I asked him what makes him want to dress up like a woman, and he just shrugged his shoulders. Ever since I found out, he is not open about it with me, so I have no clue what he is feeling. I want him to be comfortable with talking to me about this. So I guess my question is, what causes a man to want to cross dress? Maybe if I get an answer from someone who is open to discuss, I may get a better understanding. I love my husband very much, and he was scared to tell me out of fear of me leaving him, but I wouldn't do that. I just want to understand is all. Looking forward to reading your responses. Thank you.

So hard to say why he is not open about it to you. Many of us would give our right/left arm to be able to talk freely with our partners about it. As to why He or any of us crossdresses, again, many different reasons, although ultimately it stems from femininity. For some it is only erotic, others not at all, and then others it is both. Since this is likely the cleanest CD forum or major one out there, it tends to draw in more of us who have part or all of our core identity.

Not knowing age, location, occupation and how he was raised (all of which can play a big part in how he feels about himself) the answers of why he is not opening up to you can be more or less endless. Some examples- shamed when very young getting caught. Raised in a strict religious environment. Shamed after opening up to a prior wife or GF. Occupation in a all/mostly male high testosterone field (think construction) The general location being very non trans friendly. I live in such a location. Age related factors, Being that I am 52, and in a non trans friendly location, not much acceptance for it from my peers. A lot of shunning would be done, maybe not from all, but from many, including many women in my area who feel men should be men and nothing else. Lastly, he just may really be very confused about it all.Maybe has a definite masculine side to him and can't figure out why he feels the way he does. It can be very very confusing for us as for anyone else.

[Julogden]

The cause of crossdressing isn't known. He can't tell you why he does it because the urge to crossdress is simply part of him, not some sort of reasoned decision about who to be. He didn't just wake up one day and decide to be a crossdresser any more than he decided to be whatever height he is.

[Cherylgyno]

Soapstar. Like many have said, the reasons are infinite. I have been Cross dressing for more than 50 years. For me personally I began in my mother's clothes when I was 6 year's old. Mom caught me the first time. Her solution was to by clothes that were my size. Every year she bought me new clothes.
My wife caught me about 1 month after we wed many years ago. I was the one with a problem with my cross dressing. My wife sat me down and assured me that she supported my cross dressing.
Make some alone time with your husband. Assure him that there is no way that you would leave him because of the clothes that he wears. You could offer to help with his makeup. May be you could wear sexy lingerie when you have alone time with him.
I hope this helps. Feel free to private message me here on this site.

[Kayliedaskope]

Just to lighten things up a little ...

[docrobbysherry]

Soapstar, I've been married and divorced and I can read the writing on the wall. This is your 1st marriage and at least his second? Unless u 2 can learn to communicate? You'll learn a lot from this marriage and NOT make the same mistakes the next time! My guess is your guy has communication issues that caused his 1st bustup.

Your problems have little or nothing to do with his dressing. And, everything to do with communication breakdown. Find a good marriage counselor and go see him/her by yourself. He/she will guide u into the steps required to get your hubby in and talking. Most likely, just him with her/him at first, then both of u later.

If he refuses to discuss your issues with u and/or a therapist? Whether or not u like it, you're probably done. Sorry!

[Stephanie47]

Soapstar, you mentioned two things; married brief and he has a son. That sounds as if he was married or at least in a relationship prior to you??? If so, what happened? Was cross dressing an issue which led to a divorce or a breakup? That could be the reason he has shut you out. He may be fearful you will reject him. Perhaps, his first relationship went along blissfully and his wife/girlfriend turned on him. Or, there may be some baggage you do not know about. You mentioned secretive telephone calls which is always not a good sign. In order to get him conversing you may have to press the issue otherwise the big elephant in the room is never going to leave.

[Julie Slowinski]

Hi Soapstar,
It looks like you are getting lots of good advice and I also applaud you for being so supportive and seeking additional information on your own.

I'm gonna try a different angle. Let's forget about why (which you see has almost no answer) and focus on what it's like to be a crossdresser. Let me start be saying that this is just my experience and am not saying this is the experience of everyone, though I'm getting the feeling that you're husband may be similar. I should also add that this is not going to be an easy read. It's actually quite embarrassing, which is the reason the topic is not discussed to much on this or any of the other cd sites.

So, I started crossdressing right around the time I started puberty. I had discovered an interest in my mothers shoes and pantyhose right before I learned about masterbation. The point being that my initial experience with sexually was intermingled with crossdressing and the wires in my still developing brain have linked the two ever since. Now here's what it is like as teenager - you find a article of clothing (usually some hose and heels), you get them on and within 5 minutes you have ejaculated. At that point there must be some hormones released, because within an instant you're desire to wear those clothes is gone and you are ripping those things off as fast as you can. But, that's not the end. The urgency to get them off is because the guilt and self loathing has started. Why am I doing this? I'm supposed to be aroused by being WITH a girl, not be BEING the girl!!! It's such a terrible feeling, and if you combine it with all of the regular teenage problems it was just not a fun time of life. However, despite all that guilt a few days later I would be back in my mother's heels to do it all over again - it would just build up until I just had to give in to myself even though I knew the guilt would follow.

Let's fast forward to my 20's. Got my own place. Cobbled together some outfits, a few pairs of shoes (that actually fit my feet) and a basic supply of undergarments. Tried to find books on the subject but with limited success. My biggest breakthrough was to convince myself that everybody masterbated and I just did it in a different way than most. So, that reduced the guilt a bit, but really only enough to be able to go about the other parts of my life with relative normalcy. In fact, I started using the ejaculation to my advantage, cuz I could quickly remove the desire to be dressed up and get on with the other parts of my life. The problem was that I could not control when the desire would come back.

My third phase was from my late 20's until about a year ago. I had come out to my soon to be wife and she was (is) for the most part supportive, which really helped my self esteem. Could dress pretty much when I wanted to, but made sure her husband was around more often than not. About a year into the marriage she asked me to stop the dressing, so I did. Didn't purge, but stopped. About 3 months later she told me that it was okay if I started again, cuz she couldn't take living with angry guy anymore. I had pretty much accepted who I was and that this side of me did not make me a bad person. In fact, it made me a stronger person. If I could overcome all that guilt and shame and still have self confidence, then anything else in life should be easy. Of course, my old friend was still around, but not so much that it interfered with our sex life. Basically, it was used to cap off a weekend of dressing and bring me back to reality and focus on my career. There was still guilt, but it was definitely tempered by the conscious understanding that this is the way to put this side of me away. I should add that I was completely content just dressing in the house and really never thought about going out. It was my private thing and there was no need to make it public.

Okay Soapstar, so this last part may not be of interest to you, but I include it for completeness and if things work out for you, your husband may get to this stage. So my fourth phase actually started about five years ago, when I was living in another city away from my family for about four months for business. Our two kids were young at that time and it was really hard on my wife. Even though she knew what I was doing with my free time, to her credit she never once mentioned it. She really is a saint. Needless to say, I was dressing almost every night and for entire weekends. At some point I realized that if I put off the ejaculating part I could heighten the experience, especially on those long weekends where there was no need to put that side of me away. Toward the end I put a challenge to myself - two week while dressing every night. This meant keeping the feminine side in my head during the week while at work. It was hard to stay focused, but I managed and learned a new skill. Fast forward to December 2016, somehow the idea of going out en femme just pops into my head. By the end of January I had picked the name Julie, brought back the two week challenges and decided that I needed to step up my game. Previously, I didn't care that much what I looked like cuz who was going to see me anyway. So, finally got to the business of making hip pads that really worked, which sent me off on an online and in drab shopping spree - a 45 year olds salary really helped in that regard. This lead to really learning about makeup, especially m2f contouring. I didn't know when I was going to get out, but I knew I needed to be prepared. Finally, in May the stars aligned and a business trip to Seattle created the perfect opportunity. So, I seized it and went out three nights of a four night trip. I was in heaven and wondered why had I waited so long (the answer is simply that I wasn't ready before and that was perfectly fine). When I got back, I figured it would have been better if I was going out with girls I already knew. So, I joined a site similar to cd.com and started making those connections. Have been out a couple of times since and am really enjoying this new phase. The best part is that it has really strengthened my marriage. Seeing the challenges that others have with their SO's combined with the fact that she is okay with me going out has made me appreciate her so much more and since I have shared with her what I learned online she feels so much more appreciated.

Okay let's get back to you Soapstar. It appears that your husband is in the early stages of my second phase - kinda okay with himself but racked with guilt. I suspect his late night visits to the bathroom are what you are thinking by now and not because of the pleasure but because he is trying to get that girl out of his head and just get to sleep. The good news is that he will likely move out of this phase and into more acceptance of himself, but it may take some time - we all have our own time. The better news is that reading about others with the same problems can accelerate the process of self acceptance. So, I think you should encourage (maybe even demand) that he seek counseling or at least join an online support group to help him get to my phase three - a place where he can be content with himself, which is the only way he is going to be emotionally available to you. If you've ever watched Rupauls drag race, you'll know that she closes every episode with: If you can't love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else.

I really hope this helps and please feel free to pm me for any clarifications or follow up questions. As you can see, I'm an open book and am willing to do anything I can to help out such a wonderful person.

💋💋💋 Julie

[ClosetED]

The situations Julie mentioned are common, but I feel the majority of pubertal boys would be horrified by putting on women's clothing and not turned on. And several here started prior to puberty. So I think it may be genetic or earlier experience before we laid down permanent memories (so can't recall them now) that make us enjoy femininity. Julie is new here but seems to be very knowledgeable and self-aware (and very pretty).
Good communication and acceptance are the keys.
Hugs, Ellen

[Dana44]

Communication is the best ting between couples.. I would take it more slow and instead of asking him why. Try being closer to him and show him some things or go shopping with him. I have a different style than my SO but she does better at picking things out for me in the right colors for example.

[Kayliedaskope]

After all that Julie wrote, there's not a lot left to add. Then again, that is from one CD'er's own personal journey, and there are so many more of us out here making journeys of our own at different times, speeds, and different ways. Everyone has a story to tell - each one of us is the author of our story. Some are sad, some have a "happy ending", but all deal with the confusion/fears/shame/guilt/whatever that comes from each individual experience of being a cross dresser. Whether we do it for the sexual thrill, or because we are transitioning, or (like some of us) couldn't pass in a pitch-black room with seriously inebriated people and just like to wear the clothing, we all have been somewhere along the line. There's no right or wrong way to dress, whether going all out to be femme or simply wearing something pretty under your everyday drab - you do what feels right for you, and where your comfort zone is.

[Julie Slowinski]

Julie is new here but seems to be very knowledgeable and self-aware (and very pretty).

Thank you Ellen ... especially for the pretty part. 💋💋💋

[Kayliedaskope]

Well, you are very pretty, Julie.

[Soapstar411]

Stephanie47,

He was married before, so this is his 2nd marriage. The day I found out about his crossdressing, one of the questions I asked is if his ex wife knew and he said no, so that is not one of the reasons they split. It's not actually secretive calls, but it's more so just looking at his phone and putting it down whenever I come right next to him. It's like he doesn't want me to see what he's doing on his phone and it bothers me. In a way I feel like he's uncomfortable around me and I don't want it to be like this. I plan on sitting down and having a talk with him tonight about ways we can overcome any fears he may be facing and to just be open and honest with me. Lack of communication is something that can severely hurt a marriage, and I'm afraid our marriage will be damaged if he does not start communicating to me. I love him very much, but I want to start seeing changes. I'm hoping it will begin soon.

[ClosetED]

I would suggest having something in writing prepared. Emotions will run wild with "the talk' and some important points might be missed that you wanted to assure him on.

Good luck and thank you for wanting to understand us
Hugs, Ellen

[Soapstar411]

Thank you for the best wishes!

I did have another question though, and I know everyone is different so it may be hard to answer. Is it normal for a crossdresser to spend a hefty amount of money on clothing and makeup? The only reason why I ask is because I've been noticing package after package coming in the mail, and I know a lot of it is from Victoria's Secret, and that place is expensive, I can't even afford to shop there much. And he has never been the type (that I knew of) to spend a lot of money on clothes, food or anything. But he is obviously spending a lot of money on clothing. I have been curious about this for quite some time now.

[ClosetED]

Since you are aware of his CDing, he may feel years of pent up desire bursting and he is in "pink fog" - thinking only of this and not the consequences. A normal person spends a considered amount on their "hobby" - a man who wants a boat will spend lots of money on it, and the trailer, and dock fees. Same with golfer. Season ticket holders. But you don't make others lack because of it.
I can afford a lot but often buy inexpensive as they don't get much use. I have paid more for good wigs. I have just one pair of VS bra/panty that wife was with me and told me to pick a set but to deal with SA by myself.
When you have the talk tonight, you can joke (if appropriate), "I hope some of that VS was for me as well so we can both be sexy together"
Hugs, Ellen

[IleneD]

You ask what makes a man crossdress.
The answer is so simple, I wish I'd considered the simple wisdom of it before my wife.
Think: Men who want to be women. It's that simple. We are men who wish to be women; nothing more complicated than that. It speaks for itself and is true in every case of crossdressing I can think of.

Now... the reasons we wish to be women, or women part time, or enjoy parts of being a woman; or being a full time woman or a woman in our minds...... that varies as well as the influences and motivations learned over a life time.
But find out why your man (with no shame) wants to share in the glory of womanhood and why he wants to BE a woman, and you will solve your mystery.
It's a beautiful thing, though.

[ellbee]

Is it normal for a crossdresser to spend a hefty amount of money on clothing and makeup?

...

...he has never been the type (that I knew of) to spend a lot of money on clothes, food or anything. But he is obviously spending a lot of money on clothing.

Throughout my life I've often tended to be pretty frugal/cheap/a tightwad. Though there are certain things at certain times where I will just go hog-wild with my wallet... And CD'ing can definitely be one of them!

I don't tend to spend a lot on male clothing, either.


But these days, I am *obsessed* with leggings/yoga pants/running tights. Like, I literally want to buy *all* of them -- and wear them all day, every day, 8 days a week (yes, eight ).

Seriously, I must be like in at least the top 5% of 1st-world women when it comes to the number & total cost of pairs of leggings in my "collection"... and I ain't even a GG! On some levels, it is kind of ridiculous.


But you know, it's fine. Nothing wrong with having some interests & passions in life, and spending some time & money on whatever they may be (as long as it's not overall financially hurting the person & those who they may take care of).

Have some fun & live a little!

(Oh, and I hope your SO splurges a bit on *you* at VS, sometimes! If not, bad CD'er... BAD! )

[faltenrock]

Thank you for the best wishes!

I did have another question though, and I know everyone is different so it may be hard to answer. Is it normal for a crossdresser to spend a hefty amount of money on clothing and makeup? The only reason why I ask is because I've been noticing package after package coming in the mail, and I know a lot of it is from Victoria's Secret, and that place is expensive, I can't even afford to shop there much. And he has never been the type (that I knew of) to spend a lot of money on clothes, food or anything. But he is obviously spending a lot of money on clothing. I have been curious about this for quite some time now.

Dear soapstar, yes, we CD do buy a lot of clothes.
As a guy, I wear mostly blue jeans, Timberlands and shirt, leather and other jackets. Today I own a lot more female clothes than mens clothes.
My closet is packed with 20+ dresses, 30 skirts, 10 or more jackets, 20 + top and blouses, many hoses and other underwear, and perhaps 10 pairs of heels. I think for most of us this is normal.
We just like female clothes and can't get enough of it. I'm still buying and sometimes sell a few pieces on classifieds.
Actually, I try not to buy very expensive pieces, mostly it's on sale or I buy some used dresses and skirts online.
Over the many years od collecting items and dressing, I've probably still paid a fortune.

If you have any more questions please ask.
Doreen