another one bites the dust

[desertrider]

I haven't logged on in a while. I remember Isha a couple of years ago and the heart they put into their posts. Then they disappeared for a while, transitioned, and that felt like that as they say. Here I am joining the demographic...

So much less conflict in my life as a woman. People think they get "it" now, they get "me". It's a lot more nuanced with my female spouse, of course, but even for her, this is way more comfortable. She can just be like, 'oh, yeah, they're trans', where before, it was like, 'um, they're queer, I guess, god, just look what they are wearing together, and that jewelry, wtf?!' Which mainly speaks I guess to it's easier to be a gay (I'm bi but the bi gets erased) transwoman than any non-binary queer person at this point in our society. Especially if you don't mind dressing 'parentally' for soccer meets and band practices...I save the blue wig for going dancing with friends...

(I will say she does get pissed [both at society and me] though when people constantly ask us if we want separate checks - like we don't act like those kids belong to both of us, or we're really the first lesbian couple you've ever seen with the audacity to show ourselves in public? Seriously?)

So, things have mostly been too easy of late: ~but~ I was just reading some blog and the level of vitriol a number of "cis" wives were pouring into the comments brought me back here today. (Call it luck or whatever, mine loved me before, she loves me now. It took me a long time for us to trust that though. Much therapy.) But wow, the online crowd. I can get that you can lose the spark if someone's not attractive to you anymore. I get that a lot of husbands are a-holes, CD or not. I don't get the instant feelings of betrayal, I'm not wired that way. Like, people figure themselves out as they grow in lots of different ways. And, a great many changes are not compatible with their current marriage, but few seem to engender such feelings of raw hatred, discussions of mental illness, and comparisons to alcoholism as I saw in that comments section today.

So if there's a point to my rambling, maybe it's this:

(1) wtf is so 'wrong' to so many people about this? Is it gay panic? Is it because the wife has to come out over and over and over (just like us) and has fury about 'deserving' to have a 'normal' hetero-priveledged life back? (Yeah, that sucks, but welcome to every LGBTQIA person's everyday. Got any ideas yet about that #BLM stuff and some parts of where they coming from about privilege? hmmm?) ...Still, clearly everyone 'knows' it's wrong, in a way race clearly is not, hence all the CDs not disclosing it to their partners and having relationship explosions. (I erred more on the side of, sorry, this is where I'm at, we better figure it out or split up, fwiw.)..but maybe that's a big piece: race is not a choice. (gender isn't either), but wearing clothes that 'match' or don't match your gender ~is~ a choice, and choices can be 'wrong'. God, I wish everyone could get around to at least thinking of it as a percentage, or anything less rigid. If you're 60/40, instead of male, suddenly that 'choice' isn't so threatening or weird.

And (2) damn, I've always been a blue-hair kinda person. I never felt like I had a place in society (although growing up I thought it was cause I was fat, joke's on me) I'm sorta really mad that it's ~way~ easier to be a brunette woman with small boobs and a five-o'clock shadow than a blue anything with ambigious chest features and a cute goatee...

Hugs,
Summer

[Pat]

I remember Isha -- she was a beacon for me, exposing me to ideas and options that I didn't even know were possible answers to the riddle of myself. She changed her forum name to Marcelle and still shows up from time-to-time though she seems to need the energy she used to give to us for herself now. Still she was a role model to me and I'll never forget it. I gather it was the same for you.

I can't answer the questions of why it's so hard both for us and for society. I can only acknowledge your words and agree. I hope that our efforts in this period of history will make it possible for it to be easier for our children's children in a future that we'll probably never see. In the mean time:
be excellent.jpg

[Sarah Doepner]

My guess is, and everyone is entitled to disagree should they want, those of us who are not part of the "Great Binary" are just a little too complicated for society in general. As our heads fill with lots and lots and lots of facts and opinions and preferences and needs and wants, we begin to gravitate toward simplicity. This thing or that becomes expedient and acceptable; White or black, Male or Female, Gay or Straight, Ford or Chevy and so on and on. When we begin facing choices about things or situations we are not inherently interested in, or party to, variety becomes a bane not a benefit. Those of us born male with an often-hidden feminine gender identity, but don't find men as attractive potential partners in bed offer way too many options to Joe or Jane Cis-gender. This is often aggravated by political or religious convictions that have become more and more polarized over the last couple of decades.

What do we do about it? Probably what we've been doing all along. Slowly, patiently, even quietly find ways to move from the margins toward the middle of society. Infiltrate in every way manageable. We've never been in the mainstream of Western society. When our kind have shown up there it's traditionally been a misrepresentation with a tendency toward sexual violence or feckless humor. In the meantime, Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transsexual folks have been able to migrate slowly to where they are now seen as part of a broader society. While they are not always respected, they have claimed a spot in the landscape. Transfolks who are not transitioning, but only visiting are still seen as alien, different and difficult to understand. Until there is a wider understanding of the difference between gender identity and sexual preference and acceptance that variation may be unusual but are normal, we will still face situations where we hide from our spouses and seem unacceptable to strangers.

[Alice Torn]

Well said Sarah Charles.

[LaurenS]

...though she seems to need the energy she used to give to us for herself now.

What a wonderful line. It's not always selfishness. I find myself feeling like that a lot lately, and it makes me sad that I don't show the love and patience I did just a year ago, but I understand now that sometimes that energy has to be focused on one's self.

Thanks

[Teresa]

Summer,
I remember Marcelle ( Isha ) she came back for a few threads and then left again. She was very inspirational, many times we would agree the only difference between us was the acceptance level of our wives .

She is looking forward to a quiet life with her wife and I'm taking up your quote and calling it a day on my marriage.

As for the argument about betrayal , that goes both ways , I wish my wife had been totally open and honest with me about some of her issues . It can be a very one sided marriage if we are allowed to be made to feel guilty about something we have very little control of. Many of us have found it pretty tough coming to terms with CDing , social pressures are a heavy burden on a man, at times it's like a straight jacket we're forced to wear ! A man does this and dresses this way as decreed by our family and society, why would he want to dress as a woman ? Women do not have that social pressure . Thank goodness the situation is improving, but we do have to work at it to make it even better, we have to be out waving the flag telling them we aren't weirdos and showing them we are an acceptable sector of society , just as Marcelle has done .

[desertrider]

Oh, that's right...Sorry if I deadnamed you hon! Summer