Tell the Truth?

[Lisa Roberts]

Hi girls, this is a super long story but I will make it as short as possible. I have been seeing a therapist for several years regarding my "gender dysphoria". My wife is been on board as long as I keep everything in the house. But as we all know, there is the urge to be in public cross-dressed. Now, I am a MIAD and could never pass but I am very comfortable being out En Femme. This past weekend I had the opportunity to be 1000 miles away from home in a city where no one knows me! What an opportunity for a cross dresser. So I did my research and found a transgender friendly area and spend the evening dressed to the nine's and absolutely feeling as free as a bird. So after arriving home, I recapped my weekend to my wife and I thought I was doing the right thing and told her about my outing. (As a sidenote, my therapist thought it was a good idea for me to do that especially if I was out of town). Unfortunately it didn't go over very well. So much for being transparent and honest! Apparently I missed the conversation where she said it is not OK to be dressed out anywhere. Now I feel like I've taken a five year step backwards in progress. I am exceptionally comfortable with who I am, but after 37 years together, my wife says she no longer knows who I am and how far I will push this. Sorry for being so long-winded, but you girls have been a great support for me over the last several years and I welcome any comments or suggestions.
Lace, Smiles and Harmony!
Lisa

[alwayshave]

Lisa, there are lies of omission and commission. This is one of those cases where neglecting to tell her would have benefitted both of you. I'm not saying that if directly asked you should lie, but having time to be you is not wrong and neglecting to tell her would have had you remembering your weekend fondly.

[T Gram]

First off...it's good you were honest with your wife. Second I'm glad you had a great trip and fun being "out" in public and felt good . Recently me and my SO who also is a CD went on a trip out of town and were completely comfortable with her being "out" . We didn't have to worry about possibly running into someone we know. Keep talking to your wife, communication is the key. She needs to understand it's kinda scary " I speak from experience "

[Teresa]

Lisa,
This is a tough one. We are in a no win situation, our partners don't want to know or see it and they don't want the thought of others knowing.

Don't blame the therapist , they know it's usually the eventual outcome, you need to be out to live it to fully come to terms with it . Maybe now is the time to ask how she feels about the safety of social group, I never thought my wife would accept that, she mostly think I have a great deal of courage top do it. OK it has lead to us separating because once a month isn't enough to satisfy my inner needs .

Sorry it feels like a big step back when you did finally find the courage to do it, the fact you are seeing a therapist must prove to your wife that your needs go deeper than she thinks .

[Tracy Irving]

If you told your wife EVERYTHING it would take too long and get boring really fast. Every day we pick and choose what our significant other needs to know, wants to know and should know.

[Krisi]

She didn't notice you packing all your "girl" stuff?

Hind sight is 20/20 of course, but you should have discussed this with her before you left.

[NicoleScott]

Most wives, regardless of their level of acceptance, don't want to be embarrassed by a crossdressing husband, so a "don't go out dressed" stance is a way to get that. And it's reasonable, especially for crossdressers who can't or don't pass or blend. My wife and I have an unspoken agreement that I don't go out in our home town.
Because of school and work commitments by other family members, I was able, for three straight years, to vacation alone at an already-paid-for time-share 700 miles from home. My wife knew I took my crossdressing things and was OK with my dressing up there. I went out, had no negative issues, had a fun time, behaved myself, and posed no chance of embarrassing her. I kept it to myself without guilt. I didn't embarrass her - that was the deal, or at least the intent of the deal.
I suppose I could have engaged her in a discussion about going out 700 miles from home, and whether or not forbidding it is reasonable, but I chose not to, and life went on without incident.

[Sara Jessica]

You know that the saying "sometimes it's better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" doesn't apply here.

You had a plan. You went through with the plan. You told her afterwards. Are you amazed as to why she is ticked off? Didn't that cross your mind as the plan was coming together???

[Stacy Darling]

Missing some things, telling the truth!
When can you really get it right! At least you are trying!
Stick with the truth Lisa!

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Lisa,

I can't speak for your wife but embarrassment factor aside, one of my wife's concerns with regards to my going out dressed is for my safety. Perhaps some of your wife's reaction was due to a similar concern?

Elizabeth

[Jaylyn]

I think that honesty is the best in all situations and then let the chips lay as they land. Maybe you should have told her that you plan on dressing and going out. One false move or caught in deception makes the future harder to handle. I've found that lies can build till one can't remember the truth. I kinda learned this in high school and staying out past curfew then having to sneak back in the house. When your caught it gets you in deeper poop by lying about the matter.
My advice is to always try and be honest with your wife. They seem to respect a good heart to heart talk but we gotta remember that most of the wives married a man they loved and now that we are changing its hard for them to understand our needs that have changed. A good heart to heart can go a long ways but remember we also have to accept the results and respect their feelings in the matter we discuss.

[Sheila11]

Well...... now you know one of your wife's boundary lines.

Don't tell her the next time you cross it.

[Micki_Finn]

It's possible that she was more upset that you just took a step, then told her without discussing it with her first. I can imagine the kind of paranoia that would cause. Every time you leave town now she has to worry that you're going to come back with boobs, or hormones, or a boyfriend. I'm willing to bet there would have been much less drama had you discussed it with her BEFORE you took that step.

[Lisa Roberts]

Kristi, that was the first shot in our discussion. But I did know deep in my heart that she would have not been very happy about that. So I get shot down for being honest and truthful. I guess that's Murphy's Law!

[Tina_gm]

I think the answer as to why things went south when you told the truth lies in the beginning of your post when you state that your wife is on board so long as things stay in the house. And then they didn't stay in the house.... She wasn't expecting that. It is not the truth which is causing any issues here but of a change you made by bringing it out of the house and without her knowledge of it beforehand. But that you knew you were and never discussed it with her prior. So in a sense, you are at least in her eyes probably hiding behind the truth, but while still being sneaky about doing something that was already known to be not part of the arrangement.

The truth of course is always the better option, but in all honesty if you thought it was no big deal about dressing outside of the house you would have told her beforehand. You didn't because you were expecting the issue to go south and her not liking it, so you didn't tell her you were going to do it, then confessed to it later on. It still borders on a somewhat shady move on your part. It's not the going out part that is shady, just how you went about doing it.

[GracieRose]

I suspect that your wife wants it kept in the house so that you are not recognized by anyone that you (or she) knows. 1000 miles away certainly reduces the opportunity to be recognized, but it is still greater than zero. Perhaps she fears that once you've had a taste of success, you will do it again, closer to home.
One time we were at a hotel 1500 miles away from home, on vacation, not travelling with anyone we knew. I tried to convince my wife to let me dress up to go out on the hotel patio with her for a glass of wine. She was against the idea for fear of someone we know showing up and recognizing her and figuring out me by association. i explained that teh probability was almost zero of running into someone that knew us. We went out for the wine in drab, and sure enough, when we were walking back to the room, we ran across someone that works at a local store and recognized us. We did not recognize her. This makes my case harder to argue.
Nonetheless, the truth is always the best thing. Maybe more painful, but still the best.

[Lisa Roberts]

Gendermutt.... ouch! Well said and brutally honest. Those were her thoughts exactly. Being a cross dresser is extremely difficult and tormenting yet sometimes delightful and life-giving. Trying to find the balance is something I don't know I will ever find. The tension between my mind and body sometimes is absolutely overwhelming. I'm a very strong person but it is easy to understand the suicide rate for people like us. I just have to hold on to see what's coming next. Oh God I hurt so bad.
Tears of pain and torment,
Lisa

[Cherylgyno]

Gender mutt said it best.

[Teresa]

I do find some of replies very sad, the way marriage is described by some it's something being endured rather like a prison sentence rather than an enjoyable way of life.

Why should our wives/partners have the last word in every action and thought we have, we aren't children and yet some talk as if they still are and telling lies behind their parent's backs . As Lisa comments , no wonder the suicide rate is so high in the TG/TS group, I should know I nearly went down that road because of my wife's acceptance level.

Where is the so called love between partners , most of us don't dress for amusement it's part of our being, something most of us are born with . As I repeatedly say the honesty issue works both ways, and yet we are always the guilty party , we really are expected to wear a male straight jacket, and not deviate from our role . If most of us if we are allowed to express our female side it releases so much of a hidden side , in my case I feel a better side and kinder even tempered person. Traveling hundreds of miles away to attempt to reveal that other side is so wrong , and controlling .

I'm sure most women don't expect the results Mikki Finn suggest , I admit I had to repeat several time that I wasn't gay before my wife got the message.

Telling the truth is hard if our wives/partners don't want to listen , sometimes we are left no choice if we wish to express our female side .

Can we all honestly say our wives are 100% open and honest with us ?

[AllieSF]

I am on the border between partly your fault and partly hers. Ask her what she would have said (basically, yes or no) if you would have discussed it with her before. If it would have been NO and you suffer from some type of gender dysphoria (CD related), how would you have felt with the NO this time and the probable frustration further down the road knowing that she put you in a home bound cage?

I see it here all the time where the spouse says NO and the CDer puts it all away to suffer. If you can live long term with that spousal control over an important part of your life (Is it an important part of you?) then have at it and please do not lament your situation later. We hear that sad story all the time. As many say here, DADT comes in many shapes and forms. One actually follows those bold letters, where the CDer can live their life but not show nor talk about it with their spouse, maybe with some limitations regarding how close to home is too close. I think many here could live with that if it is a reasonable and mutual (as best as that can be arrived at) negotiation and decision. However, 1,000 miles from home should not be off limits. That is ceding way too much control over your life to your spouse. That to me is a strong signal to call a time out and have some very serious discussions with the spouse getting everything honestly and openly on the table and even enlisting the support from a professional third party like a therapist to reach some type of workable situation for both.

However, one day the CDer truly needs to stand up for him or herself and say, "Wait, what about my sanity?". It does not always have to be the other party's restrictive way. This incident is just one moment in your life and probably could have been handled differently. We all make mistakes and I will not be one to bash you for being human. However, I like to look at the bigger picture instead of looking at only a limited number of pixels. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that your post with all of its replies and suggestions helps you help yourself and your spouse to move forward.

[Lisa Roberts]

To all:
So many thanks for the varied and eye opening replies. There is so much wisdom to be shared among us. I don't know where I'd turn to without y'all. It's going to be a weepy few days and I'll pull up my big girl's and get on with life. I didn't ask for this life....not sure if I would change it if I could.
Lace and Tears,
Lisa

[Sometimes Steffi]

Sorry for your problem with your wife.

There are many people here totally into the "whole truth and nothing but the truth"

My mantra is "If it happened in Vegas, it stays in Vega."

Or, "i a tree falls in the woods when no one is around, did it make any noise?"

I try to tell nothing but the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth.

For example, I used to go out once in a while and meet up with a bunch or gurls.

I told my wife that I was going out drinking with the guys. It was technically true. she told me afterwards that she never believed me, but didn't stop me from going out.

No I tell here that I'm going to a crossdressing event, tell her when I'm leaving and when I expect to return.

I leave in boy mode and return in boy mode, and carry a duffle bag to the car. she doesn't ask where I change, where I'm going or who I'm with, and I don't tell her. DADT

That being said, there's not a single answer that works with everyone all the time.

[Karen's Secret]

Consider this... You suffer from heart issues and your doctor prescribes a daily blood pressure medicine and a daily aspirin, but your wife doesn't believe in taking any medicines because it's not natural (maybe how she feels about crossdressing). Would you stop taking the medication or would you find a way to take your daily pills and just keep her in the dark about it? Perhaps dressing is your medicine that you need to take from time to time for the benefit of your physical and mental health.

[Stephanie47]

With hindsight I guess you should have discussed "going out" with your wife. When I was on the road for my job I did take a feminine wardrobe. I did stay at a Marriott Residency for a week. I did doll up in the evening. I did not go out. Probably for the reasons an accepting but not participating wife would have. Yes, maybe she has concerns of safety, which really means she is fearful of her husband finding his way to an emergency room all dolled up. The husband could be a victim of foul play or just run down as a pedestrian or an auto accident. Yikes! Total embarrassment. Cross dressing husband run down shown on the nightly news!

Would your wife have agreed to taking your feminine clothing on the road? Dolling up in the privacy of your hotel room? Would the hotel housekeeper seen it? You die in your sleep all dolled up?

I ascribe to the belief that much of this resistance by wives is the belief society will look at her and say "What's wrong with her? Why does she stay with a man who wears women's clothing? There has to be something wrong with her!" Basically, if you stroke out and die at home, she has the opportunity to remove your clothes and makeup before she calls the coroner.

[TheHiddenMe]

Last October when my wife was out of town I took advantage and did girl things locally. I was driving home and she asked me what I was doing and I was honest, and told her I went out dressed. She was not happy.

Her exact words were "lie to me". So I do. I get out when I can, have cover stories to explain being out of the house, and often bring a change of clothes where I leave the house dressed and come back in drab.

I know honesty is theoretically the best approach, but it doesn't work in my circumstances. It may not work best in yours.