I feel like there's so much that's already been said on this thread, I probably don't have much new to add, but I'll offer this: therapy is a wonderful thing.
To backup, I came on the forum tonight because I felt the need to write something. I'm on a work trip, and I brought some things so I could dress up while I'm back in my room at night. I love dressing so much, but my struggle now is I get all dressed up and feeling like I'm looking pretty good, and don't know what to do with myself. I don't dare go out, so I stand here, way overdressed, looking in the mirror and feeling happy and frustrated all at the same time.
But I thought I'd respond here because the guilt is something I've struggled with ever since I first ventured into mom's closet when I was thirteen. Afterwards, I was mortified by the fact that for as long as I lived, I knew that I had tried on women's clothes. It seemed like an unforgivable sin, and it colored everything in my life. As an adult, I started dressing up on Halloween, and one year, I went all out. It was my second time dressing for the holiday, and I wanted to do everything I didn't do the first time - shaving, really high heels, full make-up, the whole nine yards. I worked on it for weeks and had an absolute blast at the party, and received many compliments on how amazing the costume was. The next day, I completely crashed. My wife doesn't know (though how she can't possibly suspect is beyond me...), and I became overwhelmed with terror that I had "gone too far." It was the closest I've ever came to a full-on panic attack. But as per usual, within two weeks, I was back at it.
Over the past several years, I started buying more of my own clothes, and bringing things with me on trips, etc. but there would still be spells of depression and anxiety. Like you, I wanted to look like a woman, maybe not all the time, but certainly more often, and without the pressure and guilt of hiding it. The cycle of ups and downs was killing me, so about a year ago, I asked my doctor for a referral for therapy. It was the best decision I ever made in my life (I started another thread about it somewhere...check my profile). What I learned was that my anxiety was permeating all aspects of my life, and that crossdressing was just a further complication, but not the sole reason. Therapy has helped me feel less stressed about work, relate to my wife better, enjoy making music more, and just feel more confident in general. Having someone to talk openly with about crossdressing is immensely helpful as well. I don't know that you necessarily need a therapist that specializes in gender; mine doesn't. However, any therapist that takes the attitude that there's something wrong with you, or tries to convince you that you shouldn't be doing something that for you is obviously so right, run away!
Seriously, it will take the pressure off your wife being the only one who's able to listen to you. Before therapy, I was convinced I needed drugs to regulate my emotions. I've since learned that it's mostly about the way I've learned to interact with world (parental issues, no need to go into that detail here), and that even my difficulty in being able to tell my wife is rooted in much deeper issues that have little do with crossdressing itself. We're working through that I'm confident that with time, I'll be able to have the kind of openness with her we both deserve. You are so lucky to have an understanding wife, that puts you leagues ahead of so many of us here, but do a favor for you both and find someone to talk to. Trust me, you won't regret it, and you'll learn so much about yourself. If you have any other questions, please feel free to PM me.
In the meantime, I'll continue to sit here in my hotel room, looking pretty and bored!
