Every couple of months, I start thinking to myself, "I'm getting too old for this." These days, even as I practice my makeup skills and refine my fashion sense, my stubble grows faster, my face looks more mature, my skin gets rougher - I can't fight the sands of time.
One place where I've been particularly unsure of myself is my voice, which I've been practicing on and off for years. When I first started dressing, I'd run away from salespeople in shops, in case I might have to respond to the terrifying question, "Can I help you find anything?" Since then, I've read lots of articles online and watched dozens of videos about voice feminization, but I always worry I sound like Minnie Mouse or a man pretending to be a woman.
I've started practicing by making unimportant calls and answering unknown telephone numbers in my feminine voice. Sometimes that works out awkwardly.
Me (answering the phone femininely): Hello?
Friend: Uhh, hi, uh, Bob?
Me (quickly masculine): Oh, hi Carl! How's it going?
Friend: Huh, your voice sounded all weird there for a minute
Me: Must be a bad connection
Other times, it's disappointing, like when the local theatre called, trying to get me to buy a subscription (I'd bought a single ticket before in my female name).
Me (hopefully femininely): Hello?
Salesperson: Hi, may I speak with ... AN-dre-a?
Me (still femininely): Speaking.
Salesperson: Oh, hello an-DRE-a (as in Andrea Bocelli, a famous male tenor singer), I'm calling from the theatre to tell you about the exciting season ahead of us!
Me (internally): Dang.
Many times, I can't tell how it's going, since the person on the other end avoids using "ma'am" or "sir" altogether. A couple of times, I’ve felt like they were holding back a giggle for the whole conversation.
But today, when I called to book a utilities appointment for me and my wife, everything turned up roses:
Agent: Hello, Utilities Company, Karen speaking. How may I help you?
Me: Hello, I'd like to book an appointment.
Agent: Sure, can I have the name on the account?
Me: Bob and Alice Smith (Pretty ambiguous which one’s me, right?)
(Here, we speak for a few minutes about various trivialities related to the booking)
Agent: Okay, we've got you booked for October 25 at 3PM, for Bob and Alice Smith
Me: Sounds great.
Agent: Excellent. Thank you for calling, Alice. Bye!
Maybe I still have a future in this.