Advice would be helpful

[ShaunaTossaint]

Hello Everyone, I’m Shauna and just joined the site.
I have been married for 22 years and my wife knows. I slowly came out to her very slowly with simple things like wearing panties and thongs about 18 years ago. She actually liked how I looked and wearing panties became the norm for me. Then soon all I owned and wore were panties to the point that hers and mine were all mixed up. Then I slowly started to express myself more in my dressing, like wearing tights, really short shorts and long tight vests that I wore like a tube dress. We were all alone with no kids so I was able to wear all sorts of stuff at home. Then I got my first pair of heels, bras and slowly added more and more items of lingerie and other items over the years. It was a dream come true for me as I was always into feminine dressing since I was a teenager. The rest is history as they say.
While she is tolerating, she is not 100% supportive and or encouraging. At some point she did question my sexuality asking the usual question if I was gay. The internet helped her to realize more about the crossdressing lifestyle and that I was not crazy or alone, and the dressing spiced up our sex life. I’m not interested in living fulltime or transitioning, its too late for that now, but if I was 18 again in todays world, I probably would.
My wife does know that I’m itching to go out fully dressed for the first time and meet others socializing and more and I think she will support me if and when the first opportunity presents itself and she is in the mood.

The task I have at hand is to get her to that point of view of accepting that I want to dress more and go out. She does not know that I have an online life as Shauna.
Any suggestions?

[Minnietheminx]

Hi Shauna
I would discuss with her what you are wanting as she knows you dress already anyway. She may suggest you go and socialise but you said in your post `and more` so i dont understand what the more bit represents in terms of what you want on top of the socialising. You also say you think she will support you when and if she is in the mood so are you expecting for her to go out and socialise with you as Shauna? As you have put that she knows but not that accepting i wouldnt push that part yet if that is what you mean, but maybe just tell her that you wish to go and meet other people that dress and see the response first and if she is all for you doing it and it is that you want her to go along maybe just say it would be lovely for you to come but i dont want you to feel uncomfortable with it so understand if you dont want to. Communication really is the only suggestion i have as how else can you get her to that point of accepting? I wouldnt push her too much on the subject but briefly mention it and see the reaction then leave it be for a while see how things go. xxxx

[Shelly Preston]

Shauna

The difficult thing is not pushing the limits too quickly. You would not want to undo the progress you have made so far.
Communication is always the key.

On the decision to go out, try and find a support group that you can attend. Its less of shock if its a planned event as you would be meeting others with a similar outlook.

[Helen_Highwater]

Shauna,

The way I looked at going out as someone in the closet was whatever it took I had to find the means to do it as I didn't want to get to the end of my days and look back and wish "If only...".

Is it possible you could explain it to her as something you want to do just to have had the experience. To know what it's like. I agree that finding a social group to attend is the best way forward.

[kimdl93]

Be very patient!

[Krisi]

If her fear is that you will be recognized, that's a legitimate fear. Perhaps you could go to another town or better yet a large city and do your dressing there.

[Alberta_Pat]

Shauna;

As said before, communication is paramount.

Do some research regarding groups in your area. Examine their websites, and discuss them with your Bride.

When the time comes for you to step into the great big world, ask her to join you for your support. This will help re-enforce that you are a team with common goals, specifically your mutual happiness.

If your Wife feels excluded, then she will likely feel resentment.

Take it slow, and find the common ground where you can both feel at ease.

[Teresa]

Shauna,
I agree the best thing you can do now is get an acceptable look together and go out socially, it's the best thing I did. The clothing need will balance itself out , sorting and choosing outfits will have some meaning .

We don't know your age when you say it's too late to make drastic changes, the point is never say never and don't make promises to your wife you can't keep. You must keep an open mind on where it takes you otherwise you will end up in mental torment , be honest with yourself first and it will be easier to be honest with other people . The problem I had was other people that is my wife didn't want to hear it but it didn't stop me moving on .

[April Rose]

I think Shelly's idea of the support group would be the least stressful for both you and your wife. I think she will be more likely to accept if she knows you're going to something organized and safe, and not putting yourself at risk. It is the safest and fastest way to meet like minded individuals as well. Look online, or contact a local LGBTQ organization for groups in your area.

[Allsteamedup]

It would be more realistic to take a hard look at why your wife has concerns about you leaving the house.

The first is safety. You have to be able to go somewhere safe, and trusting to luck is not good enough. For this reason a local support group is a good first port of call.

Secondly, your wife will want to know what sort of social interaction you want and with whom. If you want to try a gay bar she has a right to be anxious.

Thirdly, you will meet people you know. Will you have a strategy for dealing with this? Would it bother you if they were neighbours or work colleagues?

Your wife may not want to join in with this, so she needs that option.

[char GG]

Just a couple things stand out to me:

You say that if you were 18 again, you would probably transition. As a wife, I would wonder how serious you are about that statement.

Also, you say you have an "online life" as Shauna. I am assuming that since there are only 3 posts on THIS website, you have other sites that you are on. What kind of sites? What kind of posts? Fetish sites? Dating sites? Clothing sites? Are you keeping secrets that your wife would disapprove of? This site is fairly tame and I can't see her having a problem with this one.

I agree with what AllSteamedUp said. There are many unanswered questions.

Since your wife knows and "tolerates", it is up to you to educate her as to what your feelings are. The internet only gives a generic description of CDers. Only you can fill her in on how you feel and why you want to go out. Give her the chance to let you know what feedback she has.

[Rica]

No disrespect intended, but if I was the misses, I would want to know why you want to "go out". Who do you want to "see" you? Just curious.

[ShaunaTossaint]

Thank you all so much for all the advice. I know you all have many questions, and as its so much to say I don’t know where to start to put it all in some sort of order that makes sense.
I agree that good open communication between my wife and I is key to this all working out. We have a great relationship and I’m not afraid to talk with her. I just don’t want to disappoint her. She has allowed me on our last two vacations alone to go very far in dressing and her enjoying me as another girl. We live in a very small town so all this has to be done very far away from home. I’m 48yo and feel I’m running out of time to experience being in public as a woman for the first time.
Thank you all again for responding.

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Char, My wife knows I’m not in anyway can want to live as a woman full time or start any type of transition process. It’s too late for that in terms of family, career and age. Thats why I said if I was 18yo again in todays world, I probably would have taken a different route to life. I think many of us would say that. I am a member of other websites where a share pictures and fantasies about the usual stuff we girls think about and want to do. She does not know about that as I know she would worry about me being found out in our small community. I dont think she would disapprove, just worry. I am slowly educating her so she will have a better understanding as to why i feel this way about wanting to dress and look like a woman.