Yesterday I had an appointment for a haircut at a Dillard's salon I've been going to for several months. The hair salon used to be my thing in a big way. Now with short hair that I still hate and am still not used to, all that is gone. I obviously can't do the whole female thing at the salon anymore since I require a wig for that, but I still try to make it as pleasant as I can. I wore leggings, a long lightweight hoodie, Anne Klein flats, and carried a clutch. It was an outfit that flew totally under the radar, as it was intended. Absolutely nobody paid a bit of attention to me, which was also intended.
Thing is, it felt odd. I've been out a million times, full girl and not. This should be very familiar ground. Yesterday it was just different. It was like walking mindlessly down a familiar street and going a block too far and not realizing where you are. That male face in the salon mirror looking back at me is quite disconcerting, given what I used to see in a salon mirror. But it's not just that. I had one of those "What the hell am I doing?" moments. I've had a few of those lately. I've had some relationship issues lately that probably magnify those feelings, but I don't think it's just that. I also realize that often these feelings are fleeting, and I may be just living for being full-on fem this weekend.
It does make me seriously consider, though, if the time is coming for me to put it all away for good. Maybe I've aged out. Maybe I've reached a point of saturation. Maybe whatever this strange force is that has driven me so headlong into living my life as nearly to that of a woman as a non-transitioner can conceive is finally all used up. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I hope it's not gone. For my whole life, "it" has been there. Thrills, escape, comfort... This has been such a source of so many wonderful moments in my life I sure don't want to give it up! No way I'll ever give it up entirely, but right now I'm seeing this winding down to where the extent of my cding might be a purse and nail polish. I hope not!