Ask a GG - Three

[Miel GG]

Like Reine, I am not sure about the subject of your question. Can you give me some context before I answer ?

[Bea_]

I am a mature man with a gray beard and a full head of silver shoulder length hair. usually pulled into a ponytail. Imagine a throwback conservative hippy. I am a straight, monogamous husband and have no desire to ?attract? anyone other than my wife. I have the natural desire for people to think well of me, especially women. But, I?m not looking for any kind of personal connection with anyone. If I ever were attracted to another person (other than my wife) to the point of an intimate relationship, it would definitely be a genetic female, but in 49 years of marriage, there's never been a desire for anyone else.

I don?t feel any inclination to hide the fact that I am a man and I love my beard. But, over the last twenty or so years, I have come to feel a need to balance a strong feminine aesthetic into my male presentation. Unfortunately, the presentation that I?m developing can easily cause assumptions for others that I am likely to be gay. Knowing for myself that I?m not gay would be enough for me, but I feel a deep sense of sympathy/empathy for my wife since any femininity that I?ve shown has been met with reluctant tolerance. I totally understand her position, but it?s become more and more of a barrier in our marriage.

My AI generated avatar gives a glimpse of how I see my ideal self. You have to imagine that image, but take away the idea of being fit and good looking. I have no delusions of being anything other than average in my male presentation and life experience supports that conclusion. My pronouns would be he/him/sir.

What I?d like from the GG?s is a sort of consensus of how you would feel and deal with a husband who presents male, but whose taste would likely cause him to be mistaken for gay when out and about. I know many here have SO?s who present female and I?m wondering if you?d be bothered by a hybrid presentation. I am also wondering if you would find yourself attracted to him as his ?feminine male? presentation evolved.

[char GG]

I work with many young people at a concert venue, so I'm familiar with a blended mix of dressing styles, maybe more than the average person my age who doesn't go out much. I enjoy the eclectic look and style of blended presentations and it doesn't bother me in the least.

That said, my hubby does sometimes wear short shorts while working on an outdoor construction project during the hot weather. He doesn't wander around town in his construction short shorts. It doesn't bother me and I'm not making excuses for him to the neighbors. Some people may think he looks "gay" but I doubt anyone will comment to us about it. Everyone around here minds their own business so all is good.

As far as "attracted" so his feminine presentation..., it's kind of an odd question for me to answer. He didn't start CDing until he was in his 60's, so it was all new to me. I'm attracted to HIM as a person, but I'm not attracted to his "female presentation", but I don't mind his female presentation - two different things.

[Dutchess]

One of the things I repeat the most here is how I loved androgynous men and still do . When I was with my 2 tg/cders I thought thats what I was getting but I learned that my love of androgynous males is totally different from men who imagine that they are women .
The latter of which I am just not on the same page with if I am honest .

I love that stylish , upscale , fancy , genteel masculinity .. who cares if people think you are gay straight or bi ?? Its not going to change anything and you can't really change masses of people's thoughts ..
So many here on the forum are incredibly homophobic ( not saying you at all ) . They cant wait to go to Pride events , want people to accept them in all sorts of female/flamboyant wear/makeup/behavior but OMG if anyone thinks I am gay !!! Not everyone here is nearly as straight as they shout out .

So don't worry about that . Let that go . You will always have to somewhat deal with people seeing you and wondering about your sexuality . People are curious . Most will never say a thing .

Yes I do like men who mix it up but do not lose who they are or claim to have an alter ego/personality/hidden person inside - as that is terrifying to me .
I don't know what your life has been like or what you like .. but google pics of Marc Bolan , Prince , David Johanssen in the 70s , Aaron Tichenor , I even find Marilyn Manson absolutely beautiful when hes all done up, Steven Tyler , I could go on ..
None of these men I have listed ever saw themselves as anything but men .. like you .
We all know David B so no going there but the rest of these men absolutely .. look at the clothing , the shoes , the colors .. all of it .

I am a laurel canyon hippy gal just like you .. although I live around here but I get where you are coming from . A hybrid guy like that would fit me very well . The avatar looks normal to me actually .

[Di]

I was disturbed about the

mistaken for gay

Seriously people still dont get sexual orientation or wearing clothing Of choice confused right?
If you were so what would only matter to your wife…..and you are not

I agree many in high school, college explore with clothing so I do not see it out of the norm.
Think the look is really good .
But most importantly is your wife and you being n the same page.No one else really matters.

Anyways
I like that look reminds me how Sher looked when playing gigs .
Her total Sher, her hybrid or guymode They all all her and I loved all of it.
Loved her - could care less about the clothes.

[Bea_]

As far as "attracted" so his feminine presentation..., it's kind of an odd question for me to answer. He didn't start CDing until he was in his 60's, so it was all new to me. I'm attracted to HIM as a person, but I'm not attracted to his "female presentation", but I don't mind his female presentation - two different things.

I started dressing in my mid-fifties.

I don't have a female presentation, but feel that my evolving feminine male presentation is a more complete "me".

. I love that stylish , upscale , fancy , genteel masculinity .. who cares if people think you are gay straight or bi ?? Its not going to change anything and you can't really change masses of people's thoughts .. So many here on the forum are incredibly homophobic ( not saying you at all ) . They cant wait to go to Pride events , want people to accept them in all sorts of female/flamboyant wear/makeup/behavior but OMG if anyone thinks I am gay !!! Not everyone here is nearly as straight as they shout out .

I was a skinny young man with little body hair. I think I could have shaved my mustache and gone back to high school at 25. I got hit on buy guys 2 or 3 times in my early days and became defensive about anyone thinking I was gay. I had limited success in appearing "not gay" from various episodes over the years. I would do or say things that seemed perfectly normal to me and get a quick second look that let me know I'd broken some rule. I've never really known the "man rules". So yeah, I worried about the label and avoided letting people see me. I became invisible and kept to myself. Even then I'd get some hurtful little jabs at home.

Now, I look back and realize that some would mistake me for gay even when I avoided anything that anyone might associate with "gay". I am at a point where other's opinions just don't matter as much, other than my wife's and family's. I actually feel more "manly" owning my taste rather than hiding it, but it does cause issues at home.

Di,
"mistaken for gay"

I have come to be more comfortable with having others assume that I might be gay in more recent years. But yes, people have mis-taken me for gay more than once in my life. Those assumptions bother me less than the fact that they bother my wife so much.

---

Thank you all for your replies. There were no real surprises since I've seen many of your responses in the past. I appreciate the support and the GG perspective you all give here on the forum.

[Miel GG]

Hybrid mode is more and more common among young persons and I like that ! Contrarily to many GGs here I haven't seen my husband dressed to the nines but I recently met him in MIAD mode. I am definitely more at ease with non binary dressing in the case of my partner. However, my husband doesn't feel the need to crossdress regularly nor to go out, both things which can bother a wife and have negative effect on her acceptance if, as in your case or mine, the crossdressing came late in your matrimonial life.

And for me, your avatar only shows a person with a non conventional presentation. Not extreme to me.

[ReineD]

My SO also has long gray hair tied at the nape. His face and body look male and I think he is very attractive. I do love my SO even when he presents female, but the sexual attraction just isn’t there when he is dressed. I am not at all sexually attracted to anything that gives off feminine cues. For background, when my SO presents female it is not hybrid. He wears breast forms, hip pads, makeup, jewelry, heels, etc. Side note, I also am part of the generation that didn’t consider the length of someone’s hair as particularly feminine or masculine. Most of the guys in my teens had long hair.

Whether or not a wife would be embarrassed over her husband wearing pink and pearls would depend on where they live and what her particular tastes are in clothing? I should think that it would be much easier going out with a "soft" male when living in a progressive, urban area than in a more conservative, smaller town, especially if a majority of local folks consider themselves "religious". As to the style of clothing, I personally would not wear pink, pearls, & lace, so it is difficult for me to find that attractive on someone else, whether male or female. It’s just too outdated.

So because my SO looks male, if he didn’t put on makeup and body forms and he just wore dresses, traditionally feminine jewelry, and distinctively female shoes, I think that we would attract a lot more stares from people. He would no longer "blend in" while at the periphery of someone’s notice. I have no idea if they would think of him as gay or not and this doesn’t matter to me, but I don’t like being stared at as if we were some sort of side show.

Also, sad to say that what can look hip and attractively edgy on a younger person doesn’t necessarily scale well into middle-age and past middle aged years. I don’t know why younger folks can get away with alternative looks much better than older folks.

[Bea_]

this particular conversation is just making things harder for me. I am sorry for bothering you.

[audreyinalbany]

Okay..new question for the GG's here...First, the short version....I first started dressing as a preschool kid...the usual getting into Mom's drawers, trying on her stuff. The urged pretty much disappeared until after I got marries and there were women't things around all the time and I gradually escalated. Wife was aware but not supportive. I've gradually increased from lingerie to full on presentation and occasionally going out. She's okay with me spending a few days out of town to indulge my desires, but she still "Doesn't want to see it." We are currently both seeing a therapist (separately at this point) to figure out how to proceed. I want to spend time with her en femme and she is hesitant, although (bless her heart) trying. We are married 42 years and although we were never overly active sexually, our marriage has been essentially sexless for the majority of our life together. Nevertheless we truly love each other and I think that if we're not going to share physical intimacy perhaps we can share this kind of psychological intimacy.

That's kind of the long way to get to my question which is: Why is it so difficult to 'see it." I mean essentially there is so much about life together that we 'don't want to see." We don't want to see each other getting old and wrinkled. We don't want to see our loved ones suffering or ill. We don't want to see our beloved children move away.We don't want to see our country dissolve into chaos. We don't want to see so many of the things that life brings. and yet we accept these things. So why is my crossdressing so different? I understand it may be awkward or uncomfortable. But as they say, stress is the thing that makes things grow. know there are no 'answers' here, but I'd appreciate your thoughts...

[char GG]

I am assuming that you have already discussed this with your wife and therapist. My guess without knowing either if you is that she is uncomfortable or dislikes how you present as a woman. For instance, are you trying to look too sexy or look like a woman from the real world. How about makeup? Is it subtle or overdone. (My hubby has a friend whose eye makeup is so blue, it is hard to look at her). Short answer, she will have to answer but ask her some specific questions. She may never want to see you as a woman. Do not force the issue.

We are married 42 years and although we were never overly active sexually, our marriage has been essentially sexless for the majority of our life together.

I'm not really sure how this statement is relevant to your post asking why she doesn't want to see you.

[audreyinalbany]

point well taken, Char...presentation is classic 'soccer mom.' Leggings, cotton tops or sweaters, occasionally tasteful skirts or dresses. "sexy' is not a thing for me. Makeup likewise pretty minimal....just understated everyday look

[Di]

Why is it so difficult to 'see it." I

Only she would know that for sure .
Why not ask her?

Could it be ( did not go look at previous posts)
She was left out of knowing about your cding maybe ..wants only to see you as the guy she fell in love with.

But you had since being a child to come to terms with it .( many decades)
How long has she known?
How did she find out?
Depending on that answer ?.feeling betrayed, lied to might be part of it.
For many that is the hardest part to get over ( lies)
If you cannot talk to her THEN work though this with the therapist.
We just are guessing we do not know either of you.


Please do not pressure her to be enfemme with her.
Let her go at her own pace . If she never wants to see you thats fine . Its your thing not hers.
If she decides to …..great if not ….so be it.
Sounds like she is trying and that is wonderful and sounds like she appreciates you being you ( time to dress ect) let her be who she is.
Sounds like you love each other very much please just do not pressure her she will find what works for her.

[Miel GG]

There is a lot that we have to face all life long. But I think there is a huge difference between things we cannot change (like aging) and things we can control in some way (like accepting to meet a husband "en femme"). Your wife has already made some adjustments regarding your CDing along your marital life, for your benefit (from my POV, allowing you to spend CDing time out of town IS being supportive). Even if your desire to present female to her is legit, you need to accept that she has her own limitations. Maybe she will never be ready to see you. And only she can tell her motivations to refuse...

I don't want to see my husband dressed to the nines and I don't know if I will ever change (FWIW he came out late in marriage, the hard part was broken trust). However, I have recently offered him the opportunity to present in MIAD to me. This middle ground is working for us. Each couple needs to work together in order to find a balance about CDing. Nobody should be hurt.

[ReineD]

To address your examples of things that most of us are forced to accept, we all age and get wrinkles eventually. A great many of us have indeed seen loved ones suffer or get ill. Most parents do see their adult children move away and start their own lives. We all are witnessing the political dysfunction in our country right now. None of these things are rare, unknown, or little understood.

But, less than 1% of males enjoy wearing women’s clothes and because it is rare and for the most part kept hidden when it does happen, it is not something that is easily understood. The crossdressing is something that has been the butt of jokes among people from your generation. Or, it is seen as a weakness or some sort of fetish. Your wife grew up in a generation where men were men and women were women.

If you were both in your 20s or 30s, it might be easier to come to a compromise with your wife, but you are battling a lifetime of your wife having witnessed media prejudice against the CDing, even though some young people today do seem to better accept gender bending.

The best suggestion I have, until or if your wife ever has a change of heart, is to accept the fact that she does not want to be involved just as she needs to accept that you need time and space to wear women’s clothes occasionally. Try to not put pressure on her. You would not like it if she put pressure on you to stop.

[Lori31]

I know women have many different types of underwear, some sexier than others. i am curious about sleeping? I was wondering if women take off their underwear when they go to sleep? I know it varies with men, some do some don't. I can't imaging a thong would be comfortable to sleep in.

[Dutchess]

I have not worn panties on my personal time since 1981 Only at work !! I work in adult entertainment . Even then they are only on as long as I am literally forced too and then they are a part of my "Uniform" lol !


If I slept in any pair I would be asking for a mega UTI from the next universe.. or worse .
I have had kids , husbands and bfs and I like being free .. not everyone will be like me but I am very willowy as a runner so I dont need shapewear so I can get away with it .. underwear is just too hot and confining . Too much material . Even a thong . When I swim I wear board shorts and a bikini top .

They are worse than a bra for me .

The other ladies may have different answers .

[char GG]

I do not sleep in underwear.

[Di]

Never sleep in underwear

[ConflictedWife]

I sleep in the nude, I am much more comfortable that way.

[Miel GG]

Sleeping is about comfort. And comfort is better without underwear.

[ReineD]

I don't pander to posts that fuel fantasies, and so I won't indulge you with an answer. Besides, how should I know or even care what my female acquaintances sleep in.

[confused_cathreen]

Why is it so difficult to 'see it." I mean essentially there is so much about life together that we 'don't want to see." We don't want to see each other getting old and wrinkled. We don't want to see our loved ones suffering or ill. We don't want to see our beloved children move away.We don't want to see our country dissolve into chaos. We don't want to see so many of the things that life brings. and yet we accept these things. So why is my crossdressing so different? I understand it may be awkward or uncomfortable. But as they say, stress is the thing that makes things grow. know there are no 'answers' here, but I'd appreciate your thoughts...

Short answer: Because everything you mentioned is inevitable. Seeing your husband dressed as a woman? Very much avoidable. And she has her limits, which you'll do well to remember and respect. She is already going above and beyond, unless she was secretly wishing you were a crossdresser. Which I am guessing is not the case...

[Bea_]

I'm curious as to how many GG's here knew anything about or had any opinion about crossdressing before having an SO who dressed? And, how drastically have your views changed?

[char GG]

I had no idea. Other than drag shows (which I thought were just for entertainment), I didn't realize there were men that CDed in real life. My jobs from the time I was 16 years old, involved working in a hospital or office environment where either some types of uniforms were required, or the offices were primarily women. My SO didn't start CDing until well into his 60's. It was a long learning process. So, I guess you could say that I "had no views" of something I did not know about. I realized that all CDers are different, and I had to learn about my husband, not project the views of other CDers onto him.