This new year got off to a difficult start prior to the virus so I thought I'd share my experience. A relative on my wife's side passed away unexpectedly at a young age on March 2nd. Three weeks after we laid her to rest my mother-in-law passed away on March 24th. My wife worked in conjunction with hospice and was by her side when she passed. We paid our last respects on the same day that our state's stay at home order went into effect at midnight.
In the meantime I had started therapy in January and had a handful of visits before the lockdown. I was offered the option to continue using their teleconference provider but we were busy clearing out my mother-in-law's apartment so it took a while to verify with my insurance and setup a webcam. I missed about a month of therapy but I was able to get back on schedule and am making good progress again.
When I got involved in forum discussions last year I learned a lot but I felt intimidated reading about going out in public dressed and questioned how and if I fit in. Therapy has helped me to realize that I'm a low key person when in drab and that dressing isn't going to suddenly transform me into something I'm not. I don't dance, I don't drink, I don't live in a big city, I don't go out clubbing and I avoid drawing attention to myself. Therapy helped me to realize that we all have a wide range of personalities and dressing in women's clothes isn't going to change who we are at our core. I'm quiet, low key and don't like to make a scene, that's who I am no matter how I'm dressed or what gender I identify as.
As I have mentioned I'm in a DADT situation. I didn't initiate the "talk" but was confronted by my wife about eighteen years ago. Out of the blue she demanded to know what my shaved legs, long hair and earrings were about. She asked are you gay and are you going to transition into a woman?" At the time I was still in denial and replied "no, I just like doing this" and she said "I don't want to see it and I don't want to know about it". My wife likes to control the narrative (something that came out in therapy) so her approach was to "put her foot down" and put a stop to it and make it go away. Consequently, I'm in a vague DADT and my submissive personality and eagerness to make her happy gets in the way of pushing the issue any further. I don't want to give the impression that I'm not happy, we celebrated our fiftieth under quarantine by getting takeout. Aside from the elephant in the room, my dressing and the DADT, ours is a quiet low key existence. As far as telling her before we married, I didn't have that "ah ha" moment when I realized that I've been dealing with this my whole life, maybe it's here to stay until a few years ago. I ignored it as a sexual kink until I realized recently that there is more to it.
I'm not posting to ask for advice on any of the things I have mentioned so far, all of these issues and more are on the table in therapy. My main goal is to work up the courage to revisit "the talk" on my terms as I was taken by surprise and didn't give any input or ask questions eighteen years ago. My wife is liberal almost to a fault and a lot has happened since then including our oldest daughter coming out as a lesbian. My wife is fully supportive of her and always takes a tolerant understanding position in every discussion regarding sexuality and transgender issues so I'm encouraged by that. I think I have grown since "the talk" and so has she and sex has fallen off the table since then so I think that removes some of the tension that was part of our first conversation.
Basically I want to amend "the talk" and clarify exactly what I can do and where things stand. I've got dysphoria but it's not all about the dressing. I'm discussing that in therapy and I have read the sticky about coming out to our SO as well as watching videos on the subject. One concern that is the topic of this post is if she gives me an inch will I take a mile? Not that taking a mile is wrong but I recognize that I'm holding myself back and don't really know what I'm capable of if I had the freedom. I have thought of going on hormones "not to change my appearance but so I can get the calming effects" that are often discussed in posts on that subject. Deep down inside I think I might be fooling myself and can see me taking it further than I'm admitting to myself that I would. I know that's a serious step and do not take it lightly and will work through all of this in therapy before doing anything. One thing that I have learned so far in therapy is that I need to take my time and not rush anything. These are all serious long reaching decisions.
I don't know where this will end up but I do know at this point that I can't sit still and never progress beyond my vague DADT and the feeling that I am trapped in an impossible situation. It has been especially stressful as I had a bout with my blood pressure when the news turned all bad and that took a few weeks to resolve and killed my urge to dress. I didn't dress the whole week and a half that my wife was staying with her mother but finally felt up to it after a week and a half. I was all set to dress fully that night when I got a phone call that my mother-in-law had passed and my wife would be home that evening. The hospice nurse had visited earlier that day and her vitals were good and we didn't expect it to happen for a few more days so it was a sudden turn for the worst that evening. If my wife had not called I would have been caught fully dressed by an emotionally distraught wife who had just held her mother's hand as she took her last breath. That would have been the worst circumstances imaginable to get caught.
Thanks for reading this longer than normal post.