Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

[BRINA]

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked?? What about a little testosterone. And FYI all of you you say it is miserable living like this. Well half of america is obese and claim that it is genetic or hormonal. Come on now,what there are no genetic mishaps in Africa. Do you get my point? It is an excuse you chose this as a crutch as they chose food. Lets see I did it since I was 7. Humm in my opinion I have trouble with that. Hey I am not perfect. But I think you guys chose it as a coping mechanism. Maybe a comfort of that that you were close to your moms. The ones that you felt safest with and it became a crutch. A crutch that you will choose over your own real coping mechanism a wife. A wife who loves you..Just wanted to see what you guys had to say to this. This is a forum and I am here to learn but I want all perspectives and hey if we do not see if any of you have had these tests then how can you say it is genetics. DNA is not part of the factor I work in the medical field.

[RenaCD]

Brina remember the first thing I said and its not my Saying it belongs to Sage GG, IS BREATHE!
Second and I say this in the most gentle of ways, so I'm sorry if it comes out wrong,
Although You are a main character in this life story, This is not really about YOU, This is about your husband and you and the Kids, but this is something that he has lived with his whole life and I'm sure right this very moment even if he has your total acceptance is Scaring Him To Death!
OK my turn to take Breathe a shut Up!

Listen too the Wise Ones Rena

[Julie York]

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked?? What about a little testosterone. And FYI all of you you say it is miserable living like this. Well half of america is obese and claim that it is genetic or hormonal. Come on now,what there are no genetic mishaps in Africa. Do you get my point? It is an excuse you chose this as a crutch as they chose food. Lets see I did it since I was 7. Humm in my opinion I have trouble with that. Hey I am not perfect. But I think you guys chose it as a coping mechanism. Maybe a comfort of that that you were close to your moms. The ones that you felt safest with and it became a crutch. A crutch that you will choose over your own real coping mechanism a wife. A wife who loves you..Just wanted to see what you guys had to say to this. This is a forum and I am here to learn but I want all perspectives and hey if we do not see if any of you have had these tests then how can you say it is genetics. DNA is not part of the factor I work in the medical field.

I thought you came here for information and understanding? So maybe you shouldn't be making all those assumptions. You're obviously still angry. What you should be doing is taking in the information....not trying to impose your own misconceptions on the situation to make it make sense to you.

It is not sensible to go to a plumbers forum , get 24 answers from plumbers and then tell THEM how to do it.

[BRINA]

Anna,

I respect everyones input and do not see why you would get in trouble by the other "GUYS". This is a chance for us all to learn and deal maybe one of us can walk away and our lives will change positively tomorrow. Re being selfish. I am far from selfish. When I say about the kids. Lets see we have been married since october and our kids are 6 and 7 one his one mine. Mine talks to her dad here and there and is close to his family, his never see his mom she up and left. So how are they going to react when I say asta lavista? They are going to loose each other.That is my issue I dare not tell them their father is a CD. And in regards to it not being a cheating factor, lets see. Then why do you guys jack off to it??Any one have an answer??And while your doing that are you a girl being done by a girl or a guy being done by a girl while you are dressed in girl clothes??

[Sedona]

Annamarie,

Thanks for the post. Before anybody "piles on" Annamarie (or Brina for that matter), I respect your view.

Even though I don't agree with all that she has to say, I support Annamarie's right to speak her mind. But who cares what I think, they are her opinions, based on her experiences, and that's why Brina joined, to get some answers, both soft and hard to swallow.

Brina, just so you know, my GF knows about my CDing (and is largely unaccepting) but refuses to join a forum such as this one. Her answer, "I don't care about what other people say/feel, just you." I had no good answer for this.

Perhaps the suggestion to seek answers in the GG forum is a good one at this point?

And Brina,

There are a lot of factors involving why people crossdress. Some are emotional baggage from childhood, some perhaps genetic (your non-genotypic expression aruement is not valid if you consider that many CDers reproduce).

However you want to think about it, the thing to remember is that your hubby is in all likelihood not going to change. You will either talk things through with him and work it out, or you will end the relationship. You're not getting a non-CDer.

[Sedona]

Anna,

Then why do you guys jack off to it??Any one have an answer??And while your doing that are you a girl being done by a girl or a guy being done by a girl while you are dressed in girl clothes??

Um, as far as this goes, BRINA, there's all variations. Many on this forum aren't sexually turned on by CDing at all. For some, that's all what it is about. Please don't lump us into groups, ok?

But, again, I urge you, Talk with your Husband! Get a sitter, go away for a weekend, whatever, he's your best friend in all this.

[Julie Avery]

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this, have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked??

No. Would you ask a vanilla male who shamelessly cheated on you to do that? Is there any shortage of them?

At this point, you're bashing, and bashing is understandable given what you're going through, but it is not welcome.

Why on earth would I ask someone highly trained in biology and chemistry why I like to wear dresses? Good grief.

Have you thought about consulting a physician about your reaction to crossdressing?

[BRINA]

FYI My husband has no idea that I am on this forum and all actually he think I blew this under the rug. And me and a thereapist, would never tell someone who went to college to talk to people analyze, interpret and respond. I will talk to you guys. You are the ones living it not the therapists. And if you are on here to help then talk back. We will all do better if you do. I will talk back to being a tomboy. Lets see I am no Janet Reno but your damn right I am a form of a tom boy. Because so many men have become to girly. As this site is talking about. Do you guys actually think we like having to be the tom boys. NO WAY. But most of you men have come to the conclusion that you can touch upon your femine traits thus thrusting us into this mayhem. Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary). How do you think this feels we all hate it but there is a big difference between bring a tom boy and a CD. One is it has nothing to do with sexuality it has to do with survival of the fitest. And this can get heated and your right If you would assume I would argue back for hours but do not want to. I am here to see why do you do this and hope that some women will respond to me whos husbands are doing this and explain to me why are you accepting this??

[ashlee chiffon]

Let's see...today is my birthday, so i'm dressed a little more special, skirts and heels and all that...
but i'm not doing it to practice self abuse...its because i have fun doing it and feel a great sense of enjoyment in the way i am looking today. When younger, i did dress and it got me excited and it was more sexual. That was the transvestite stage, for me, where i got excited wearing even just panties *have since i was borrowing Mom's, when just a child* to now...when i feel comfortible this way..
the point is that this is very complicated to all of us and there are degrees of similiarities, but also tons of differences between each and every one of us..and it changes thru the years....the same holds true for your husband. Most of us here love Women and their clothes and it is exciting, but we all have lives, jobs, SO's, families, and whatever other then the dressing...we live our lives just fine...or not...but we talk here and get feedback and get a little More understanding.
This is a Very big issue for you, and there are no easy answers or solutions. But please don't lump as all together and condemn us! Work on your own thing and issues...your resentment of us will blind you and we can't offer any good advice that you will listen too, probably, if you aren't interested in listening.
Good luck luv...our hearts go out to you!
Ciao!

[Lauren Richards]

Brina,
You, far from selfish? If you believe that, and I trust that you do, then you have more issues than this forum can address. This has all been about you, you, you, and your misconceptions and how unfair the situation is to YOU.

First, Get Over Yourself. You have discovered a deeply held part of you husband that you were not aware of when you got married. You could have made other choices (as you were so helpful to point out in one of your posts), but didn't. And, talk about relationship betrayal, you choice to talk to friends about this has put a huge cut in your relationship with your husband. Take some credit for causing additional problems where not necessary. Amazing, two imperfect people get married. Call the TV news crew. This never happened before.

Want some advice? Don't stay together for the kids. They know when their folks have a false commitment, and that is not a good model to teach your children. Money? Pfft. Make more later. There is plenty out there, and you probably have more than you Really need anyway. Try imagining a life with less than half the money you have, and if you couldn't be happy, then money isn't the problem: it's your attitude.

Here's the deal: 1. He isn't going to change. 2. Neither will you. Where does that leave you? Choice, just like you have every day. Be happy, or don't. Up to you, and only you. Your friend, family, neighbors, and this forum are not going to make that choice for you. So, yes, you are right, it is all about you, after all.

Lauren

[Ms. Donna]

Ok just say for the sake of conversation that you were born with this

This is not "for the sake of conversation" - this is who we are.

have any of you talke to your family physician. I am just curious?? Had your thyroid and hormone levels checked??

Any other tests you'd like to suggest?

What about a little testosterone.

How's about some Prozac? Throw in a dash of Thorazine as well...

Some research will show you that most have completely normal testosterone levels.

And FYI all of you you say it is miserable living like this.

No, we don't. Like life in general, some have a better or worse time of it.

Well half of america is obese and claim that it is genetic or hormonal. Come on now,what there are no genetic mishaps in Africa. Do you get my point?

WTF??? No, I don't get your point. There are transgendered individuals in Africa as well.

It is an excuse you chose this as a crutch as they chose food. Lets see I did it since I was 7. Humm in my opinion I have trouble with that. Hey I am not perfect. But I think you guys chose it as a coping mechanism.

So you are now an expert on gender related issues and the psychological effects thereof?

Maybe a comfort of that that you were close to your moms. The ones that you felt safest with and it became a crutch. A crutch that you will choose over your own real coping mechanism a wife. A wife who loves you.

So far, you are not presenting as what could be considered by anyone to be an effective 'coping mechanism'.

Just wanted to see what you guys had to say to this. This is a forum and I am here to learn but I want all perspectives and hey if we do not see if any of you have had these tests then how can you say it is genetics. DNA is not part of the factor I work in the medical field.

Let's assume its coded in our DNA. So what? That doesn't change the fact that this is who we are. And comparing this to being overweight??? I can lose weight and I'll still be transgendered. I can pump my body full of hormones and other drugs and I'll still be transgendered.

Look Brina, you're angry and you have every right to be angry. However, attacking us wholesale as a group will not change your husband nor will it help you to understand any of this. What you need to be willing to do is to learn a bit about all of this and one of the best places to start is with your own husband. Talk with him - not to him or at him - with him. He is your best source to understand how he feels. All we can do here is to help fill in some of the blanks.

Keep in mind that the man you with whom you fell in love hasn't changed. In fact, part of what you fell in love with was this hidden part. It is and always has been a part of his personality.

What you now have is an opportunity to know him even more intimately than before and allow him to share with you in a way he never thought he could.

Either that, or you can confirm what has been his bigest fear all along.

It's your choice... Choose wisely.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Julie Avery]

Hmmm....survival of the fittest.

It's an interesting question, why the "tall" gene follows human males more than human females. If I'm not mistaken, it's because at some point in primate evolution, dominant males formed harems, and non-dominant males didn't get to reproduce - and nothing similar happened in the evolution of female apes.

Does that help you to understand your husband? Probably not.

I'm outa this thread.

[Angel73 GG]

Hi Brina. I can see from your posts that you are very angry, and I think you have a right to be. You found something out by accident that your husband should have told you about in the first place. He should have told you about his CDing before you got married. This is a betrayal of trust first of all, and second of all I know you have questions about CDing itself and what this means for your relationship. I was in your situation about 4 years ago. I came across information about my dh's CDing and it wasn't something that he told me about on his own either. I had to confront him on it, and then he finally came clean and told me about it. We weren't married at the time, so for me I had the choice to stay or go and I loved him so I married him anyway. But I can only imagine how devastating it would have been for me to marry him first and THEN find out he couldn't find a way to tell me beforehand. My biggest advice to you is to TALK to your husband. Be honest and tell him how you feel. Ask him all your questions and give him a chance to really talk to you and tell you what is going on in his heart. I know from talking to my dh that is NOT gay and he does NOT want to be a woman. He wants to dress like one occasionally, yes. Why is beyond me. I'm still in my own process of acceptance, honestly. But if you really love your guy and your family, please take a step back and breathe as the others suggested. Talk to a couselor, talk to your husband, or just get a journal. I can't promise it will get easier any time sooner, but if you love him, give it a try. If you want you can PM me and I will send you my email address if you want to talk.

[Sedona]

Brina, for crying outloud:

TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND

[DanaJ]

Brina - not really sure what to say here, as you have had many many great replies before mine. You seem to be hung up on gender roles and perceptions.

I have a super macho job - steel worker. I swing big sledgehammers and weld all day. I work with other guys who completely accept me as another macho male. We trash talk all day and yalk about women all day too. I play sports, watch sports, do other "manly" hobbies - heck, I even built my own house! By your descriptions above, I should be a real man.

I also dress as a woman occassionally, I go to the salon and get my nails done once in a while, I like playing with makeup too. What in your estimation does this make me? Less than a man now?

Well, I am "me" - I don't think of myself as girly or manly because of the things I do, I am simply "me".... and your husband is still the exact same person he was 5 minutes before you found out - only your perception has changed concerning him. So, that is (in my opinion) what you need to work on - it will not be easy, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

The main question I would ask you is - did you love your husband before you found out, I mean really love him?

[BRINA]

I can only thank all of you. Your point blank replies, your hugs and your perspective towards my situation. I am going to go for the day and think about all that you have said, but I guess the truth is as much as I want to say I can learn to cope i cant. I cant remember who said it but someone on this forum said that some of you dress like that for the comfort of it that was his claim when I talked to him. But then I found the sex toy and asked him if he ejaculates when he dresses like that and he said YES. That is the clincher right there. What do you want me to say? To me this shows that there is something deeper and he never gave me a straight answer when I asked him if he was the boy or the girl. That bothers me. I am not wasting my life to find out one day he wants to be bi, trasvestite, or a permanent CD. I want normalcy. And it is not selfish to want that whe it can be found.

[stephanie100]

Brina
You said your hubby does not know you are here ok you dont like secrets so please tell him bring him in to talk to us.
2nd we are born with it make no mistake about that and we have well most have talked to our doctors he/she usually refers to a psychiatrist. The first advice they give to a partner is " Dont stop him". It is hard for all here to live as we are. Stephanie is me not my male half. It is just that the wrong part of the egg got fertalised.
3 Some start dressing early I started at 11 or 12 other people earlier some later.
Some have said we take it to the grave i have left instructions that it is Stephanie that is burried I am now 55 you question that but No one here has a reason to lie. Idid forget one thing he should have told you before you married that advice i would and have given to others.

[Lauren Mitchell]

Hi Brina:

Welcome to the forum.

I read your post and those of the other members here. They are hitting the nail square on the head.

Your husband like the rest of us here, has a unique gift. And that is to be able to accept the inner woman that exists inside of him. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is healthy to do so.

Crossdressing is not a new thing, nor is it a perverted thing. Only society as a whole feels that it is (you should view my surveys and those of others that have done some research).

I can almost guaranty you, that your husband is not gay (but it is OK to be gay), I am more than positive that he loves you and does not want to hurt you or the children. Crossdressing is his way of expressing his own femme self.

Don't stop him from Crossdrssing. Talk about it. Enjoy it. Make a game out of it. Embrace it. You married him for himself, not the cloth (and it is only cloth) on his body.

Let me give you a few resources to check out. There are many. One is Tri-Ess. http://Tri-Ess.org They have a lot of good information that you may want to lok through. A good book to buy is by Peggy Rudd, "My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife" available through Amazon.Com or it might be in your local library. Also read "Coping With Crossdressing" by Joann Roberts, also available from Amazon.Com.

I cannot say enough about it. I am sure that the other wonderful people here will agree with me, that you have nothing to worry about. All of the previous posts and those to follow echo the same sentiment.

Love
Lauren

[Bev06 GG]

I almost didnt marry him because he was so emotional and sensitive and i need a man that is stronger than me and truth be told i am pretty strong, so strong that i too have been questioned of my sexuality by outsiders, but i love love men....

Hi Brina,

I think you might find that being emotional and sensetive are both common denominators when it comes to the vast majority of Crossdressers. I myself find these very positive attributes, but I can understand where your coming from if you like the more macho guy.
I have to say that for me, one of the reasons I really love my CD friends is because they are so refreshing after mixing with some of the more chauvanistic, macho style men. They restore my confidence in the opposite sex, and are like a breath of fresh air. I dont know, and I hope Im not offending you in anyway, but do you think that its his sensitivity thats causing you to question the relationship, more so than the actual dressing.
Anyway hope you can work things out. Take care
BEVxxxx

[Lauren Richards]

Brina,
Thanks for being honest about your inabilty to cope. Honesty about your own limitations is a good starting place. Nothing wrong about it. It is what it is: a self-imposed limitation. We all have them. Yours, however, limits your acceptance of anything which contradicts your preconceptions regarding crossdressing, and the people who enjoy this activity.

And thanks for taking so long to think this thru. Gosh, what has it been..a week? Nothing like taking a step back and having that cup of coffee, or tea, as some of the members have suggested. Gulp. Done!

Lucky guy. He will soon find out his wife was as shallow as a dry creek bed before investing any more time. Stuff works out. All I saw was a demand of why?!! What answers would have made it ok? I really don't think there are any. I hope that in a few years they both will look back at this as an opportunity to become more honest, both with someone else, and with themselves. Next time. And there will be a next time.

I sincerely wish both of them, and above all, the kids, all the happiness they can find in this life. This live we have is too short to live in fear, or anger, or self pity. I don't know of anyone who has not stopped at those stations at least temporarily, but the choice to stay there, or to change trains and continue the journey to happiness, acceptance and love is a choice we all can make.

Painful at times to change trains, drag ourselves out of our comfortable habits, leave the baggage at the last stop, and really see what this life can offer. For me, it is worth the work, worth the pain.

I have a job, but it is not who I am. Crossdressing is something I do, but it is not who I am. Life has infinite variety, and somewhere, we find folks who accept and love us. Everyone needs that.

[jodybi35]

Wonder what your hubby must have wondered the first time he saw you in your Tom Boy attire? Let's see, blue jeans, plaid shirt, doc martins, maybe
a baseball cap. Hmmmmmmmm? Oh, I am sorry, you were not aware that
most GG's cross dress too? Do you have any idea what the term projection
implies? You seem to be an artist at it. Such a crushed little girl you seem
to be over this. I am the father of four daughters, a professional with several
degrees, a former police officer, and have been in the practice of medicine for
the past 27 years. My wife did not know when we first married, but has known for the past several years how much I love wearing female panties.
She also knows I love her very much. This is something that is between the two of us, and it has not caused such a stir. I think that you would be totally
shocked at how many men are into crossdressing. The ones here who have
taken the time and made the effort to be open and above board with you
have been totally open and honest about things. Someone suggested you
"get over it". Or was it you who suggested that we guys/girls "get over it".
It just isn't that simple, is it? Well, it isn't simple for your hubby either. I
do hope the two of you can reach some common ground on this issue, or go your separate ways in order to keep your sanity. Good luck.

[Deborah757]

Lets see I am no Janet Reno but your damn right I am a form of a tom boy. Because so many men have become to girly.

I used to be an Army Airborne Ranger. Is that macho enough for you?

You keep asking why. Nobody knows why. It simply is. You are either going to have to accept this fact or move on.

I have been married 23 years and have never cheated nor ever molested my children.

You can condemn your husband and he will most likely stop for a while and then try to hide it. Eventually you will find out again and have another nasty confrontation. In the meantime, he will always feel stressed about it and you will have a lot of fights.

Or you can simply accept it, not meaning you have to be involved in it if you don't want to be.

I finally, after 20 years was honest with my wife about this recently, although, like you, she had found stuff earlier. Fot the first time in ages, we are able to be friends again without the constant tension that existed before.

[CherGG]

Hi Brina, just wanted to let you know that you can feel free to message me if you need to talk about this ... I am a gg with a so that crossdresses. Although our situations on acceptance might be different, I will try to help you the best I can.
Keep your chin up!

Cher

[Julia Cross]

Anna Marie, You have my full support in what you wrote. This forum is for sharing discussions and opinions, and let's face it not everyone is going to agree with what is said. I sure haven't agreed with everything posted here in the past, but I keep telling myself, that's their opinion, and I have my mine.

It was refreshing to see someone step and tell it like it is. Enough said here, it's obvious someone wanted to vent, and boy did she!

As for the end result, if two people can't share a marriage through complete honesty and acceptance of each other, then I ask you, what sort of marriage is that, what sort of love do they share? And ultimately what will they be teaching their children about love, understanding and acceptance. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but sometimes we get it wrong, and we need to start over again. We are after all human, we make mistakes.

I wish the two of them the best, but I fear it will be a long and difficult road that may not lead to happiness, together.

Julia

[Sage GG]

[QUOTE=BRINA]he never gave me a straight answer when I asked him if he was the boy or the girl."

Is it possible that he doesn't have the answer himself?

"I want normalcy."

Normal is highly overrated


you also wrote that you were going to go and think, not a great idea, go to him,talk and listen.